I don't know where to turn anymore. I am so discouraged and depressed. I can't seem to get out of it. I cry myself to sleep everynight...not crying....bawling from my gut.<P>I am so ashamed to admit, but last night I almost ended my life. I feel such shame to be saying this, but I did. I went into the bathroom and found a razor and just sat there looking at it. If it wasn't for my cat scratching at the door, I would have done it. <P>What's happening to me?<P>I cry out for the Lord, but I hear NOTHING. <P>WHERE IS HE????!!!!???? Why doesn't he help me?<P>I try to read my Bible and pray, but all I end up doing is crying my guts out.<P>I haven't eaten anything worth mentioning for a couple of days....food taste like dirt in my mouth.<P>I'm afraid to go home because it's the same old story...alone, no hope, no future, all my dreams gone. And my H is mad at me for getting our home. It hurts me so bad.<P>I walk around like a zombie. At work, I just keep busy.<P>I want to call a counselor, but there just gonna tell me to forget my H and move on with life. <P>I don't know how to do that....it feels like they are asking me to physical cut my heart out and lay it on the shelf.<P>I was supposed to talk to S. Harley yesterday, but something happened on there ene and it fell thru. He wasn't there when I tried calling.<P>I don't really know why I'm writing here, but I have to get this out somehow...maybe it'll help me to think about something else.<P>Sorry to be so down for so long. Please, if you think God will listen, pray for me. <P>

What is your circumstances??<P>Did you post your story somewhere here for advice???<P>Please call a crisis center or a counsoler to get yourself some immediate help to calm down. Maybe an antidepressant.<P>Do not harm yourself. Call a friend. <P>My H left us 2 fridays ago. I have been in constant motion, talking on the phone, having people over or going to other peoples homes to visit. I have not been alone. I have a D as well.<P>Pray and ask people to pray for you as well. God will answer you. You may not be hearing him yet.

I posted my story somewhere, but don't know where it is right now...<P>My H of 11 years, started an affair last November (which I found out about the day after it happened) and is continuing in it even now. (we don't have kids).<P>He moved out in January and is living with the OW. He says he's not coming back and that I need to figure out a way to get thru this and move one. We haven't made any other changes in our finances, etc. at all. He wants to be my friend.<P>I've been on Plan A since March. He thinks it's just fine and dandy...gets his mistress and gets his old buddy, me.<P>I feel apart when this all happened, but was slowly picking up the pieces and moving on...or at least moving....still hoping. But in the past month, I am falling apart...can't eat, sleep, crying all the time, etc. It's getting worse. I know I should call a counselor, but they'll just tell me "you'll get thru this...you're strong...blah, blah, blah" ....that's what the counselor I went to in November-February said. She told me basically move on without him....that he sounded selfish and that I didn't need him. That's when I dropped her.<P>Well, I'm NOT getting thru this! And I've been a Christian all my life....where is GOD!?!? I'm desperately seeking him...how come I'm not hearing him?<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited August 22, 2000).]

Mrs O;<BR>Your story is extremely similar to mine, with only a few subtle differences. I to almost ended my life and I too feel exactly the same as you do. I would be happy to talk with you, via this message board, or you may call me at my home anytime day or night. You are not aloneand GOD is truly there for you, and if you want to talk to someone who knows exactly what you are feeling, again, I would be more than happy to talk with you. Yes I am seeing a counselor, a Christian counselor and I am also seeing a psychologist. Both of which tell me to give her up and go on with my life. But I am here to tell you that is NOT what GOD wants and GOD is bigger than the most monumental problems we face every single day. GOD tells me to hold on and fight, yet in spite of everything I do, or do not do, I am more and more defeated every single day. Yet in spite of the defeat, depsite the hoplessness, GOD is always there, and so are the most wonderful christian people I have ever had the pleasure of being priveledged to sharing our lives here on this site. Trust in them Mrs. O, trust in me. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about putting a bullet in my brain, but there are reasons not to. I force myself to remember them every morning when I awake. I am still alive and so are you because GOD willed it to be. It took an event as seemingly infantesimally tiny, such as a cat scratching at the door. For Almighty GOD to get your attention and you are still alive. in the stillness of a whisper, GOD reached your heart my friend.<BR>Dear Heavenly Father Mrs. O is hurting tremendously. Words are not enough to describe the pain she feels. Almighty GOD, I stand in the Gap as an intercessor for Mrs. O and I COMMAND the demons of depression and the minions of suicide to flee in the name of Jesus. Father, YOUR word proclaims that at the very mention of the name of Jesus, the devil MUST flee, Do NOT let YOUR WORD return null and void in this womans life. Father I Claim the power of the Holy Spirit to touch her heart and give her a power filled touch of YOUR Love, Your Grace, and Your healing. Father, in the name of Jesus I pray that YOU will release the angels you have standing by for her,have them to watch over her, guide her, protect her and show her YOUR love and YOUR Mercy. Father, I pray that YOU will fill her heart, mind and soul with the LOVE of GOD and the peace and comfort of knowing that YOU are walking with her in this time of great unrest. Heal her Father, help her to overcome this depression, they way YOU help me every single day. Walk with her, Speak to her through her thoughts and her heart. Comfort her with friends who will not critcize, but will uplift. DO not send her friends like that of Job, rather send her friends that will hold her up to YOU, Almighty GOD and stand in the gap in her darkest times. Father, these things I ask for and claim in the Powerful and blessed name of The Holy Lamb of GOD, The RISEN Saviour, Our Lord Jesus Chsrit. In HIS name I pray.<BR>Amen and Amen.<BR>

