I was thinking about this last night after I called the OM a boy again which she hates. She thinks that I am calling him a boy to get back at him. I am not. If he were a man (as defined by God) he would stop calling her and tell her not to come see him ever.<P>This thought stuck in my head that in love is lust because lust has more to do with feelings than love does. Love is a decision to put all others before your spouse. It reuires that you have their best interest at heart at all times even when it looks like that you don't because of the many requirements begging for you to address them.<P>Let me know what you think.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Rob,<P>Here's my perspective:<P><B>LUST</B> : A completely physical desire to touch/feel/have sex with someone else. No emotional bond at all needs to exist. Usually it is only dependent on physical beauty or sexiness. For guys it might be a woman's large breasts or shapely butt. For women, it might be a muscular chest or tight butt.<P><B>IN-LOVE</B> : An addictive emotional bond that forms between two people. The feeling that you cannot be without the other person. The "soul-mate" feeling. There might also be "lust" there too, but it is a much stronger lust due to the emotional bond that has been formed.<P><B>LOVE</B> : Putting the other person's best-interests above anyone else's. The unconditional acceptance of the other person, regardless of faults. The contentment felt through companionship. The "in love" feeling can eventually evolve into this.<P>take it with a grain of salt... <BR>--andy<BR>

I agree with Andy...<P>In my case, our bond was very spiritual and emotional. While I wanted to spend time with her, it wasn't for the physical. There was no physical.<BR>No, I think sometimes, "in love" can mean an emotional/psychological obsession.<BR>There have been women that I have been "in lust" with, but they irritated me because they couldn't carry a conversation in bucket...<p>[This message has been edited by Apollo13 (edited November 23, 1999).]

Rob,<P>You bring up a good point and one I had never thought of. I often wondered why my H didn't "love" in the same way as I did. In fact I wondered if he even knew what love was. The OW said she "loved my H" when all she actually did was hurt him and everything connected with him. If love is a cage you can have it.<P>The kind of love you are talking about is I Corinthians 13 kind of love, yup....I do be lieve you've got a point. love is patient, kind, not jealous,not arrogant, seeks not its own way, bears all things, believes all thing, hopes all things, endures all things. Hey Rob, thats you!!!!!! Keep on loving Rob, she'll catch on. One more thing, "LOVE NEVER FAILS".<P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

Rob,<P>I'm not going to bother with the question. Instead, I'm going to coach you on your behaviors.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...I called the OM a boy again which she hates.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Mmmmmmm---have you read Harley's book "Lovebusters"? You simply cannot afford to continue behaving in this type of thoughtless manner. It's got to stop. While your wife is having an affair, she's more "in love" with someone other than you. You must ask yourself, "what does this behavior do to my wife's love for me..."? If the answer is "hurt it", then you've got to put the breaks on.

Andy,<BR>Excellent insight. I had been wondering if I had done the in-love thing. I did, but only as a child with 2 people. I have never been in-love with my W or my ex-girlfriend. I immediately went straight to the LOVE level. I still have a problem with soulmate. It doesn't make sense on a totally different level.<P>Apollo13,<BR>I agree that the in-love thing has to do with obsession. I associate spirituality with LOVE. That is the bond that I have with my W and I also had that with my exgirlfriend (before I met my W, took me 2.5 years to get over her and God's urging to want to get involved and eventually married.)<P>Taj,<BR>Thanks! I keep coming to the conclusion that she does not know the meaning because she has been rejecting true love which God has given me. She doesn't understand that my flesh wants revenge but thank God my spirit is one with Him. I am truly glad that I have all of you to get me through these low points.<P>K,<BR>You are absolutely right and I know it everytime we get into the discussion. I called her and his W little girls because they all are acting like children. If she was the adult, the team player she keeps bringin up in many of her discussions, and the Christian she professes to be, she would be willing to sit down and discuss this to its logical conclusion. I have been thinking about going to Plan B because she keeps asking me to cover her financial bobbles when my check is totally allocated. I feel she only wants me to be a husband when she has made an error and needs her knight to come to her rescue. While the rest of the time she wants to treat me like I really don't matter.<P>Thank you all again. I am trying to stay up beat though it is really tough. 8 affairs over 6 years does begin to wear on you. Yet, I know God is there picking up my slack.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Rob,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have never been in-love with my W or my ex-girlfriend. I immediately went straight to the LOVE level.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is interesting. Please explain that (in non-religious terms if possible) because I don't know how that works. Didn't you feel attracted to your wife before you got to know her? Didn't you want to spend more and more time with her as you got to know her better? Didn't you think about her alot when you were not together? Did you get a happy glowing feeling whenever you saw her? I would classify all those things as being "in-love" too.<P>--andy

