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#337876 02/03/01 11:27 PM
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I have been married for eight and a half years and feel like I've been married for twenty. I have a very loving and decent husband who I have doting taken care of these past eight years, but now am feeling resentful. He had just graduated college when we got married and I was still in my third year. I got pregnant and had to stop while he went on to graduate school. He is past graduate school now and in a very prestigous position and we now have three kids that are 7, 4, and 3.<P>Even though my husband is a very conservative type person, believing that the wife should stay home with the kids, he does encourage me to go back to school if I want to. I have followed him throughout his schooling to five different states in this country and almost feel as if I don't know where to start. Even still, I feel that I am a strong woman and have had very many nights on my own with my kids due to his job and I know that I can handle this.<P>Originally, this has been my problem festering in me that I resent him for being able to pursue and succeed in his career (which was also my field at the time we met). But recently we moved and at his new job he has someone that's somewhat like a secretary that is obsessed with him. I know that he has not had an affair because I know him and he is very religious. He goes to confession faithfully and instills a strong faith in our children, more so than I do, even. Everyone that knows him knows that he is a very devout Catholic.<P>Anyway, this person that's obsessed with him I never saw as a threat when he first started telling me about her because I know him and I know he will never cheat on me. But after I met her and he told me more about her and I realized her obsession with him I started to worry a little. She seems like the type of person who fantasizes about having a relationship with the boss. I got this parynoid feeling that she was telling people that she was having an affair with my husband -- I don't know why I thought that, but recently I found out it was true. In fact, evey parynoid thought I had of her has been coming true.<P>This is a really small town and my friends so far only consist of my husband's work friends and my childrens'teachers/school friends/parents. I feel that I cannot go anywhere near my husband's work now and I am stuck in this town for at least two years by contract and maybe more if we can't sell our house. But what is bothering me even more is that I have lost some kind of faith or trust in my husband even though he never cheated on me.<P>I had been making accusations about this woman for some time and he kept defending her and saying I was imagining things. Even though he sees her for what she is now, he still won't let her get fired because he says that you cannot just take someone's livlihood because she is spreading rumors, causing trouble, or such.<P>I think sometimes he takes the high moral ground too often. A lot of times, I think he is so considerate of others' feelings that he forgets about mine.<P>When we met, we worked together and there was a person that we worked with that was causing me a lot of trouble. She would purposely try to get me in trouble. One day she was fired and I did not know. I could've used this information to get her into a lot of trouble and pay her back for all of the things she had done to me. He knew she got fired because he worked for Security. I found out months later (through another employee) that she got fired and I was furious with him for not telling me. He said it was against company policy to talk about people who get fired. I let it go because I knew that I probably would've done more harm than good if I had known the truth.<P>Another time when I was babysitting my sister's kids I was feeling stressed out and wanted somehow to get out of babysitting her kids without hurting her feelings. I found out I was pregnant with my second child and I bled for one week and I thought I was having a miscarriage. I begged him to tell her for me that I couldn't do it anymore, that the stress was going to make me lose the baby. He said, "Well, what's your sister supposed to do now?"<P>I constantly feel as if he puts the feelings of others before mine. Even though he is a good and decent man, I feel like he is my enemy more than my friend. I am alienated in this town and don't feel like I can make friends with anyone who hasn't heard rumors about me, especially since he's in a high-prestige position. I wish so much that he would protect me and my feelings for once.<P>Since I stay at home with the kids and he works I mentioned to him once that I wonder if his family thinks I married him for money. He said they don't but he wondered if my family thinks he married me to have someone to cook and clean for him. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but now that I have known him for years, I know his conservativeness and I feel that specifically is the reason that he married me. I think that I am convenient and useful to him and I don't see him as my soul mate any more.<P>I am parynoid about the whole existence of our marriage and the more I question it, the more bad things I find out. He used to tell me that he's glad he's married so that he doesn't have to date any more. I really think I am a convenience to him.<P>I am rambling and I am sure there is no one out there that can relate.<P>

#337877 02/04/01 12:24 AM
