I do not know where to turn, how to fell, or how to be any longer. My wife will file for divorce either tomorrow (Friday July 14th) or Monday. Despite all the prayers, the pleading with her to consider marriage counseling, she is determined to file. I still pray, but now feel all my prayers are in vain. GOD has plans for me, and has begin to open them up before my eyes. My wife is an integral part of my healing, and HE has laid out the career, not the job, but the career HE wants me to have. My wife and I are to be reconciled and happy, but until she stops fighting HIM, it will never come to pass. So I feel completely defeated and alone. I still need prayers, maybe now more so than ever, but I also know that each of you have your own problems to deal with. I pray for each of you daily and I thank GOD every single day for this site. You have ALL been such a tremendous blessing to me and I love each one of you. I don't know where else to turn and I have finally decided to just give up and let GOD do whatever it is HE is planning to do, and hope that I have the patience and the strength left to wait and then fight when HE says it's time. At this point I don't feel I will be able to. <BR>Again, thank you all for everything<BR>Lone_Knight.<BR>

1 Cor 15: "But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?"<P>LN, you are doing so well whether you realize it or not. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have finally decided to just give up and let GOD do whatever it is HE is planning to do<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Let Him take care of it and remember that as long as your wife keeps her face turned away from the Lord, strife and discord will be rampant in her life. God knows what is best for you, let Him lead you. I know it is hard as I am struggling with the same thing right now. My H has done an about-face and took off for CA again.... I cried my heart out at the airport gate and he still got on the plane and left. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and in church lately. My H now is at the foot of the cross where I left him. The Lord is going to take care of me.<P>Thank You dear Heavenly Father for the work you are doing in Lone Knight's life. I praise You Lord and give all glory and honor to You. Lord, help us to seek you more, making You the desire of our hearts. Lord, show us how to have Your will become our will. Thank You Jesus for caring so deeply. Lord, I pray that You will go to Lone Knight and comfort him, even as he sleeps. I pray that the Holy Spirit will overwhelm Lone Knight's wife, bringing her to total repentance. Help this family to stay intact Lord. In the name of our precious Lord Jesus I pray, AMEN

Amen.

She filed for divorce on Friday. The beginning of the end.<BR>thank you all for your prayers.<BR>Lone_Knight.

Dear Lone Knight: I wanted to let you know you are in my prayers. Your situation is NOT HOPELESS because you have a defender that is fully capable of restoring your life to you and giving you great joy. My heart goes out to you as you are where I was several years ago. It did not seem as though things could get any worse between my H and I. You have prayed for me here on this board and you know that I am still facing my trials, but things are far more hopeful now. Lord, I lift Lone Knight up to you. Father, I ask that you comfort him and speak encoragement to his heart. Show him the steps that you would have him take, each day and lead him in the plan that you have for his life. We thank you for Lone Knight, for his love for you and Father we thank you that you can heal Lone Knight of every hurt and disappointment. We acknowledge that your plan for Lone Knight is glorious and filled with blessings, peace, hope and great joy. We thank you that you will keep Lone Knight in your care and renew his spirit within him. IJN, Amen. Lone Knight, I have read the Psalms and they always speak to me. The promises are great and David very eloquently speaks about discouragement. We know that God saw him through and brough many blessings into his life. The part I like the best about David's story is that he was an imperfect person, but an imperfect person who loved God. You love God too,and God will see you through. I will keep praying for you.