Dear I Believe and Lone Knight,<P>Thanks for your responses. I appreciate your willingness to comment and help. Thanks too for the offer to talk on the phone. <P>The thing is I have people I could call...but they all say the same thing: "It's time to move on. You need to let go and get on with your life. You are suffereing too much..you have to go on."<P>I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!!! That's the problem...there is not life ahead for me. And even if there was, how can I give him up??? It's ripping me apart. My H was supposed to stay with me....he PROMISED!!! He took the cowards way out and now says he'll NEVER come home. He says he CAN'T live with me. It hurts so bad.<P>Thanks for your prayers. I want to believe in God, but He doesn't seem to be there for me....why can't I feel Him?<P><BR>

Mrs. O......<P>I don't know what to say, I am not trained in the arts of counseling, and what to do, except I can tell you I too have suffered the pain of having the love of my life walk away from me. I can tell you a few things I do know....<P>Your life is the most precious gift you have received from God. You must preserve that life and learn to live it to your fullest potential. You may hurt, but ending your life is a waste, and a cop out. All it does is hurt everbody else who cares about you. Being a christian you should know that suicide is a mortal sin, and those who commit suicide are barred from heaven. And lastly, from me to you, NOBODY is worth killing yourself over. You only get one shot at life. You have a purpose, you just do not know what it is yet. <P>I have recently started attending church again for the 1st time in years, with my wife. I am starting to realize that God works in mysterious ways. But you have to be open, and ask Him what to do. It may not make sense yet, but one day, you will realize what His plan is for you. Sometimes His plan is right in the middle of the forest you are in, but you can't see it because there are so many darn trees in your way! <P>I know times are bleak, and when my wife was physically with the OM, I would be a liar to say that I didn't think of suicide, homicide, every "Ide" there is. But those thoughts were fleeting, because I have been to a christian counselor who helped me realize that I am ok. I am strong. I am not a bad person, or an ugly person. I may have unknowingly contributed to my wife's affair by not meeting some of her needs, BUT I did not know that, she did not tell me. I was NOT responsible for the choices she made. Just as YOU are not responsible for the choices your H has made. Once I realized that I am a good and desireable person, it made me strong, and helped me stay in the relationship, fighting for it, because I CHOSE to. But it also gave me the strength to know I can walk away from it if I have to, and my world will not end. It suer felt like it though.<P>We have shown much progress lately, especially since we started attending church together. I have put my trust in a higher authority, and pray that my wife makes it back to me and we recover from this. <P>Look for the signs, God reveals all in His own time. I wish I could help you more, but I am just another hurting soul. But I NEVER give up HOPE. When all else is gone, Hope remains. Expect the worst, hope for the best....<P>You will ALWAYS have friends and support on this page. Please do not ever think of killing yourself again. I have never met you and my heart cries out to you. If it would hurt me to find out you ended your life it, imagine what people who relly know you would think.<P>Please try to find another christian counselor. You need to talk to somebody. You need some real hugs. {{{{{Mrs. O}}}}} (Best I can do)<P>Your friend in the same mess,<P>SS4N

I'm not telling you to move on with your life without your husband. I don't want to go through life without my wife, and I truly believe GOD will help us find our way back to each other. I wasn't offering to talk with you to tell you to let him go. Let's deal with one issue at a time. We are so much alike and I think the things I have learned will help you and remind me of the things we HAVE to do to keep strong and hold onto the faith that GOD is healing our marriages. The offer still stands if you wish to talk to someone who knows how you feel about a lot of these issues.<BR>Jim<BR>