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Tearful,<P>Yes, someone can relate, although maybe not in the same sense. I married a man who had 4 children by a previous marriage. He has custody, so now it's nothing for him to go off all the time and do the things he wants to because he knows that I will stay home with the kids. I resent that very much about him. He too is a good person, not at all religious, but still has a good heart. I am not so sure what he does on his "time off", but that is irrelevent, I wanted to talk to you about your message. You cannot and should not let other people's opinions (your neighbors) dictate how you feel about you. All you can do is be you, and let other people think and say what they may. Have you talked to your husband about how you are feeling? My husband is very conventional in his way of thinking too. I must say that I do feel that as women, we are to play a more behind the scenes kind of role in our families. The bible says that we should submit to our husbands, and it sounds as if you have done that, but it also says that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved his church. It does not sound like your husband has done a very good job at making you feel loved the way you deseve to be. I urge you to try and formulate your thoughts and express them to him as you have in your letter. Sometimes, men are just so insensitive to our needs,it is just their nature. Please don't let the resentment grow without trying everything you can to stop it. Whoever this person at his work is, don't let her have power over you by constantly worrying about things she may do or say. You can't change what others do or say, only what you do. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing how much she bothers you. She needs to be prayed for if she is the kind of person who would spread rumors about a married man, and there are many of her kind out there. Anyway, don't give up! I'll be praying for you.....<BR>

#337878 02/05/01 01:42 AM
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I cannot believe that someone could actually relate, thank you so much for replying. Also, I cannot believe you quoted that verse from the Bible, that verse has come up several times in our house. My husband knows the Bible inside and out and quote any verse and a lot of times when I'm dissappointed in him and try to quote something from the Bible, I end up feeling stupid because he is so much more knowledgeable with the Bible than I am.<P>I do know that I am a good person and that all I can do is be me, like you said, but sometimes and more so than lately, I feel alienated. Since I have been following him from state to state throughout his career, I have never had family nearby and he has never been one to socialize at work. That is part of what bugs me because this is the first person that he has become "chummy" with at work. He changed his whole demeanor towards her when I started making parynoid accusations and he started believing me. But that seems to be all that I do, make accusations and try to get him to open his eyes to her manipulations. He does believe me for the most part now, but I feel betrayed in a way because he should've believed me from the beginning because we are partners and share a life and three kids.<P>I try so hard to not have a pity party for myself and be strong. When ever I go home to visit my family I always get compliments on how I manage to keep the family together and do so much with out anyone's help. A lot of times it rolls off my back because I feel like I don't deserve the compliments since I always complain to myself while doing things. My husband's one chore throughout our marriage is to take out the trash and even sometimes I've had to do that. I think this is all my fault of course because I've spoiled him so much through out grad school and everything, I've always done everything trying let him have time to study. If he helped me with the dishes or gave the kids a bath I would thank him when really I shouldn't have, because it is just as much his responsibility as it is mine.<P>Since he is so used to coming and going as he pleases I feel resentment towards him for it now. I have talked to him and written him letters in hopes that I would come through clearer, but he feels that if he is not offending God than he is not offending me. I don't know why he doesn't see how much this hurts me.<P>I asked him the other day how he would like it if I dragged him to a small town and told everyone that he met bad things about him. -- Oh I left out a part of the story... He told her a while back as an excuse not to come to the company get-togethers that his wife doesn't like coming to these things and when she asked why, he said because she didn't finish school and feels intimidated by everyone there!!! --I never said that, I said the parties were boring because everyone's talking shop, but regardless, I feel like he gave her a gun full of ammunition. She feels as if she can intimidate me, now.<P>Her response was, "Why, is she jealous?" And ever since, she's asked him once in a while if his wife's jealous of them and that her husband is jealous, she gives him gifts all the time, she'll buy him tomatoes at a tomato stand on the way to work, she'll go get him a supersized soda from the store down the street when he's working through lunch, she started calling him "hun" really loud in front of other people so that they would think something of it, she gave him five presents for Christmas, she tried to set themselves up on a date claiming it was business... it goes on an on.