My wife called and left two messages today, both of them so hateful. I thank each and everyone of you for all your words of encouragement and prayers. She DID file for divorce and has NO plans of ever allowing me back into her life.<BR>As for me, I have decided to answer GOD's call and follow the path to the career HE has chosen for me. And I am trying to get on with my life, but there isn't one. And GOD tells me to hold on and that he is bringing everything back. I must go back to college, starting from the beginning and obtain a Masters degree in counseling and then become a licensed family, individual, and marriage counselor. I will live, I will be empty inside, but I will press forward, still believing GOD hates me, and He is lying to me about the promises to just keep going, or maybe I am crazy and all of this is a lie..... Maybe I have lost my mind. I really do hope that my life will be blessed, but at the moment I feel my life is crashing before my eyes and there is nothing, nor no one that can stop it. <BR>Thank you all for your paryers, your voices of encouragement, and your gifts of hope and love. You have all been my life line, and for that I shall be eternally grateful.<BR>Lone_Knight.<BR>

Dear Lone Knight, I have been following your posts for awhile now and wanted to let you know that I can empathize with the despair and depression that you are feeling. Although my situation is a bit different (H did not leave or file for divorce - we are in recovery), the emotions that I experienced are still fresh in my mind and heart. My husband and I have prayed for you and your family. <P>I received an e-mail from a marriage restoration site last week that was very encouraging to me. I saved it with the intention of forwarding it on to you, but must admit that I am not very computer literate. As soon as my husband gets back in town from his business trip at the end of this week, I am going to forward the message on to you (I need him to show me what to do to copy it and send it. <P>I have always been a very impatient person, and during our marriage crisis, God used that time to teach me about waiting and trusting in Him. Hang in there, God is working even though nothing seems to be happening.<P>Thanks for your prayers for me concerning my weight issues. That means alot.<P>Susan

Dear Lone Knight: I wanted to remind you that each and every one of us have felt defeated (and still do from time to time). God does love you, he does have blessings planned for you. Remind yourself that the refining process is painful, but worth the journey. One thing I do know, God loves you and does not see you as a failure, defeated, or any other negative lie as told to you by the enemy. I will continue praying for you, that you would KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT GOD HAS GOOD THINGS FOR YOU.

LOne knight<P>MY H is hateful to me every time he takes with me and is with OW If he is by himself he is ok. Keep God in your life and he will keep you strong.

Lone Knight,<P>Just want to say a couple of things....<P>First of all....Your wife is angry....that means that she still cares for you! If she didn't care then she would have no reason to be angry or feel anything towards you. That is something! When they don't feel anything-that's when we need to worry!<P>Second....GOD will not let you down! Whatever the outcome of your marriage, you will be ok! Just realize that God has something better in store for you, and sometimes he allows us to be in situations that hurt or seem terrible, but just know in your heart that something good is just around the corner. I know that you may not believe this now, but...God knows what the outcome will be already! He knows what his plans are. When those who love God and have to suffer, that is the time when we should praise God the most (as hard as that is) because when your suffering is over, JOY will be there! We never know what God's plans are or the reasons why things like this happen! We must have faith in God, and He will take care of us! Believe that! I pray that God will comfort you and bring you peace through all of this. He will take the hurt for you if you let him! I know this!<P>Even though my trials are still going on, God is in control, and he has taken care of me. He has given me the strength and wisdom of understanding that I have needed for so long, but would not have gotten if everything I've gone through had been so easy! I would have never learned what I have without suffering, without pain! I am thankful to God for the person that He has made me to be! My marriage may not succeed, but I am glad to be the person that I am today......putting God first! That is what he has wanted me to do all along! That is a very hard lesson to learn. I know that i'm not perfect, but God has touched me in a way that has changed who I am inside! Today I am a different person than I was a year ago. I am thankful to be me! For the first time since I was a child, I like WHO I am! God will never leave us nor forsake us!

just-me,<BR>Your post to Lone Knight really helped me. I agree with everything you said.... especially about <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>putting God first! That is what he has wanted me to do all along! That is a very hard lesson to learn. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yes, a VERY hard lession. I have been a Christian for over 20 years, but it has taken the near breakup of my marriage to the love of my life and watching my dh drink himself closer to the grave every day to get me to see that Jesus HAS to come first, no matter what. I cannot do anything or say anything that will change him. Only the hand of God can change him, and he can be changed in an instant! <P>But you are right. Letting go and letting God will work out so much better than we can ever imagine in the long run, because His plans are perfect, and He wants the very best for us. The best way I've found to get those feelings of depression, anxiety, fear gone is to sing praise songs to the Lord. Those feelings just lift away when I start praising God. He loves us so much, it so humbling because I know I sure don't deserve it. There are so many things I should be doing to serve Him and don't but He still loves me anyway. What an AWESOME God we serve.<P>Blessings,<BR>AW

Lone knight how are you doing? My prayers are with you.

