The very thought of doing this, surviving this, is just so monumental to me right now,Trying to face,<BR>understand, and assimilate all this and carry on a life at the same time,<P>: I think I'm going to have to write stuff down because I'm all over the place and I need to get some<BR>focus real soon, because strength is good and all that, but I need to be able to function again and not<BR>exist in this bizarre grey, hazy place.....I was not prepared for the soul-hurt aspect of this...I just so<BR>desperately wish that you had not done this for as long as you did, heat of the moment,<BR>non-emotional sex, even an, "I was down in the dumps and needed comfort, but ended up in bed"<BR>scenario, I could deal with any of these, for some bizarre reason, (considering what our marriage was like<BR>and BOTH our parts in its demise), I keep coming back to the fact that it lasted all July, August and<BR>September and only ended the week before our "revealing" talk in the car (October 5), it doesn't<BR>cut, that kind of pain, it,......um,...rips.<P>I want to allow some part of me to hate you but am having some<BR>trouble with that right now..........did you ever look forward to getting away from me so you could go and<BR>be with her?, these types of things matter to me, I don't know why.... are you just telling me what I need to<BR>hear.........I don't know how much of you is dedicated to protecting yourself right now...<P>I know you will sincerely try to put hings right, and I'm almost afraid of the power that puts itself in my hands....revenge would be<BR>a brief, trivial non-thought, (but probably extremely violent would I allow myself to think in that<BR>direction...I need to forge a life with you...she, however, could be crushed by a garbage truck, and I<BR>think I would have a hard time feeling ANYTHING), but alas, these visualisations are not an option when trying to<BR>start a new life....<P>I didn't deserve this, really, I did not deserve this, <P>: Do you hear me - no matter WHAT. <BR>: mood swings, attitude, anger, bitterness, stresses, <P>: I did not deserver this. I did not deserve this. I did not deserve this. I did not deserve this. <P>: this is not my fault. this is not my fault. this is not my fault.<P>: You want so desperately to make this up to me, and I don't know how you possibly ever could.<BR>There is no excuse for this is my personal "morals file". I know how to leave, (previous cheating boyfriends - what?, is stupid written in neon over my forehead?..somebody tell me..)<P>: this is the first time I've decided to stay.....leaving is easy.....staying and starting over, that's hard.<BR>Getting to know each other again , from a fresh start aspect, you want to atone, you need to win<BR>back alot of things... I don't know.....I feel like I don't know anything anymore..I think we should<BR>share a house, and see where that goes before making any concrete plans...<P>: from this moment forth, if you ever find yourself feeling microbes of feelings for another human<BR>being in emotional/sexual ways, you will talk, right away, this can never ever, happen.....this is like<BR>death for me.......you have hurt me in ways that I can't verbally express yet...I mean, you had a great<BR>analogy the other night...I would cut my left leg off for you, and crawl across a desert..of course I<BR>would have...you fu#%* idiot...I LOVED YOU.....<P>....and you wasted that, ignored it and selfishly, feeling like a hurt little boy, found the desire and the passion you found lacking in your own life....with someone who just happened to "want you"....what a crock---you big baby.....oh, poor, sensitive boy, you give yourself excuses to justify<BR>behaviours at the time and conveniently forget them when confronted...I have never been this dissappointed in another human being ever in my life - This is coming out a little harsher than I<BR>expected, <P>but I am NOT SORRY.......oh my, ....<P>there is so much anger in me directed at you right now, or rather , centered on you....yet, overwhelming love for you at the same time now that you appear to be really "present" here, and willing to share in the work that a relationship is, you can't<BR>just show up suddenly and decide to be present in your life, (earlier this summer)and expect the wife you never hear, see, talk to, experience, connect with, be intimate with...sex, yes, but where was the<BR>"intimacy"?...