My husband's drinking/anger is escalating. I'm not handling it well. H received letter from attorney today outlining Prosecutor's offer. H is extremely angry at me. He still blames me for all the problems in our marriage. He angrily said "you KNEW I like to have a beer once in a while (once in a while(?)!!!) when referring to the probation period that states "no alcohol". Why, why, why won't this man admit his problem and get some help? Why is he willing to forsake everything for alcohol? The highlight of our "conversation" was his remark that he wouldn't be having to go through this if I hadn't called the cops on him. He even went so far as to say alcohol had NOTHING to do with this, so why should he have to stop drinking? Alcohol had EVERYTHING to do with this. He was drunk whenever he attacked me, he was drunk when he met OW, he was on a non-stop drunk the entire time he was involved with OW, he was drunk when he gave son alcohol, he was drunk the night he went to jail. <P>He had been drinking when he got home tonight; I could tell by the way he looked at me with his teeth clenched and jaw twitching it was all he could do to keep from exploding. My reaction was to tell him some of the things I feel, like I'm a doormat that he walks all over, he has no remorse for what he's done, and no matter what I do or try to change it is the wrong thing in his eyes. I shouldn't have reacted, but its too late now. I feel like I've undone the progress we had made. What should I do?<P>I guess I've just gotten really down lately. Help.<P>

OH AW -<P>I feel so much for what you are going through.....<P>PLEASE, PLEASE understand that YOU have not undone anything.<P>Until he gets help with the Alcoholism - there is nothing that will take hold in his brain. <P>You know that you can not talk about anything when he is drinking...yet, it is hard not to try to get through....<BR>Common Sense and Logic and any reality does not sink in to a booze soaked brain!!! Total denial and blame of all else is the only thing that registers with them!!!!<P>Stop beating yourself up!!!! HE DID THIS TO HIMSELF!!!!! <P>God willing, this will be his saving grace!!! And yours, too!!!!<P>You are in my prayers and you just hang on and communicate lovingly with him ONLY when he hasn't had a beer or a drink....not any!!!!! Even one or two is enough to block the listening for him.<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

THANK You Sheba! You are so wise. Yes, you are right, I shouldn't respond to him when he's had anything to drink. Usually the only time he is sober is in the morning before he leaves for work. He doesn't want to talk about things then though. I have to remember to "shut up and pray". <P>Thank God I didn't yell back at him last night. I was tearful, but kept my voice calm and quiet. You're right though that even two or three beers is enough to put him in that "p**sy attitude where I get blamed and ridiculed. He is in MAJOR denial here, but I don't think I'm the right one to point this out to him. I get so frustrated when I hear the blame coming out of his mouth with all that venom. I want to let him have it back but I know I cannot do that. He's probably sick of hearing me say I love him and want more than anything to work this out. Deep down I think he does too, but won't let go of the Alcohol demon. <P>Thank you again for your prayers. You are in mine too. How are you doing these days? <P>AW

hi aw, ditto what sheba said!!!<BR>Are you going to al-anon? <BR>None of it is your fault. But it is easier for him to project than to deal, and the alcohol is calling the shots. Pretty volatile situation. You have an escape plan if you need it? <BR>I wish there was some way to get him to see the real issue here. Is he functional at work? Anyway to get him into a employee assistance program? Just fishing for ideas. <BR>(((hugs))) and prayers. cl

Thanks for the response cl. Yes, I go to Al-Anon, and I know in my heart I didn't make him drink, even though he tells me this all the time. And yes, he is functional at work. He forces himself to get up and go to work even if he gets falling down drunk the night before. Where he works is a problem though. All his co-workers are drinkers, and so is his boss. They tell him that its "that b**ch of a wife you have" that is the problem (at least this is what he tells me they say). All I can do is pray and pray and pray. Thanks again, and I do have a safety plan, the police. If he so much as pushes me he will be in big trouble considering the assault charges already against him.

Hi AW,<BR>I can empathize with your story, very much so. Are you going to Al-Anon? Is that in your area? If you arent you SHOULD try it. You are trying to tackle a disease. You are not in control. You are frustrating yourself with the concern you have over things you have no control over. As logical as it seems to others that drinking is making him miserable as well as the ones he loves, HE has to come to the point that he realizes he needs help. And that point MAY never come. The longer you allow your happiness to be based on someones elses actions the less control you have over your own sanity and peace.<BR>My prayers are with you and your family.<BR>Give this to God he is awesome!<BR>jules

Thanks julsv. I have been attending Al-Anon. I'm not trying make him quit drinking. Yes, I wish he would quit drinking but I rarely say this to him. He was sober once for 5 years and was a decent loving husband. I want that back. <P>For the last few months my prayers have been focused on asking the Lord to change me, show me how to be the wife and mother He wants me to be. I've been much calmer since I began earnestly praying for myself to change. I don't yell, nag, or get upset with him because he was drinking... I have made a point not to show emotion. Last night was an exception in my behavior. Usually I just sit and let him vent at me. My usual response to him during this is that I love him and want to work our marriage out in a calm tone of voice. Then I get on this board and do my venting here or call my best friend and vent to her. <P>Tonight he came home just plastered. I don't know how he managed to drive here. He is still angry and blaming me. He had been to see his lawyer today -- I think he is scared. Lawyer told him the Prosecutor on his case is very tough and will "hang him". His lawyer also told him that the only hope he has is to get me to call the Prosecutor and tell him not to impose the drinking restrictions, and I'm not about to do that. I think my husband's lawyer is Satan! This lawyer must not have an ounce of decency not to suggest to my H that maybe he might ought to get some help with his drinking problem instead of trying to find him ways to get out of getting help!!! I see I need to add my husband's lawyer to my prayer list. <P>Thank you all for letting me vent again today. <P>