Dear tigger;<BR>Where do I begin? Both my wifes finances and my finances are a disaster. I opened my own individual checking account a couple of weeks ago to protect myself. She told me she was going to put her check in the bank to cover what we had written and to give me money to survive on. Tonight she called me telling me she is getting bad check noticed on our account that I haven't written any checks on in weeks. She took our daughter to my moms tonight, like she does every week, and told my mother that she doesn't have any money, her rent check bounced and my daughter is suffering and it's all my fault because I didn't put my paychecks in the joint account. An account that SHE still has the checkbook to and account that I have mac card to, but the only checks I wrote she knew about, all the witdrawals I made, she knew about. She spent all of her money ont he deposit for her new house, utilities deposits and her new life. and I'm just supposed to put my money in the joint account for her to spend. She has two people living with her that I THOUGHT were supposed to go half on everything... looks to me like she just adopted them telling them I would be everyones meal ticket. the stupid thing is, I will still take her back I still want this marriage to work. Everyone thinks I am insane..... except GOD. But Ic an't take this anymore. I can't do anything right. No matter how I try to change, try to just let go it all gets dumped in my lap,and I still love this woman with all my heart and soul. I still want our family to be together, but according to her, if we DO get back together her son will run away because he hates me so very much.... If GOD is working to bring this family back together, it sure doesnt' seem that way. HE still tells me to hold on and believe, but everything I do or don't do, just drives a wedge all that much further between her and I, making it impossible to repair any of this disaster.<BR>I'm at my wits end and GOD is the ONLY person who can fix this, but HE isn't, and I don't believe HE wants to or will.... I am truly, totally, and completely defeated with NO WAY to win. It's impossible to bind this family in love and to BE A family again..... just simply impossible.<BR>

On an additional note, I received my copy of the petition for divorce, but I didn't sign the paper, because I haven't seen the actual motion. I told her I wasn't signing anything until I got my copy and read the allegations. It also said that I believe the marriage is unrepairable, which I don't believe. But that's what she wants, I guess I have to give it to her.<BR>Lone_Knight<BR>

Lone Knight,<P>Stand firm, and afterthat, stand firm. Wait on the Lord, He will deliver. <P>I have remained as distant as I can re divorce. H's attorney filed week of June19. I have yet to be served. I will not have to sign anything, and D will be final in 60 days from filing. So---although he has now agreed that we both need counseling, he wants to let divorce run its course. Then start over with a healthy relationship. I want it to be with us together; he refers to the possibility that we may not wish to be together after counseling. I am still leaving it in God's hands. I read Psalms and Prov. every night. <BR>They help me stay focused on God, and help me live this life. Tonight he feels quite 'lied to' by all women. He has lost trust, the OW seems to be through with him at this point.<P>I guess what I am trying to say, is don't give up praying, stay in the Bible, when you can, get book from Harley, and the one for men from restorem.org. Many have divorced and then returned to have better marriages than ever. restorem.org has many testimonies of restoration which I devoured early in my stand.<P>I know you feel hopeless. That's good. God can work with us then. I am praying for you.<P>Committed

