My depression grows more severe everyday. I am alienating everyone around me. My mother and I had arguments over the past two days, And now we are not speaking.... I won't call my wife about anything, yet she seems to take great delight is leaving messages on my answering machine about how I'm writing checks on our joint account that should have been closed by her weeks ago. I haven't written any checks in weeks on that account and opened up my own account at another bank. She tells me she has no money and doesnt' get paid for 5 days. I have 10 dollars that has to last me 7 days. Still have no ice box, bills are still months past due.... and she expects ME to put money I DON'T have in the joint account so she can close it. It's all falling to pieces and there isn't anything I can do about it, except wait patiently here at home, waiting for the police to arrive to arrest me for checks that should have cleared, but won't because she decided to use the money to get her new house, pay all her bills, deposits for utilities and all that other crap...<BR>I quit. I give up... I don't want anymore, but it will happen anyway.... I dont' have anyway of stopping it or any other failure GOD is going to allow to befall me. HE wants me to go back to school, but I can't without money and having a full time job. Can't quit my job then my daughter won't have insurance.<BR>There is no victory in my forseeable future and I don't hold hope for it to happen anymore. I lose my faith a little more each day and tonight I think it finally perished along with all my other hopes and dreams.<BR>Thank you all for everything and GOD bless you.<BR>Lone_Knight.

<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum25/HTML/000596.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum25/HTML/000596.html</A> <P>Father, wrap your arms around this child and let him feel the strength of your love, let him rest beneath your wing and recount the promises that you have kept to him and will continue to keep. Let him feel renewed and renergized in the smallest things around him, a bird singing, a flower blooming in a crack of the sidewalk, the touch of his child. IJN, Amen

Dear Father,<P>Like a boat out on the ocean, a storm is brewing in Lone_Knight's world. The winds of change are howling. The waves of depression and despair are crashing. The boat is swamped. The shore is no where to be found. <P>Like Peter who when he took his eyes off of Jesus, he began to sink, help Lone_Knight to take his eyes off the storm and put them back on You, Father. Restore his faith. Restore his hope. Give him the amount of faith in a mustard seed....so that he can be restored. <P>Work in his situation Lord. Give him Your wisdom to figure out how to handle the things that come his way each day. Bless him Lord and help him find his way....make a way for him. <P>Thank you Lord, that You strengthen us to be able to do all things. Thank that you give us faith to overcome. Thank you for your love and your blood that was shed for us....for our sins....for the victory.<P>Amen.<P><BR><B>"When peach like a river, attendeth my way,<BR>When sorrows like sea billows roll;<BR>Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,<BR>It is well, it is well, with my soul.<P>Though Satan should buffet, tho trials should come,<BR>Let this blest assurance control,<BR>That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,<BR>And hath shed His own blood for my soul.<P>My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!<BR>My sin, not in part, but the whole,<BR>Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,<BR>Praise the Lod, praise the Lord O my soul!<P>It is well, with my soul.<BR>It is well, it is well with my soul."<BR></B><P><I>(While crossing the Atlantic in 1871, all four of Horatios Spafford's daughters died in a collision with another ship. Spafford's wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram "Saved alone." Several weeks later, as Spafford's own ship passed near the spot where his daughters died, the Holy Spirit inspired these words. They speak to the eternal hope that all believers have, no matter what pain and grief befall them on earth.)</I><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited July 27, 2000).]

Dear Father,<P>Like a boat out on the ocean, a storm is brewing in Lone_Knight's world. The winds of change are howling. The waves of depression and despair are crashing. The boat is swamped. The shore is no where to be found. <P>Like Peter who when he took his eyes off of Jesus, he began to sink, help Lone_Knight to take his eyes off the storm and put them back on You, Father. Restore his faith. Restore his hope. Give him the amount of faith in a mustard seed....so that he can be restored. <P>Work in his situation Lord. Give him Your wisdom to figure out how to handle the things that come his way each day. Bless him Lord and help him find his way....make a way for him. <P>Thank you Lord, that You strengthen us to be able to do all things. Thank that you give us faith to overcome. Thank you for your love and your blood that was shed for us....for our sins....for the victory.<P>Amen.<P><BR><B>"When peach like a river, attendeth my way,<BR>When sorrows like sea billows roll;<BR>Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,<BR>It is well, it is well, with my soul.<P>Though Satan should buffet, tho trials should come,<BR>Let this blest assurance control,<BR>That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,<BR>And hath shed His own blood for my soul.<P>My sin, oh, th bliss of this glorious thought!<BR>My sin, not in part, but the whole,<BR>Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,<BR>Praise the Lod, praise the Lord O my soul!<P>It is well, with my soul.<BR>It is well, it is well with my soul."<BR></B><P><I>(While crossing the Atlantic in 1871, all four of Horatios Spafford's daughters died in a collision with another ship. Spafford's wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram "Saved alone." Several weeks later, as Spafford's own ship passed near the spot where his daughters died, the Holy Spirit inspired these words. They speak to the eternal hope that all believers have, no matter what pain and grief befall them on earth.)</I>