(you were depleting it at her house!!)to want grab you, be suddenly filled with desire and seduce you in the bathroom, just to be spontaneous!!, can you see what I mean,.....you have to bring about the desire, with<BR>your actions, words, with your very prescence...not by leaving at 7 or 8 am, not coming home until 9<BR>regurlarly, 10 occaisionaly, and 11 and later sometimes...and expect me to stay sane with 2 kids, a roomate that is unemployed, a new house to fix and organize, the garage sale thing, the crazy ex-wife of yours...how can you be a parent when you are not here....how can I want you when I never see<BR>you, but know that there is suddenly talk of this one particular woman who suddenly appears out of<BR>nowhere and is suddenly enmeshed in our lives...<P>(ya, what a great friend she was to you, what a great person to talk to...thanks for the work, the referrals, the great deal on the new computer...the<BR>watch, the socks, too bad about you being a lesbian...wait, you want to try a man? here, let me help<BR>you..come on, you moron...)....<P>what did you do all summer (here, in our lives) that ever once really deserved the level of lust, want and desire that you say you wanted and needed from me?....or a really good<BR>dirty ........ I know these are things you value highly sexually speaking...<P>with you out at her place every so<BR>often.....getting your ego stroked, lying to me, to ur children, to your friends, having them lie....when did you deserve to get the woman at home that<BR>you've got now.....look at your own behaviors all summer and tell me when I should have been filled with great want, desire or even love for you....getting home at 10, then sitting down, eating a meal I would cook for you, to have you go sit in the office at the computer and play computer games with<BR>your online budies..or the roomate...or be doing more odd-jobs until 11 pm at her place......leaving me to clean the mess and wonder where the hell the<BR>helpful husband was today, because this guy certainly was not him.....you preferred to sit there in front of the computer rather than come to bed with me, going to sleep alone sucks man, <P>you were not doing anything that<BR>contributed to my feeling very amourous or loving to you.....you would forget that I would ask you for things on the way home...you think I should not be angry and despairing of your love for us when<BR>you forget, ....I f%&*$ng wept that night in the kitchen, leaned over the counter and wept because we meant so little to you that you would forget food for your child..our child...and now, knowing that of<BR>course you weren't focused on us then, you were focussed on the concealment of everything, and the fact that the boiling pot of our lives was about to overboil and explode is the reason you finally stopped it,<BR>not because you love me and what you did was wrong.....or am I interpreting it wrong...I see things<BR>from far too many perspectives and I think its taking its toll on my mental state. ****. I can't even imagine how any of this can make sense to you...they must seem like the ramblings of a madwoman....I just found myself overwhelmingly disappointed in you starting around July, no matterwhat I did, you were just "not here"....a heaviness in my heart that the end was coming, and I alone could not stop it, I needed your help and<BR>you were unavailable to me, getting home too late to effectively discuss anything....you gave up on us, and didn't bother to try,...you were selfish...rather than live in your life, you took the fantasy and gave<BR>yourself permission to be missing in your life......simply, this would have had a chance then, you idiot,<BR>if you had sat down and said...I am really close to having sex with #%&$^%&, or I'm finding that I am getting too inbolved here, ... you would have effected the change you were seeking all along,<BR>because then, you would never have had a need for her....I would have shown you how you were acting, how your expectations of positive change could not be met within the lifestyle you were living<BR>then - you were unrealistic and unreasonable to think I would miraculously change with you behaving<BR>the way you did all summer.....<P>: I don't know who you are anymore...she took you away for a long time....everything I once held<BR>true....things I KNEW about you, things I would bet my life and our child's on, are now suddenly<BR>gone, this is a mind-rape like no other,....I can't stop the shaking when you are not here....<P>but am I willing to bet the rest of my life now on the belief that you are now telling the truth.....? Trust is such a<BR>bizarre thing that I can't even go into that right now.<P>: ..do you see how easy it can be...how easy it could have been back in july....don't you just want to<BR>kick yourself....<P><BR>: I have to go now...I'm hoping for greater clarity soon, and less bitterness<P>: I love you