Hi Lone-Knight,<P>Hopefully your Monday is making a good start for the week ahead. Finances in shambles so are mine. My H has put 30,000-40,000 on credit cards since March, 2,000-3,000 in bad checks. I am lucky my name isnt on anything. We will be filling for banckrupcy, me because of a second mortage(taken out to over his sending)and our blazer is being reposesed. I cant make the payments on my own. We barrowed 25,000 from my grandma in Oct to pay off his debt again and he has done it again. As AW posted to me a person who committs adultry losses their life. I feel my husbands has lost his financially and by losing his son)just seeing him every other weekend). Stay srong and God will provide for you. I know all to well, H is behind on child support, but my bills are still getting paid, beacuse God is helping to make sure we are ok. Keep your chin up and stay srong and believe that God will provide for you.<P>I will keep you in my prayers<P>Thought maybe if you heard about someone elses financies you would relize your not alone that always make ne feel better.<P>Michelle

Dear Lone_Knight,<P>I know exactly how you feel. Last Friday, I was ready to go....I mean go....the big GO. I could not see a way forward. I still can't. <B>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004132.html</B><P>I too cannot see any way that my situation can be fixed. None. And it fills me with dispair. Just the pain I'm feeling, my H is feeling...all of it. The amount of change in our hearts that would have to take place for use to get back together seems insurrmountable. I just don't see a way thru it. <P>But the guys on this board save my life on Friday. And I mean that literally. I printed out their responses and read them thru-out the weekend. I feel better today. I have a little hope. In what? Not in the situation. Not in the circumstances. Not even in knowing that God can fix it all.<P>The only small bit of hope I have is in.... God...just Him. He will not give up on me and he will not leave me. He began a good work in me and will complete it.....even if I can't see it or have no comprehension of it coming forth in my life right now.<P>We all say the same thing...."I just finally turned it over to God" when all along that's what He wanted to start with!! Do like AW said and leave your wife at the foot of the cross. That's where my H is. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do to change the situation....I am doing all I can. And who knows....if all of our spouses are at the foot of the cross, maybe they'll all get zapped at the same time!! <P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am truly, totally, and completely defeated with NO WAY to win. It's impossible to bind this family in love and to BE A family again..... just simply impossible.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>"I am the LORD, the GOD of all mankind. Is ANYTHING too hard for me?" (Jeremiah 32.27)<P>That has become one of my favorite verses these days. His ways are not our ways and His timing is not our timing. It's as hard for me to believe as it is for you, but God said it. <P>Hang in there....please don't give up. Rest in the Lord....ask Him for His wisdom when the situations come up that you have to deal with. Tell him how you feel....that you don't know who you are anymore or even how to pray. His Spirit will help you pray and give you strength.<P>We love you and I'm praying for you.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>

tigger, Mrs. O, I thank you both for your words of encouragement. I thank GOD for both of you and all the other wonderful people that have shared their testimonies and prayers with me since I have been comming here. I am so wrapped up in a depression that has been with me since childhood. I am not certain when it began, but my counselor and I have traced it back as far as the age of 8, and perhaps earlier. I am so accustomed to the negative being more realistic than the positive, rather the negative is more readily accepted in my mind that all the collective positives in my life time. I have not learned how to stop this self destructive behaviour, and it was the primary reason my marriage has ended. I find myself at this point, stripped of all hope, holding on to what seems to be an infantesimal inkling of faith which also seems to be leaving my thoughts and dreams. I still pray daily, and read scripture daily, but my mind is so wrapped up in fixing, changing everything at once, that it's on overload. I'm now to the point that I feel nothing more than numb, void of all rational thought or emotion. The only time I feel joy is the time I spend with my daughter on the weekends. She is such a joy in my heart. But even when she is here, there are times I have to fake being happy, which is not at all fair to her. I am becomming an unfeeling, uncaring soul who has simply given up on hopes, dreams, miracles and everything I thought i believed. It all seems so pointless to me now. My faith was so strong a couple of weeks ago, now I can't find anything to restore it. I want to feel GOD's presence in my life so very badly that I am most likely overlooking HIM. But it's something I haven't learned to feel as I used to as a child and teenager. I don't feel HIS love, or even HIS presence in my life, no matter how hard I try to, how hard I pray, nor how diligently I seek HIM and strive to live for HIM. I don't know how to just surrender it all and then not feel compelled to take it back from the foor of the cross. My depression is slowly and literally turning me into a person who is isolating himself from everything and everyone who brings him love, comfort and joy. I don't go out of the house except to go to work and the errands I HAVE to do. And then on Saturday mornings when I pick my daughter up for the weekend. She stays saturday night and then goes to church with me on Sunday mornings, going back to her mom Sunday afternoon. I am playing bass guitar in the church praise band, and I feel like I am being selfish and not truly using my talent for HIS glory, I'm just playing the notes and being a part of the band to forget about me for a while... There isn't even any joy in playing anymore, and I used to adore playing, writing music, singing, and anything associated with music.<BR>But there is no joy even in my passion for music. Just notes, just music that sounds mechanical and not filled with the expressions my soul can produce through a guitar, bass, or piano/keyboard. I am lost and I can't fight the darkess to see my way out no matter how desperately I beg for help. People offer advice, that is wise, but I can't seem to follow it daily as I know I should, but when I build myself up, the least little thing that is negative detroys all the work, all the affirmations that have elevated me to a level of joy and happiness. I just don't know what to do that I can make myself to do heal.<BR>Thank you all for your prayers and please continue to pray for us, for healing, for reconciliation, for our finances to be straightened out, and for us to run to GOD loving HIM, Working for HIM and then for each other.<BR>GOD bless you all !<BR>Lone_Knight<BR>

