My wife and I have been married for 13 years. She works 2 days a week as a receptionist at a medical practice. This is where she met the OM who was a regular patient for physio. He chased her for 2 years and earlier this year she fell for his advances. The affair started as an emotional connection as she phoned him almost every day and evening. Approx 3 months ago this developed in to a sexual relationship. I was unaware of the situation at this stage when she requested a trial separation and went to live in an apartment approx 2 months ago with my 11 year old daughter. She is now in constant contact with the OM although he hasn't as yet moved in he is often there. My wife and I still see each other 2 - 3 times a week but the relationship is distant as it has been for the past 6 months. I don't want to lose her and am trying all I can to turn the situation around but to no avail. The OM is 41 years old is not employed and lives with his mother he has never been married. I can't work out the attraction. Any suggestions would be appreciated as my patience is wearing thin.

G'day mate,<P>Just wanted you to know that someone was listening and reading.<P>Welcome to the forum, you are amongst friends here. I'm always sorry when we get a new member, it's an awful reason to come, but hopefully, you'll find comfort from and with us.<P>I, myself am relatively new here too, but would like to suggest that you read the MB basic principles, the Q & A sections, and previous posts on this forum. Some of the other members are really good at welcoming new members, and I hope that they will do so with you. They are able to attach links, and so forth in the body of their message, and their wisdom, and faith and patience is very comforting.<P>You are not alone.<P>As for your particular situation, according to the MB principles, the OM is fulfilling an emotional need or two of your W. Once you work out what it/they are, you'll be able to determine what the attraction is. Use this time to work on you, and to Plan A as best you can.<P>Fairenough, you can't rush these things, you can't make demands, force the issue, offer ultimatums, etc. Your wife is not ready to deal with you right now. She is in the depths of her addiction. Any attempt to force the issue <I>usually </I> only serves to isolate you from her further. Just take time out, spend a bit of each day doing something that should make you happy. You may not feel like it at first, but sure enough, it will work, and you will get some joy back in your life. If you can't manage plan A, as to keep doing it would completely rob your love bank, then think about plan B.<BR>In the end, follow your heart.<P>Hang in there,<BR>Hoping for you,<P><P>------------------<BR><B> <I> Black Heart </B> </I>

Thanks Black Heart for your words of encouragment. I have read many of the articles from Dr Hartleys column and I must admit it is all that keeps me going. If I hadn't understood how these things progress I would have completely stuffed it up by now. I continue to use plan A as much as possible (now in the 3rd month) and our relationship is relatively stable. She is however constantly in the OMs company and the relationship hasn't shown any signs of abating as yet. I am moving closer to plan B however as I am going to move interstate shortly, back to where we originally came from 4 years ago. My wife was considering moving back as well although still separately from me. She has since changed her mind however. I believe we will eventually reconcile as we are still good friends despite what has happened. Meantime as you suggest I will continue to invest in myself and ensure whatever happens I will be OK. It's sort of strange but by keeping your head straight and not becoming emotionally upset with your partner during these times you seem to have more control over the situation. Another plus is that whatever happens I will know that I have done the best possible to try and save the family, this is the least I can do for my daughters sake.<BR>Thanks again<BR>fairenough

Fairenough,<BR>Welcome to the Forum, Sorry that you have to be here but I think you will find this to be a place support and hope. First suggestion, Read everything on this website then read it again....<P>Also, buy Dr.Harleys book " Surviving An Affair" That book saved me and help me to cope with day to day stuff. I think the number one thing here is the need for us to Understand. <P>I too have been here for a short amount of time, In that time though I have learned more that I did in my 5 yrs of marriage. Others here will be able to give you insight as to your situation, And vise-versa. Sounds like you have already familiarized yourself with Plan A. Keep doing it until you can't anymore.....<P>This website may not save your marriage but it will help you to survive what your going through and walk away a better person, With or without your spouse....<P>Good luck and come back often.....<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

did you and your wife ever spend a lot of time together? what i mean is, she may have a high need for quality time with you, and if you had been busy, then this guy with no job has all the time in the world to meet that need of hers (that is not a harley need, but i find it holds water for me). perhaps you have to find a way to spend a huge amount of time with her....<BR>---my H works 14 hours a day or so, and i am constantly on the verge of leaving him for someone who's home more, even if he makes less money.<BR>just my humble opinion...

fair enough. You'll get some good advice here. <P>Welcome to the longest, hardest ride of your life. And to the best group of friends you could ask for.<P>We'll be here to help whenever you need us.<P>Lori

Thanks to each and everyone of you for your words of encouragement.<P>Rutger, I have ordered "Surviving an affair" and am looking forward to reading it. I found "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman to be another good book on the subject.<P>Thanks Love was blind for your comments, I believe there could be something in what you say as about the time the affair started my wife lost her best friend (soul mate) who travelled back to the UK. I always felt that I couldn't fill the void that she left and it may have triggered the affair. I was working long hours at the time. Have you discussed with your H about the long hours and the need for some quality time? If not please do so as one of the complaints I have about our relationship is that many issues revealed after separation I was not even made aware of during or marriage.<P>My biggest decision at present is whether to make the break back to Victoria where we originally came from and give her space to consider the gravity of her decision. She also wants desperately to return to Victoria but is staying for the OM.<P>Although plan A is having some effect I feel that I am no longer in her confide and not really needed by her at present. This maked it difficult to fullfill her emotional needs. The OM is certainly offering all support at present. <P>This may change but I don't know that I can wait that long the issues are tearing me apart.<P>Once again thanks to you all for your support and look forward to corresponding with you all.

