I posted a while back about my son. He is 20 years old and has always had a mind of his own. The problems my H and I had took its toll on him in HS, but I refuse to use that as an excuse for his behavior. He graduated with high honors from HS and went to college.<P>First semester was great, joined fraternity, etc. Second semester I saw changes, grades were terrible. Went to summer school and brought them up and went back in the fall. Lived in a pig stye house with four other guys that had "drugs" written all over it. We refused to support that living arrangement second semester, so he moved home after Christmas break. I had to wash everything he had before it was brought into the house. He was filthy. We had had some screamfest sessions right before he moved in and we knew he had been fooling with drugs.<P>He admitted the drug use and that he had even sold some while living at the house. when we got the grade report, we didn't know if we would pay for him to go back this spring. He basically begged, promised, etc, and we paid for spring semester. He has been going class and SAYS he is making B's and a couple of C's. We'll see, as the semester ends next week.<P>He told us he wants to take fall semester off to get his head on straight because he has no clue what he wants to do. I'm all for it, because I'm tired of dragging his butt up every morning and getting bills for parking tickets.<P>While his appearance is much better, he still lies constantly and every "confrontation" over anything from parking tickets to a bill he owes turns into a screamfest on his part eventually telling his father he F****** hates him, hates us, etc.<P>I know he is still smoking pot, as I have found the pipe, etc. in his room while putting up his clothes. He does work. All I do for him is give him $20 a week for gas money to school (which will end as soon as school is out). His father had signed for a joint acct with circuit city about a year ago for him to put a stereo in his car. We had told him we would pay this account off for his birthday, which we did. I got a bill today and he had gotten a copy of the bill out of our bill basket and had gone and charged $1,000 worth of stuff. He knew better and now my husband as cosigner will be responsible if he doesn't make the payments. He sees no "wrong" in this because it is in his name too. He knows there is nothing we can do about it. The speakers have been custom installed already, so it isn't like we can just take the stuff back.<P>Right now I am feeling so empty towards my son. I am ashamed to say I raised him. I look at his failures as my failures as a parent. <P>After I told my H about the charges to the credit card, it was as if he turned on me. He acted so angry towards me last night and it hurt so. This morning I hugged him goodbye and I had gotten some water on the front of my pj's when I washed my hair. He pushed me back and said very sacastically "Thanks a lot!!"<P>I am so afraid my son is going to create a rift between us once again. While I know it is detrimental for our relationship for him to be here, in spite of it all I see so much improvement over what he was in December. I'm afraid if we kick him out, he'll go back to that lifestyle.<P>I know there needs to be some counseling, but son refuses it. He doesn't see that he has a problem even though if he tells me its raining outside, I go look. It breaks my heart to see a kid who made a 1350 on his only SAT and an honor HS graduate just throw his life away. <P>Just needed to vent somewhat. I feel so empty towards him and a mother shouldn't ever feel that way towards her own child. Also feeling pretty guilty because he is probably a product of what I made him. Our daughter is very successful and loving. She is home for a visit and has been very upset towards her brother although she hasn't said anything to him, which is good, because he would blow up at her.<P>I don't know what to do. I love my H and don't want us to get back where we were before. thanks for listening.<P> <BR>

I am very sorry you are having to deal with such a difficult situation, my prayers are with you and your family. I was given Dr. James Dobson's book, "Love Must be Tough" and it has helped me set up boundaries while I am separated from my husband. I know he has written books about families and teens, I think you could gain some insight and help. Satan is having his way with your son right now, but God will win in the end. Have faith in God's goodness. Take care of yourself and find comfort in prayer. God Bless.

Thank you for the reply. I am requesting prayer for God to soften my son's hard heart. Yes, satan is having his way with him. He is a lost puppy. There are times I get a glimpse of my "good" son and just when my guard is down he pulls something else. Please everyone who reads this lift him up in prayer. The Lord put him in my care and I somehow failed. Also lift me and my husband up in prayer in order to show us the correct way of dealing with this and not to lose what we have worked so hard to gain in our marriage!

Hi,<P>I wanted to ask you if you take all the credit for every good thing that your daughter does? No? Then please don't blame yourself for your son's choices. He is a young man making some stupid choices which he will regret. I really doubt that you have much to do with these choices. He found the wrong friends when he was away and decided to rebel. Maybe you weren't the perfect parent but no one is. If he got such good grades in high school, he has nowhere to look but at himself for the problems he is facing.<P>I know a mom with 5 kids. Four were fine - one got hooked on PCP. This was a very close-knit family, very loving, parents in love with each other, good Christians, devoted to the Lord. Yet one strayed. I don't blame his parents. And I don't give all the credit to them for the others. To do so is to deny our free will. Even a six year-old can decide to be good or bad. They know what they are picking and so does your son.<P>The good news is that both the PCP addict and various people I know who became "potheads" are now responsible adults. The parenting does matter in the end, in the sense that sooner or later the love sinks in and the sacrifices you have made will be rewarded.<P>Don't let him get between you and your husband. Make plans with your husband as to how to deal with your son and follow whatever your husband decides to the letter. Remember that we are supposed to be submissive to our husbands. Tell your husband that you don't want your relationship to go. It is important to your son and will strengthen him.<P>You say you feel empty toward him yet you allow him to stay in your house. I say you love him to pieces and right now you are emotionally drained - very legitimately. Your love is your actions, not your "feelings". If your husband wants to ask your son to leave because he is stealing (as he did with the credit card - that is stealing and he knows it) and creating a rift, then listen to your h. Trust the Lord and pray a lot. I am sure your son is testing you like a two year-old does. It's good that you feel empty so maybe you can avoid emotional arguments and get your son to reason. Don't argue with him. Use the lessons about love busters from this site and write him letters. He may be scared of life and of the future so he is escaping or maybe he is just being selfish at the moment. He needs to know you want what is best for him and that you are disappointed with his behavior and will not tolerate any more stealing. He needs to know deep down that you love him unconditionally. His behavior will not take away your love although it may damage your trust.<P>Just like in a marriage, sometimes you have to let go to get your relationship back. Let God do his work and work on yourself to draw close to Jesus. He will help you with husband and son and will comfort you. Don't be harder on yourself than Jesus is - He forgives all of us so acknowledge and then forgive yourself for your mistakes. Otherwise you risk falling into pride. <P>I am sorry for this trial. Something very good will come of it - don't forget that. God bless you and all of your family. I will keep praying for you.