Hey, anything I can do to get you out from under that desk...<P>You're welcome, too. Have a happy Thanksgiving day.

SHA,<BR>How are you feeling today? I know I'm kinda late joining in here but I wanted to let you know I care.<P>You've gotten lots of good advice here. I'd like to throw in my vote for counseling. My H wouldn't agree to see anyone, so I went alone. My focus was to learn how to deal with my own feelings. I recognized early that I can't control his, so I had to control mine. I don't know if it actually helped our marriage at all, but it sure kept me from driving off a bridge (which I actually considered doing!)<P>My second comment has to do with you W. What the H### is wrong with her!! SHA, I did Plan A for awhile when I first discovered my H's "fling". I very quickly grew tired of being the one doing all the work. I don't have the patience and stamina that you do! I decided that I needed to take care of me and forget about trying to keep hime happy. I guess I started a modified Plan B. I renewed friendships that I had let go. I started going out with the girls (something I have never done!). We still lived together and talked, but my life did not revolve around him anymore and he didn't like it. He let it go on for a little while, then he started doing all the things you are doing now. He brings me my coffee while I'm in the shower, sends me flowers, makes arrangements to take me places he knows I enjoy.<P>I guess what I'm trying to say in my long winded way is that it's time to stop focusing on your wife and start taking care of you. Focus your life on your kids and your friends. I know people have criticized Maya for being so blunt, but I tend to agree with her. Why should your wife change when she is getting everything she could possibly want right now. She has you and him. Continue to be civil and loving, but give her a taste of what life will be like without you! <P>Take care of you!! And stay out from under that desk...those dust bunnies can be vicious!<BR>

Sha, I'm new here, but the list of things you do for your wife really struck me. Boy, it would be nice if my h was like that.<P>I don't want to offer any advice. Yet, I think as important as it is to meet each other's needs, it is this +. We are counseling with Jennifer Harley, you might want to consider a woman counselor so you can get a woman's perspective. When I looked into this 3 weeks ago (before I knew about the EA), I was surprised that my h chose Jenn because he wanted a woman. The lack of face to face has not been a problem, and the challenge of finding a local is really getting one who understands these principles. Jenn cowrote the book with her Dad "Surviving an Affair".

SHA.<P>Really seriously consider what K is suggesting about about counseling with Steve. As I said before, I have never tried the phone counseling but have been seeing my personal counselor for about 2 years. K is right about the counselors requirements of reporting back to the insurance company. Our counselor through our health insurance is allowed only "X" number of sessions per patient. If your situation requires more (and it always does), the counselor has to justify why. Now, how much of this is actually reported back to the company or accessible is debatable. We also have a $15 CO-PAY. Once a week, 4 times a month=$60. Hey, almost a phone call to Steve! K does bring up some really good points, no travel time, And YOUR WIFE IS RIGHT THERE to add anything she might feel inclined to add. <P>Come on SHA...make that call and let us know how it goes!!!<p>[This message has been edited by Nerlycrzy (edited November 24, 1999).]

SHA - A couple of other points. Firstly, I agree with K about using Steve instead of a local. You know from my posts what a real jerk our couples counselor turned out to be. My W basically used him to validate her point of view and he let himself be manipulated into doing this. Our sessions used to enrage and upset me nearly as much as W's ongoing affair. (I know why she doesn't confess - she knows she'd never hear the end of it from me and she's right. Plus she wants to continue it, which becomes a lot more difficult if you confess.) So, great - it does sound like you're going with Steve. One suggestion - get a speakerphone. That way you and your W can both "be there" together when Steve is on the line.<P>My second point has to do with alcohol vrs. meds. I think it's OK to drink some to take the edge off. (I didn't drink either till this mess came along and, basically, not much until after I saw W with OM. And the other night, I told my W that her cheating is WHY I'm drinking now. THAT sent her off to the other bed in a huff!) It does work. To tell the truth, I've tried meds too and have to say that, in comparison, I prefer alcohol! I think the key is to drink responsibly.<P>Haven't posted much for a while because it's been crunch time at work for the last couple of weeks and I've even been taking stuff home. Thank God this particular craziness is gone for a while. Hope to post a lot more in the next few weeks anyway. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

