Hi all,<P>I've been lurking for about a week, and I like most of what I see here. I must say that I kind of feel like my case is different (I know, I know), but it does bear much similarity to what else is going on these boards. (Names have been changed to protect the innocent, or guilty)<P>I'm 28 in Texas. Met EF (ex-fiancee) in Dec 94. She's 31 now. We became pregnant in July 95. Decision was made then to stand by her. I moved in with her, and our relationship stayed wonderful until our lovely daughter got to be a year old.<P>Now, I was in grad school, and working at a hotel bar (where she also worked and we met). Our lives consisted of working opposites, she during the day, and I at night. I went to grad school straight out of college and was still living the party life. This was wrong. I didn't cheat, but I stayed out with guy friends until 3 am, four and five nights a week. I didn't take her complaints seriously, because I was no longer getting any physical and emotional needs met by her (hard to achieve with our schedules anyway). I asked her to marry me anyway in July of 97. We broke up 4 months later.<P>We were living in the same apartment, and 2 weeks after the breakup, she started dating a co-worker. I was ripped apart by this, and assured her of my commitment to her. No change. I began dating every woman that would have me. A month before our lease expired, I got a new job in high-tech. Good for me. She began to express feelings for me again. I told her that if she wanted to rebuild, I would stay. She agreed. I wasn't sure what her intentions were: my new job, guilt because of our 2.5 year old daughter, or if she really didn't want me to go.<P>We stayed together for another year and a half. I really cleaned up my act, and she can;t deny that. Then, about three months ago, she started going out with her co-workers from the hotel again. I expressed my displeasure calmly, but she ignored me, and continued her behavior. We were still working opposite schedules, so we only had two nights a week off together anyway. The clincher came when for two weeks straight, she left me home with our daughter, while she went out for dancing and margaritas. I scheduled the "showdown" talk, and when it happened, I told her that our relationship could not continue, if this kept up.<P>She gave me that infamous script that someone else posted here recently:<P>"I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you anymore."<P>"The only thing we have in common is our child."<P>"You need to go find someone to make you happy, because all I'm good at is making you miserable."<P>Then she went out with her friends right afterwards. This was July 12.<P>I move out this coming Thursday Aug 26. She has continued this behavior, and I just lie awake, with my 3 yr old daughter, in the guest bedroom. I finally asked her if someone else was involved.<P>At least, I feel like she's completely honest when I really confront her with hard questions. She told me that she was very casually seeing a 23-year old waiter. I was horrified that she moved so quickly, but also relieved, as this is an obvious "escape" relationship. I began vomiting again every morning, sleeping 5 hours a night, lost 20 pounds. Hey, at least I'm in better shape now right?<P>I guess since she ended our relationship back then, this isn't technically infidelity, but it fells like it alright. She knows that I'm torn apart, she knows that I want to work on us, she knows that I want her above all else, but refuses to even try. "We weren't meant to be together. It shouldn't take this much work. Love just happens." <P>I've read Harville Hendrix, M. Scott Peck, and Dr. Harley's online stuff here. I'm seeing a family counselor alone, since she refuses. I'm working on the parts of me that were wrong. Even though I cleaned up my act as I mentioned above, I still played my part in all of this. I'm a master of the sarcastic rejoinder. I'm also very good at finding ways to ignore her right back when she doesn't meet my needs. I refused to quit smoking. I also recognize the foolishness of these tactics, and am taking steps to make sure they don't sabotage my relationships any more. But she refuses to work with me. I'm afraid that moving out will take us so far apart that we will never come back again.<P>She was molested by her grandfather at age 6. I've found this out recently from her sister. It also happened to all of her cousins and sisters. Her father is an alcoholic who got imprisoned the week of her high school graduation in a small town, resulting in her parents divorce. She was really only uninhibited physically when she was drunk before. I don't hold her responsible for this: only wish she would get some help.<P>If she never wants to dredge that up again, that's fine too. I just wnat her to work on the relationship she has. I feel like she's going on a (early) mid-lifer. She's 31, a junior at the University, going to take a full class load this semester, and work 40 hours a week and live alone. I know she's digging a credit hole for herself right now. She hangs out with the hotel/restaurant set, all 25 and younger, till the wee hours, and doesn't seem to want to grow up.<P>I've given up trying to control her feelings and goad her into working on it. I'm letting go and waiting to see what develops. She laughs at me when I tell her I'm not planning on dating for a very long time. I just deal with her nicely now, but am worried that once I'm out the the house (sight), I'll also be out of mind.<P>She hasn't told any of her family what's going on. I told her older sister last week when she called. Not the explicit details, but the general picture. Her sister was shocked and said, "I just talked to her yesterday, and she didn't mention anything about this!" Her sister has since told the rest of her family, and her father called me last night. He asked pointed questions, until I gave him a brief summary of what was going on. He said he was happy to hear the way I felt (but he sounded like he had a few scotches). He said he was coming to town next Friday, and wanted to talk to both of us together.<P>I think the demands and pressure that he places on her this week will only drive her away further, at least for now. But maybe some of it will sink in. I have everyone's support it seems but hers. I'm sure her little 20-25 year old friends think of me as the controlling jerk who never wants her to have fun. I just want to grow up. And I wish she did too.<P>It just sucks.<P>Thanks for listening. Good-day.<P>EC<P>I feel weird posting this here, with so many people going through worse situations, and with tons more life experience than I have. Nevertheless, I've read about all of the recent threads here, and wish you all peace. This will pass, as does everything...<P>------------------<BR>Given recent events in Florida, the tourism board in Texas has developed<BR>a new advertising campaign based on the slogan "Ya'll come to Texas,<BR>where we ain't shot a tourist in a car since November 1963."<BR> -unknown