<P>What bugs me is not just that people already have their misguided impression of me, as the stupid mousy wife at home, but the fact that my husband doesn't cut her off at the knees and tell her to knock it off. Doesn't he think it's a sin to let her go on and on like this. I had to tell my 7-year old and my 4-year old that they were never to be picked up at school by her, isn't that pathetic? My 7-year old has asked questions and I try to keep her out of it, but I just told her that this woman really likes your father and so she's probably also interested in you and I just don't want her to ever pick you up at school (she has asked very personal questions about the kids and where they go to school and has passed by our house several times). My daughter right off paralleled it to that movie with the twins that are trying to get their parents back together and the dad was about to marry another woman... can't remember what it was called. --OH, Parent Trap. Anyway, she sees her as the other woman and I keep telling her that her father doesn't like her back, but my daughter doesn't understand why she's still there and how come her father doesn't tell her that he doesn't like her -- I wish I could be as blunt as her, but I can't really even answer her question, I am stil wondering that, myself. Why doesn't he tell her that?<P>I am rambling again! I do have to remember your advice about praying for her, because I was for a while when I was more sane, but as things have happened, she has brought out the worst in me and made me so angry that I forget what a horrible life she must have in order to do these things. Thank you for reminding me of that.<P>You seem like a very strong woman, I read another posting that I am assuming was yours... about your 4 stepchildren and their mother has taken a more active role? I think that was you, I've only read a couple of postings, I just found this site yesterday. Anyway, I think you are so unselfishly wonderful to those kids and I think that's why they come to you when everything falls apart and needs someone to fix it. I know it must be exhausting for you, but I believe that these kids will look back fondly on you for your love and support. It may be a long time coming reward, but you don't seem to be in it for the reward. You truly are a remarkable and unselfish woman. God has blessed you in such a wonderful way and I thank you caring enough to respond to me. Keep in touch.

#337879 02/04/01 09:06 PM
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Praise God, sister! Sometimes I marvel at how the Lord works! I laughed aloud when I read you message. My husband has two chores a week. First, is to take out the garbage (I get everything together inside, he just has to walk the cans to the curb), the other is that every other night, he feeds our dogs (We have 9 cats, 3 dogs, 5 fish tanks, 2 hermit crabs and for quite sometime we had a chicken living in our backyard. We live in the city and aren't quite sure where she came from, but I fed her too until I was able to catch her and gave her to a friend who has a farm). Anyway, I digress. As I read more about your situation, I cannot help but feel pity for this poor woman, who seems to need to try and feed off your life, in the absence of any substance in her own. Your husband, unfortunately for you, sounds like he falls into the same category as so many other men, including my husband; clueless! It also kind of sounds like he treats you not as an equal. I don't mean that he doesn't hold you in high regard, I mean that he sounds like he views you as though you need to be taken care of, like he is responsible for you, rather than seeing you for the competent, intelligent equal you are. <P> Thank you for your kind words on my situation. I feel extremely blessed. I have been through many trials in my life, and for sometime it was doubtful that I would make it, but I try very hard to remember that the devil will do whatever is necessary to take us down, but if we stand firm (easier said than done) God will not let him be our demise. Only we can destroy ourselves by giving in. Remember that you are exactly in life where God would have you to be, and whatever the situation of the day, there is a chance for you to grow and learn and flourish in each situation. I am reminded of a women's retreat I went to once. One of the speakers was a 21 year old girl who was talking about her mother. There was an elder in the church who's views did not jive with her mothers. Her mother was very tolerant of this man, but he tried everything he could to have her eliminated from her position of ranking within the church. One day, this girl and her mother went out to lunch and happened to run into this man. Her mother went to shake his hand and speak to him and any good christian would. He refused to speak. When they left the restraunt, the girl was furious with her mother. They got outside and she said, "how could you do that. He has caused you so much trouble, I hate him. How can you be nice to him?" Her mother replied that God judged her on what she did, not what he did. The girl broke down telling this story. She said for the first time, she saw her mother for the beautiful person she was. This story touched me deeply because I can't think of any greater tribute to a life than for your child to tell someone else how much they admire you. I guess what I am trying to say is that you have been granted a unique opportunity to let God's light shine through you for the world to see. If Jesus had only been kind to those who were kind to him, would he have been remarkable? Would his story have been passed down for thousands of years. No, he would have been just another man, but he wasn't just another man. I urge you to read the word. There are so many good passages and information on marriage in the bible (I find Ephesians to be very uplifting. It is also where the scripute referneced in the last message can be found). This is a starting point! I don't know what the future holds for you or me, but I do know that we have to have faith that in each experience exist the unique chance to better ourselves and in turn, the world. I always go back to Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." I love that! At any rate,pray hard. God will lead you in the right direction, just listen.... I will keep praying for you. Let me know how it is going!


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