Thanks Lori for your words of encouragement. It's great to be amongst friends who understand at this time of need.

Here's an update for all those helping and following the plot so far.<P>My W was around at my place yesterday with my D. They came for a swim for a couple of hours (Perth gets very warm in the summer). <P>Although the afternoon went fairly well I felt the atmosphere was somewhat strained from the moment she arrived. I could tell that the thought of me returning to Victoria to live on 19th Dec has been playing on her mind. She dearly wants to return there herself but most likely with the OM.<P>She even suggested that she go over on a trip (prior to 19th Dec) and leave D with me for a few days to see if she really wanted to move back. Her motives are unclear but I suspect it would be to try and justify her actions to all our close friends over East prior to my arrival.<P>I suggested that it might be wiser for her to stay in Perth and sort the issues out that she has here with the OM. Strangley enough she seemed to half agreee with my point of view and wwe left it at that. I was most suprised.<P>I think she is beginning to see that the sacrifices she has made for the affair are quite substantial. I'm sure that it will now cause some friction in the new relationship as those sacrifices are aired as the "in love" state subsides.<P>All in all the emotional, personal and financial cost of this so far has been enormous. <P>What do you think? Would appreciate any of your comments.

Hi fairenough.<P>Welcome, but I'm sorry you're here !!<P>I moved back from Melbourne to Brisbane, to save my sanity after H started an affair with someone he works with.<P>I plan a'd for a while, got me nowhere - he wouldn't give her up, wouldn't give up his job, couldn't say who/what he wanted, wouldn't commit to counselling or trying to make the marriage - I left and came home.<P>Best thing I ever did.<P>I'm now in Plan B - and everytime he rings to speak to D - he has that nice, gentle tone of voice while speaking to me. But, he's speaking to air. I can hear him, but I'm getting daughter. I do not want to speak to him at all. (there's no nastiness to my action)<P>This site gave me the strength to be able to do that. Prior to that, I was desparate for any communication, even bad communication was better than no communication, right ??<P>Wrong.<P>Your W may be starting to think about the huge decision she has made, and may be seeing it for what it is. A mistake. The most important thing I feel that I have learned here is that affairs are the same as any other addiction. Once I had that clear in my head, it was easier to let him go. He, your W and all the other betrayers here, need to hit that rock bottom place that all addicts hit, before reality will smack them in the back of the head and wake them up.<P>You have an advantage here, in that you see each other 2/3 times a week, plan a all you can. Let her see what she is missing out on. But protect yourself too. I had no idea that someone I loved so much could inflict that much pain. And knowingly do so. But guess what.?<BR>I've grown through this diabolical situation, I've seen some of my strengths and a lot of my weaknesses, I know what I like about myself, (and what I don't like), and I will be a better person, and a better wife and partner next time around. Whether he gets the benefit of all I have learned who knows.<BR>But I know.<BR>You will too.<BR>Everyone here talks about a rollercoaster ride - believe me - it is. and I hate rollercoasters at the best of times. !!!<P>I think my ride seems to be slowing down. I'm just about ready to get off.<P>I think my point here is that you will feel such a plethora of emotions, and they will change with what seems like every 10 mins. You will go from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other, and so fast your head will spin. Hang on. It gets easier, it gets clearer, and it gets better. <P>Please take care of you, and your d, and I'm sorry you find yourself here. But, what everyone else has said is true. The feeling of love, support and friendship is wonderful. These people have become my friends, even tho I may never ever meet most of them. Use this site when you are angry, don't get angry and vocalise to your W. Use us here. We can offer different perspectives, different opinions, and support when you need it most.<P>All the best<BR>Jo<BR>

Jo<P>Thanks for your reply and your words of wisdom. I agree with everything you say, but believe you are further down the road to recovery than I am.<P>How long was his affair going on in Melbourne prior to you leaving and how long have you been back in Brisbane? How did you find out or did he tell you? Is his affair still going on or don't you know? It sounds as though you still wish him back?<P>I believe I am thinking less and less of my W for what she has done and continues to do to our marriage. It is hard to understand how she can seek support from another person who has none of the history that we share. I try to put myself in the same situation as her but as you say it is an addiction and they aren't thinking rationally during this time.<P>I really think the situation is having a negative effect on Plan A at the moment as my patience has run thin over 4 months. The best thing I could do now is to leave the state before I completely destroy the good work done so far and then continue with plan B..<P>It must be good to be back with the family for support? How old is your D, mines 11yrs? Don't you really feel for them? At that age they really don't know what is going on and I believe it will really have an adverse effect on her life. I have read that the children are most affected for 2 years after the separation.<P>Incidently, a good book to read on the subject is "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman. It is available in Australia, in fact my copy came from Brisbane. It really gives a good insight as to the reasons behind different types of affairs. <P>Thanks once again for your reply and look forward to hearing from you soon.<BR>Regards<BR>Fairenough