My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We have 2 beautiful children. Our marriage has been in bad shape for many of these years.<BR> 6 months ago I learned for the second time that my wife is having a affair. We have entered marriage concealing, done a relationship workshop, and have attempted to communicate with each other. I have read most of your web site and have printed it and given to my wife to read.<BR> I fully accept responsibility for my actions which lead her to another mans arms, and I have been working very hard to change and grow in the places I need to. She is in denial about her contributions to the condition of this marriage ,and also to the fact that there is anything wrong about her continued relationship with her friend.<BR> The problem is I cannot accept her refusal to end all contact with this man, and remain in a process of reconciliation. She claims that she has minimized the frequency but wont totally stop. Every time I learn of a contact or worse yet suspect her go emotionally bankrupt to a negative balance! She says that "I will just have to get over it". I JUST CAN'T FIND THAT PLACE.<BR> She is not at all emotionally present in our relationship and cannot give at any level. She is detached and depressed, I get that she may be in a withdrawal phase of her affair, but is it? as she is still connected to him.<BR> Can we successfully move forward in our reconciliation attempts while she is still emotionally involved with him, or do I just have to standby and be patient until she makes her choice?<BR> Is there any advice and guidance you can give us to help move us through this horrible time.<P> MS

Welcome to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>First off {{{{{{{{{{sman}}}}}}}}}}<P>We're here for you!<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principals and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! <B>You should be in Plan A!</B>... at least for a while!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. This is the cornerstone text.<P><B>Do get this book... it states clearly (and many will concur)... see "PAGE 63" </B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Marital recovery cannot begin until withdrawal has ended.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>But most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>But just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>Your probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 22, 1999).]

sman - boy are we both in the same boat. Your post reflects my personal situation very closely...and I can vouch for what NSR says...read, read, read and post, post post!<P>I have a current post running regarding my wife being friends with the OM, and I got a ton or responses that all said that this won't work. It is a very difficult period when a spouse if "waffling" between an affair and a marriage. You have to dig down and find strength where you didn't know you had it. If you want to give your marriage a chance, now is the time to do what DOESN'T come naturally, and be so incredibly supportive and understanding of your wife that she will just freak! My wife did, and she couldn't understand how I was being so positive, but it will rub off on her. And also, if you subscribe to the Plan "A" / Plan "B" concept, you want to leave your spouse with a favorable picture of you in her mind if you ever have to go to Plan "B".<P>Stay positive...getting through withdrawl is like turning the Titanic...slow but worthwhile. <P>My prayers are with you...

sman--welcome to the club...i have known about my wife's 6+month affair since june and continue to wait while she tries to "decide" what she wants out of life. we have been married for 15+ years. the waiting is really hard, however i can attest to patience and getting as much information as possible about affairs and what your wife is going through. <P>it makes it much easier to understand what is coming and how to handle those situations. Plan A seems to be working for me, though it is hard to keep up the good face. we're going through both joint and individual counseling. it is a very long and tiring process. some days are up and some days are down, like they say, it is a rollercoaster.<P>My wife continues to work in the same office though I believe contact is to a minimum. He's still a factor in our lives however.<P>I've made a decision to be the best husband i can for her at this time. one thing i read, and it goes along with Dr. Harley's principles, is to meet her needs. I read that it is good to be patient because you want to meet your wife's needs - and one of her needs is not to be pushed at this time. <P>i feel fortunate that my wife still comes home everyday, has dinner every evening with me and the boys, and lays down beside me every night. those factors have been very important i my ability to maintain Plan A. i think it's easier to put myself i the best light possible because she is with me everyday and that's where i want her to be. I read a saying somewhere that said, "wars aren't won with evacuations," and that is a thought i remind myself with often. <P>i know that this is a very difficult time, but patience and time are very important healers. over the past few weeks i have seen changes in my wife's attitude toward me. she seems to be more touching and loving, and enjoys being with me. i want that growth to continue. also continue to talk and interact with your wife as much as possible. yesterday i had a couseling session and was talking about communication. our counselor noted that it doesn't have to be a great, involved conversation, but just taking the time to listen and pay attention are more important. the conversation my be about an everyday occurance or item, the important thing is to listen, understand, and interact. <P>my family is the most important thing in my life and i'm willing to wait for her to "see the light" and end that other relationship. it is a long journey but i know the payoff is worth it. my thoughts are with you as we go through this situation together. i'm sorry we are going through this crisis, but it's good to know there are others working through the same thing. your thoughts and feelings are not unusual. best of luck.

totally agree, with keeping your wife at home. I must admit I now regret, I was not strong enough to "hang in there" when wife started her affair and wanted to move out. I helped her move financially to relieve my stress and pressure at home. But...she was going to continue her affair so my best shot would have been to PLAN A her at home and not while in her apt. Yeah it sucks to be around them during their affair, but from this board it seems that betrayers (esp women) that stay at home can eventually come back into marriage to give it a chance

Sounds like you are still clinging to reconcilliation while she is trying to placate you, not create an ugly separation, try to keep some semblance of stability for the kids . . . all the while learning how to stand on her own two feet. Let me guess . . . initials DJ ? So we remain friends while you try to degrade her for maintaining an albeit inappropriate relationship with me, yet platonic. Even you admitted it was over six years ago . . . maybe it is time to learn how to stand on your own two feet, just as she is . . . .