One of the things that I have yet to reconcile in my mind is the crossing of certain boundaries. Now granted, affairs are a "crossing" in and of themselves, but I'm talking those boundaries that are deemed sacred.<P>Pre-discovery things such as don't take the kids near the OP, don't flaunt OP around mutual acquaintances, etc. The list goes on and we each have our own personal "set". I suppose I'm talking about the things that as one's spouse, you just assume they will respect.<P>Recovery things like remaining friends w/OP is not an option.<P>I still have issues w/birthday/holiday contact, giving our UNPUBLISHED number so she can call our house, flaunting around his/our friends in his hometown, taking our baby (the one who can't talk) with him to see her, defending her over me. (Things that HE has control over) <P>Is it purely a lack of respect? I understand the "addiction-like" behaviors, but is that really the only reason? I've asked him if he would like it if I had done these things. Of course, he said no.<P>Help! This is blocking my recovery in a big way.<P>

It is 100% addiction. The only time my H EVER laid a hand on me was when I said something mean about one of his OW. That particular OW was my daughter's pre-school teacher, so the kids were RIGHT THERE!<P>As for my betrayal, I lied when my H confronted us for the first time and said he wasn't the OM, just a friend, because the OM had had a triple bypass and I knew a fight would kill him. I <B>should</B> have allowed my H to handle things at that time - for so many reasons, but I was <B>out of my mind</B>, which I suspect your H was too.<P>Infidelity breeds complete insanity on all sides...<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

Hi Enlightened -<P>I chose a smiley face icon because I am so glad to hear from you!!! I have missed you and been wondering how you are....<P>I am afraid that I don't have too much advice for you though....I am having trouble with the things he's doing - YUCK!!!!<P>No contact means no contact - so how much is he into recovery? This is disrespectful - yes.....but it's also keeping him in withdrawal.<P>If he says no - he wouldn't like it if you did it...what's his solution to handling it if it were him? That would be interesting if he would say...which he probably won't cuz then he's have to heed his own words.<P>Refresh my shot memory - are you guys counseling? if so - has this been brought up? If not - can you? Or at least call Dr H or something? <P>There is no possible reason for him to be doing this...even if in some strange way he has the "friend" dillusion - it is hurting you and that is all that should matter....<P>Sorry that I couldn't be more positive or helpful...<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Thanks for the replies. For Sheba and anyone else interested, we're long into recovery since his last affair, but I still struggle with these issues after all this time.<P>NB-<P>I do believe that much/most is addiction. I'm just wondering if at the insanity is ALWAYS the reason. I agree that the insanity is on all sides...I did some pretty stupid things in reaction to this myself Is it the addiction that drives the selfish actions that are inconsiderate and disrespectful to not only the spouse but also the family and friends?<P>I remember once his Mom came in town to visit us for Mother's Day and he spent the night w/OW. Left ME home w/HIS Mom. His Mom had left town where her other 3 children live to be with him on Mother's Day. Why couldn't he skip that particular night w/OW? (Didn't know at the time, but that was his Mom's last Mother's Day on this earth.)<P>Looking back, that did help me to understand that that affair wasn't just about me, the evil wife.<P>Sheba:<P>You are such a positive force on this board. I always enjoy reading your posts...so full of love and compassion for all of us. Thank you and send some of that positive energy my way...please <P>As posted to NB, I think much has to do with addiction and withdrawal, but still can't reconcile why certain things occurred. I've posted before about the "affair" things and the "sacred" things. Phone calls, dinners, dates, money,...sex, etc. go with affairs. That's one thing to deal with. But those sacred things are difficult for me. <P>Dr. Harley speaks to some of that with the POJA. Don't do anything w/o enthusiastic agreement of spouse. If you're not sure, don't do until you ask. I think that is where my issues fall. I suppose I expected him to "do unto me as ...." Even in an affair, I don't understand why you would take my baby into that situation. He did it because it was convenient and she couldn't talk. But I say, would he have liked it if I took her away w/some childless boyfriend of mine. Our reasons for the no answer are the same...respect, protection, etc. It just didn't have to be done. Sure it may have been an inconvenience in his/her "agenda", but where does the reasoning of the parent fit in here?<P>Of course I could go on and on, but I won't. One reason I still struggle w/this is because after his 3 affairs and all the damage done, I still have a tough time envisioning a future w/him that includes his having the best interests of me and our children in mind. I say this because when asked about why, most times he answered...she made me. Is he this weak and easily influenced? Is the addiction that strong? Like our pastor says, met someone yesterday and forgot everything your mother ever taught you! Is this what I'm dealing with? How do I deal w/this?<P>Enlightened<P><BR>