Hey RMA,<P>Just read your response to AD on her thread. Just some questions for you.<P>Valerie has already said that Brian [OM] is not the problem. That it is between us and not him. Wer'e [they] just friends, he's nice. I like him.<P>I do not recall seeing your idea of the OPin any of my readings. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I am the problem and not the solution. She called late at night on Sunday and had a certain sound in her voice that she was looking for something.<P>Maybe that the changes I have told her about are sticking. Now you have me wondering.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

Medic,<P>This is my perspective based on being on both sides of the fence:<P>Betrayer needs something DIFFERENT than what is in the current marriage/situation.<P>The reason WHY may be any of a number of things. But, the bottom line is that the BETRAYER is unhappy and needs to find something or someone to blame. This is my opinion based onbeing a betrayer, and others may or may not agree.<P>Medic, think of all the things we have shared here about why infidelity occured in our relationship:<P>- lack of effective communication<BR>- lack of mutually satisfying sex<BR>- overbearing problems: financial, loss of job, etc.<BR>- MLC<BR>- no "spark" - never in-love<BR>- life crises - death, trauma, illness, etc.<P>I don't know - the list goes on and on. The betrayer is livingin a situation where they find things "unbearable". In my situationof my EA, it was NOT that I had a rotten marriage - I had inability to cope with a major stroke that left my father paralyzed and needing 24/7 care. I was emotionally devastated (no0t to mention financial impact of round the clock care and physical imact of trying to pitch in on weekends in LA when we could not get weekend care), and unknown to me, my H was unable to help, because he has issues dealing with loss. NO EXCUSE for me, but am telling you how I let myself get intwined in something I shouldn't have.<P>The bottom line is during this time, I felt helpless and unhappy - looking to change SOMETHING in my life to make me feel better. Hence, the EA. Well, did it make me feel better -yes, for a short time. Then I had to wake up from the dream - the OM wanted sex and it did not match what I felt for him nor my value system with my H and marriage. In retrospect, the affair, the thing I got into to make me feel better, only ended p making me feel WORSE!<P>OK, now my H. His brother died 6 weeks after diagnosis of fatal illness. The same week we found out about his B, his company announced massive scaleback of 40% of field workforce. H had to lay off friends he worked with for 20+ years! Coincidently, that is the weekend he met the OW! Add a little MLC on top of that (H just turned 52 and unhappy with excess weight he is carrying around) and he was fertile ground for an affair. H felt totally out of control of his life, and very unhappy. Well, he can't change the things out of control - his B dying and the job situation, but he can and did change his personal situation by having his affair.<P>I think of it like this - he is using the affair to "medicate" himself so he can feel better. I told him that and even told him that the thing he is seeking to make him feel better will only make him feel worse in the long run.<P>But....he doesn't listen. I also think a large part of this affair is retaliation at me for the EA I had 2 years ago.<P>My H is a sick puppy.<P>One of the books, think it might be Private Lies, talks about what people do when they can't handle life - some people have affairs. Not talking about serial affairs. They need to change something, and will change spouses, location where they live, jobs, ANYTHING but look to change themselves! <P>From my perspective - this is right on. See how many of us ar here realizing that WE have to change if WE want to be happy???? If only we could help our S's understand this - it would save so much pain for everyone....<P>Hope this answers your question, from my perspective.<P>Roll Me Away<P>

RMA,<P>Thanks for the well thought out post. I'm going to have to sit down and try to digest this. I certainly see where your'e coming from. I thought Val was just giving me an excuse about Brian. This puts new perspective on the marriage. <P>Thanks again,<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

Medic,<P>Can you come up with some ways you see that Val is just "dissatisfied" or "unhappy" with her life? If so, you might be able to gently point them out. But, I did to my H and he is unwilling to think it might be a "problem" with him, and he would have to address his issues. Also, since we had a good marriage, he has not tried to use that as an excuse. What he has said is that we both got busy and lost focus on each other (true) and while he wasn't focused on me, he fell in'-love with the OW (true, too).<P>So, until he feels he has done something wrong (which he doesn't - did say he was sorry for hurting me - that's it) or until this new relationship starts to crumble, there is nothing I can do to impact his actions. I have hoped that he would begin to miss me as I am in PlanB. I honestly do believe he is missing me some, but not enough to come home. Also, I think because I believe he could benefit from counseling individually as well as couples counssling, he might hold back, as he doesn't think anyone should need to go to a counselor to figure out their own life.<P><sigh><P>I refer to my husband as the "runaway H" to my best friend.<P>This man will keep on running from the probloems not realizing he is taking them along right with him!<P>No brilliant insights - just a different spin on the same old sad, sad story.<P>You know, Medic, as a businessman - figure this out -How could we harness all this energy and effort on this forum and make a profit??? Surely we could keep the lights going in a major metropolis for one night after the milleneum blows it all out??? Like hamsters in a running ring????? Just kidding......!<P>Roll Me Away<P>