My husband and I are in recovery. All our problems really surfaced son's senior year in H.S. He is now a sophmore in college. Senior year he started doing out of character stuff. Nothing big, but out of character. First semester of college went well, good grades. Second semester he made 2 F's, a C, and 2 B's. Went to summer school and made up the F's. Fall semester he did about the same. Promised that he now had his head on straight. <P>Admitted drug use and that he even sold some drugs. The house where he lived was a pig stye with older guys not even in school hanging out. I knew it was a drug house. He asked to move home and it has been an adjustment for us all. He CLAIMS school is going well, but I'll believe it when I see it. The least thing sets him off and I've heard I F______ hate you more than I want to mention. I know for a fact he is smoking pot because I've found it in his pockets. I've made up my mind to do what I have to do for us all to get along until school is out. Then if he keeps showing me disrespect he will just have to get out. I don't want the fact "we kicked him out" to be a reason why grades aren't what they need to be at the end of the semester. I really am afraid he will end up in jail for selling drugs. However, I've done all I know to do.<P>I feel now that no matter what happened with H and I he would have probably done some of this anyhow. It just hurts so much to see someone with so much potential go to pot (no pun intended). He breaks down and cries alot, saying he is lonely and has no one. He has all kinds of girls that call, etc. I don't know how to answer the lonely part. I even found his rifle under his bed which really scared me. Did he have it out to pawn or did he have other intentions? He went to school counselors for a while, but don't know that he's been back. <P>Our daughter is perfect in every way. I really mean that. Parents couldn't ask for a better child. graduated from college with 4.0/took care of herself entire four years -- I didn't have to worry a bit about her. He calls her the piece of s___ prodigy child. That hurts too. He tells me I can't deal with a real kid with real problems.<P>I know he has only been on loan from the good Lord above for the last 19 (nearly 20 years) and goodness knows I've made mistakes. I guess it is now time to turn him completely over to God. I can't do anymore. Please pray for us. <P>My H and I have tried to keep this worry from interfering with our recovery. It's hard, though.

Wow, You have a lot going on. Ok: everyone has roles in your family. I would suggest going to a narcotic anon. meeting to start with. Get some info on the roles and dynamics of the family with drugs, etc. This may seem very wierd to you but I have to say that all of you are in a co-dependant dynamic. Please take that in a good way. It can be healed. Get the rifle out of the house!! Don't be a statistic. Get your son into treatment for drug abuse. Contact many agencies in your area to find out what is available. I would bet that if all of you jumped into all of this, in a year you would be a very happy family. <BR>I will pray for all of you. The reason i can talk about this: I am going through very simular things. Ted

Drug abuse is a very serious thing. People will only be helped, when they truly want help. Sometimes the only thing you can do is wait. And pray. I think Ted is right, you are in a co-dependent situation. As long as you continue to accept the fact that your child is doing drugs, but don't take a pro-active stance in what type of behavior you will accept from him, you are in a sense condoning his actions. He is crying out for help, although even he may not know it. Understand, though, that any attept to help him at this point will not be viewed by him in a favorable light. You may have to endure anger like you have never known, but I can tell you that if you allow this child to continue on his current course, he may get into things that he is not able to get himself out of. NA is a really good start. They have a handbook that you can read through that tells all about their 12 step program. It's a starting point. Remember, his problem is your problem too, and if he is going to get through this ordeal, you have to help lead him out. From what I am hearing, you can't wait until school is out to demand respect from him. You will never get it. Once you accept his behavior, he will not change it, and it is possibly what is feeding his anger. Everytime he acts out and you accept his behavior, it feeds his idea that you must not really care. I cannot stress this enough GET HELP FOR HIM AND YOU. Like Ted said, don't be a statistic. What you are facing may be even harder than what you and your husband have been through. You have my support and my prayers. May God provide you with all the strength and ammunition needed to win this battle. Pray hard and long about what God's will is in your life. You are foremost in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that this story has a happy ending. God bless...

I don't feel like I've just stood back and condoned his behavior. I've stayed on him in a big way. I look through his things from time to time and when I find something drug related I confront him with it. He was getting counseling at school when the semester started, but I don't believe he has continued it. I have suggested some private therapy but he says "a little pot does a lot less harm than going out and getting drunk". We have had more confrontations over his behavior than you will ever know. He is basically just at home now long enough to get a shower and sleep. That is why I know he is messing with it again. The only thing I haven't done is kick him out of the house. I put gas in his vehicle on Sunday afternoons because he is still in school, but I do not give him any cash. If he buys this stuff, he'll have to buy it with what he makes, not off of me. I just feel like if I kick him out of the house, he'll sink deeper in and I know for sure the semester will be a big nothing. <P>The guns are gone. I took them to a friend's house. <P>I really don't know how to "enforce" with a 20 year old. I've cut off money and told him I won't tolerate it in my home. To my knowledge, he hasn't done it at home. He had been on a weekend outing when I found the pot in his pocket. Everytime we get into a "discussion" it blows up into the I hate you, I hate dad, I hate...... I'll leave....etc., etc., etc.<P>I will contact NA to at least give me some support. H is ready just to kick him out and be done with it. Thanks for the advice I've been given. Continue to keep us in your prayers.

Janie,<P><BR> I thought I was dealing with alot until I read your post.His behavior has really been effected by the drug use.I will pray for you,<P> beth

Janie,<BR>One other thing, I told my daughter (15 going through same thing) that the nexttime she was found to have any drug or drug stuff (I couldn't spell paraphan... :-) ) We were calling the police. It was not acceptable to have in her mother's house (my ex) and this would be the consequenses for her decision to keep using. I then went and totally cleaned out her room to make sure she couldn't say "That was old stuff". I know everything was clean. So now the choice is hers. The law will straighten someone out if they are put into a court ordered program. The "hate" will stop when you let him pay the consequenses of his actions. He will come around as long as you say everything in love and be very firm taking nothing from him. He will try to deceive you and lie to you. Just do the right things !! We will pray for you <>< Ted