Mrs. O, <P>How are you this morning? <P>I had a confusing moment with my H last night again. He still can not talk in a straight line. I just deal with it one day at a time. I cried when he left again. Today I am having a hard time to focus and I just am not as positive. I am very tired and that is not helping.<P>I have been told that I have to "Let Go" and go on with my life also. I have to become a stonger person and show him that I will be ok with or with out him. I am doing that. But I am not giving up on our marriage. I am not giving up hope. I believe we have a strong enough foundation that it will carry us through this. We had a good marriage. I have to just wait until God can show him clearly that I am here for him and that what we had is worth fighting for. Part of letting go is to stand back and let God do his work on your H. I am trying to find this point. It is very hard to let go completely because how do I let him know I am here for him. I am trying to find the line on this as well.<P>My H thinks that we (myself and D) should just be fine with this. He does not see what he is doing to us or if he does he is ignoring it. We are not fine and need him home with us. I have a while to go til I am anywhere near that possibility.<P>Mrs. O , please respond so we know how you are this morning. <P>

Good morning. I'm here. I was having a really baaaaaad day yesterday....I think the thing with the razor really scared me big time. <P>My H called yesterday a.m. and sensed something was really wrong. I told him what happened. He called me several times throughout the day, just to talk and make sure I was okay. I wasn't and I was at work, so it was really hard. I wanted to go home, but I was afaid to....I didn't want to find myself in the same mind set as the night before.<P>Finally in the late afternoon, he came over to my office and we talked for about 2 hours. He is SO adament that we are NOT going to get back together. His mind is set. I know that he still loves me and cares about me...he was really sad that I was thinking about suicide. We had a pretty good talk, but it all boiled down to the fact that it was over for him. He also said he doesn't want to loose me as a friend. I don't want to loose him either...he really is the only friend I have who I can talk to like this (except anonymous friends like you guys). He's the only person who really understands me right now. <P>He prayed for me and for us that we would be able to get thru this. I know it may seem strange that he would pray as he is the one committing adultry, etc., but I was thinking about that and realized that God still hears him. God is still there for him, even in his confusion. Then as he was getting ready to leave, he went to hug me and we hugged for about 10 minutes, both just crying and saying how sorry we were that everything ended up like this. We were both really bawling and asked each other for forgiveness, etc. It was cleansing, sad, loving, sweet, heartbreaking....all those things. Somehow that release helped me thru the night last night.<P>I just don't know how I'm going to let go of him. I don't want it to be over. I don't believe God wants it to be over. But I have to somehow find a way to "let go" of him....even if it's not for good, it's eating me up right now to keep hoping that he will change and want to come back to the relationship. It would take such a miracle for that to happen right now. I know God can do miracles....but how many other Christians have been in my shoes and God did not choose to do that for them. Why would he do that for me?<P>The other thing is, if I ever did move into Plan B, I think it would kill me not to be able to talk to him occassionally. We really do have a friendship, love and respect for each other. I don't want to loose that....but can I really keep it and let go at the same time? I don't know....<P>I am starting with a new counselor today. I will be open to hear what she has to say, but I still have to jive it with what I believe about God and what he wants for my H and I....it's hard.<P>Thanks all for your help. I was really freaked out that I came that close to ending my life....another thing is, it's that time of the month....so I'm sure that didn't help any. At least today, the hormones are ebbing some, so maybe things will look up. My appt. with Steve Harley will be on Friday a.m. <P>Please pray for wisdom for me. I feel like with all the different input I've been getting....believe in you marriage, let go of your marriage, move on, stand firm, give up, hold on.....it's just too confusing. I really need clarity of mind from the Lord.<P>Thanks.<P>(PS It's 9:08am my time, so that's why it's taken me so long to respond today....)<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited August 23, 2000).]

Hi Mrs. O. Dont do anything stupid. Remember we all support each other here and pray for each other. My prayers are with you.

