I know the OW has to have some faults, but my ex-H has made me feel so insecure that I feel she is better than me in every area of life, more exciting, better personality, better looks, never boring, just perfect at everything. I feel that when he is with her, she makes me look so bad by comparison that he will always thank God he left me for her. Does everyone who has been betrayed feel this way? Does the OW ever begin to look worse than the wife?<P>AD

Already divorced,<P>In alot of cases, it is NOT about the OP, but some problem or perceived problem with the marriage that is the central issue. Many books even refer to the affair as being a SYMPTOM of the unhappiness our S is living. Could be a problem with the marriage, or a problem within the S and they are looking everywhere but internally to solve it.<P>I, too, have felt jealous and inadequate when I found out about the OW. She is actually older than me - I am 44, she is 49. I am in better shape - she is slightly overweight. She is a school teacher and I am a hospital administrator. I think in many ways she is alot like me personality wise. Sex was not an issue, as my H and I have always enjoyed a great sex life.<P>Our S's are not looking necessarily for a BETTER person than us, but for something different to ease whatever pain or unhappiness they are experiencing. <P>Don't drive yourself crazy by trying to feel that this pertson is BETTER than you, because I am willing to be SHE ISN'T. But, right now, your H thinks she is most wonderful, and that is a fact of life you have to deal with. Cutting the OW down will only make him defend her more. You have to try to understand what has been causing your H so much unhappiness and what you can change to make the relationship better. If your H is in a MLC, there might not be alot to do but wait, wait, wait and wait some more. Use all of this time to better and strengthen yourself. No matter what happens, you can work on your own happiness. This is a HARD thing for us to do - work on ourselves while we see our S helplessly floundering and making (in our opinion!) all sorts of terrible mistakes. The OP will evetually become REAL (warts and all!) to your H in time.<P>Keep the faith...<P>Roll Me Away

AD - Man did you hit home with me tonight! My H had his Thanksgiving lunch at work today. He works with the ow he had the EA with. We are almost 3 months in recovery. Everything was okay, until I put some chicken and dumplins on my plate. Well I asked how do they get these dumplins so perfect? He said "how bad you wanna' know" I knew what that meant and dropped them from my fork. I finally tasted them and blurted out, "hah, mine taste better than hers"! LOL<BR>Well he laughed which surprised me, he used to would of gotten mad. Anyway, I told him I didn't want to know anything about them. Of course he came home and told me that she had bought them, that's why they were perfectly rectangle! It infuriated me though, that he knew that! But I am glad, because my dumplins are homemade, even if they aren't perfectly shaped! <BR>My point is, I constantly compare myself to her. She's my age, but thinner, blonde, cute, etc .. Keeps a spotless house. It knifes me when I think of how I fail up next to her. But she is married and miserable and my h now sees just how weak-minded she is. But I think he still looks at her with that unknown, what am I missing? HE never slept with her and yes she is higher energy than me, prettier and so on. I hate it. I think that he does finally see what we have is real and what he would of been getting with her would not last. ALthough there were days I thought he deserved her, meaning he deserved someone with all the qualities he THOUGHT he wanted. I was wrong though, I am very worth having!<BR>Read my post on Question! After today I am really confused, but know that h loves me. I wish you the peace that we all deserve. I feel for your pain, I never had to experience him actually leaving me physically, but he wasn't here mentally for a LONG time!<BR>Hope my silly chicken & dumplins story helps you see we all feel that way, but we really shouldn't. We are alright and NO one is perfect. HE will eventually see her flaws to!<P>------------------<BR>Mater<BR>mater15@ivillage.com<P>

Dear AD-<P>I too, have thought like you, allowed the jealousy to wreck havoc with my self-esteem. But then, I started seeing her for what she is, a home wrecker, self-centred and self serving. And most importantly, a person who has no moral or value system worth mentioning. I, on the other hand, have my pride and dignity, my beliefs and morals intact. It is because my husband knows me, and what I stand for, that he is able to carry on this way, for he knows that he can rely on me to try and fix this mess up.<P>I believe that the betrayer is blinded, but if given the opportunity, they will eventually see the OP for what they are,and any attraction they have for them will become tainted.<P>In the end, it's not really the OP that matters. The only thing that matters is you and your family. Do you think that, if given the right environment and circumstances, your husband would never have done the same thing with your next door neigbbour, local waitress, taxi driver or garbage collector? I don't believe that the OP has the capacity to wave their magic wand, and render our S without reason. I don't believe that the OP is the cause, but merely a symptom, and that given the right circumstances, it could have been anyone; blond, brunette, red-head, tall, short, fat, thin, three legged, American, Greek, Russian, etc.<P>I know it doesn't help if the OP is or resembles a cover girl, the American ideal! But how many of us betrayed, who've met the OW, are shocked that she isn't that ideal, but some ordinary looking person. Which is worse? That he left us for CINDY or ELLE, or that he left us <B>FOR THAT?!?!!</B><P>AD-Just because she is what she is, it doesn't make you any less of what you are; a beatuiful, warm, caring, sensual and sexual woman. Dig beneath the surface and that, I'm sure, is what you'll find. Don't be afraid to show it and flaunt it. Embrace it.<P>Keep your chin up, and smile. You are worth it!<P>ALL THE BEST,<P>------------------<BR><B> <I> Black Heart </B> </I>

Black Heart,<P>You make some good points. First about the OW's looks - Yeah, I neevr met her, but saw her picture and couldn't believe it - thought he would go for young and pretty. My H always liked me to dress and look sexy. His OW wears no makeup and is very plain looking and slightly overweight, which is something he does not like in women (HA!). It just goes to show, you can never tell - looks are certainly not what my H's affair is about.<P>Second great point - it DOES NOT MATTER what the OP looks like, acts like, does ofr a living or anything. No matter how great or terrible this person is, it DOES NOT DIMINISH the betrayed person. As I said before, I think we all battle the jealousy, but in the long run, despite everything that has happened or is happening, you've got to look inside and recognize the value of YOURSELF. No one can ever take that away from you....!<P>Roll Me Away<BR>