I felt every word. It's good to get it out here. <P>And the most important part - the last three.<P>((((((((((soulloss))))))))))<P>Lori

All I can say is WOW!!!

I can only say Ditto on the WOW!<P>I have felt much of what you wrote and could have written much of what you wrote. I never have done it though. Don't know if it is lack of courage or if I kept stuffing it away. <P>Again WOW!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Soullous}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Thank you.<P>You have just said EVERYTHING I have thought, felt and agonised over.<P>I'm so sorry you had to go through it, are you OK. <P>That wasn't rambling, I understood, and felt, every word and phrase.<P>You haven't lost your sanity, in fact, I wouldn't mind betting you've just found it again. !!<P>Hope things improve for you<P>Jo

good morning!<BR>all I can say to all of you is WOW.........<BR>I did not expect such responses, I thought no one would be interested in a W's letter to her H......<P>it helped to say all the things I wanted to say to his face....even if only in print....hurting him is not my goal and I am trying to move forward into a new relationship....but there are still things I need to say and/or ask.....sometimes you want to "slap" them with the true logic and facts of situations.....<P>lostva,<BR> thank you....you are so right about the last three words being the most important.....but I heard those 3 words throughout his entanglement, so it takes alot to say them, and takes more to hear them and to choose to believe them......<P><BR>tmdm,<BR> I say WOW alot these days..........its usually followed by a physical collapse onto the nearest couch........LOL....and a state of non-movement........<P>Samantha-MI,<BR> thanks to you as well, I did keep stuffing everything away and never expressed it, or let it out constructively....then, this devastation of a summer happened,......................and I will never 'stuff' again........thanks for all the hugs....they are greatly appreciated....<P><BR>Hanora,<BR> 'way with a turn of a phrase' ? I honestly never noticed........I figure, if I make sense and one person understands my mad ramblings, then I'm ahead of the game....LOL....<P>bonnet,<BR> (((((((((((((bonnet)))))))))))))<P>just like I felt your words.....sometimes, somebody else has to say them for you to hear your own......that happens to me alot.... you ask am I ok?<P>no.<P>I am not ok....<P>I don''t know what the heck I'm doing half the time..........all H's contact with her stopped before discovery...plans A and B don't really apply.....I have implemented plan c.........the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants and save your marriage any way you can plan.....I'm so scattered...I need a vacation...............<P>things are improving, every day, I just have to learn to open my heart and accept the improvements......<P>thank you.<P>many happy blessings to you and yours....<BR>

Soulloss,<P>I glad that you feel better and sound better today. <P>I still have to tell you that your post profoundly effected me. I am still wondering if I have not let out all I feel deep inside. I have never expressed my anger to that degree yet with husband. I am not sure if it exists or I am stuffing it? <P>You said<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I don''t know what the heck I'm doing half the time..........all H's contact with her stopped before discovery...plans A and B don't really apply.....I have implemented plan c.........the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants and save your marriage any way you can plan.....I'm so scattered...I need a vacation...............<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have felt that way too. So many times and didn't go on vacation. Go if you at all can. I think it may be just what the two of you need. I hope and pray you can. I am not clairvoyant or anything close but I have a feeling a strong feeling that you should go away for a little while. Regroup and take care of yourself. Indulge.<P>Let us know if you do.<P>By the way "Have a Happy Thanksgiving"!<P><B>{{{{{{{{{{{SOULLOSS}}}}}}}}}}}}}</B><P><BR>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

{{{{{{{{{{soulloss}}}}}}}}}}<P>Wow... even today... Wow !<P>I'm glad you got that off your chest...<BR>I have actually said a few of those sentences (not all) face to face with my W before I knew about MB.<BR>I agree with everyone about that... sometimes <B>you have to let loose</B>! God knows we're human... if we weren't... we'd be Him!<P>I have to agree with Samantha-MI <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...I have a feeling a strong feeling that you should go away for a little while. Regroup and take care of yourself. Indulge.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>All this <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Concepts</A>... is good... but for <B>all</B> us... <I>including me</I>... it is impossible to <B>always go by the book</B>! Yes... I know I quote from it more than anyone else here... don't think my head is always in the clouds... I have 3 kids to keep me in the real world often enough.<P><B>Don't let me or anyone knock you for what you've done... or said in the letter.</B><P>Take that break... vacation... whatever... <P>But <B>do</B> come back to us here...<BR>Vent some more when you come back... but this time... just vent to us... not your H <P>Maybe a short (relative term) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... to allow for some rebuilding of H's understanding that he <B>can</B> come back... and then later... a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... Maybe even think of your "vacation" as a form of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>.<P>Prayers for your deep hurt...<BR>Prayers for your own personal healing...<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 24, 1999).]

