I have just learned that my wife has been having an affair for over a year. We have been having problems for some time but I never considered divorce as an option. she says that she wants a divorce but I told her that I wanted to fight for our marriage. We have one six year old daughter that we both dearly love. My wife has isolated her emotions from all but three people: her older brother, her best friend and her lover. How can I win her back if she is not willing? She sees me as a source of pain. In her eyes I am all that is wrong in her life. Please Pray for me to keep positive. Pray for my little girl and pray that God will soften my wife's heart.

You are in for a long battle. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. My H had closed his heart to me and it took a lot of patience and biting of my tongue to keep from lovebusting. Eventually he started to open up and we both acknowledged our part in the deterioration of our marriage. After a six months of recovery, I moved to be with him (he had transferred). We are now almost a year into recovery. I never would have thought that we could have made it. Just be patient!! There will be times you will want to give up. Don't give in to it. Just continue with Plan A as long as you possibly can. Remember, Plan B is for you when you are losing respect and love for your spouse, not to force them into anything.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hopefulone:<BR><B>I have just learned that my wife has been having an affair for over a year. We have been having problems for some time but I never considered divorce as an option. she says that she wants a divorce but I told her that I wanted to fight for our marriage. We have one six year old daughter that we both dearly love. My wife has isolated her emotions from all but three people: her older brother, her best friend and her lover. How can I win her back if she is not willing? She sees me as a source of pain. In her eyes I am all that is wrong in her life. Please Pray for me to keep positive. Pray for my little girl and pray that God will soften my wife's heart. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Thanks Janie, <BR>How do I ever trust her again after more than a year of lies and decete? How am I going to salvage any self repect or self worth by remaining a "doormat". And doesn't this doormat attitude just indicate to her that her behavoir is acceptable. She is not the type of person that will just walk away from the affair. She sees herself as a victum of her circumstances. Plus she has not committed to ending the relationship with the other man. Nor has she committed to try to work on our marriage. She says she doesn't know what to do.(FOG state) I have been implementing Plan A for the last 5 mths. with no noticable signs of improvement. I am a man that needs direction and vision in my life. This limbo state is eating away at me. Thank you for your prayers. I will continue my prayers for others at this site and for my wife/daughter/family.

I don't have advice for you but I pray for your marriage.<P>Jesus, this situation is so hard, as You know. Help this man to continue to love his wife. Guide him to know how to deal with this wayward woman. Please guide her back to You. Call her by name. She is a lost sheep and You are the Good Shepard. Lead her back to her home. This is a heartbreaking situation for her husband and for her little girl. Please help this family to heal. Help all of us who participate in the forum to heal, Lord. I ask this through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. Amen.

Hi Hopeful, you cant win her back, but i know who can. Jesus is His name. Put your faith and trust in the Lord. He has changed my wifes hardened heart, and believe me, she hated me and didnt care weather i lived or died at one point. After 3 years of prayer and trusting God, she has hit bottom and we are in love with each other again. She did it all, afairs, dope, hit me, stole my money, etc. Lord i pray that you would lead my brother into the truth and direction you would have him go. Lord we know that nothing is to great or impossible for you to handle. Even a prodigal mate. Lord i pray that you would lead his wife back to you Lord and her husband and family. I pray that you would bring about a change in her heart Lord, and deliver her from living a lie and only listening to the lies of the devil. Love this mans wife thru his heart Jesus, so his wife will eventually be ashamed. In Jesus name, Amen<BR>Mark

Hope I am a woman but have been where you are recently with my H who told me about his affair and that he was leaving me all in one breath. His A with a single coworker was mainly emotional and OW had EVERY plan and intent to break up our family.She was jealous of me and wanted H to leave me for her. I refused to let her by praying every day out of the book The Power of a Praying Wife- it has excellent prayers for discernment of mind, physical affection, conviction of heart, better choices etc. You should read it and pray the prayers in it for your W- they are EXCELLENT. And I swear they work! My H who even filed papers on me for divorce a month ago( he said he was out of love with me and we were incompatible etc. but later he said OW pressured him to do it) was sleeping on the couch and hadnt been intimate with me in 7 mo has now gradually turned around and its because of the Holy Spirit working on his heart. I truly believe that. Pray very hard- and then you'll know that God is guiding this situation no matter how it turns out.He will give you strength to keep going if you ask. Keep the faith- divorce is wrong!lifeismessy

