<BR>I felt something was wrong, but I didn't want to believe it. You know that feeling you get.<P>Well I've had this feeling before and I hoped I was wrong. I wasn't. WHY?<BR>I feel lower than whale ****. You kick my heart out and left nothing but a cold shell. I don't understand.<P>All I wanted to do was be there for you and love you and support in what ever you needed<BR>and you just dogged me with that guy. WHY?<P>I know we have had our problems, we all have from time to time. But this avenue is not the way.<P>I wanted someone to tell me I was special for them. I wanted someone to care about me. To tell me that I was OK. I don't like talking to the wall. It just comes back as an echo.<P>I gave you my heart and was faithful to you. I will always be here for you. But now that you have done this to me what can I do? Your my best friend. I was suppose to be able to talk to you. WHY?<P>Why did you do it? You believed all the stuff I said that guys tell women. You fell for it. I thought you were stronger. Smarter. I must have put you in a place that made going there easy for you.<P>What can I do now? Where am I suppose to go? I can only call my friends now because they are the only ones who tell me I'm OK. They tell me I'm special. That makes a difference in my life. I can always call on them. They are there for me no matter what time of day or what they are doing. And they know I'm there for them.<P>How am I suppose to go on with my life? How can I see you and not feel the pain. How long, if ever, will I reach a place where I can be at peace again? I let you ruin my life. I let you step all over my heart<BR>and take the wind out of my sails. How else could this happen? I must have let it happen.<P>I want to feel close to you again, but at the same time I want to kill you because of how I feel. I don't want to be in this place. I hate it here. I've been here before and it took me a long time to get out of it.<BR>And that was nothing compared to this. Why?<P>Can I get my heart back? Can I have my best friend back? Do I have to start over....again. Ever time I write these words I start to cry. How the hell do you mantain your composure at work? I can't concentrate.<BR>How the heck can I work.<P>How can I lay next to you knowing you've been with someone else doing what I'm doing? You stole my life and I just don't know how to get it back.<P>I want to make love to the person I've shared most of my life with. Who made me feel good. Made me laugh and made me cry. Shout at me and make me do the stupid bills. I needed that. I need you and your not there for me. Where are you now? Who is here for me when I need to hear.."your OK"?<P>This hurts like hell and I can't seem to make to stop. I wish I were dead. Maybe I can fake it and still get the money and live my life somewhere else. hmm? Suicide looks good right now, but I'd have to kill you first. But the kids? The effect. Someone stole the women I love, my best friend and I want her back.<P>I just can't seem to answer that question of WHY?

You said it all yourself--the kids. That's reason enough not to kill her or yourself. The kids, the kids, just keep remembering them. You sound devastated, and I don't blame you. It will be so hard to get back what you lost. But, just remember the kids. Your poem asks "why"--well you may never know. But you do know that the kids need you to be there, and they need you to get back on your feet. I hope you can find a friend, minister/priest/rabbi, counselor, or whatever who can hold you up while you struggle with the betrayal. Call a local suicide hotline, don't give in to that idea. The kids, the kids, the kids... Good luck, God bless.