Hi Mark and Trying,<P>Thank you for always writting. Sometimes it takes me a little while before i get a chance to get on the Internet and I always feel better to see you have written me. Today I feel horrible. My husband has pulled the rug out from underneath me again. I guess I am partially to blame but I don't really feel he is really committed to us our our reconcilliation, in fact I don't really know what he is doing or feeling.<P>In our line of work we are sometimes assigned to projects that take us away mon-fri and can only see each other on the weekends. Well since he has been on one he never calls me and today only text messaged me that he doesn't think we should speak this week for he needs to think things through. Then he blatantly ignores my phone calls. I feel panicky when he does this and it feels like a power control trip for he knows how it plays me and makes me this way. It is as if he enjoys hurting me and then sitting back and laughing as his phone rings and just ignores me. I feel so hurt and let down.<P>This past week end was okay for us but I was PMSing and admitted it to him. Some issues came up that we still have not resolved from our separation and of course I grew upset. Mainly the discussion about honesty and how we both agreed that was most important in a relationship (honesty and openness from Dr. Harley's emotional needs test). Well my husband has been caught in many lies with me in the past and this issue came up. I told him it was very hard for me to trust him and that I want to but yet he still gets caught in his little white fibs and such (he had just admitted to wanting to sleep with a girlfriend of his whom only a month before he blamed me for making him stop being friends with. THis made me feel upset for I never made him stop being friends with anybody and confused him, I only said I felt uncomfortable with her relationship for she seemed to flirt and want him, right infront of me. A month ago he only claimed they were just friends and that I had a jealousy problem which in fact did make me worry and feel horrible and appologetic. Well then this weekend he blurts out the truth about liking her and always wanting to be with her and I presume he probably forgets all the other stuff he's told me, but I never forget so I got upset with the hypocrisy of it all. THen he turns it all on me and just walks off when I try to talk to him about it and my feelings. <P>Then today he just shuts me out and coldly text messages me. <P>I feel so down and confused right now. Only yesterday when I was on the phone with my grandparents did I tell them it was going a lot better and I felt happy...this always seems to happen, as if I jinx myself when I feel happy.<P>It's hard to not react and keep trying to call him but I nknow it will only wind me up more and he will only ignore me. Please pray for me. Sometimes...at times like this I feel that I can't go on in this relationship for it is so painful. I know God will see me through but I get so upset that I can't even turn to him (I guess that's what the devil wants ). I know I need to but I just feel all the life kicked out of me and I just want it all to end. I never feel my life will ever be alright and sometimes wish I'd just get hit by a bus or something. I'm not suicidal but I think about it, an accident or something...God's grace maybe? Isn't that sick? I worry if I am not the one who is really crazy? Of course my husband plays on that and because I am open and honest and discuss everythhing he has used that fear in me as a weapon and jumps on it and blames me for everything.<P>Why can't he see how his shutting off his phon e is so hurtful and how merely text messaging your own wife such things without a discussion or a chance for me to talk about it is so painful? Why? Lord please help me? I don't know what I am doing wrong and the things I see I'm doing wrong I don't know how to stop doing! <P>My husband keeps telling me things like 'now he knows he can live without me' and all these other things like I won't control him anymore and stuff. Of course he says this when ever I try to just tell him how I feel. I really don't feel I am trying to control him but maybe I am, I am not perfect. Maybe my feelings make him feel guilty? And that is why he thinks I am controlling him? I have no clue? All I know is he constantly says things to break down my soul, my love and our reconcilliation. <P>ON March5th 2001 he sent me an e-mail telling me he wanted a divorce (how come he can never tell me or talk to me in person? why is it always e-mail or text messages?) and he ignored all responses from me then too (he's done this many times over the years...not the divorce thing but ignored me and my phone calls, etc..). I am the one who felt moved by the Spirit that God wanted me to hop on a plane and fly over here impulsively (i'd decided to do this a day before that e-mail) and show that I wanted our marriage to work.<P>Maybe I was wrong? Maybe he really doesn't want me or our marriage to work? I feel like I am a fool and maybe I have been living in lala land and even though I know God wants marriages to work and feel he wants me here a part of me feels like maybe it's all a joke and maybe there is no God. I feel guilty saying that but when I get down like this I wonder sometimes...I know there is one and I am sure I am wrong for even thinking it but I just need a lot of help and nothing seems to be working.<P>Please pray for me and that my spirit is strengthened and uplifted so I can remain strong in God and for this fight. I know the devil is placing doubt within me and yet I jsut feel so weak and want to give up. Gosh do I sound sorry for myself. If you were all sitting in a room with me right now you'd all get up and walk off. I'll stop now. I'll be alright sorry for moaning. I think I need to pray or something.<P>God give you all peace for taking the time to read this...sorry for my depressing state today.<P>lotus<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lostpup:<BR><B>Hello, Aime and Trying. Misery loves company-lol. Seriously I praise God we can lift each other up during these most difficult times. Its comforting to know, somebodys out there makin it thru this and acually trusting and believing God will heal, such impossible situations. With man this is impossible, but with God, nothing is impossible. Somewhere along the way i got to this place of letting go , but standing and believing God would restore. Very few heed this call from the Lord. God will honor us. I can start to see Gods hand in all this now and not just the enemies. I still have my days of disallusionment and crying. I knew in the begining of all this that if i didnt give up and Trusted God to restore, He would be faithful. Just dont know when. There were times when i just didnt think i could take anymore. Still have them acually. But somehow, God gets me thru it all. Theres always hope if we are willing to compleatly trust God, no matter how it looks. I need to hear that probably more than anybody. I still wrestle with God on issues. Thank you all for your love and prayers.<BR>Mark </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hello lotus. I understand wanting just to die. That would be Gods grace to me. I dont think your crazy, but then again many think i am just as crazy as my manic wife just for loving her. Maybe i am. Some might argue with me on this, but an unfaithful mate hurts a person that loves that mate more than anything else in the world. There is no greater pain and it makes life a living hell. My wife is sliding backwards again, and starting to go manic, oh joy. What kind of destruction awaits me, not to mention my heart being shattered again. Somedays i wonder and ask God how much do you think i can take. Im hanging by a thread. Still i have to praise God for when after this life of hell is over, i will have no more tears. Your in my prayers dear.<BR>Mark

