My husband and the OW still work at the same place.They have since the affair was discovered.He knows my feelings on this and how upset it makes me.<P>He has had another job offer this week.He would be making the same amount of money and the benefits are much better than where he is at.The only thing is that he would not get a company vehicle like he has where he is presently working.<P>He called the guy last night and talked to him for a while last night about the new job.As he was sitting there telling me all about it I was soooo excited!!I was thinking FINALLY......he will be away from her.His reaction was not so excitable.It was almost as if he was picking apart everything the guy had to say about the job.My elation slowly turned into anger and hurt.He has a chance to get a new job and get away from her with the same pay and better benefits.Why isn't he jumping at this chance?Instead he is himming and hawing at the whole thing.<P>He does not understand what a relief this would be for me to finally not have to worry about OW at his job anymore.He doesnt understand how beneficial this could be to our marriage.He is always saying he never has to work with her directly and never has anything to do with her being they work in different departments.Is that supposed to make me feel better?I think not.<P>I feel right now if he cared about my feelings or cared anything about making this marriage work he would quit and take this new job.This oppurtunity does not come along everyday.I am not being pushy about it.I just told him that he knows how I feel on the subject and I would let him make his own decision based on that.So much for my feelings....... <P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love somehting set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

SMTTMY<BR>your feelings of hurt and anger are completely justified. this is his time to make an effort. you have put your feelings out there -the ball is in his court. When does he have to give a reply on whether or not he will take the job or not? I would wait until the decision is made final before expressing any more feelings about the subject.who knows- he may think about what you've said and make the right decision. Hang in there- one step at a time. keep us posted- <BR>moonbeam<P>------------------<BR>MAY WE ALL FIND PEACE, LOVE AND COMPASSION IN OUR WORLD(:

Most of us here would certainly agree with you that it would be in everybody's best interest for your H to take this new job.<P>However, be careful to use your own personalized interpretation of his decision process to interpret his motives.<P>In other words, you can not necessarily make the leap that if he does not take this new job that it is because he does not care about your feelings. It may be more complex than that.<P>Just like we can not fully fathom the betrayers mind, I don't think the betrayer can fathom the depth of the pain and devastation their betrayal has caused our hearts and minds. I don't think many can truly empathize, much less sympathize with how "threatened" and "violated" we feel within our marriage by what transpired outside of the marriage. Forgive me, but I especially feel this is true for male betrayers. Given the male nature, I think they tend to give less weight (or in the worst case, disregard) the betrayed's feelings on any given recovery issue if they think the betrayed is being irrational.<P>In other words, although your H may know what you want him to do, if he thinks taking a new job is unnecessary (because he feels your marriage is not threatened by working with OW) then he is less apt to act on your feelings alone. Does that make sense?<P>In his mind, that doesn't mean he doesn't care about your feelings, he just disagrees with them and believes he can not act on a decision without good rational judgment. Instead of acting on your feelings, he may feel he has to make the decision based on how he sees the facts.<P>Would the change in jobs bring co-workers to question or speculate about him, causing some kind of embarrassment?<P>The same pay and the same benefits do not necessarily mean the same working environment. Is he happier where he is because of the culture? Would he have to work harder in a new job to establish himself? Would he lose status or other perks? Could there be more job offers just around the corner? These may be the things he's on the fense about, he may not see this as a test of how important your feelings are.<P>Is there any way you can really hear him and what this is all about? If you both see this as being on the same team and making a good decision for a variety of reasons, instead of on opposing teams, you'll be better off. You need a win/win answer, not a win/lose or lose/win in this situation.<P>You both should fully understand the dynamics of the situation and ideally you should both feel fully heard and understood before the decision is made.<P>Best of luck!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

hi, beautiful reply by fhl!!!<BR>Talk and talk and talk. Listen and listen and listen. Hear what he is really saying. But you need to remain calm and not be judgemental. I know this is a really excitable issue, but keep cool. <BR>Use the poja and you cannot go wrong. No lovebusters my friend.

Thank you guys for your replies.You really made me stop and think how he might be feeling whereas before this post I was only thinking of my own feelings.<P>Maybe I was being a bit selfish and only thinking about her.This ahs been what he has been trying to get me to stop doing.Stop concentrating on "her" and how she may affect our lives and start concentrating more on "us." <P>FLH,you hit the nail on the head.He feels that working with OW is not a threat to our marriage.He says he cares nothing about what she is doing at work or otherwise.<P>Thanks again all of you for the little push in the right direction.I guess I figured he knows how hurt I am by this and he should act on that no matter how he feels.<BR><P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love somehting set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.