I really appreciate everyone's word's of encouragement and prayers, but I have hit an all time low! I am losing any hope that is left. Wife's attitude and actions are so cold. She says she wants a divorce. Do I go file? or wait and let her file? I am still praying everyday and hoping for God's intervention. Thank you for your prayers and please continue praying for my family. (especailly my six year old daughter). Dear God, Help us lord, you know the pain and hearts involved in this situation. I lift it up to you Father. I pray that my wife finds her way back. Please comfort us in this time and give me the spiritual, mental, emotional and physical strength to caring on.

Hopeful, momma said there would be days like these, and so does the bible. I cant count how many times i lost all hope, but somehow it just keeped showin back up and i found strenth in the Lord to press on. This is a war for your marriage and family that the enemy has declared on you. Divorce just makes the devil laugh and destroys your family. My best advice to you is to grow close to God and acually let Him change you inside out. Refuse a divorce and learn to love your wife thru all circumstances. It will eventualy break her down, and she will turn back and be ashamed. She also will probably fall in love with you again. But, you have to trust God in all this. One day i wanted to give up and was crying , then i saw this big white caddilac. Im thinkin those people got it goin on, i could see a man and his wife in it. Then i read the lisense plate and it said 3yrsPOW. That man was a prisoner of war for 3 years. I found hope again and Thanked God for the message. I will be prayin for you and your family. Your either going to trust God to restore it, or trust the devil to destroy it. Dont give in. Your wife is living a delusion and a lie right now. She hides her true feelings with anger and another relationship. Tell her your not going to give up, and that if you end up in divorce court, you will tell the judge your not going to accept the divorce cause you love her, yet your the one that has a right to the divorce. She is a prisoner of war held captive by the devil. Dont give up on the one you love. I pray the Lord gives you all th strenth you need to make it thru this trial. <BR>Mark

<BR>Thank you all for your words and prayers. They have been up-lifting and renewed some hope that I thought was gone. We all must remain steadfast in the Lord. Let God work on our stituations and just try and stay out of His way.(that is the hard part). I went to a Christian Counselor Friend who gave me some good advice. He said that God has his hand on the situation and that I should stop trying to fix it. It helped lighten the load that I had put on myself. I will pray for you situation and that God will ease your suffering. God truly is Good and we must trust him. <BR>

Mark, you sure are a piece of work. You have no idea how many people you help. I really love your faith.<P>Hopefulone - he is right. God is good. We all have to stick it out, really stick it out and be heroic. We're not used to that but we have to be heroic and single-minded. I pray for you and I ask you to pray for me, too.<P>Jesus, help us all to fix our relationships with YOU and then our other relationships. Let us be lights for You and let our marriage glorify You. Let us put our marriages back together so we can help others do the same. Lord, the spirit is willing but our flesh is weak. Strengthen us please so that we may please You and bring You lots of fruit. Bring this wife back very soon. It is urgent, Jesus. Amen.

It is too bad that time doesn't stand still when life gets like this. I am afraid of what the future holds we're not getting any younger. I have been implementing Plan A and I will continue implementing Plan A. Somedays are okay, others are pure hell. I Pray that God gives us all strength and foritude to carry on. Help us to think scripturally and be positive throughout the day. Help us to realize that we are not responsible for our mates behavior. Help us to remain in your will. Thank you God for your blessings that you bestow upon us. Thank you for your grace and your son, Jesus. Father, Please help us!

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. You mentioned you wanted to fight for your marriage and you both love your daughter dearly, but you don't mention any love towards your wife. It's obvious you must care for her or you wouldn't try so hard to hold on.I don't know the circumstances of her wanting to meet her emotional needs with someone else. Who really knows what someone is thinking? I offer you my prayers.

