Ok, so he takes off out of our home 9didn't know about an affair with a teenager at work until my BIRTHDAY two weeks later when I saw them together....UGH! Lost our home and everything, intervened with her family, she is now 1500 miles away and it's over...he wants to talk to me, but wants me to CALM DOWN first..the longer I wait the angrier I get, meanwhile he is SCREWING other people tells me His business is his and I shouldn't think aboutit THEN tells me he loves me and wants to rebuild on what we have now..BUT to forget the past HAH! He wants to talk but then gets REALLY abusive and angry...wants to shut doen hearing any pain from me...ges more abusive...but if I am calm he is fine...talk about a mental torture chamber..where the hel right does he have to be abgry and abusive towards me I need his love and compassion to even BEGIN to talk whether or not this EVER works out again, I would like answers...or do I have enough already and should just get on with it...but I have a deep deep love for my husband and he has done nothing wrong in 10 years...he got caught up inthis thing when I became ill...I am better now...*sigh* help...how do you crawl over to someone bleeding in pain to ask for help only to have them scream at you....what do I do..? Thank You..Also, have any of you experienced anger from the one that had the affair...thanxs

Yeah, I think most of us have experienced that anger from our betraying spouses--maybe in different ways, but it's still there.<P>I think it's the guilt. They don't want to "feel" guilty, so they dream up something to be angry with us about so that they will feel "justified" in doing what they did.<P>My H had periods of anger at me for years. I can remember when it first started; I was totally bewildered, but I now think that he may have started cheating then.<P>Just over 13 years ago, he contracted an STD from a bar slut and passed it on to me. However, he still denied, denied, denied. And, for the past 13 years, he has been angry at me--telling me, when I brought up the STD, that I must have been screwing around on him, that I was crazy, that he or I must have picked the STD up from a toilet seat. And, I've realized (from counseling) that I've been angry with him because he had cheated, I knew it, and because he was lying and being so hateful toward me and treating me like I was some kind of fool.<P>He is still somewhat angry with me--maybe because since he finally had to admit that particular "fling", I now "have something on him", or something...I dunno.<P>I still have flashes of anger, but I try not to show it. Mostly it's grief and frustration over the fact that I don't believe he's told me everything.<BR>

My H is angry at me constantly, no matter how calm I am. He recently was apparently angry with me for offering to pay off part of our debt - even his lawyer doesn't understand how he could be angry about that. <P>I think my H is incapable of showing guilt in the normal way, so he becomes angry.

My H showed anger at me before I even knew of his infidelity. I now know it was the guilt eating him alive. Once he told me I responded in an extremely calm way. Mostly due to shock. Now and again some anger still appears on his part but again I feel it is his feelings of quilt and dissappointment he has within himself for having done this. It's difficult I know, but patients is best in this matter. Good luck, I'll be praying for you.

I saw my W with the OM in his car a while back and when I confronted her with this fact, she went ballistic. Like most betrayers, she denied it, even though I told her I was certain it was her because her car was parked nearby (I'd already checked the license # to be sure it was hers) and I actually watched her get out of OM's car and into hers. So there's really no room for doubt. The only thing she could do was act like I had to be making up this story. Since then, I've repeated what I saw to her several times, and each time (like the other night) she blows up when I tell her (CALMLY!), "I know what I saw." (She's still mad at me for this one.) Not only does she get angry, but she tries to make out like I'm the crazy one when it's really her. Unbelievable!<P>The way I figure it, if a betrayer wants to keep on with their affair but stay in the marriage - as I'm sure my W does - they HAVE to deny it. (Confessing would mean they'd have to give it up or at least have to hear about it endlessly.) And I think their anger at being confronted is also a way of trying to bully the betrayed into shutting up about it. My W is a world-class emotional bully, constantly using her anger to manipulate me. Well, it won't work this time, babes. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

JBF:<BR>The problem is that Anger begets Anger. The madder you get the more mad he becomes as a defensive measure. The problem is that although the betrayed have a right to be angry, they often carry it on too far. As Wexwill put it "endlessly". <P>It doesn't matter how terrible a person is, he/she isn't going to just stand there and be browbeaten without sooner or later coming out swinging.<P>It's a paradox. You need to vent your anger and yet you need to remain calm if you want things to work. So once you relieved yourself of your anger, put it aside and work on the marriage. It does little good to say you "want" to work on the marriage and then lovebust all over the place.<P>If it's more important to you to retain all the bad feelings and to continually share them with your H then I foresee a day when you won't have anyone around to share anything with.<P>Oh, and the original question was "Why is he angry at me"? We'll only you can answer that one. While it is possible that this is ALL his fault, that is not usually the case. However, too often the betrayed takes a holier than thou attitude and won't admit to doing anything wrong. Maybe you should ask your H why he found it more comfortable to be with the OW? His answer might surprise you, but then again, I think not.<P>Of course, this is just my opinion.<P>Flip<p>[This message has been edited by flipper (edited November 24, 1999).]

Flipper,<P>I appreciate your response, you have insightful things to say, but at the same time Ifeel a slant as if you are coming from a postion of being "the OM/OW" ...so my response to your question why was it "easier to be with the OW will be answered after I say this....I know her and she's cut it off with him as he lied about everyhting and she hates him..I am lucky in the respect that she has apologized profusley to me and she is now 1500 miles away inthe care of her family where she should be before any further harm could be done to her (he did hurt her)...I have showed compassion towards her as it is not about her...she is in the "middle" of our emotional problems and she got hurt too..she did...anyway, it was easier for him because it was difficult to fight through what we had to to get to health and he caved....actually your post did stimulate my thinking so you did help me...I think pro and con responses are good as they put you in a postion to defend yourself and you come up with your own answers to your problem... anyway, I am more intellectual he is more emotional...so we react differently to stuff..again you have helped me as in my thoughts of how to respond to you I am coming up with answers for my situation... <P>

JBF:<P>I think you missed th point of my reply and just hit on the last sentence. I was just trying to render an opinion about the anger part and that led into the other area. <P>However, the anger part is still the issue, isn't it. No I'm not the OP but it doesn't matter. It's all about anger and how we display it. I just needed some insight into who is getting angry first and why you even need to keep getting angry. It's kind of like sticking your hand in the fire and getting burned and then doing it again just because you need to be reminded of how much it hurts.<P>If he lied and cheated with the OW then that is something for him to deal with. If he lied and cheated on you then that is something you have to deal with. Do you really want him to "pay" for what he did? If so, how much and how long? He might be willing to pay your price and then again maybe not. If you REALLY want your marriage to work, don't make the price so high that it hurts too much to pay.<P>Flip

JBF,<P>I thought I was the only one who was dealing with a teenager as OP. Two things come to mind. The fantacy of a teen seems to be a super strong obsession, and it's purely an addiction. See some of my other posts tell me if you can relate.<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>