good evening everyone!!!!<P>Hugs to one and all that require them....<P>I hope this lovely evening finds us all in the same state of turmoil and still-bizarreness that has been<BR>the norm...<P>I have a glass of wine, H is out with child 1, picking up child 2, I'm sitting here reading the boards, feeling wierd...<P>I just thought it might be nice to sit down and have a little chat with everyone...<BR>well, H just got home, LOL, so that was short-lived!!!<P>I'll have to give you the short version of our "start over from scratch" update.<P>H now has his own bedroom, so do I.<BR>this has worked out exceedingly well...I love having my own space again, I even re-arranged everything and put out all "my stuff"..Jim Morrison has not hung on my wall in a good 15 years (I am 31)!!<BR>so much has happened in the past month...<P>the man who shares my home is not the same man who had and told me of his affair...<BR>so much is getting done...in our lives (taxes etc..), in our home, (unpacking from a 4-month ago move), ourselves, (because he does "handyman" work, he now takes us to work with him and tells his clients that it is a "family business"...lol.<P>he has admitted that he is terrified of me leaving him...so I suppose, in a way, it gives me a feeling of empowerment, something I have not felt in 4 years...what a strange thing...<BR>imagine this, the worst, devastating, horrifying, painful event of your life awakening in you a person you never knew, but secretly hoped existed within you...<BR>then again, there are the moments, when in the middle of washing dishes, the silent crying starts, the "visuals" come, the what if's, the if only's, the how could he...and I hate him...I hate what he has done<BR>yet, at the very same time, i'm torn because I feel this new me emerging (sorry if that sounds sappy....), from the rubble left after this bomb dropped.<P>And he has these profound changes occurring as well, and I'm here watching it, wondering when the "twilight zone" episode that has become my life is going to stop already!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>I know that we can "get our s^%$ together" and make this work.....its just that we have both been afraid of the work involved...<P>it was easier for him to allow himself to fall into an affair with a woman who wanted him, when he was not wanted at home, than to come home, acknowledge our crap, and then to actively pursue fixing us.<BR>it was easier for me to shut parts of myself down and off, vital ones, and become bitter, easier than looking at him, telling him my feellings rather than *****ing, easier than to really sit him downand try to<BR>help our marriage.<P>I think we may just be "putting our backs into it".<P>the OW has finally stopped sending stuff to me via e-mail...it had to get really nasty for her to get the message...she actually contacted friends via the internet to find out from them what was going on..she<BR>could not stand not knowing if he was available or not...she even asked me straight out if I thought it would work out between us in the long run...<BR>she had some bizarre notion of us having "bonded"....and since I was his "partner" (we're common-law, so she justifies her actions because we were not married in a church, so he was not legally married!!!)...no one but me could know and understand the pain she was in over losing<BR>him!!!! can you believe this!!!!! .....she reached out becasue i could understand her pain!!!<BR>sheeeeesh......<BR>now I have to be her bloody psychiatrist.......ya, right, thank for the details about you and my<BR>husband really bonding in everyway when you had sex....thanks,...I really needed that....telling me where things were placed in my home, asking about my children. MY CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!<P>sorry.<BR>venting.<P>I watch him now, when he thinks I'm not looking....and I try to see him as she might have, and over the course of the month, I have come to realize that he is a beautiful man, an exciting man, a funny man, a charming man, a sensual man, but the wife in me sees a sorrowful man, a regretful man, and a man who loves me....<P>I have the comfort of KNOWING that my future lies with this man, it always has, we lost sight of that...<P>I'm lucky.<BR>I love him.<P>correction.<P>he's lucky.<P><BR>I love him.<P>LOL.<P>it is not easy. don't misunderstand me. this is the hardest thing I think I will ever do in my life.<BR>even sharing our home is difficult at times...we're in for a bumpy one..<P>but a life without him is not an option......I am rambling...<P>sorry.<P>I just saw the length of this<P>I'm really sorry. LOL. <P>thank you so much for being here...<P>Dylan<BR>

WOW, reading your posts really move me. Not that that was what you were looking to do. But you speak from the heart and basically that is all you can do. It sux with a capital S, but we never realize how strong we are until some devastating drama like this happens. We may not feel strong, but just the fact that we can keep our sense of humor proves that we are. Keep writing your thoughts, anger, hatred here, we are all listening.