HANG IN THERE GUY. TOMORROO IS A NEW DAY. GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING, AND HE DOESN'T ALWAYS GIVE US ANSWERS RIGHT AWAY. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. IVE BEEN THROUGH IT ALL. I ALSO HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET MY HUSBAND TO CHURCH WITH ME FOR 4 YEARS. EVERYTHING WILL GET BETTER. I PROMISE.

Lone Knight,<P>Something that I had to learn was that I was able to be my OWN person! With or without my H or anyone else! I went through 7 months of hell trying to hang on to my marriage. I struggled to survive everyday, and I only suceeded with GOD. I didn't understand why God was allowing this to happen to me. I just couldn't let go of my H. I had always been too dependent on him, and I had always looked to him for my happiness. My H had come to the decision that he wanted to divorce me, and this time I had really accepted it! It was not what I wanted, but I accepted it. <P>I am glad that I did. I finally gave my situation over to the Lord (thought that I had before, but I kept taking it back on myself). I realized finally that I could do nothing, say nothing, that would bring my H back to me. I had tried everything possible at this point and none of it worked! You see...."I" couldn't change anything, nothing! It had to be God! When I let go, the hurt, the pain, the agony left me. Everyday I woke up and gave it to God again(believe me, it's something you need to do everyday!), also I forgave my H everyday! Something YOU need to do! Forgive your wife!<BR>I have always loved my H, but at that time I realized that I didn't need him to be me, I didn't need him for my own happiness. My eyes were opened for the first time and I knew that there was much more for me in life and that I could be happy....happy with WHO I am! God changed ME! For the first time I realized that I too am valuable, that I deserve to be loved, that I was worthy of a good life, that I deserved more!!! My self-esteem grew, my independence grew! I took care of myself and my kids. I didn't worry about my H. When I gave it over to God, actually things got worse for me. I think the devil realized this and he threw every arrow at my H and me that he could! I continued to trust in God! Believe me...a spiritual war was going on, but I knew that with God on my side, I would be fine! <P>Today, My H is home, he has given his life over to God again! He is loving, kind, tender, understanding....all of these things he lost for the longest time! Miracles do happen, but they happen when we stay strong in the Lord! Remember, God knows why we must go through these things. He has a good reason! Praise Him for bringing you through this storm! Praise Him everyday. Praise Him when you fall down! Just don't forget to stand back up and wipe off your knees! God will NOT leave you, even in your darkest hour. God does not want you to live your life in pain. He does have better things in store for you and your wife! Don't doubt HIM! God can change the worst situation into the best, but it happens in HIS time, not ours! Just continue to pray and forgive and praise HIM! He won't let you down!<P>just_me

just_me - your post says it all. AMEN, Praise God! The Lord has a plan for each of us, and His plan is perfect. Once we submit to His will, our hearts will heal. Thank You dear Lord for causing just_me to share her testimony. The Power of the Blood of the Lamb and the Word of our Testimony shall overcome the enemy every time! Praise You Lord, You are almighty, our King, our Savior. I lift up Lone KNight to you Lord, asking Father for an infilling of the Holy Spirit for him. Help this man, dear Lord to see the purpose You have for his life. Guide him Lord down the path that You want him to take. Help Lone Knight to relinquish control of his wife and situation to You. I pray that You will lovingly show him how glad You are to take his burdens and cares off his shoulders. Lord, You are truly our miracle maker. I praise Your holy holy name, now and always. IJN I pray, AMEN

I was served with the divorce papers on friday. My wife is seeking sole custody of our daughter. We talked on the phone friday night and I told her I wanted to heal and one day be the man she could love all over again. She said she would like that too, but in the meantime let her go and let her live. I found so much hope in that statement. I think GOD IS working on us, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I still pray that the divorce will be stopped, I still ache for that miracle, but I still don't know how to fight or not to fight. I want this family to reconcile so badly and I truly believe that GOD wants it too. I just pray that the enemy will be defeated and this divorce ended before it becomes final. IT may not, but there is hope that when she sees I HAVE changed, there is a chance at a re-marriage. I thank all of you for your prayer, encouragement and love. This site has saved my faith and my life more times that I care to admit, but I am truly thankful that GOD uses this site in the way HE does. All of you are tremendous blessings to me. Thank you for all your prayers and please continue to pray for me and my family.<BR>GOD bless you all!<BR>Lone_Knight.<BR>

