Is the grass ever greener? Do affairs end up in a happy relationship? <P>My H has asked me for a divorce and seems to be happy with the OW at times and seems to be miserable at other times. He always cries when he sees me, can't stand to be in our house (he is living in his co apartment and wiht her), has lost weight, and seems to go bach and forth between wanting her and wanting me. When he sees me or even when we do talk, he tell sme that he can't stop thinking about me and he thinks he might be amking a mistake. <P>I am hoping that having her as his only relationship will help him see the truth of the situation, so I have cut off all communication with him except for care of our dog, yet he still leaves me messages about finances and ohter things, trying to get me to talk to him. We have been separated for three months and I just filed for divorce a week ago because he said that he wanted a divorce, but I still hope that he will realize his mistake and want to come back to me (of course giving her up and getting counseling.) <P>I am trying not to let him play with my emotions, so I have told him that he made his decison and he will have to live with it, becasue I am afraid that he will want me and her at the same time. I hope that the interest in this relationship will die after I am out of the picture. I hope that we will not get divorced, but I realize that I need to move on with my life and not cling to any false notions of reconciliation. Ae they false notions? Does the OW ever make a man truly happy? Does he really want a divorce?

No dear the grass always turns brown then the devil sets it on fire and laughs. Can they be happy? No they will always wonder if they can so easily hurt someone that loves them so dearly, why wouldnt they do the same to me. There will never be any real trust. If your husband has the Lord in his heart, and has become a prodigal, it will tear at his insides until he breaks down compleatly. Especially if he sees you still love him and would accept him back when he turns his entire heart back to you. You have no choice but to get on with your life. But to call giving up on a marriage getting on with your life, well thats a lie straight out of the pit of hell. This is a God sized problem and takes the mighty hand of God to restore. Trust God and not all the voices and advice people and family will give you. Trust in the words of God. God hates divorce and never calls it getting on with your life, he calls it lack of trust. If we dont believe God is capable of restoring our lives that the enemy has come to destroy, then we flat out dont truly trust God at all. Is anything to great for the Lord? NO Lord i lift this sister up to you and ask that you would give her your strenth to stand and believe againts all circumstances that you will restore and do the impossible as your word says. Lord we know it will be in your time and not ours, so we let go and trust in you until your work is finished. Give her rest in you thru this Lord. draw near to her and encourage her when she becomes discouraged by the lies and schems of the enemy. In Jesus name, Amen<BR>Mark

Thanks for your faith in God. You should know that we sought pastoral counseling and they made it really clear that he was doing the wrong thing in God's eyes and that he needed to give her up and come back to me. He went away for a few days to decide whether or not he was going to obey God or live his life in premeditated sin. You obviously know what decision he made. He admits freely that he is living in sin, and he has also stated that he thinks that it is possible that God sent to him and that he will ask and recive forgivenss when he divorces me so that their union will be blessed by God. I think that part of the problem is that he doesn't have God in his heart, so I wonder of this will truly eat him up inside or if he will be so completely taken over by the devil that he will not feel the sting of sin anymore. I know that God can do all things, but he will not change a man's heart against his will, and my H has made it clear so far what his will is--to be with her. Pastoral consel has also told me to move forward with the divorce given that he has hardened his heart against me and the marriage. He has also shown little remorse for what he has done, which has made this unbeleivably painful. In fact, he is very open about their relationship and frequents places that we used to go to with her. In addition, he equates the fact that we are moving towards divorce as an end to the marrriage and does not see his actions as a continuation of adultery. I thank you for your parayer and wonder what your experience has been... <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lostpup:<BR><B>No dear the grass always turns brown then the devil sets it on fire and laughs. Can they be happy? No they will always wonder if they can so easily hurt someone that loves them so dearly, why wouldnt they do the same to me. There will never be any real trust. If your husband has the Lord in his heart, and has become a prodigal, it will tear at his insides until he breaks down compleatly. Especially if he sees you still love him and would accept him back when he turns his entire heart back to you. You have no choice but to get on with your life. But to call giving up on a marriage getting on with your life, well thats a lie straight out of the pit of hell. This is a God sized problem and takes the mighty hand of God to restore. Trust God and not all the voices and advice people and family will give you. Trust in the words of God. God hates divorce and never calls it getting on with your life, he calls it lack of trust. If we dont believe God is capable of restoring our lives that the enemy has come to destroy, then we flat out dont truly trust God at all. Is anything to great for the Lord? NO Lord i lift this sister up to you and ask that you would give her your strenth to stand and believe againts all circumstances that you will restore and do the impossible as your word says. Lord we know it will be in your time and not ours, so we let go and trust in you until your work is finished. Give her rest in you thru this Lord. draw near to her and encourage her when she becomes discouraged by the lies and schems of the enemy. In Jesus name, Amen<BR>Mark</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Dear DMSFC,<P>There is a wonderful website that I think you should check out. I believe it will give you the support and encouragement you need. The website address is: <A HREF="http://www.rejoiceministries.org" TARGET=_blank>www.rejoiceministries.org</A> <P><BR>Roxy<BR>

