Airheart...<P>I read your profile and it seems you may have been in a similar situation to me.<P>The questions I have right now are myriad, so I'll try to focus (a relative term at best in this domain) on the ones that seem most critical to me. Feel free to point out others that you think I should be asking.<P>1) My marriage was beginning to feel like an emotional wasteland. The OW (God, I hate calling her that!) connected with me in a way that my wife hasn't in years...and may never have. How do I know if I should stay or go? I'm afraid I'll be losing a chance at real happiness.<BR>2) If I stay, how do I put my wife back in that "center of my universe" place where the OW currently is? I'm really finding it hard to imagine that I can have this kind of love with my wife again. Are my expectations too high? As in the first question, I'm afraid of living life the same way I had been before I met the OW.<P>Every day is a struggle. If I hear a song on the radio it reminds me of the OW. If I go to the mall, I find myself mentally shopping for her. She's everywhere! I wanted so much more from that relationship than she was ready to give.<P>I know a lot of betrayed spouses are going to hate me for this but I just can't seem to think about my wife the same way I think about the OW?<P>How do I stop this? I'm only a week post, but how long does it take? Will I ever get over her?<P>If you asked me TODAY if I would leave my family if SHE would have me...I would probably jump at the chance.<P>But that's not going to happen...<P>God, I feel rotten. I've lost my integrity and moral compass, yet at the same time, I think I might just expire without seeing or hearing from her.<P>Not a good morning...<BR>

Hi Apollo,<P>Well unfortunately, there isn't alot I can say regarding your questions. I'll take them in order:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>1) My marriage was beginning to feel like an emotional wasteland. The OW (God, I hate calling her that!) connected with me in a way that my wife hasn't in years...and may never have. How do I know if I should stay or go? I'm afraid I'll be losing a chance at real happiness.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Yes, I know exactly that feeling. I feel that I was never really head-over-heels in love with my wife. I made the decision to stay based soley on my son. I could not leave him. I couldn't be that selfish. I had to give my wife (who I promised to stick with through thick and thin when we got married) a chance to see if I could get the feelings for her that I had for the OW. Ultimately that's a decision you have to make. What was it about your wife that made you want to marry her. Do you remember a time when you felt head-over-heels?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>2) If I stay, how do I put my wife back in that "center of my universe" place where the OW currently is? I'm really finding it hard to imagine that I can have this kind of love with my wife again. Are my expectations too high? As in the first question, I'm afraid of living life the same way I had been before I met the OW.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>To put your wife at the "center of your universe"... I don't have any idea, frankly, how to do that. I'm still trying to do that, months after my EA was broken off. To start, you should read everything on this website about emotional needs. The OW is fulfilling some very important ones for you that your wife isn't, probably hasn't for a good long time. You said your wife doesn't know, but I think you should tell her. Your affair has not progressed to physical yet. This is a good chance for you to let your wife see the RED ALERT that your marriage is in right now. She has to come on board to this and work as hard as you to get your marriage on track. I know it's very scary to tell your wife about it... but I think it's for the best in your situation.<P>Some folks here will probably tell you that your expectations <B>are</B> too high. I don't think so, because my expectations are the same as yours. And I'll tell you right now that if I can't get feelings for my wife like I had for the OW, then I can't stay in this marriage. But I'm willing to give it a good long while. The thing to realize is that you are elevating the OW way up there past your wife right now and your wife can't possibly compete. I wouldn't worry a whole lot about the feelings for your wife until you get through withdrawal (which is one of the <B>worst</B> experiences you're gonna go through!). Once you put the OW in perspective then you can evaluate your feelings. But that means no contact. And like I said, I know how very difficult that is. During the first 2 months of withdrawal for me, I was an emotional mess. I'd cry at the drop of a hat. Like you, every last little thing reminded me of OW. Actually, I still do think about her quite alot. I'm still in withdrawal, but I'm not paralyzed by the depression. Eventually it gets better.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How do I stop this? I'm only a week post, but how long does it take? Will I ever get over her?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Well, you have to just give it time. I don't know how long it will take you to get over her (cuz I'm not over mine yet, and it's been since late June). But it does get better with time. Maybe you'll always think about the OW. Maybe there will always be a spot in your heart for her. But I know that a week is nothing. Your depression will fade with time, and you will be able to have more perspective later. Right now you just have to concentrate on the no contact thing.<P>If you want, you can email me at airheart@home.com, to discuss further. It's my home email address, so I won't get it 'til later today after I get home from work, but feel free if there's anything you want to discuss that's too uncomfortable to talk about on the forum.<P>take care,<BR>--andy<P><BR>

Thanks for responding Andy,<P>It really helps to know I'm not marooned out here.<P>You're right, I have two daughters to think of. <P>Thanks for the address. I'd like to talk to you about how your wife found out and how you guys dealt with that. Is there any easier way to do this?<P>I'm normally a pretty rational, level headed guy, but I feel like I've been living in an alternate universe where normal logic doesn't work.<P>Thanks, Apollo

Apollo,<P>My wife found out by accident. She discovered an email that the OW had sent me. It was <B>very</B> painful for her to find out that way. She's since told me that she would've preferred that I told her about the OW.<P>About a month and a half before she discovered, I had a talk with my wife and I told her that I didn't feel love for her the way a husband should love a wife. It was the old "I love you but I'm not <B>in-love</B> with you" talk. She asked right then if I had someone else. I denied it, of course... but now I think that's the time I should've told her. Honesty is the best thing.<P>Your wife will more than likely be completely devastated by this news. There's really no easy way to deal with it. But I'm sure she's noticed something change in you. She has to have... either that or she's the most insensitive person on the entire planet. She knows there's something wrong even if she doesn't know there's an OW.<P>I think the key to the discussion is that you have to let your wife know that you want to work on your marriage. You want to find out if you two can truly make it. This is serious and this is for the long haul. Like you said, you have two daughters to think about.<P>Well, telling your wife about this is going to be a big decision and I can completely understand your reluctance to do it. I didn't do it. My wife had to find out the hard way, and I wish I had it all to do again. I would've told her when I had the first talk with her.<P>BTW, that "alternate universe" thing is not far from the truth! <P>--andy