Dear Lone Knight, you have been on my heart. I am praying that the Lord will show you his love in tangible and clear ways. I have read many of the prayers you have spoken for the people here on this forum (myself included) and your love for the Lord is clear. Your prayers and support have been an awesome blessing for me. I want you to know this. Dear Lord, I ask that you touch Lone Knight and show him your love for him. I ask that you loosen the enemies grip upon his emotions and free him from his depression. Set his chemistry according to your original design and show him that he has a sound mind as you have promised us. Lord, show him tangible blessings and let him know how much you love him. We know you care for us deeply and that our needs and the desires of our hearts are your concern. Meet his financial needs, restore what has been taken from him, and let him be resored emotionally. Please counsel him with your wisdom regarding his decisions in life. Remind him to rest in you, knowing that you are capable of taking care of him. We thank you, Lord, that this depression will be lifted from him by your hand, we thank you Lord, that you will restore to Lone Knight all that you wish to give to this son of the King. Comfort him, counsel him, and provide for him. We thank you, Jesus. IJN Amen

I have tried to give my wife the space shw wants. I was served with divorce papers last friday afternoon. Everything I feel GOD is leading me to do is blowing up in my face. I don't know what ro do anymore. I got a letter from her concerning our joint account where she is being sued for a check she wrote. We are both guilty of messing the account up, but I seem to be the only one who has to pay everything, she says she has no money, and I KNOW I don't have enough to cover my bills and hers too. I called her today and we talked. I told her I would cover the check, and then I made one of the most empassioned expressions of love I could. I told her that I AM changing and I WILL be worth loving again. I told her I would do ANYTHING humanly possible to be everything my family wants and needs. For the first time in months she actual stopped and listened to me. Praise GOD! Then after a silence she said she would honestly consider it, but to be prepared for her answer to be an eternal no, but that she would honestly consider it. I believe with all my heart that GOD is reconciling this marriage and today was the beginning of that miracle. Please continue to pray for this family and help me defeat the devils continued attempts to rip us apart ! I truly believe this is GOD at work, and I pray the miracle of reconciliation has begun.... If I am wrong, then I don't know how to keep praying for strength but I TRULY believe the victory is ours, not just mine, but my wife, my children and most importantly GOD..... Praise the Blessed name of Jesus. Halleluia.<BR>Father in heaven, I praise You and I thank You for all the things You have done to save this marriage, and restore this family. I thank You with my all for everything You have done and I Praise Your mighty name. Father I thank You for all of the prayers from the wonderful people here at this site. Bless each and every soul who has been praying for this family and for our marriage.<BR>Father the war is not over, and we still need Your blessings and Your promises in saving this family and this marriage. Father I kneel before the cross, humbly praying for this marriage, praying for my wife and my children. Father I pray that they will see that I am healing, I AM changing, and will be the best father/husband/friend, that they all want and need. I bow to Your divine will Father and lay my burdens down at Your feet. <BR>Lead this family to each other again and let all of us live for You and then for each other, serving the risen Savior in our daily walks, becomming the rock solid family you have always willed us to be. I ask these things in the blessed name of Jesus, Giving You all the honor, the glory and the praise.<BR>Amen and Amen.<BR>

All the prayers, the hope... the faith....<BR>She still won't talk to me... She gives me more hope that I have ever had when she tells me she will consider letting me come home and then I don't hear from her at all. GOD Your will be done, I can't carry this burden any longer, All of my attempts seem to fall to the ground in shambles. There are times I feel even my prayers are being returned to sender. The doctor has changed my medication for the 4th time yesterday, and I hope maybe THIS one will be the right one, just like I hoped that the other three would be.... Let's see how long it will be before we go to medicine rx number 5. I just feel like the devil is taking more of my life, and my money by going to a doctor and buying medicines that DON'T Work...My job isn't getting any better. We have worked outside in 96+ temperatures, with 90% humidity.I'm isolating myself even further from people. I go to work, go to the store, them comming home and locking the door, not stepping outside until the next morning when I have to go back to work. I'm losing it and can't seem to stop the slide on my own.