Hi DMSFC, My experience has been real similar to that of Hosea's marriage to Gomer in the book of Hosea. One of the worst. My wife in the begining of our seperation told me that it was Gods will for her to leave me. She also said she had peace. well she left with an ex-con junkie that got her into shooting methamphetamine and her heart became as hard as a heart could ever be. She was living under a delusion. I have also experienced so called pastoral counciling , with the same kind of advice. Non biblical advice. The bible can be twisted to mean what people want to hear. In the original text it wasnt adultery, it was fornication, meaning that you could divorce on the grounds of your mate having sex before the marriage. Jesus was talking to a large group of people that all sinned in that way. Jesus was saying divorce was permitted by moses because your hearts were hard, to a people whos hearts were beyond the hardness moses was dealing with. Jesus goes on to say it is not the will of the father, for he created them man and wife, and the two shall become one and let no man come between them. When i first found out my wife was unfaithful, i was devestated and told God , why wasnt i honored for being faithful. God then said, yes you have been faithful to your wife, but unfaithful to me, many times in your life, yet i have forgiven you and accepted you back every time. I was humbled and asked the Lord to love her tru me and teach me how to forgive. You see the Lord was telling me unforgiveness was just as bad as unfaithfulness, and no i didnt want to ear the truth of the matter, i wanted out. But i choose the narrow road and it may be the hardest, but its the one that gives God the most glory. Ive been seperated for 3 years and my wife has finally hit bottom and turned her life back to the Lord and also to me. We are not under the same roof yet, but God is doing a mighty healing and we soon will be a family again. What has happened inside of me is nothing short of a miracle. The fact that i can still love her with all my heart. Most of the pain of what shes done is gone, and we may love each other more than we ever have. We may have free will, but God made us and knows how to break us so we turn back to him. He will not loose even one of His. My wife had to be brought to the point of literal death by a drug overdose and cirrosis of the liver from Hep C and drug abuse. She told me she didnt hit bottom this time, the bottom hit her. I keeped praying and never gave up. My wife wanted a divorce at one point so she wouldnt feel the shame as much of what she was doing. I just told her i would stand in front of a judge and tell him, i didnt think being able to cheat and use drugs was a good reason to divorce. Then i would of said i loved her and forgive her , no matter what she has done. She took me seriously and never filled-lol. We still have a ways to go, but Gods hand is upon our lives and He will finish the work He has started. Trust God and not man. I hope i have encouraged you some. This is a very difficult road, but somebodys got to walk down it. At 4000 plus divorces a day, it doesnt appear as many are. The Lord will show you the way. Ask Him.<BR>Mark