Dylan,<P>Great post! Getting your feelings out is soul food. What your saying is very reflective but very positive. Wish I had had this site to express myself when it was really "down and dirty". Keep on venting for a time if it helps. We've all been there and we all will listen. There will come a time when direction will be needed and hopefully one of us can help. Yah, your right you are in for one bumpy ride but the alternative is not any less bumpy and the results are the end of something it sounds like both of you want. Hang in!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

What a great post. There's nothing really to add.<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

What a GREAT post! Thanks for sharing. You guys WILL be successful, because the DESIRE to be successful is such a large part of rebuilding the marriage! How loving - to love IN SPITE of the betrayal.... <P>Roll Me Away

Great post soulloss,<P>It is nice to see someont working (and succeeding) through the withdrawal stage... keeing up with <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs (page 75 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And then starting the transtion into the "Four rules" to guide marital recovery<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL> <P>Keep us posted on your progess...<P>Prayers for the continued good success... <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

it's just such a scary place to be right now.....as all here very well know....it's a good thing I liked the roller coaster so much as a child.....<P>both H and I have an overwhelming DESIRE to have afuture together, to learn from this, grow from it, let it give us the reason to start over....the marriage that was...is finished.....we need to build something new...for us....<P>and to love in spite of the betryal, well, I loved before, during and after....why not in spite of.....I can't stop now......it would not be true to my character.....or honest to my personal ethics....and I have learned in the past month, I have character.......and this man is very much a part of that.....I am who I am partly because of who he is and who he brings out in me....not loving this man is not a concept I am familiar with.......and one I hope to be familiar with for the next 60-odd years...<P>thank you all so much....<P>Dylan

so, how do I go from feeling the above, to waking up the next day and wanting to jump on a bus to anywhere?.....I'm so tired.....to many visuals, too much hurt, too much pain, and strangely, too much love......<P>Dylan

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>but a life without him is not an option<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You have to be able to at least see that it is an option. Not to say that you have to choose the option.<P>People get married & rely on each other for everything. If we cannot depend on ourselves to get what we need, then we become co-dependent.<P>Do I NEED my Wife? No.<BR>Do I WANT my Wife? Absolutely without question.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

hi soulloss,<P>what a beautiful post. Your H is a very lucky man.<P>Just keep on thinking those loving thoughts, you want him in your life - (the hurt and pain will diminish over time), and look what you have to look forward to in your future. A new wonderful relationship with this man that you clearly adore. Like you said, the old relationship is gone, over, dead and buried. Your new relationship will be divine, and one that will go from strength to strength. Keep that 'new relationship' thought in your mind when those doubts, the anger and the fear come. Dismiss those horrible horrible visuals, they happened, you can't change that, but he's with you, he chose you, give yourself some new visuals of you and him. Buy some new lingerie (my favourite pick-me-up), some new bedlinen, paint your bedroom a new soft colour, and get going on that new beautiful relationship.<P>You lucky lucky thing, I wish you all the best.<P>I found something in my little book of self-esteem quotes that might apply here:<P>"Healthy" shame tells you that you've done something terribly wrong. <BR>"Toxic" shame tells you that you ARE terribly wrong.<BR>You need to deal with both kinds of shame."<P>Maybe these are 2 of the many feelings that your partner is experiencing right now. He did something terribly wrong, and he was terribly wrong, but he is trying to make amends now. Your partner needs you, and you are there. You will grow from this, and the beauty is, you'll grow together.<P>You will both be in my prayers tonight.<P>Jo

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>it was easier for him to allow himself to fall into an affair with a woman who wanted him, when he was not wanted at home, than to come home, acknowledge our crap,<BR> and then to actively pursue fixing us.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yup, that's probably how most of these things work. Certainly that's how my H got overly involved with his "friend." I was lucky; I think I intervened with Plan A before his emotional affair could proceed further.<P>I think over time we all tend to take our spouses for granted. Often we end up duplicating our parents' marriages -- the bickering, the silences, the barely-tolerating-each-other -- instead of realizing we can make ours different.<P>We're just finishing a ghastly Thanksgiving weekend full of crying jags and rollercoaster emotions over our 13-year-old cat with heart trouble. He's responding well to medication now and we're grateful. You folks may laugh, but to us, our cats are our children, and while we know it's part of the bargain we make when we take pets into our homes, it's still hard to let them go.<P>But it's brought us closer together...H has shed some tears over other losses in his life (mom) as much as over our cat, and I've been there for him. He seems to remember now what's good about being with me.<P>Glad things are working out for you and your H, soulloss. I've read his posts, but haven't commented. Both of you are bright and perceptive, and I know that your insight and introspection will serve you well.