SHA,<BR>I truly believe that the OP has to be completely cut off from contact. There is absolutely nothing that can happen for you untill the OP is out of the picture. If my situation is anything like yours this is what you have to look forward to. My W works with the OM and she was not about to let him go. We stayed together the whole time with me trying everything in the book to make our marriage work. All I ended up doing is wearing out my welcome so to speak. I could never do the right thing, never said the right thing just kept losing her respect because I hung around trying at plan A. Now after 3.5 years of this I have lost my wife, and I split time with my son who would rather be with mom when he is with me. Plan A is all well and good for a time but I feel you can also lose more with plan A if you attempt it too long. You also have a tendancy to lose all self in that process also....... I did anyway.....<BR>Sorry for rambling, this has been a bad couple of days.....

Sir, just checking How are you feeling today?<P>I was fine untill completely by accident I bumped into the ow at lunch time. One of the schools where I work is right across from her street and I usually avoid it like crazy, but today I was in a hurry.... Didn't even see her untill I bumped into her ( to bad, had I seen it I could have prepared myself to step on her toes as well - just joking I wouldn't do that ). Anyway that depressed me for about fifteen minutes untill I caught the bus. I'm fine now. But for those fifteen minutes I kept thinking about you and really wanting a desk to crawl under .<P>I'll check again later<BR>Big hug<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

I am new here, but I have learned a lot by listening to all of you folks. You don't need to hear this again, but I have the need to say it. The contact with OM is the problem. You sound like a nice guy doing all that you can. She needs to start living up to her end of the marriage. NO CONTACT WITH OM!!!

Betrayed - I'm feeling OK - I continue to be overwhelmed at the responses from everyone - If that can't cheer me up what can? All in all I'm still down and in need of something. I will get counseling that's a done deal. As for my wife; you asked a tough question and I don't know. I suppose she is suffering too. You seems to be stressed out a lot. Some days are good, some aren't. I don't know. I think your idea of a modified Plan B is probably in order. I'm not making any firm decisions while I'm in this mental state. Thank you for your words of encouragement. <P>Schizzo - Welcome. I haven't thought about calling Jenn. I didn't even know there was a Jenn Harley. I think I could talk to either a man or woman - it wouldn't matter to me. Maybe my wife would feel better talking with a woman if she ever decided on counseling. Gosh, now I'm getting overwhelmed with ideas on counselors. Thank you for your reply.<P>Nerlycrzy - Dr. K has all but made the phone call for me. I am still considering calling steve and now possibly Jenn. I will call someone. Your copay analogy was interesting. That certainly does lead me to calling. Thank you.<P>Wexwill - Well, the more stories I hear about counselors the more I lean toward calling the Harley's. You, Sheba, I'm sure several others have all had less than encouraging experiencing with the local shrinks. As for alcohol, I drink responsibility. Usually only one drink, never more than two. After two I get severe headaches so that's a built in deterrent for me. I have to try the meds at least to see what their effect is. Thanks Wex. I really hope things look up for you soon. I'm probably going to shy away from posting a little at least until I get out from under this dark cloud that is hanging over me. <P>Mkn - I know that contact with the OM is a problem. I have talked to my wife about it. It's a touchy subject and I'm dealing with an addiction. She is having a horrible time letting go. When it's brought up, I'm controlling, and not giving her space, and not letting her have friends, and on and on. She maintains that they are only "just friends" now. I don't know how that can be after what they have done. The contact is diminishing, I don't know if that's her way of letting go. I do have my self respect back. She doesn't walk all over me. Early on, you were right. She hated the way I begged and pleaded and smothered her. I give her space. I simply put her first when we are together. It's a thin line I guess. Thanks for the advice.<P>Kat1 - Don't think there's any room under my desk for anyone else you'll have to find your own desk..J I'm OK for now. Just worn out I guess and have come to grips with things I need to do to get to the next level - at least for me. You know, I may get to meet the OM here soon. There a holiday party we're invited to and he may be there. I wonder if he'll bring his wife? I hope I maintain sanity if that happens. Thanks for the post.<P>Wafflestoo - My wife tried to give up the OM over the summer. She did for a few months, but caved in around Sept. This is an addiction that is extremely tough to break. I'm trying to help her break the bond but she has to do it herself. In regards to her end of the marriage, I don't think she knows what her end is anymore. She knows she's not being a great wife right now and she doesn't like that part of herself. It's just so complicated.<P>SHA