Hi, Drmweaver and welcome!<P>Severity of situations and experience don't seem to make a bit of difference in the pain and hurt and I'm so sorry you're having to go through it too. I'm also very sorry for your child - that's the person that really pays.<P>Wish I had better advice for you. You're in the right place though. The people here have experienced so very much and have helped me so much, I know there'll be some better than I could give.<P>It's hard to MAKE someone seek counselling for problems the past have caused - I haven't succeeded at that yet either. I congratulate you on looking w/in yourself and working on becoming the person YOU think you should be. Sometimes, actually All of the time, that's really all we can do, and hope that it RUBS OFF on our SO. <P>Hang in there, friend. For yourself, your child, and, quite possibly, your relationship. You're heading in the right direction.<P>-Lori

dreamweaver-<BR>You will find alot of comfort here. You situation is just the same no matter what the circumstances. <BR>It sounds to me that both of you have a lot on your plates. Working opposite hours is difficult under the best conditions. <BR>I feel for you and for your child. What you g/f is doing, is classic betrayer behavior. She says all the things that all of the betrayed here have heard a million times. <BR>She is confused right now. I think that the best thing for you do to, is move out. You may think that our of sight is out of mind, but she may not realize how much she really depends on you. Are you taking the child with you or is you g/f keeping her/him?<BR>Try to take some time for yourself. Don't let what she is doing control what you do for yourself. That is the best advise i can give, and I know it is hard. Let her go.<BR>God Bless,<BR>cc<BR>

Lori-<BR>Thanks for the kind words. I'm trying to hang in there. Trying not to say rude comments. Trying not to pathetically plead with her. I've been much more successful with this lately. Maybe she'll even take notice when all my stuff is gone.<P>Ceecee-<BR>This woman needs me. She's going to school and working full time this fall. I'll have my daughter 4 nights a week, and she'll have her the other three. My little girl is enrolled in preschool during the day. We get one weekend day apiece. That seems to be the verbal agreement for now.<P>I hope attorneys don't have to enter into it.<P>EC<P>------------------<BR>Given recent events in Florida, the tourism board in Texas has developed<BR>a new advertising campaign based on the slogan "Ya'll come to Texas,<BR>where we ain't shot a tourist in a car since November 1963."<BR> -unknown <BR>