I have been asking myself this for years. My husband is now a recovering alcoholic, but for the past 8 years, he has been an active heavy drinker. But he didn't drink heavily until the day we got married! He even passed out on our honeymoon night. We checked into the hotel suite & 10 minutes later, he was out cold. I spent our entire night crying and confused Then, 2 weeks after our wedding, he was arrested in the grocery store for stealing cigarettes (when he had more than enough money to buy them) he just thought he could get away with it. I had to call our new next door neighbors (who were a doctor couple & coming over for dinner at our house that night) to pick me up at the grocery store because I couldn't drive my husband's stick shift. They ended up having to bail him out of jail. I was totally humiliated. I remember sitting on my couch alone, looking at our shimmering Christmas tree, and thinking..It's not supposed to be like this. I just got married 2 weeks ago. Everything is supposed to be happy and normal. I think my attraction for him starting dying right then and there. But consciously, I did not realize that.<BR>Years went on & he never seemed to be able to pay for our bills or our rent. My parents always ended up paying our way for things. I held jobs once in a while but nothing steady. I was pretty depressed but nothing that showed from the outside. I think this stopped me from function and obtain a good job that would pay the bills. Also, it is VERY important to add that months prior to meeting my husband, I had ended a 5 year long relationship with a man that was a closet drug addict. he was in law school and a college graduate but I didn't know he was unfaithful and an addict until the last few years of our relationship. This relationship scarred me intensely.<P>Back to my marriage: As the years went by I came to realize I couldn't count on my husband for a lot if things. He never could maintain our house or bills. We had creditors calling every day. he was constantly falling asleep n the couch instead of coming to bed. And if I did wake him up, he was extremely cruel and belligerent. During the day when he wasn't drinking, we were fine. despite all of this, we were very close friends and enjoyed a tremendous amount of common interests. <BR>4 years into our marriage he had managed to open our own profitable company. We were hugely successful and attempted to start a family. After surgery to conceive, we were blessed with a baby girl. Unfortunately, during this time, my husband's drinking took a turn for the worse. he was never there at the end o my pregnancy he wrecked his car 4 times in a month & managed to drive into our garage door one night. He always came home so drunk that he couldn't stand up. I had to have my parents stay with me on the weekends to help with my premature baby. My husband was always asleep, or calling me a bad mother because I had post partem depression. He lost our business and we had to sell our new home.<P>After we moved to another state and tried to open a company there. It failed miserably. During this time, I began drinking more wine at night to cope with the pain of being emotionally alone and financially broke. I never drank to the point of not being able to care for my child or being coherent, but still, it was more than a normal person would drink. During this time, my husband and I began talking of an open marriage. You see, for the past few years, I had became very unattracted to him, so he had gone without any psychical intimacy. I tried and tried to overcome that & felt extremely bad over it. The subject sounded attractive to him because he missed having sex. I did too! But I wasn't about to have sex with him because it disgusted me. I had lost all attraction towards him. Yet, in the back of my mind, I thought he would grow up & become the man I thought I had married..so this *seemed* like a good temporary solution. I KNOW..STUPID! But I was so beaten down by years of disappointment and distrust that I was seeking an outlet. Yet at the same time, I wanted to keep my marriage. We chose two people that we both trusted and knew wouldn't try to break up our marriage.,..His ex Brother In Law by marriage and my best friend. I know..horrible! WHAT were we thinking? That's just it..we weren't thinking normally. It turns out that he never acted upon our agreement because my best friend lived 400 miles away & backed out, but I acted upon it. But he did talk to her on the phone and I know they talked about sex when they did talk. He wrote her via email a few times as well. From there, with me, it got out of hand. I went over board. It was so liberating that I let it get out of control. It was DEFINITELY not the answer to my problems. My husband was hurt badly by this; even though he agreed to it AND got mad when I wanted to back before it started. I ended it but not until a year and a half later. I realized it was wrong and that God wouldn't want that. But my thinking was so clouded by years and years of emotional abuse from addiction by not just my husband, but my former boyfriend. here I was 32 years old and I had never known what a normal, loving, secure relationship was. My husband now acts as though he is holier-than-thou because he didn't physically act on anything. Even though he would have in heart beat & he DID talk sexually over the phone with my friend. And I caught him secretly talking with her recently.<P>It was confusing because despite all of this craziness, my husband and I were truly connected as best friends. We were raised with strong moral values (this is why the open marriage thing was so insane for us to even considered). We both came from homes that were Christian and not affected by divorce. Both of us came from wealthy families and we were close to our family. Although my husband's father was an alcoholic (but he was 6 years recovered at the time of his death)<P>8 year later, here we are..My husband is sober for 3 months now & attending AA. He now has a wonderful job with excellent benefits. But he cannot get over this situation happening with us. I need to add that I caught him talking with my so called nest friend behind my back. I ended my friendship with her. This was AFTER the fact of us trying to put our marriage back together and trying to get over the Open marriage thing. So it is not like he has been a saint.<P>We are now separated due to him finding out about an incident with me and his brother in law meeting at a time he didn't know about) This was 2 years ago when this happened. I have since been faithful and leafing my life with God. I have asked forgiveness and am a Christian. Everything I do is positive and loving & respectful of others. I do not drink and neither does my husband. <P>Still..I don't know what to do..Should we divorce or is it worth counseling over? And even if we heal, will I ever be attracted to him again. Because right now when he touches me, it's like my brother touching me. It makes me want to peel off my skin. I do not find him sexually attractive in the least. And to be honest, I'm usually attracted to a different body type and height than him. I know that sounds shallow, but it is important. However my sister made a good point. She said it wouldn't matter if he were 4 3',, that if he had been respectful of me, treated me well & was a good man I could count on all these years, that I would be attracted to him. That attraction comes from more than height body type. I know this is true, but still I second guess myself. is this al from the addictions I have lived with? That is why I am wondering if it is salvageable at all. We both ADORE our daughter who is now 3. And my husband is the BEST father to her in this world. he would do anything for her and is 100% hands on father. I cant imagine her living without us both is the same house, but we both deserve peace and happiness. My husband and I are both willing to go to counseling and realize we need it whether we break up or stay together. We think of each other in everything we do during the day...I just don't know what to do. I don't want to go to counseling and put a Band-Aid over this if I cant get the attraction back he deserves a physical intimancyin a relationship as I do. I desperately am ready to feel and live again & I know he is. he is sober and getting his act together and he deserves a good life as I do. No matter what, we want counseling to understand what we have been through and done to each other & to raise our daughter with love and strength in her knowing that her mother and father love her and each other..whether apart or together.<P>Please..no scathing remarks or insults. Until you have walked in my shoes, please don't judge. I know it is easy to do, but please don't. Thank you. I need prayers over this. I am a christian now, but seem to be having to pay for past sins.<P>