Andy,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Didn't you feel attracted to your wife before you got to know her?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>No, I went to meet her because my brother, who is in the Air Force, was showing me off to her. She was dressed very tackily. However, from the conversation that we had I knew that we were to be married. I asked her if I could kiss her after talk for about 4 hours straight. There was nothing special in the conversation other than what I expected in a relationship which I had no intention of having one with her because my brother was a womanizer which explains why I felt that she was a slut.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Didn't you want to spend more and more time with her as you got to know her better?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Only because I enjoyed the conversation. It wasn't about sex or physical attractiveness.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Didn't you think about her alot when you were not together?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <BR>I knew she was the one for me the after talking for 4 hours. I met her on 1 Jun 1985 and asked her to marry me on 15 June 1985. I only thought about her because I had made up my mind that she was the one that night.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Did you get a happy glowing feeling whenever you saw her?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I never had the happy glowing feeling outside of the glow that I associate with being one with God. I tried to keep spirituality out but I can't because that is where the two real relationships that I had fell. Outside of God I would never have been committed to trying to be everything for her.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I would classify all those things as being "in-love" too.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I classify those things in my relationship with God. That is where those feelings never decrease because He is always there. My W said that she grew to love me. That is how I felt about my ex-girlfriend. With her I went straight to love and it grew even stronger with the passage of time. It really is hard for me to separate the two because I at an early age vowed never to make love to a woman unless I knew that I would spend the rest of my life with that person. I can't fathom being with someone as long as they make me feel happy. I think it is shallow and low. It makes me think of using someone for my own personal gratification rather than edifying them by edifying God.<P>She had enough nerve to tell me that she was a rebound for me. I never did the rebound thing. I wasn't planning on ever getting married after my ex-girlfriend left me. I only married my W at God's urging. I wanted only to be devoted to Him because He had been the only one who was always there with an answer that comforted me.<BR><P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Rob, thanks for the reply. I'm not sure I'll ever understand your point of view, but one thing I've learned is that there are many different points of view in the world... <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Only because I enjoyed the conversation. It wasn't about sex or physical attractiveness.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Seriously? You didn't feel even the least little bit physically attracted to her? What initiated the 4 hr conversation to begin with? Even if you thought she was a "slut", you didn't think she was maybe cute or something?<P>If not, then you are a truly unique person, Rob. And I'm not saying that to be mean. Because your level of faith is something to be admired. But I'll bet that every other person on this forum will tell you that they felt an initial physical attraction to their current spouse. Sort of a "hey, he's/she's cute" kinda reaction, which grew into something more as they got to know the person.<P>--andy

Andy,<BR>I did get excited when I kissed her but the physical attraciveness was not there until I saw what she looked like when I cam back on 15 June 1985 to ask her to marry me. Then and only then was I physically attracted to her.<P>The conversation was the result of my liking to converse with people because it through conversation that you learn new things and make new friends. It is the communication process that allows us to even have relationships even with God. Our prayers are our way of communicating with Him and His word is His most direct way of communicating with us.<P>My relationship with my ex-girlfriend resulted from my teasing her about her needing to go on and pick me up as her boyfriend. It wasn't until I realized that from the conversation that I was attracted to her. She was not really attractive but she had a wonderful personality and beautiful skinny legs that I didn't notice until I had decided that she was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.<P>Yes, I know that I am unique in a good way. My uniqueness has caused me much pain because it is hard for people to relate to where I am coming from. My W was the first person to truly try and get to know the real me after we were married. However, she did see a picture of me in my brother's wallet where upon she said he is cute. She was physically atttracted to me.<P>The only girls that I was truly physically attracted to were girls in the 1st, 2nd, and 4th grades. I know this is hard to believe. I would have a hard time believing it if I had not lived it. It goes against what most people feel, think, and do. <P>Thank you for your compliment. I like being unique mostof the time but it is those other times that I wish God had made me more like everyone else. I would have had a much simpler and easy life in some respects. I like everyone else wants to be liked though it is not a major thing for me. I do accept others as they are and merely present another perspective that allows the picture to become more clear. I have found that most people are not as accepting as I feel. Then once I find that you are a particular way then I deal with you on that level. I have been bitten by assuming that most people are as accepting of others as I feel. However, my open approach usually intimidates people because I don't try to hide anything about myself because I don't fear getting hurt. <P>Sounds crazy but that is how I feel and think.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>