I'm sitting here laughing, because, after everything that has happened, I think I am 'afraid' to tell H that I want to leave for a little while (a weekend), I so desperatel NEED some mental clarity right now...actually, I need to be alone....no kids, no H, no housework, no job-hunt, no cold canadian weather.....where are the free trips to the carribean when you need them?<P>anyone here know how to escape with no money? I mean really, none..... <BR>$ 20.00....canadian...so its worth even less....lololololol.....<P>I keep thinking that something is wrong with me.....H loves me, wants to do ANYTHING that he can to make us work, and to make himself into a new and improved version of the man I fell in love with, is truly remorseful for his 'entanglement', and I'm right there for him, but I enter into these wierd grey, hazy states where I look at him, or even myself and I can't recognize us.....I want to be a lump on the couch......the despair falls heavily these days.....in the midst of what should be a re-juvenating period....here is where the work must begin, and I want to leave him with the kids and run away somewhere for a while...could this be because this is what I feel he did for the summer with the OW? I should be working on my marriage......I just want to be alone....<P>thank you all again.....I feel guilty, when I read all the other posts, I feel my situation is not 'that bad', that alot of you would probably gladly change places because our foundation of love is still safe (it was non-emotional sex...she 'wanted' him, he 'wanted' her....H never loved OW, never told her he did, and tried repeatedly to end it after their 1st time together), I feel bad using space on the board for my seemingly 'fixable' probs...lol.<P>hope one and all are having a 'take care of thyselves' kind of week-end...<P>Dylan

I just re-read your letter and then your last posting.<P>Let me say first of all that there is NOTHING wrong with you - NOTHING!!!!! You've just gone through one of the most horendous ordeals anyone can go through. And as for feeling guilty - why? - your post touched ALOT of us - it was so amazing!!! It's like everything I am thinking and would love to be able to say, was right there staring me in the face. Don't feel bad about sharing your feelings - trust me - we know how it is. I too only found out a short time ago, so my wounds are just as raw as yours.....<P>What caught my eye in your last posting (nov 27) was the overwhelming need you have to be totally alone, a "lump" on the couch, the weird grey hazy states, the despair....I was wondering if you've seen your doctor since all of this came about. I'm no expert, but you seem to have alot of symptoms I had when I was very depressed. Alot of people do not want to admit depression because they fear being weak or whatever, but if you're not already, you may want to consider using an antidepressent for awhile. They will enable you to get through those desperate times and help to clear up your head and allow you to think a little straighter. I'm not going to say that you won't still have low/sad feelings - I wish!! - but the medication should help take the wicked edge off. The meds take about 3 weeks to kick in so sooner the better!!<P>I, too, am a victim of the Canadian winters - and, in my opinion, the winters only add to the "blues". And yes it is tough to just get away from it all - I feel for you. It really sucks! I just hope you can continue to vent on this board and try the doctor thing and hopefully you will start to feel a little better soon and feel like responding to your new and improved h. If there's any silver lining to all of this, at least he is remorseful and wants to rebuild. This is truly a blessing.<P>One more thing you may want to consider is saying a little prayer - I heard this "footprints" poem today and it really made me think: <P> One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.<BR>When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.<BR>This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it: "LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."<BR>The LORD replied: "My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."<P>- Author unknown <P>I believe we are never given more than we can truly handle...even if we think we can't.<P>Take care of yourself. <BR>

