I am tired of trying to fight for this marriage. I love my husband butttttt, I can't seem to get over this. It's only been 22 days since I found out and my husband expects me to just forget it. Move on to our future, forget the past. Leave it alone. Somedays I feel so depressed and can't get out of it. This weekend we enjoyed a nice weekend together (first one we've spent togehter since H admitted to it) and my H did something that made me wonder if it was the way he acted with her. It was something that made me mad. I said to myself he couldn't have acted this way with her cause she would have dropped his a$$ in a heartbeat. Second its like all through our relationship (12 years) he has been searching for a friend a true friend. I wonder why he can't see that I am his friend I have been there since jr. high for him. Every friend that he has found has lefted him or did him wrong but I've been there through good and bad times. He said it was because I don't do the things he likes to do(drink and party). <BR> Even for Thanksgiving he is going away with a friend (male) that has sold him out. While I stay at home by myself. He said he needs time to himself. I don't call going away with another person to their family gathering time to yourself,Do you? I don't know if its worth the fight anymore. I am just tired and at this time in my life I realize that I am most vulnerable and that scares me because its like I am looking for that sweep me off my feet love and I am not getting it. Maybe I want life to be like the romance books and T.v. atleast that's what my husband says. Is it possible to have this kind of love/marriage. Someone please help, I am lonely and in despair.

Spicey2-I would say that it's hard sometimes for a person to admit to being wrong or being guilty and that's why he probably won't talk about the affair. I would seek counselling immediately for the two of you.<BR>I also would disagree with a holiday spent in separate places. I would tell him that you need his support right now more than ever before. That in order for you to get past this point you need him to be there for you. I would try to say this in a non-love busting way and follow Dr. Harley's principals as close as possible. Do read his books they will help. This is still new to you and it's hard during this time to think straight sometimes so take it slow and easy and try to think things through. <BR>Also remember that this board is here for you, I know, it's helped me alot! Breath deeply and remember to keep doing so! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Spicey2-<BR>DON'T give up just yet. This is a hard time - so recently after the affair. If you truly want to work things out hang in there for a while- 12 years is a lot to throw away. Find the strength with in you to stick this out. I know (first hand) that this is one of the biggest challenges we face- having to hang in while the S goes through their withdrawal from the affair- I went back and forth wondering if it was worth all the pain as well and the withdrawal of my H's love while he went through this. (4 times!) I would not give up unless you feel you have used up all of your options- including (and not limited to) counseling, all the reading material suggested and written on this site and some deep communication with your H. I know it seems hopeless at times ( especially during the holidays) but, you have been through a lot of emotions in a short amount of time and need to sort them out after they settle. Get as much information as possible to help you get through this- focus on yourself for awhile so you will be able to express your needs and wants to your H after he gets though his "space" time. I wish you all the strength and belief in yourself to help you get through this. Stay strong- not only for your marriage- but for yourself as well- reed the poem believe in yourself posted last night- inspiration at its best- <BR>Moonbeam <P>------------------<BR>MAY WE ALL FIND PEACE, LOVE AND COMPASSION IN OUR WORLD(:

Spicey2,<P>I too have been torturing myself with the question of "Is it worth trying anymore" However, my case is a little different, as I am the one who betrayed, thinking there is something better out there. I have found someone who has swept me off of my feet, and I want to beleive that relationships where your spouse actually wants to spend time with you do exist. I personally don't think it's too much to ask to be first in your H's life, as he should be in yours. Please see my post Someone Better, as everyone has given me open feedback. Whether I follow through on their advice is something else, but it's at least made me stop and think. Keep us posted on your decisions, as we can all benefit from each other's experiences.<BR>

Spicey2,<BR>I don't think you want the romance novel or the tv love story. I think IMHO that you want the relationship that God intended for all those He gave the gift of marriage. I have been wanting to give up here lately but haven't because He keeps remoinding me that He is always in control in spite of how I am looking at it at the time. There will be a sermon on the radio or a passage of scripture that I read that lets me know that I am doing exactly what He wants me to do. <P>Yes, it hurts terribly. It hurts even moreso when you have gone through 8 affairs over a 6 year period. Hang in there. It will get better. She has gone back and forth with her feelings towards me because of how she sees me. I too am her best friend but she can't see that because she thinks only about justifying her actions rather than giving love which is a decision to put your spouse before all others without expecting anything in return. <P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Spicey2,<P>{{{{{{{{{{Spicey2}}}}}}}}}}<P>I know this is a hard time...<BR>My first three weeks after discovery were a time of complete emotional and partially physical paralysis... <P>You're the only one who can make the deicisions of how to handle your life... We can just suggest... and give you support...<P>I'll be honest with you... the people here are the <B>only</B> ones who give the support I need... for even the slightest chance of future reconcilitaion... I'm taking that support!!! <P>Yes... there is inspiration here... (thanks moonbeam for for quoting my post (please click on it...) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009900.html" TARGET=_blank>Friends... Believe in Yourself</A>.)<P>Please consider the work to go through a divorce... much more... much more hurtful/painful... and reconsider a continued effort of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>The hurtful words... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Stay out of my private life", I'm disappointed you don't trust me", "I can't remember", "We're just friends", and "I just need some time away to think things through" (pages 40-44 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>cut deep... I know... They mean the affair is not over... and you're not even at the point of withdrawal...<P>A long journey for recovery no matter what... Even a one day journey like this is too long...<P>We'll be here... no matter what you decide.<BR>We'll be here... no matter what!<P>Prayers for a tired, lonely and desparate friend... <P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 23, 1999).]