Maybe God's message though all this is getting through, that you are trying to do it in your own power rather than in his power and in his time.<P>Hav you done the bible study Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby? <P>If not, I recommend it highly. Throw all your energy there rather than in what you wife does or not does do or say. Relish this opportunity to experience God in a new way, so that out of it, when he does restore your marriage you will have been strengthened as leader in a mighty way. <P>Father, you use all things for our good and your glory. Thank you that you are growing this man. Father, In the name of Jesus, I bind all spirits of strife, anxiety, self-absorbsion, and dispair and I loose all spirits of love, joy, delight, patience, perseverence and epiphany to surround and fill this man's heart and mind. We praise you Father and ask that you use this time for your greater glory. IJN,Amen.<p>[This message has been edited by SueB (edited August 12, 2000).]

Lone Knight, I'm praying for you. I'm going to paste here a note I posted on another thread as it may be helpful to you to: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I want to share a paragraph from a book I read called "How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage" by Erin Thiele:<P>"<B>Intensity of your trials is a sign that you are close to victory.</B> Your trials may intensify when you are close to gaining the victory. "For this reason, rejoice, O heavens and you who dwell in them. Woe to the earth and the sea, because the devil has come down to you, having great wrath, knowing that he has only a short time. Rev. 12:12"<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>There are times I feel even my prayers are being returned to sender<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>They may be, or the Lord may be saying to you "WAIT ON ME". LN, when my husband went to CA to work last May, I was completely distraught, could not understand how God would allow this to happen to us, we had gotten so far in our restoration. I could not see what good would come out of him working 2,000 miles away for so long. What I have come to realize that what the enemy had meant for evil, the Lord turns to good for His glory and honor! My husband has only been home less than 3 weeks since the first of May. It has been agony for me at times, however I truly believe the Lord is working in his life out there, and I have faith in Him for the things unseen. He gives me glimpses of His work in little things, i,e., my husband has an extremely foul mouth - cusses all the time. In the last few weeks, when we talk, his voice is kinder, and the cussing is rare. PTL!!! Only God could do that. One night he told me that he talks to the Lord in the mornings! So, don't give up dear brother, your Heavenly Father is working even if you don't see evidence of His work. The Lord has great plans for you. Keep crying out to Him; he will never leave you or forsake you.<P>Lord, thank You for Lone Knight's presence here, he has given others hope by the beautiful prayers he prays for them. I praise You Lord for your saving grace, and the mercy You have shown us. Father, Lone Knight's heart is breaking so over the destruction the enemy has caused. Please turn what the enemy meant for evil to good for Your glory. Thank You Lord for the deep love LN has for his wife and his commitment to his marriage. Help him stand in the gap for his wife, for the duration. Give him a glimpse of Your work so that he will be encouraged. Thank You Father, for holding him up, protecting him and providing for him in everything. I pray that the Holy Spirit's call on his wife is accepted by her, and she turns back to You soon Father. IJN I pray AMEN<BR>

Lone-Knight how are you doing? Remember God will see you through this. My prayers are with you. REMEMBER your prayers have seen me through alot of hard times. You are a good person.

tigger;<BR>Thank you for your post. To answer your question, it seems that the harder I pray, the more I throw mywelf into the will of GOD, the worse things become. My wife says there is absolutely no way possible that we will ever be reconciled. I'm to the point where hope is a dream, and faith is something of a myth or ancient tall tale that is passed sown as legend. My depression has such a grip on my life, that I don't go anywhere anymore. I go to church on Sunday, Sunday night, where I play bass guitar for the praise band. I go Wednesday night to rehearsals. I don't even enjoy playing anymore. It's just mechanical, I just play the notes, but I don't even feel passion for music anymore. Other than that, I get up each day, go to work, stop by the store on the way home, if I need anything, and come home, lock the door and sit here.<BR>I don't know if I believe GOD is working on our marriage, I feel that HE knows I will be forever lost and that I could not be what HE wants me to be, so HE isn't doing anything to change the situations present in my life. I am reading the scriptures, listening to every pastor I can find and praying every single day, but it all seems to no avail. I'm reading every delf help book on depression I can find, still seeing my christian counselor, and my psychologisr who has changed my anti-depressant medication for the 4th time. The harder I try to climb out of this pit, the deeper it gets and the steeper the walls get. I can't take this anymore. Knowing, or believing GOD was building this family back together and then the bottom just dropping out each time..... I don't want anyone else but my wife, she says it's eternally over, so I just don't know what to do, where to go or how to be.<BR>As the title of this thread is titled, I feel completely, totally, irreversably defeated. Praise GOD for the lesson in failure and pain.<BR>thank you for being here, praying for us and your kind words of encouragement and support.<BR>AW, as always you are a dear also. Thank you for everything. Your pryers, your links to scripture and your encouragement. I wish I had better news to give you, but I don't.<BR>SueB Thank you for everything as well. I thank you for your words and your prayers.<P>And to everyone else I have failed to mention. Thank you for everything. I love you all In Christ. You have become my extended family. GOD bless each and every one of you and everyone will always be in my prayers.<BR>With love in Christ to you all<BR>Lone_Knight<BR>Jim<BR>