Apirl Lynn,<P>We all have fallen short or God's glory. No one can judge you but God. We all have made a mess of our marriages and lifes. The only one who can unscramble the mess we make is God. It takes time and we do have to deal with the pain but , know that God will use that pain to mold you into the wife and mother he created you to be from the beginning. <BR>When there is sin there is confusion and do not be fooled, confusion comes from Satan. He is your real enemy. He has lied to you and your husband. Satan's job is to divide and conquer. He is doing a good job since you are thinking about divorce. He comes to steal, kill, and destory your marriage and family.Don't let him.<P>You need to know God's truth about marriage. God led me to the following site and I have been blesses since I started learning God's word and will for marriage.Please go and order the book, God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage. God is the only one that can give you the love you need for your husband but, you must ask Him and be obedient to His word. <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>www.restorem.org</A> <P>gentle

Gentle, thank you so much for the very kind words and the website. I will go to it now. <P>But tell me...how can my attrcation for him be restored? I havent been sexually attracted to him in 6 years. He feels more lke a brother to me. It almost feels sick to be with him..like its wrong.<P>God bless you<BR>April

April Lynn, I think that is just another temptation. Right now you need to be intimate with each other mentally and to gradually build up to where you can be intimate physically.<P>You have come so far - I think you know the best path is the one you are on and you just need to keep going down that one. <P>If you were to look for a new husband, you would want one to be a good father to your daughter, wouldn't you? Isn't that important to you? I know it is. And the best father is HER father. He is your husband. You have been through all sorts of things with him - don't be impatient. The rest will come.<P>The book Gentle is telling you about is a huge help. Keep praying and order the book. I think it's great that you have come so far. Let us know how you are doing. We will keep you in our prayers.

April,<P>Believe me when I say love comes from God. Lust is from the flesh. I learned this the hard way. ther have been two times in my life I have felt the "brother" thing. The first time was with my first husband. I was young and believed Satan's lies. I was not ready to turn from my sin.<P>The second time was when the love for my current husband went or I thought it had went. The difference the second time was that I didn't want to leave my husband. I wanted to love him. I had not given my heart to Christ at the time but I did believe. I was living in much sin but I did start to pray about my love for him. I was even attracted to someone else or thought I was. Little by little my love returned for my husband but this time it was like no love I had ever know before. I still was not living my life for Christ and things got worse in my marraige. My husband had felt what I had gone through but didn't mention it. Instead his love for me faded (or so he thought)and I felt the rejection. Things got crazy and I kept trying to fix my marriage for three years. My husband left several times the last time was Jan. 2000. I gave my life to Christ that same month. He filed for divorce May 2000. I found the restore site in Aug. I prayed for God to stop the divorce and now almost a year later, no divorce. He still says he is not coming home but I know God will bring him home. So how did I go from not loving my husband to standing with God for his return home. The power of our Father in Heaven that is how. God gave me a love for my husband that will not fade away so I know He will give my husband a love for me that will not fade away. Why did Gid do this? He loves His children and wants them to draw near to Him. He gave me a desire for my husband and when I didn't turn from my sin, He removed my husband so I could work on my relationship with HIM. God allows these things sometimes to get us where He wants us. Praise God I am not the person I used to be. i praise God for the love He gave me for my husband eventhough it does hurt so bad right now, I know this love will last. I have the faith that God will bring my husband home because He wants to give us the desires of our heart.<BR>God does want your child to have both parents. Another realtionship will not make you happy. Let God make you happy. Turn to Him for ALL things.<P><BR>gentle

Tryingtohope,<BR>God Bless you for your understanding and advice. I will buy the book. It sounds like a good one to read and study. Tomorrow my husband,I, and little girl are attending a family church picnic. Maybe my prayers are starting to be answered. <P>And you are so right about building MENTAL intimacy first.<BR>Again, bless you<P>April