not really a poem,
just a letter I wrote.

Brenda, Bless you.
You are an inspiration.

Although its not often necessary, or even proper, to tell someone what you think of them, sometimes feelings compel it.
In the swirls of my mind and amid the melodies of my breathing, I have tried to sort out what words are most appropriate and the most kind. I suppose it is nice to receive a compliment, and I hope you consider it just as that.

I'm just back home, and even so soon the image of your face that I see when I close my eyes, has begun to fade. You are, to me, in all aspects the most elegantly beautiful persons I have met.

I wanted to say I enjoyed you. You have an alluring beautiful style, and I have been affected by that, in you. I really really enjoyed listening to you talk while I could, and I admired you visually when I could. I know you're not perfect. Common sense tells me that. But my mind convinces me you are.

Precious illusions like that are one of life's addictive thrills, yet fleeting, so I will let them perpetuate for a while. I would've loved to have seen you run! God, though, in Her infinite love & guidance had a different path for me that morning. Yet even so, its with enchanted awe and appreciation that serendipity gave the opportunity to know you.

Brenda with a smile, you remind me of an oasis! ; memorable, refreshing, delicate and miraculous; often perceived but seldom found.

And now at home I am getting into once again the well grooved routines of daily life, etcetera. So now with some wonder I reflect on your words and enticing profile, and I solemnly know time will attempt to dilute them down to just ideas and silhouettes.

Its gradually coming into the position where my memories of you are changing like some fantastic sunset; an hour ago or a day ago; a year ago... And if I set my gaze on some dark void I can recreate them and re-explore them in my mind, in perhaps concept but not accuracy. And though there is the ever present promise of a brilliant majestic sun-set again in the days and weeks ahead, into eternity, my eyes are consciously aware that there was something special about this one (being you Brenda).

So this current moment is a good time for writing down my thoughts to express what was inexpressible to you before. With the wonder of your sunset beauty still remaining within imagination it can be captured to canvas, so to speak, from memory. I've bit my lip to curb the emotion, as I apply the last brush stroke. Though, to what point, I remind myself.

I feel and I believe that our receiving good things in life is future dependent on giving thanks to good things in the present moment. By making my heart a happy home for all blessings right now, I hope in time to be deserving enough and attractive enough to attract the kindness and virtues of an inspirational gal comparable to you Brenda.

Anyways, you are thinking; what do I make of all this. And I smile.
Its a tribute to you.
Well take it with a grain of salt (and a grain of sugar). Its a bitter sweet way of telling you I think you are a great person. I think you are a good person. And I'm glad to have met you.
Thank you for (respectfully) entertaining my 'crush'.

I wish you overflowing treasures and helpful tranquility in all your family & personal matters.
==

just a letter I wrote.
Uh, you didn't actually send this, did you?

Oh, and what does your wife think of this letter?

<small>[ September 15, 2003, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Here is a letter I write to you:

Entertaining sweet fantasy with women who are already committed in matrimony
will say what you want
falunt their best
then rip your heart out
through your chest
I need not convinve you
Of their perilous lies
Just stop for a minute
and look into your wife's eyes.
WHAT IF this was your Brenda
What IF she evoked swooning
Emotions of fate?
IT's time you took a bite
of the crap you are piling on
Your plate.
These fantasies will come
These fantasies will stay
as long as you continue to hold on
ANd choose not to look the other way.
I know because I know
I am telling you the truth
So forgive me if my words appear
Bitter cold and aloof

Because my heart has been broken
My heart has been tied
And my mind has been aching
For this agony to subside

But in the midst of winter
Lays a gentle seed underground
Eager to blossom in the spring
If only love could be found
To melt it's frozen skin
Bring life to its' bitter bones
And cast away the sin...

I am a poet, but I will not use that gift on someone who used me. She used me for almost 2 years. She lied to me since the first day I talked to her. What she did makes her lower than a whore. Ditto for me.

I won't criticize you, because I have that glorious sunset in my head and in my heart...a curse to me now, better if I never met her. Better if I could have confronted myself my wife and my marriage before I lost control in my life with OW. My whole life revolved around her and seeing her, touching her, having her praises(all lies or half truths take your pick). Meanwhile the rest of my life deteriorated. I was suicidal at one point, and those feelings are not just going away. 3 weeks no contact feels like a lifetime when I lived my whole life in her shadow, or in the fantasy of being "her only man". I dont know how many men she has, probably many. I got tested for STDs, I am clean so far, but I want an AIDS test to be sure. My emotions range from depression to anger/rage when I think about her.

If you like what you hear, then you should pursue Brenda. My advice is work on yourself and your marriage if you love your wife, have you really tried to work on your marriage to see why you are looking elsewhere for fulfillment of these "feelings"? If you don't want the marriage, then be honest and divorce so that you can keep your self respect and give your wife the benefit of the doubt.

I am not even scratching the surface of what is going on inside me...its too painful. Sometimes I wish I had an easy way out, but there is none. Acceptance is a tough one, when you love someone with your heart and soul(even when you know it is probably wrong), and then you find out that you are not the only one loving her. It is hard to accept, but it is better than being lied to every day and believing in her love, care, faithfulness, and yes beauty. Those are luxuries of deceived adulterers who still believe.

Beauty, beautiful sunset, wanting to express feelings of warmth and caring...well I will tell you