Hi,<P>I don't even know where to start. I am just so sorry for the difficulties you're going through.<P>I don't think you are even slightly crazy. I think your husband is terribly confused and you can't trust what he says right now.<P>I also think maybe now isn't the time to have the big conversations. Try to focus on pleasant conversations for a while. Don't talk about the past. Just leave it for now and try to re-engineer your relationship.<P>My husband is driving me crazy today too. He doesn't come home and shuts off his cell phone so he's not reachable and lies all the time.<P>It's very hard and I was just wondering today too if God just wants me to annul this marriage and then if my husband converts, to remarry him with God in the middle of our marriage.<P>Any decision that any of us makes has to be prayed over and thought through very carefully. So don't jump to any conclusions. (And I'll try not to too!!)<P>I think you are doing great. I know it is mean of your husband to turn off his phone but trust God and let him do it. Don't get in his way. He knows you love him; you came back to work things out. Maybe he is just panicking and doesn't want to be back where you were a year ago because he obviously wasn't happy or he wouldn't have been so abusive.<P>God does exist. He doesn't want us to test Him but He is more than happy to make His presence known. (Can you believe as I wrote that there was a sudden thunder? Isn't that weird??) Watch for the sun to peek from behind a cloud right when you need it. Watch for a stranger to be particularly kind. Watch for someone you love to call or e-mail you. Notice any changes in your inner peace after you give something over to Jesus to bear for you. Watch for odd coincidences. He is there and He will let you know it. Those who seek Him, find Him. Don't worry if you have doubts - I don't know any thinking person who has never doubted. But God will strengthen you if you perservere and push that doubt out of your head as fast as it gets there.<P>I have thought the same thing about an accident - right when I was on a plane with my daughter. It would've been so easy, right? But God has plans for me, for you, for Mark and for all the others who read and participate on this forum. He needs us to help other people stand for their marriages. If we waver at the first sign of difficulty (or in Mark's case, at the 99th sign...) then we are not setting a good example.<P>Are you going to church on Sundays over there? Find a church to be with people who love God. Your faith will grow in the community. Your faith will grow helping others and suffering. That's the path, it seems. But you won't suffer every single day because God will give you joy to handle that suffering and to let it subside.<P>You are not alone even though you are in a foreign country. I am praying for you and God is holding you. You are doing the right thing - don't doubt that you are an instrument of God. You are.<P>Mark, I have problems similar to your wife's. It is very horrifying to have these problems. Please have mercy on her when she loses touch and don't be impatient. You keep referring to the fact that she is manic and it is a little disparaging although I know you are tired and you love her so much. Pull out the last bit of patience with her, if you can. Give it over. As much as you have suffered, trust me, it is the worst to be out of control and know it. Coming down to reality afterward is a nightmare. Going to the hospital, falling down again and again is so humiliating and scary. Feeling that you can't keep a job for long, that you are unstable, untrustworthy etc is devastating. Talking to people you know and saying or writing the dumbest things and having to live with it after is close to unbearable. So please have respect for what she has gone through. She may have used drugs to escape but unfortunately there isn't much escape from this because it's a physical problem, a brain chemical imbalance. It's not her fault.<P>I know you love her and you have put up with so much. I am not trying to criticize you but I have been in her shoes and it is so sad to have this condition. It has its good sides, because it makes you sensitive to others but it is a very scary condition to have. God bless you for staying with her and loving her back to health.<P>

Praying for healing in your marriage, God Bless!

Aimy where are you? We miss you. Trying, im sorry you struggle with manic depression. I think if my wife didnt have that, i would of had a lot harder time forgiving her and being patient. She cried a few months ago and said she didnt mean anything she has done, and i just held her and said i know honey. I love her so much. Im am going thru so many firery trials right now, i get so overwealmed at times. Only God can get me thru this. We always think this time, im going to be forsaken, but God always shows up at the last minute when all hope is lost and picks you up. I hate that! Its like God always waits, and we go thru so much and have peace and smile, and then the floods come, and then we start to wonder. Then the bottom drops out and we are falling and before we hit the ground, God catches us. I can do without the rides thru war zones while bombs are going off all around. Can you relate. Im wore out. May God give us all strenth to make it thru one of the hardest callings of all, standing for a hopeless marriage and trusting God to heal. <BR>Mark