I can not imagine every trusting anyone again - not just trusting them to be faithful, but trusting them to be truthful about their feelings. I am not talking about blind trust, I am talking about any trust at all. My H never told me during 19 years of marriage that anything was wrong. His behavior changed after the affair started, and I asked him point blank several times what was wrong, and he continually denied that anything was. Then he complained after he left that one of the things he didn't like about me was that I was oblivious. It is not like the cases where the betrayer says they tried to get their spouse to listen. It is like he purposely tried to deceive me into thinking everything was ok. <P>How can you ever have an argument with your SO without worrying that they will leave? How can you believe them when they tell you they love you? What reason would I have to expect that anyone else would be any different from my H? Several betrayers on this and other boards, mostly male, have said that there was nothing particularly wrong with their marriage before their affair started. My H said he always knew I loved him. How can my kids ever trust their future spouses, knowing what their father did?

Nellie1 -- Trust is a big issue when infidelity exists in a marriage. Normally it is the betrayed who feels the lack of trust, but sometimes it is the betrayer.<P>I don't know how to help you get your trust back. I wish I did. Trust has been an issue for me as well, and has been hrd to give back. I guess it's kind of like giving them enough rope to hang themselves. This is very hard to do, and sometimes can result in a hanging. Whether or not that happens is totally up to the other person.<P>It takes time Nellie1, it was a couple months before I stopped listening to every inflections in my W's words to see if I could detect a lie. <P>Trusting again is a conscience decision in our situations. There are times when I wish I could blindly trust again but I don't think that will happen for quite some time.<P>I have allowed myself to trust my W in the past couple months, and sometimes I keep expecting things to blow up in my face. Each day that goes by when there isn't an explosion is yet another step closer to our goal.<P>I hope my rambling has help at least give you a ray of hope in all this.<P>God Bless

Nellie, I worked very hard to rebuild trust after my husbands last affair. Just about the time I was succeeding, he decided to go after my friend. This time I have taken the opposite approach to trust. I told him I don't trust him now and never will again. I believe trust was what allowed him to have the affairs in the first place. I used to feel guilty because I didn't trust him, I don't anymore. He caused this, now he can deal with it! He knows if he is late from work, he'd better call or he will not have a pleasant homecoming! He has actually dealt with this very well.

To be honest this adultery thing is so new to me...but I will never trust again...and that was taken from me...so I cannot forgive. I want so much to trust. Wouldn't that be great! But we know the truth. I know myself, I know I keep promises, I know my love runs deep, I almost died and it was love that brought me back. Love is important, don't let anyone cheat you of that. Trust it has to be earned. And for us that will take time and we are worth it.

I can't imagine ever being able to trust my h or any man again and yet thats a scarey thought. I trusted my h completly till he told me about the affair. I said he could only come home if he stopped all contact with her. He agreed. So I believed him. Then he started taking these rides " to just think", recharged his new cell phone and is emailing. I found his email site,that he forgot to erase, now whenever I get on the computer all the history is erased so I know he is hiding something. This life is making him miserable.We just have to realize that this is how it's going to be.I do it gets better for all of us.

Nellie, I can only hope that with time we will trust again. But I have my doubts. My H changed so completely that I still reel from the shock of it, as does everyone else who knows him. I am terrified to get in another relationship and hear the words "I love you", I would rather not hear them, then be let down again.<BR><BR>Now I am left with the pleasant chore of being HIV tested, because I can't take the chance on believing that H did not have sex with her. And I know our sex was unprotected. So I will have to wait anxiously for the results. Trust? Nah, not for a LONG time<BR><P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Against the Wind (edited August 22, 1999).]

Nellie, I feel so for you. You have really been struggling and I wish I could make things better. I know that I will never fully trust anyone again. I will always keep my guard up some to make sure I don't get hurt like this again. <P>I hope your day is brighter. Try to just enjoy the fact that you have 6 beautiful kids and that you are a great mom. Being somebodys mother far out ranks being somebodys wife in my book. Our lives will go on with or without our H's and it's really up to us as to what we do with it. Me I will be working 30 days a month to keep food on the table but I know its not for ever and it's worth it. I'm doing it for my kids.<BR>I also know that there are brighter days ahead for me I just have to work a little harder to see them now.<P><BR>Jill