My friend, trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. The Lord will give you the desires of your heart. Only believe. Our God is bigger than your problem.<P>Use this time to draw closer to God. There is NOTHING too hard for our God. He specializes in things that are difficult. Only believe.<P>I would encourage you to check out this site: <A HREF="http://www.marriagerestorationministries.com" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagerestorationministries.com</A> <P>marriagerestoration@msn.com - You will get lots of encouragement and prayer. If you visit this site, you will not want to give up on your wife. Our God need to get the glory, DO NOT give up. Persevere, our God will come through for you. Wait, I say on the Lord.<P>Your marriage is restored already, only believe and have faith. God is not a man that He should lie. He said, what He has joined together, let no man separate. Please don't think about divorce, God hates divorce. Mal. 2:16. All you need to do is pray, fast and believe and the Lord will come through for you. All things work together for good. <P>I will keep you in my prayers.<P>God Bless.

It is so hard to remain patient in Plan A, especially after so long a time. It is also so very hard to accept that "we" can't fix things ourselves quickly. Patience and realizing I couldn't fix it was a turning point for me. The book referred to - The Power of a Praying Wife - was wonderful inspiration for me. Five months of Plan A is a long time. When you feel your respect and love for your wife starting to go away,you need to consider your Plan B. Plan B is for you and is meant to protect what feelings of love you have left for your spouse. <P>When I left the home, I was ready for Plan B. Thankfully, it never came to that. <P>All you can do at this point is focus on yourself, your child and your Plan A. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Dear Hopefulone,<BR>I agree with Janie. Six months is a long time for plan A. Don't let it take a toll on your health. Plan B is there for you if you are feeling a loss of love and respect by being a "doormat". There is so much pain, heartache, and confusion coming through in your writing. I pray you find peace and comfort soon.<p>[This message has been edited by devotion (edited June 22, 2001).]

I feel strongly that your little girl must be considered what is best for her<P>I am not sure what you will decide but she needs her mother and father to come to some kind of agreement that is stable for the child<P>I feel that you are being hurt and cheated upon<P>I certainly must tell you I would not tolerate such behaviour from my marriage partner and would opt for a peaceful stable atmosphere for the child and for you<BR>and feel you should look for counselling for yourself immediately and for your little girl as she is looking at the example of her parents and will definitely have an effect on her behaviour<P>She cannot help helself<P>Yes you can give it all to Jesus as he can heal any relationship but God helps those who help themselves and sitting wondering what to do and listening to many different opinions I found in the end confused me more than ever<P>You need support here from one source<P>A human source<P>Perhaps your minister or you find one to talk to<P>Someone serious enough to help and guide you in every way<BR>than only relying on people's opinions and they are good but I feel for your child's sake and for your emotional health you need a personal counsellor<P>Carol<BR>

I agree totally here and feel it is time for you to seek counselling immediately for your emotional health and stability<P>See your medical doctor and let him refer you to professional counselling for you and your daughter<P>How much more strain are you going to take in before<BR>you break<P>Be careful of the taking her back advice<P>First both of you go to the doctor for examination<BR>and tests for sexually transmitted diseases<P>Protect your physical health and emotional<P>For you own future's sake and your child<P>Carol<BR>

Divorce is permitted by God when someone has had an affair as a matter of protection for that person eg Aids manifesting itself now or in the future<P>It does state in the Bible that the person is permitted to find someone else in the case of Adultery<P>God hates divorce but hates adultery also<P>It is one of the commandments <P>Do not commit adultery<P>It does not say that if you commit adultery the partner may come back to you<P>It says the partner is set free because of adultery<P>You never know who that partner who had the affair, has slept with it could be many of many having the promiscuous attitude to sleep with someone's partner who is married and leading them into sin<P>Why should the married adulterous partner be shown the open blanket<P>the marriage bed must be kept holy<P>How can an adulterous, physically joined with someone else parnter be welcomed back to join physically in the marriage bed which is supposed to be kept clean and holy and the marriage partner who had the affair has that person they had the affair with, in their mind<P>That is not a Holy situation but adulterous<P>I feel this man in question should see a Pastor about this and get a trained and professional opinion instead of being knocked around like a ball<P>He has incurred enough abuse from his adulterous sinning partner who is no example for the child<P>Carol

PS <P>I have respect for your patience<P>Seek a pastor<P>And take it only to him<P>Don't keep looking all over the place for answers<P>I did it and got very confused<P>Go to one person only<P>For your peace of mind safety security and your child<BR>