tmdm,<P>thank you. <P>where do you experience those famous canadian winters from? if you don't mind my asking....<P>that poem is beautiful.....<P>well, if I wasn't depressed before the affair, I sure as heck am now....LOL....I found some ativan I had (prescribed at the time of my MIL's death), called the pharmacy, checked on the shelf life, and now, feel much better this morning....you are right...i think I need something to take the wicked edge off.....<P>H suggested last night that he may take kids to see his dad (in other province) for a weekend, thus giving me the time and space I think I need......I did not know at the time of his suggestion that he had in fact read the above post....<P>H is now posting here as well, (as Soulloss's exH)......, this should be interesting.....I mean that in a good way....<P>thank you again for your words and wisdom....<P>I just need to get to a place where there are NO demands on me, no pulling children, screaming toddlers, husbands who need,.....I can't think like this.....I need to be alone....not in a depressed way, but simply because I can't think here.......there is no silence in my brain....I NEED to be selfish...just for me....I need to look into my soul and see what I need, see the changes I need to make to help my H and myself through this....<P>there are too many distractions here, and I feel resentful here...I have done for everyone else in my life for the past 4 years and I am losing my mind....I even said the other day :<P>"if I do one mmore thing for someone in this house, and that someone is not myself, I may start screaming and never stop!"<P>Is it horrible to want to selfishly abandon everyone around me for the selfish purpose of mental clarity ?, or is it indeed the wise and mature thing to do, as I cannot take care of others until I take care of myself...I CANNOT give when I am empty.....I can't even think clearly.....<P>Dylan <BR>who desperately needs more coffee!!!<BR>

sorry, the above post should have been under my username, there was some mix-up, but its now fixed,<P>Dylan

WOW is too mild of a word!!!!!<P>Your starting post on this thread is awesome!!!<BR>I wish you had been around to write a similar letter for me after my "discovery" I probably would have given it to my H. I still don't think he is fully aware of the pain his infidelity caused then, and continues to cause in some way now. He probably never will.<P>I cannot think of another living creature who's life is shattered so completely when their mate consorts with another. This is what makes us different from all other creatures. How is it men can justify actions of infidelity as "part of their instinctual nature" when such emotional pain and trauma results in the hearts of those who love them?<P>You will survive this. There is a lot in your favor to succeed in the remodeling of your marriage, just remember, it will not happen naturally. You are right. You need to focus for a while on yourself. Get a new hair do. Have your nails done. Buy some new underwear. Then, let the pain and anquish go as best you can so you can grab on to the love you have to GIVE your H. Let it be the guiding force behind all your interactions with him. It will take time for you to trust his loving responses to you, but if he is giving to you, you know he cannot be giving to someone else. If you doubt, give more.<P>Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.<P>Beth

thank you Beth.<P>H says he is aware of the pain he has caused, sees it when he looks at me. He thinks he knows fully because of having been cheated on in his past dating life.<P>But for me, this is different.....he will never be fully aware......he cannot possibly EVER fully recognize the profundity of the pain, because I don't think another human being can face that they have inflicted that much pain....much easier to say you do, avert your eyes, and get on with your life, or else stare right at it and experience giult and shame forever....<P>to have a boyfriend/girlfriend 'cheat' (what a stupid expression) is devastating, I'm not downplaying it, but it is different when you are a WIFE or HUSBAND for that matter.....different when there are children, hopes, dreams, plans, a future together, when a past, a history together is involved....<P>there comes a time when you cross a threshold in a relationship nd allow yourself to fully trust another human being ......a scary time.....you would trust with your life, emotions, desires, fears, and dreams........and then you have that trust betrayed (I won't even go into the double sense of betrayal from knowing that the OP knows those fears, dreams, desires, quirks, faults, because of spillage of contents of life on the part of the betrayer......mind-rape....)<P>No, I don't think he will ever know fully, or can ever be fully aware of what he had inflicted.....<P>But you are right.....I will survive this.<P>thank you Beth.<P>Dylan