Soulloss,<BR>What a wonderful post and so full of thoughts most of us has had. I don't come in here too often anymore, sometimes it brings back old memories. It has been 16 months since I found out, and I still have days when I wonder why and ask all of the what-if questions. I know after months of counseling that there are certain things I will never understand. At times I'm still very angry at HIS choice. He could have gone to counseling, but chose not to, I instead went alone. Like everyone in here, once the dust settled and I dug myself out of the deepest, darkest hole I had ever been in, I found a new person. I am much stronger than I have ever been and much more forgiving (for the most part) than I thought would be possible. Some things have been harder to forgive like the friends and in-laws that knew what was going on and thought it was acceptable. They even told him to be careful not to get caught.........can you believe? My husband could not be more apollogetic and is truely remorseful, these other people act as though nothing ever happend. I have tried to turn the other cheek and it takes all of my greatest strength to welcome them in my home. It makes me sad to know I may never forgive them for their choices. I am greatful we have made it, it was the hardest work I have done but it had the best rewards. I still worry at times though, I tended to ignore the issues before and I won't now. The one thing I do know without question is if he ever strays again it is over. I know that I am worth so much more than that, I can say you made a mistake, but if you do it twice you are just a fool. I will never allow anyone to make me not want to live again. I am thankful for the strength I received through this. I just want you to know you never forget, and details can still be strong, but you have a great attitude and you will make it.

thank you for your words of hope......<P>I think we can make it work......once all the visuals and thoughts don't appear in technicolor anymore........

Soulloss<P>I had read this post before and thought "wow, her thoughts and post affair feelings seem to mirror mine. I actually just finished reading your first post -letter to your husband- and felt that even stronger. I can totally relate to being "in the middle of washing the dishes, the silent crying starts, the "visuals" come, the what if's, the if only's, the how could he...I hate him...I hate what he has done.<P>There are so many times when it gets sooo overwhelming. The fact of the matter is I love Arik, and he loves me. Things that I knew to be true aren't anymore but that doesn't mean that I can't rebuild my faith in him. So many things scare me, there are times when I don't believe much of what he says to me. I placed my trust in him that he would end the affair only to find out that he really hadn't. I am not sure what it is going to take for me to believe him when he tells me that he didn't talk to her today, but I will try and go on and live in this H#l#ish universe that he created for us.<P>I realize there were problems in our marriage, but they weren't so bad that he should go out and have an affair. The work we have to do on our marriage now is so much greater now than it would have been if he had just come to me and said"I think I'm falling in love with somebody else and I'm not sure why, let's try and fix things with us before it is too late"...WHY DIDN'T HE JUST COME TO ME INSTEAD OF GOING TO HER!!!!!!!!!!<P>I am sorry for venting on your post. Your feelings in your posts were so similar to mine that it just came out.<P>I want to close by saying that not every day is so bad. Yesterday was nice. And hopefully we can string as many of those nice days together as we can and make it a week or a month...maybe I'm getting ahead of myself but I do look forward to some semblance of normalcy in our lives.<P>I hope this isn't too much of a downer for you. I have benn posting a bit longer than you but our recovery time line is almost the same, disclosure of emotional affair on Oct.7 he went away to clear his had the next day she met him there and they had sex. He told me about their one sexual encounter on Oct.11. The past is still so fresh and recent sometimes it's hard to get a grip on the present.<P>Sorry for going on again...I will stop for now. Hugs to you and your entire family.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<BR>

Hey there,<P>I read your post last night and couldn't get it off my mind all day. Very profound. First of all, what a gift you have of conveying feelings. I kept on hearing myself say, "Yeah, yeah, me too". You need to become a writer of some sort. By the result of replies that you obtained, I feel that I am not the only one that feels this way.<P><BR>Second of all, I am so jealous of your glass of wine. I am eight months pregnant and have gone sober through this whole nightmare of a cheating situation. My story is very similar to you and your husband's. I discovered my husband's affair on July 5 of this year. I left him, taking my 3 year old son. His children from a previous marriage were to live with us this summer and I made him tell them why they couldn't. I have been involved in this man's life for over 13 years. I helped raise his two children and we have had a son of our own. I have put up with his crazed ex-wife. We pay child support and we are very generous to his children in many ways. I was four months pregnant when I discovered H's affair. My H is 45 years old. His OW was 19. I am 39. I thought that I was the younger woman. The affair had been going on for 3 months. I knew, but couldn't prove its existance. Anyway, in time, I moved back home. I do believe that good people can make mistakes and I am hoping at making this marriage work. At least on my good days I feel that way. On my bad days, I want to go to Colorado and mountain climb.<P><BR>I was impressed by your term "mind rape". It summed it up perfectly. I could never convey so succinctly all those emotions that I feel, as well as you have. I made H read your posts. He needs to know how it is for us. Sure he feels guilty, dirty, disappointed in himself, but he has no idea how he has blown my world. I do not want to be this woman that I am, whose man has cheated on her. If I had guts... well who knows. I am shattered, scared of the future (impending labor pains and birth)<P>All that I thought that I knew...Him, that is... was a lie. Am I so out of touch that I have been tricked by the one who I thought I knew best? <P>The perfect marriage, HA! We quilted together, we ball-room danced together, we traveled and hobbied and oh so much more. My brothers all seem to see his side. AHH...wasn't he lucky to score with a fresh 19 year old. My friends have no understanding. Leave the bum.... you can do better for you and your family. I have no support... but him (ironic, isn't it)<P>Thanks for letting me vent. I needed it badly. <P><BR>Meg