How long has this been going on the seperation and everything? My divorce papers have been filled for 6 months and H is just know coming around by the grace of God. I sat in church today and cried during most of it. I am lucky that I have a supportive church.<P>Michelle

Dear Lone Knight, I have been lurking on the sight a little, but I have not had a lot of time to post. I think of you often and believe that God has laid you on my heart. From reading the responses to your postings, I believe that God has laid your pain on the hearts of others as well. I would like to be able to say something that would encourage you, but I am unsure what to say other than I know God loves you and wants you to have a life that is abundant. I have posted to you before and told you that I spent several years in the same situation you are now in (or at least a very similar situation). It seemed as though many of my prayers were not heard, that perhaps I was doing something displeasing to God and that they would never be answered. In hindsight, I see that God was working in my situation all along (and he still is). I believe that you will be able to see that you were not alone, that he was right there and working on your behalf. I have mentioned that my H has a bipolar disorder and part of this disorder is exhibited in periods of depression. He has not yet turned his heart to the Lord and he is not seeking the Lord's help, but I believe that God can heal my H. I also know that this will come in his perfect time. Yours will also. The positive for you is that you are seeking the Lord's help in your life. I will continue to pray for you. Father, nothing we bring before you is unknown to you. You know our thoughts, our desires, our needs, and our pain. We ask, IJN, that you would heal Lone Knight of this depression. We know that you can do this with even the simple and short request made to you. We believe that you want Lone Knight to live a life that is abundant, full of love, joy, and peace. We know, Father, that you have the best plans for our lives. You tell us that you will give us what we ask when we ask believing that it is done in your precious son's name. I ask this for Lone Knight. I ask that the enemy's attack on Lone Knight be fought by you. I ask that the destructive and discouraging thoughts the enemy gives to LK be bound, silenced and that your promises be reinforced upon his heart and that these promises would become a part of LK's thought process. We praise you that you love us, give us mercy, and let us come to your throne and seek all that we need. We thank you for seeing LK through all of this and let your promise to keep LK safe from all of this would be etched upon his thoughts, morning and night. Amen

I was served with a summons for the divorce. My wife is seeking SOLE custody of our daughter, knowing full well I can't afford to retain the services of a litigator to fight the divorce decree. I contacted attorneys today praying that I would be able to find one that would represent me, accepting payments as I could afford to make them and was unsuccessful. They want a minimun of 1000.00 up front. I contacted legal aid, which is supposed to be a fee based upon income service. They told me that my wife had already contacted them and even though she didn't use them, they can't represent me because of Kentucky State Law saying the attorney can't "jump the fence" so to speak in ANY case. So The only options I have are to give up and let her have full custody which I DON'T WANT, or pray that somehow GOD will stop this insanity and bring this family together before it's too late. I can't get the funds required to hire ANY attorney. I am honestly defeated at EVERY turn. I can't take not having joint custody of my daughter I love her, she needs me and I need her. GOD WHERE ARE YOU?????<BR>

Dear Lone Knight,<P>Your despair breaks my heart. I have read through this thread and, in doing so, a thought comes to mind. <P>I don't want my words to seem harsh, and I can totally relate to what you're going though (my H wants a divorce, I don't), but maybe God is asking you to completely give over your grief to Him -- all of it -- your despair, your broken heart, your anguish and your torment. When we try to hold on to it, we are not allowing Him to be in control. I know it's hard -- I'm dealing with it, too. On the other side of complete surrender to his perfect will, you may find some peace. You may feel that you have given everything over to Him already -- I havn't read ALL your posts, so there are certainly things I don't know about you. But it's worth examining. <P>In Psalms 46, God tells us to "Be still, and know that I am God." We know not what his plan is when we are dealing with tremendous heartache. Psalm 147:11 says, "The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love." <P>I am going through this "surrender" myself so I know it's not easy. But His path is the only true path -- stay the course with Him and he will carry you through even this.<P>Our Lord God, I pray for Lone Knight, that his heart would know your divine comfort. Help him to focus all his energy on You, allowing You to bring about your perfect plan for his life. Ease his pain and give him rest. Show him how to give up all his burdens to You that he would know the fullest measure of your grace, peace and mercy.<P>In our Lord Jesus' blessed Name, Amen<P>Lone Knight, God is with you, trust Him with your whole heart.<P>God Bless, KristyAnn<p>[This message has been edited by KristyAnn (edited August 15, 2000).]

Kristy Ann is so right. Amen