Dear Mrs. O:<P>Your story just touched my heart and I wanted to let you know that you are loved and supported.<P>I'm no expert (and you may want to get some back-up on this idea), but even though it would be hard, Plan B may be a good alternative for you right now. Your H has not had a real taste for what life without you would be like. It sounds like he cares about you very much -- that's good, and from what I understand, the best set up for an effective Plan B. <P>But, first and foremost, take care of yourself. You are so precious in God's eyes.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you,<BR>KristyAnn

Mrs O: I wanted to tell you that my marriage was in the same place yours is now. My H said it was over, lived with the OW, seemed happy as can be. That was 3 years ago. Since then, I have seen the Lord turning him back to us and he has talked (and continues to talk) reconciliation, making future plans together. I know that God has to take care of some rather large problems in my H's life, but the OW finally was taken from the picture, just recently. Looking back, I see a miracle has occurred to get us this far. Their is still a fierce battle going on, but know that God is a big God and he can do anything. I had many advise me to move on and let go. What you need to do is to put it in God's hands....this is a form of letting go in that when you are able to do this, you begin to feel peace and God begins the restoration process. I am a great one for taking it back, but I have learned that things happen when I place it all in his hands. I refused to give up, I couldn't. The people here are awesome and prayers are answered. I have begun to pray that God would just put my life in order as it is way too much for me right now. I am trusting him for this. I have been where you are and know that God does not leave us there forever. Read the Psalms, David had many of the feelings of discouragement that we have experienced. He poured them out of his heart and brought them to God. I know that God listens......

Thanks for the encouraging post. I am doing better now. I think I'm getting to another level of "letting go" of my H....not my hope, just the worry, anxiety, etc. of the whole situation. I DO have to leave it with God 'cause only He can really change anything anyway...<P>I had a good session with Steve Harley today and I did see a new counselor this week, who was also really helpful.<P>I posted elsewhere in this forum that I believe God is calling me to a higher plain of trust and faith in HIM, not necessarily in what will happen or what He could do, but in MY relationship with HIM. It's so incredibly hard, but I think I need to go thru this. I was reading my Bible the other night, desparately seeking a "word" to keep me going. A slip of paper fell out from the back of the Bible, and this is what it said:<P><B>Broken Dreams (Author Unknown)<P>As children bring their broken toys<BR>with tears for us to mend,<P>I brought my broken dreams to God.<BR>Because He was my friend. <P>But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone,<BR>I hung around and tried to help<BR>with ways that were my own.<P>At last I snatched them back and cried,<BR>"How can you be so slow?"<P>"My child," He said, "What could I do?<BR>You never did let go."</B><P>My dream of having my H back home and us building a new relationship can only come about thru God. So this is my new challenge...to continue on my path (with Plan A) and to continually, continually, continually laying the burden down at the Lord's feet.<P>Thanks all for your good words. May God bless each and everyone of you.<P>Aloha.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited August 25, 2000).]

Mrs O: I read that same poem some time ago and it struck me personally as well. In fact, I often remember that analogy as I continue to struggle with the letting go. I have found that I have to keep going back and laying it all down....I am happy to know that you are being encouraged. You are right, God never wants us to suffer, but he can use it for our good, as a way to refine us. Like Joseph told his brothers, "what you meant for evil, God used for good." I often find comfort in relating this to my own life when I become discouraged by my multitude of mistakes. I am comforted knowing that God does not abandon us and can turn our natural consequences around and use them for our good.

Hello. I too had many people tell me to move on, but my patience seems to pay off better in the long run . I pray that he will see how awful his life would be without such a caring and beautiful soul in it. I pray that you will have a chance with him to reconcile. I pray that the other woman will find some self-respect and boot him out on his butt. Today if possible. <BR>God hears you. God hears him (but most likely doesn't approve.) If you are ever that low again do what I did the several times I've been in the pit.<BR>I picture a gigantic pair of hands, they're really soft and gentle. I'm lying in them andf they're cupped around me. I tell myself "If I die, there is no chance at all. If I live, and as long as I live,m there is hope."<BR>It helped me, it even helped me fall asleep some times when I was up obsessing about my H and the ow. I hope you are feeling better.

oops, forgot to say something. I was really hopeless about everything until I started doing things for myself, like I started working out and got some good food in the house and cleaned. And started doing things to make myself better, got started in therapy, and read a lot. I feel better after doing these things, and it seems that he has noticed...It gave me more of a feeling that I was DOING something to make my marriage work, rather than just crying because it wasn't. I never let go for a second, but I moved myself towards the better and dragged him along without him even knowing or suspecting.

Mrs O,<P>How are you doing today? I hope all is well. I want to tell you haw much you poem ment to me. My MIL is still trying to get H away from OW. To the point where it makes H made. I explained this to her and read this poem. Hopefully she will let go and let God do his work. My prayers are with you.<P>Michelle