A few weeks ago, my husband had a complete breakdown and admitted to me that he is having a serious affair with the receptionist at the factory where he works. I was in total shock. I knew things weren't great between us, we have been in withdrawal for at least the past year - but I had no idea that he would "break the rules."<P>He said that she insisted that he tell her how it was with them. She is in love with him, he has told her that he is in love with her - but he tells me that he isn't.. She wants him to leave me, and he is confused. He says that he doesn't want to leave me and the kids (two - ages 12 and 9)and that he needs help. He is contemplating suicide.<P>So, I call our family doctor and he agrees to see him that very afternoon. He confesses all, promises not to hurt himself, and is given some Xanax and Paxil. The doc referred him to a Psychologist and he scheduled to see him as soon as possible.<P>I was first concerned for him and his well-being, he was so distraught.. but as time goes on, I am feeling hurt and angry and I am looking to him to make these feelings subside. I need reassurance from him that he loves me and is not just staying because it is "the right thing to do." My sister has been great as far as taking the kids for overnights on the weekends so that we can have time to work on things, however, every time we are alone we start talking, then fighting, then one or both of us ends up sobbing. I have my doubts that we can overcome this.<P>I want to believe him when he says that he is dedicated to our marriage (he's here, isn't he?) but when he starts telling me how badly I have treated him - forcing him to the arms of OW - It pisses me off! I haven't been happy in a long time, but I didn't replace him! I played by the rules, and I trusted him to do the same.<P>Obviously, we have a long history spanning over 15 years of marriage, both good times and bad - I want to make this work, but I am having a hard time keeping the faith.<P>Can anybody help?

Patience,<P>Welcome! I am so glad that you found this forum. It will be a place where you can heal and find some direction to the bumpy path you've encountered. There is alot of support here if you'll just be open to seeing things from another perspective.<P>One thing you said in your post,"I need assurance from him that he loves me and is not just staying because it is the right thing to do". The thing is, IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Sometimes we need to do things for no other reason then that. I know the knowledge that he loves you is very important but for right now he is with you and that is a place to start. There are alot of folks on this forum who are working from a lesser vantage point.<P>My H was kept in a long term affair out of shear terror that he would lose everything he had (meaning me and our two children) if disclosure ever took place. The OW used that as her leverage to keep him with her and the outcome was a very broken man when disclosure finally took place. Suicide is an option for those who see no other way out. I am glad your H had the courage to come clean himself it will make recovery alot quicker. It took my H almost 12 years to get out of the mess he got himself into.<P>Keep the faith. God will give you the strength if you look to him. There is a forum on the power of the praying wife. It is about half way down the list of sites on the MB forums. I invite you to join us and know you will find added support. I'll will say a prayer for you and your H. You CAN overcome.

Hi, Patience. And Welcome. <P>Now I scream AAUUGGHHH! I typed a wise and witty post and then lost the darned thing. OK, we start over.<P>You're in the right place. And I really like your name. I do know how much you're hurting right now. And how much you really need it to go away.<P>First.....read, read, read, read, read!!!<BR>Everything on this site, Harley's principles, old posts, every recommended book. You'll need the information to fight this battle. Through our posts, you'll gain tremendous insight as to what you're in for. Knowing helps. Makes it a tiny bit easier to handle. It will help.<P>Counselling is a good idea - joint or single. You guys should talk about it. Seriously talk about it.<P><BR>Time - this will take time and lots of it. (You already figured out the patient part!) Give it the time it needs.<P>And you have us. And so does your H if he wants. We are here to give you strength. Use us. Vent, scream, cry, talk it all out, get through the day or the night. Use us so that you can give your H and your marriage the best part of you. It will pay off.<P>Unfortunately, he won't be able to make it all go away for you right now. No matter how much you need him to. But he's there, he's trying, he's taken steps to get the help he really needs to get through this. You may need some help too. Think seriously about it. And the two of you will grow strong and heal. Together you will heal your marriage.<P>I'm glad you're here. I've learned an awful lot from my friends here. And leaned on them through some of the worst times of my life. A better support network, you couldn't ask for!!<P>So, once again, welcome. My first answer was better, but my brain died when I deleted it! But we're here. And we're pulling for you.<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

Thanks for sharing,<P>Lostva is 100% right. This forum has helped save my life. If you don't have it get "SURVING AN AFFAIR" by Dr. Willard Harley. His theories made more sence to me than any other. Very simple and straight forward. They also seem to work, when I work them. Keep coming here, as often as you can.<BR>Don't be affraid to share honestly. It's helped me a great deal.<P>KEEP COMING BACK,<P>Bill

Welcome <B>patience</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>{{{{{{{{{{patience}}}}}}}}}}<P>This is my typical response to first time posters like yourself... my forum friends must be getting sick of this by now... But I think it is of help for the quick links it has in it.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principals and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! You need to be in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. This is the cornerstone text.<BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>But most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>But just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>Your probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Yes... we can help!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 23, 1999).]

hi patience, this thing is eating posts! Grrrr, but welcome to MB. Sorry we have to meet under such circumstances, but hey, here we are. <BR>You are wondering how you can be the pillar of strength for your family when you are hurting so bad? Why do you make the first steps toward healing? You are justifiably angry as you have been very wronged by one who you thought would love and protect you?Why do you stand by this crazy h after what he has just done to you and your family? Simply because you LOVE him.<BR>(((patience))) glad you found the forum. Read and read and listen!! Try to sleep too, it makes things go a lot smoother for you. You are in for some very rough times, but I can tell you are a smart woman. Afterall you knew to get him help asap, you saw the danger. <BR>You are lucky to have someone to help with the kids. Take advantage of it. But seems like there needs to be some commmunication work done so the two of you can heal. The pain is so raw right now, so fresh that it is very hard to talk about it. That is okay to talk and cry together. But try not to fight...it is done, it is over and now you need to find a way to deal with it. Read the info here on lovebusters-that will help calm the fighting. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of being angry ll the time. Hard, but try to stay focused on the goal, which is your family/marriage.<BR>Come here to vent, we will listen, give you tips on how we got thru the anger, the depression, the fear, etc. He will be angry with you, he will blame you. It is part of the recovery-part of the illness. He will stop, give it TIME. <BR>There is hope, there is a way to heal the marriage. Follow Harleys prinicples as closely as you can. Chris has a website with wonderful books! Read them. After an Affair by Spring and Torn Asunder by Carder helped me tremendously when I first found out. <BR>I hope you have patience. Communicate and expect miracles,as they can happen.<P>