In our talk tonight, my wife revealed that her biggest fear regarding our marriage is that she has lost her desire to be intimate with me. <P>Hugging, touching and "spooning" at night is OK, but when it comes to kissing and lovemaking, the fire is gone. This fire is readily available with the OM, and was missing from our relationship even before her affair. <P>I say "OK, we know something is missing, but how will you ever know if it will come back unless you try?" My thoughts are that eventually if I make enough "love deposits", those feelings of intimacy will begin to surface. <P>My wife seems very scared of our future together...and I think part of it is why she will not let the OM go completly (see my other current posting regarding keeping the OM as a friend).<P>Has anyone out there been in a similar position? What are your thoughts or experiences?

I think I am in a very similar situation as you. My wife has told me that she is not attracted to me anymore, and has never really been. It's a very difficult thing to deal with. Not sure what advice I can give, but let me know if you figure anything out.

hi guys,<P>I am not an expert, but I believe our wives will feel that way until they get past withdrawal from the OM. And total withdrawal is not possible if the spouse stays in anyway seeing or communicating with OP. It's too damn hard to have their feelings (which are true, but in fantasyland), be reduce if they are constantly reminded of it. I know if my wife ever wants to work on our marriage, the OM has to be totally out and or gone. Harley states, the betrayer may never totally lose that "love" for that OP, but it could be reduced significantly by their feelings coming back for their spouses. It all takes time though, and if your wives are willing to give it a real try, with time and/or counseling it could come back.

Hi Guys,<BR> <BR>Care for a female response?<P>Those responses are so typical of affairs. Honest to goodness. If you read past posts you'll see it come up again and again.<P>I can only tell you that my husband felt the same way about me. Said the same things to me. It hurt bad. BUT...<P>Now I can say we are 9 months post discovery and we are better, things are much better. He does find me attractive and I do turn him on. A lot of it was guilt. A lot of it was withdrawal. A lot of it was wanting to feel that "In Love" feeling. <P>That feeling that is so wonderful. If you could bottle it you'd make a million-GA-zillion. Not reality though. Doesn't last. <P>He and I had it big time. For many many years. More than most people experience. <P>I am happy to report that he says he is falling "In Love" with me a little. That is saying a whole bunch after being together 17 years and his nearly 2 year affair bunched in the latter part of those years. <P>No, it is not as exciting as a <B>New</B> person would be in any of our lives. It is still good and much more solid.<P>Don't despair guys it can come back. <P>Both my husband and I were worried about it too. Still have a long way to go. <P>Trust in God and get close to him. Next practice and practice again the Harley principles they do work. <P>My husband made a comment the other day and in the past. "God said not to go to someone outside of your marriage for a reason. It is hard to compete with the feelings that bonding and falling "In Love" with a new person. So God told us not to do it not, to deprive us but, instead to protect us." <P>Hope this long winded female perspective helped? <P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Samantha-MI (edited November 23, 1999).]

MJINGIT --<P>I can relate all too much to this. My W and I haven't been intimate in probably a few years. (Extremely) Sad but true. <P>We were never that way when we dated, nor even earlier in our marriage. Things just slowly broke down and (this is all my fault), we drifted away. What I would do to get that back. I wish I had the answers.<P>You at least have some of the contact. I cannot get even the kissing or hugging back. She's made that known. I guess it starts slowly, but my patience is drifting.<P>Sorry I'm not much help. But, you've at least got SOME CONTACT. Build off that. perhaps time will heal, and (if by error) you'll regain that intamacy without even being conscious of it.<P>--keystone