thank you Beth.<P>H says he is aware of the pain he has caused, sees it when he looks at me. He thinks he knows fully because of having been cheated on in his past dating life.<P>But for me, this is different.....he will never be fully aware......he cannot possibly EVER fully recognize the profundity of the pain, because I don't think another human being can face that they have inflicted that much pain....much easier to say you do, avert your eyes, and get on with your life, or else stare right at it and experience giult and shame forever....<P>to have a boyfriend/girlfriend 'cheat' (what a stupid expression) is devastating, I'm not downplaying it, but it is different when you are a WIFE or HUSBAND for that matter.....different when there are children, hopes, dreams, plans, a future together, when a past, a history together is involved....<P>there comes a time when you cross a threshold in a relationship nd allow yourself to fully trust another human being ......a scary time.....you would trust with your life, emotions, desires, fears, and dreams........and then you have that trust betrayed (I won't even go into the double sense of betrayal from knowing that the OP knows those fears, dreams, desires, quirks, faults, because of spillage of contents of life on the part of the betrayer......mind-rape....)<P>No, I don't think he will ever know fully, or can ever be fully aware of what he had inflicted.....<P>But you are right.....I will survive this.<P>thank you Beth.<P>Dylan

thank you Beth.<P>H says he is aware of the pain he has caused, sees it when he looks at me. He thinks he knows fully because of having been cheated on in his past dating life.<P>But for me, this is different.....he will never be fully aware......he cannot possibly EVER fully recognize the profundity of the pain, because I don't think another human being can face that they have inflicted that much pain....much easier to say you do, avert your eyes, and get on with your life, or else stare right at it and experience giult and shame forever....<P>to have a boyfriend/girlfriend 'cheat' (what a stupid expression) is devastating, I'm not downplaying it, but it is different when you are a WIFE or HUSBAND for that matter.....different when there are children, hopes, dreams, plans, a future together, when a past, a history together is involved....<P>there comes a time when you cross a threshold in a relationship nd allow yourself to fully trust another human being ......a scary time.....you would trust with your life, emotions, desires, fears, and dreams........and then you have that trust betrayed (I won't even go into the double sense of betrayal from knowing that the OP knows those fears, dreams, desires, quirks, faults, because of spillage of contents of life on the part of the betrayer......mind-rape....)<P>No, I don't think he will ever know fully, or can ever be fully aware of what he has inflicted.....<P>But you are right.....I will survive this.<P>thank you Beth.<P>Dylan

Soulloss,<P>I am in the EXACT same position you're in and I'm feeling EVERY single word you're saying. I too have just found out the truth about 7 weeks ago. I can't decide whether I should see a counselor or try to work it out myself. I feel so humiliated and stupid for staying instead of leaving. <P>My H wants to rebuild and hopes that our so called 'love' will be strong enough to overcome this sad event. In the meantime, he acts as if nothing ever happened. He sees my hurt everynight, has answered some of my questions and now refuses to talk about the affair, which leaves me in a state of limbo.<P>It sounds like you need to see a doctor about your "blues" feelings. My doctor has prescribed Prozac to help me deal with my ordeal. Talk about feeling crazy!<P>Thank you for sharing your story, and good luck with your recovery. <P>Take care of yourself and the kids.<P>

Alsolost,<P>if you are in the same boat as I, then do what I have not yet done.....counselling...this trying to get through this on your own...doesn't seem to be working for me.....so, I will look into counselling and the meds....have some ativan left over from my MIL's terminal illness, but am acutley aware that it IS a narcotic, and habit-forming, so going lightly, and will have to wait for health care card to come before getting something safer...<P>DO NOT FEEL STUPID FOR STAYING.....that would mean i should too.....LOL...<P>listening to your heart, knowing what is true for you, and finding out what you are capable of dealing with can only make YOU a better person....never feel stupid for keeping and holding onto love...I read one of those romance novels when I was in my teens and the line I have remembered ALL MY LIFE:<P>LOVE KNOWS NO SHAME......FOLLOW IT PROUDLY, HEAD HELD HIGH, GO WHERE YOU NEED TO, DO WHAT YOU MUST....LOVE IS EVERYTHING.....<P>I know the humiliated feeling, but, if you love your H, as I do mine, then we have no other choice....<P>thank you for sharing.<BR>Dylan