Lone_Knight,<P>Are you on anti-depressants? If not, you probably should be. And if they aren't working, you need to talk to you counselor about getting on a higher dosage or switch to another one. That should help the depression. I've had low-level depression almost my whole life (as have two of my brothers and my Dad). I've been on a mild anti-depressant for over 2 years and it has helped my "blues" tremendously. I think of it like a vitamin.<P>I do feel exactly as you do. It all seems pointless to me right now. I don't even know for sure most days if God is even real. Are the things in the Bible just really neat, inspirational messages, or real truths to grab ahold of. But I try, try, try not to COUNT on my feelings. They are so fickle. <P>I too feel that my personality (my negative, harsh side) is what hurt and drove my H away. And it too fills me with deep, deep despair. And it's true to a certain extent, but he had a part in it all too, as well as his reaction...an affair. That had nothing to do with me...that was all his choice. He could have drug me kicking and screaming to a counselor to solve our problems...he didn't....he bottled them up and let the affair blow off the cork!<P>Please, please don't give up. Give God time. I know it feels like time is just dragging and why would God need that much time to fix thinge? We don't know. We can just trust that He is working in us and in our spouse. <P>You talked about the plan God has shown you for your life. Let Him work out the details. Don't run ahead of him. To be a truly good counselor, you need to have an extraordinary amount of patience.....maybe that's what God wants YOU to learn during this time. Be patient until you can do nothing else....then be more patient. <P>I sense in your posts that you just feel like you are a top all wound up and ready to spin away....but something is stopping you. Maybe, just maybe, that's God. When we run out and try to make God's plans happen, we are in for alot more problems. (Example: Abraham and Sarah....God promised them a child, but they thought it was taking way too long and the odds were way against them 'cause of their age, so they took matters into their own hands.....You know the story....hence, the Middle East mess!!)<P>I may be way off base here, but I do the same things....try to fix things....try to KNOW how God wants it fixed and try to do it. We can't know....we CAN'T know....how God is going to fix things in our lives until HE does it. And when He does it, it will be done right.<P>I don't know if this helps, but I will continue to pray for you today. REST. Rest in the Lord and any time you feel anxious or frustrated, etc. STOP yourself and REST.<P>God bless you.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited July 25, 2000).]

Lone-Knight,<P><BR>How are you? I am concerned about you. I hope God has touched you and made you feel more at ease. I went 4 weeks without speaking to H. 3,2, and so on H called on Mon and last night. I didnt speak to him last night I do not want him to think Im waiting around for his calls, plus I was relazing in a very warm bath. <P>My prayers are with you.