I thank everyone for their replies. It is confusing to me how various Christian leaders can have different perspectives on divorce. All of the pastoral counseling that I have received has been biblically based, which is why I have trusted in the advice. While thay agree that God hates divorce, they say that God did make provisions for it in the case of adultery. Fornication, from what I understand, was a word used to clarify within the context of divorce any sexual contact within the mariage with anyone else--not what soemone had done before marriage. Hundreds of years ago the Jews defined adultery very narrowly--as sex between a married Jew man and a married Jew woman, so sex with, let's say a prostitute, was not considered adultery. So in the Bible, the word fornication was used as an umbrella word for any sex act with anyone outside of the marriage. It's intersting because my home Bible study group devoted last week's session to this topic to clarify it biblically. <P>I have received consistent advice based on Bible passages and now I am wondering where in the Bible God commands that divorce is not an option under even adulterous circumstances. I also went to the restore website and was surprised that the advice was to not have a lawyer and put yourself in financial jeopardy if your spouse decides to divorce you. When Jesus was speaking to the apostles when he sent them out to minister, he told them to be as agentle as a lamb but as wise as a snake. I belive that if your spouse wants to divorce you and be with the other person, you should continue to pray for the restoration of your marriage, forgive, focus on your relationship with Christ, stop pursuing your spouse, and make plans to move on with your life after the divorce (and not date.) Moving on with your life given your spouse's will to divorce to me means making sure that you have a place to live and that your are o.k. financailly. With this you need help from a lawyer. I think you can walk a fine line between trusting God and doing nothing that He would want for you to do. God wants us to take care of ourselves within His will, and that doesn't mean not having someone help you as a lawyer while your spouse is divorcing you. I think that people use lawyers as a way to exact revenge, but if you are fair and right with God, that will not happen. <P>So are people who do not belive in divorce under any circumstances advocating that you fight your spouse on the divorce (waiting for God to change his/her heart), try to drag it out, and have no legal representation? Doesn't that go against what they say about letting your partner go ? <P>And again, I go back to the notion of free will. My H is not saved and has clearly expressed his desire to do what he wants over God's will. God can continue to put pressure on him, and I hope that He does, but ultimately my H has to make the decision, and as for now that decision has been to divorce me. I have been encouraged greatly by the testimonials and I hope that my husband will be one of the one's who wants to come back and be in our marriage. In the mean time, I am moving forward as he wishes with the divorce and focusing on my relationship with God. <P>Please kep telling me about God has deivered marriges out of thsi bondage, as it has given me hope that had been waning in me. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lostpup:<BR><B>Hi DMSFC, My experience has been real similar to that of Hosea's marriage to Gomer in the book of Hosea. One of the worst. My wife in the begining of our seperation told me that it was Gods will for her to leave me. She also said she had peace. well she left with an ex-con junkie that got her into shooting methamphetamine and her heart became as hard as a heart could ever be. She was living under a delusion. I have also experienced so called pastoral counciling , with the same kind of advice. Non biblical advice. The bible can be twisted to mean what people want to hear. In the original text it wasnt adultery, it was fornication, meaning that you could divorce on the grounds of your mate having sex before the marriage. Jesus was talking to a large group of people that all sinned in that way. Jesus was saying divorce was permitted by moses because your hearts were hard, to a people whos hearts were beyond the hardness moses was dealing with. Jesus goes on to say it is not the will of the father, for he created them man and wife, and the two shall become one and let no man come between them. When i first found out my wife was unfaithful, i was devestated and told God , why wasnt i honored for being faithful. God then said, yes you have been faithful to your wife, but unfaithful to me, many times in your life, yet i have forgiven you and accepted you back every time. I was humbled and asked the Lord to love her tru me and teach me how to forgive. You see the Lord was telling me unforgiveness was just as bad as unfaithfulness, and no i didnt want to ear the truth of the matter, i wanted out. But i choose the narrow road and it may be the hardest, but its the one that gives God the most glory. Ive been seperated for 3 years and my wife has finally hit bottom and turned her life back to the Lord and also to me. We are not under the same roof yet, but God is doing a mighty healing and we soon will be a family again. What has happened inside of me is nothing short of a miracle. The fact that i can still love her with all my heart. Most of the pain of what shes done is gone, and we may love each other more than we ever have. We may have free will, but God made us and knows how to break us so we turn back to him. He will not loose even one of His. My wife had to be brought to the point of literal death by a drug overdose and cirrosis of the liver from Hep C and drug abuse. She told me she didnt hit bottom this time, the bottom hit her. I keeped praying and never gave up. My wife wanted a divorce at one point so she wouldnt feel the shame as much of what she was doing. I just told her i would stand in front of a judge and tell him, i didnt think being able to cheat and use drugs was a good reason to divorce. Then i would of said i loved her and forgive her , no matter what she has done. She took me seriously and never filled-lol. We still have a ways to go, but Gods hand is upon our lives and He will finish the work He has started. Trust God and not man. I hope i have encouraged you some. This is a very difficult road, but somebodys got to walk down it. At 4000 plus divorces a day, it doesnt appear as many are. The Lord will show you the way. Ask Him.<BR>Mark</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hi DMSFC, If i wanted to i could easily find something in the bible to suit and justify my giving up on waiting on Gods time and divorcing. Many read the bible with their own mind and understanding, which is clearly warned againts in the bible. Im talking pastors and councilers, etc. Not just us regular folks. We are to ask the Holy Spirit to help us understand the bible. The devil is a master at twisting the scripture and tried to do it with Jesus in the wilderness in Matt 4. I dont believe my wife ever really knew the Lord until a few months ago, when she gave her life to Him. I have learned that someone that has been divorced will not understand what the spirit has to say, cause they have already made up their minds of what to believe and justify accordingly. You will find them at your bible studies im sure, as i have. Narrow is the road that leads to life, and wide is the road that leads to destruction. How many take the road to marital recovery? Not many. Why? cause its trusting in God to do the impossible most of the time and painful. Its laying your life down for another as Jesus did for us. I would highly recomend getting alone with God and crying out to Him with all you have until you get an answer from Him as to the direction you need to go. This takes a lot of patience and time with the Lord daily. You need to let go of all the voices and justifications and ask God to show you the Truth by His Holy Spirit. We always run into trouble when we lean on our own understanding and you will find very few voices out there that arnt full of confusion. If i had a nickle for every person that told me i had a right to divorce i would be a rich man.And they used the bible as justification. I became very hated by many in my last church cause my situation was worse than the ones they had when they divorced and they couldnt understand why i didnt give up and move on like they did. Jesus had the right to divorce us, yet went to the cross instead. Lets just look at His example. What glory does God get when we give up and move on to another marriage and live happily ever after if that were acually possible. It took a while for me to find the balance of letting her go and still trusting in God to restore. About 2 years. Im not going to tell you this is an easy road. But neither was the road Jesus took. You can build treasures and happiness here, or build them up in heaven. We seem to forget that we also have a free will. Gods also looking at our hearts and choices. I believe any marriage can be saved, but it depends on how long one is willing to wait on Gods timing and how much prayer are we willing to put into it. I pray that the Lord makes it real clear to you as to the direction you need to go and that He gives you the strenth as He promises to move in that direction. I also pray that God gives you peace when you know His will for your life. In Jesus name, Amen<BR>Mark

<BR>You said you have been to the restore site. Have you read the book? God spoke to me thru this book and I got something I could not find anywhere else...hope! If you a haven't read the book you can't fully understand why the advise says to get rid of the lawyer. The book is all based on God's word. I really learned a lot from the Restore book.<BR>I prayed for God to show me His will for my life and He led me to the <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>www.restorem.org</A> site. I learned more about God's word from that one little book than I have from anywhere else. I have so much more wisdom than I did before. I praise God for Erin and her testimony. The site Roxy mentioned is also good...all based on God's word.<P>The site is not about trying to hold on to someone but about letting them go and trusting God with your marraige and your life. It has given me a new outlook on life.<P>I found the site a few days before my pretrail hearing. I posted a prayer request to stop the divorce. God led me to not show up for the hearing. Praise God my husband didn't either. After I read the book, I let my attorney go. It has been a year and still no divorce. My husband has even gotten mad at his attorney and now says he will have to get a new one when he gets the money. I don't chase him. He has slowly came back around me and we now have a good relationship. He stills says he is not coming home(I don't ask he brings it up)but I know he will be home in God's time. None of this will really make sense till you read the book and I pray you do. Seek wisdom...not the world.<P>gentle

The Bible says to Trust in God and not man. It also says not to go down to Egypt for help. I consider that an Attorney. Get rid of the lawyer. save your money. Your going to need it to put your family back together.<BR>Mark

I have to say the part about a lawyer is hard for me too, but I wasted a lot of money on a lawyer. I also thought about the part about being careful. It's very hard to interpret the Bible - people have been arguing over it for centuries. I also believe that God gave us a brain to think with so we can't just sit back and let Him do all the work. It is hard for me to understand how much I have to do and how much He wants to do for me. I know exactly what you mean about that.<P>I do believe that He wants you to be with your husband and He wants us all to be back together in a relationship based on HIM. My husband is not a believer either. I do believe in my heart we will be together in Heaven because God knows I wouldn't enjoy it as much without him. If that means I have to suffer a lot on earth - okay. It's nothing compared to eternity for him.<P>I also don't think you should file for divorce. If your husband wants to file, let him but don't you be the one to do it. Also, I agree not to fight about money.God will take care of you. He wants you to trust in Him and Him alone. It's funny but I wasn't going to write that and I had to go back and change it. He wants us to trust in HIM ALONE. <P>That's the catch for all of us. We insult God by not trusting in Him completely. Gentle and Mark are good at it and I am not so good at it. I have a hard time understanding if I'm just being lazy or being trusting!!<P>Keep searching...the Truth is there for you. I'll be searching with you! Much love...<BR>

Dear Trying, im not as good at trusting God as i would like to be. You seem to be growing so much thru this all. We are all going to grow thru this kinda trial, and be closer to the Lord. Just when i think im totally trusting in God with it all, He finds another area to test me in. This fianancial one is very difficult. I cant say i fully trust God with finances. He alsways has provided my daily bread, and right now, thats about it. I really cant wait to get to heaven, cause this life really sucks, putting it bluntly. Its like one big war that we are in and thats acually true. Its Light againts Darkness. Im just going to continue pressing on,and continue to learn to trust God fully. Live or die, im walkin with the Lord. I will pray and not give up, until He heals and restores. <BR>Mark