My wife of over 20 years is divorcing me. I love her. We are born again Christians who don't believe in divorce. We met with our pastor and he heard everything on both sides. He believes our marriage isn't that bad. We have a 12 year old son and a daughter who is almost 15. I tell my wife that they will be hurt but she doesn't think they will. There is no other man. I don't want our marriage to end.<P>What do I do?<BR>What do I do about the loss of emotional attachment? How can I fill that void?<BR>Should I make female friends?<BR>

To answer your last question first, NO. You don't look elsewhere for female companionship if you don't want your marriage to end. You look for the reasons your wife wants to end it.<P>If you haven't already read everything you can find on this site, you need to. If your wife is willing, bring her here, too. <P>If your wife, who doesn't believe in divorce, is filing (or on the verge of filing) for divorce, there's a reason. You may or may not be able to do anything about it, but start with the Emotional Needs questionnaire, Plan A, etc., as described here. Threats of divorce are often desperate attempts to get one's spouse to pay attention to unmet needs. <BR>

Joe:<P>Your situation is exactly like mine. Only difference, I am the W and my H is the one who left, filed for div. and we were married 20 years (had anniversary 3 weeks before he did this). We are also both born-again. I know exactly where you are, I was there only 1 month ago.<P>Please listen to the advice you have been given. I believe God led you here...this is the ONLY place you will hear what you need to heal your marriage. It may take time, tho. It may take a LOT of time. Your situation did not get like this overnight (neither did mine). I did not want to hear that. I also could see "signs" afterwards that I had ignored before he left.<P>Believe me, I KNOW how you feel. I KNOW what you are thinking and wanting to do. The ONLY thing you need to do right now is study and READ on this site. And when you are NOT on this site reading and studying and posting questions, then PRAY. Really, really, stay close to God. Closer than you ever thought possible. That is the only way to know God's plan for you. It is NOT divorce! I know that, you know that. God hates divorce. You also know God's plan is perfect. His timing is perfect. It's also very rarely OUR time-table, so get set to wait this out.<P>There is a lot to absorb and learn on the MarriageBuilders Home site, but don't delay. DON'T DO ANYTHING until you have read and understood it!! Get the Harley's books (His Needs/Her Needs, and Surviving An Affair). Even if your wife did not have an affair (my H did/is), there is valuable information there about restoring love and trust in your marriage.<P>I'll be here if you want to rant, rave, scream, have a tantrum (we've all done it). I feel so bad for you, because you and I are almost the M & F counterparts to the same person (your W and my H). So stay connected, and DON'T DO ANYTHING until you read and learn. I'm so thankful God led me here. I would've messed up BIG TIME if I wasn't here getting expert counsel.<P>Your sister in Christ,<P>Lupolady<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lupolady:<BR><B>Joe:I appreciate your answer. The prospect of being with her (she has filed for divorce) with her not caring that I exist when I love her so much is very terrifying. My lawyer says (he is also a Christian) that we could be together in the same house for 2 1/2 years to a much longer time. She also has allowed her family and friends to think the worst of me, which is also very hurtful. But what to do about the emotional void I just don't know. My children can't fill it. I've gotten closer to God but can He fill the emotional void I have?<P>Your situation is exactly like mine. Only difference, I am the W and my H is the one who left, filed for div. and we were married 20 years (had anniversary 3 weeks before he did this). We are also both born-again. I know exactly where you are, I was there only 1 month ago.<P>Please listen to the advice you have been given. I believe God led you here...this is the ONLY place you will hear what you need to heal your marriage. It may take time, tho. It may take a LOT of time. Your situation did not get like this overnight (neither did mine). I did not want to hear that. I also could see "signs" afterwards that I had ignored before he left.<P>Believe me, I KNOW how you feel. I KNOW what you are thinking and wanting to do. The ONLY thing you need to do right now is study and READ on this site. And when you are NOT on this site reading and studying and posting questions, then PRAY. Really, really, stay close to God. Closer than you ever thought possible. That is the only way to know God's plan for you. It is NOT divorce! I know that, you know that. God hates divorce. You also know God's plan is perfect. His timing is perfect. It's also very rarely OUR time-table, so get set to wait this out.<P>There is a lot to absorb and learn on the MarriageBuilders Home site, but don't delay. DON'T DO ANYTHING until you have read and understood it!! Get the Harley's books (His Needs/Her Needs, and Surviving An Affair). Even if your wife did not have an affair (my H did/is), there is valuable information there about restoring love and trust in your marriage.<P>I'll be here if you want to rant, rave, scream, have a tantrum (we've all done it). I feel so bad for you, because you and I are almost the M & F counterparts to the same person (your W and my H). So stay connected, and DON'T DO ANYTHING until you read and learn. I'm so thankful God led me here. I would've messed up BIG TIME if I wasn't here getting expert counsel.<P>Your sister in Christ,<P>Lupolady</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Joe,<P>Don't worry about the emotions right now. The most important thing is to remain STILL and close to God so He can do His work. <P>"Be Still and Know that I AM God."<P>My H's family is actually part of the reason he left. They (apparently) were told Horrible things about me (from him), so they figured he needed an "out" so they fixed him up with old girlfriend from before we married. He has been to attorney and sent me divorce papers to sign. I want NO ONE else now, anyway, so best to just leave it in the Lord's hands and pray.<P>Yes, I am lonely. The funny thing, is if my H had approached me for sex while he was here, I usually had an excuse. Now? Now I can't wait for him to want me again!! I am feeling VERY lonely, and undesirable. But I know it's all part of God's plan, and it is probably (can't second guess the Lord!) part of His plan to make me desire my H again when he returns so that I don't shut him out again, which is the main part of why he left.<P>Don't think in terms of 2 1/2 years. God's plan is perfect. He may return your W sooner, you just have to allow God to work His perfect plan for your life. Don't try to put a time-table on Him. It takes as long as it takes. I know this. I know it takes as long as it will take ME to learn my lessons!! Yes, MY lessons. I know God is dealing with my H, but I have absolutely NO CONTACT with him. I can imagine him being joyful and "In Love" with his old flame, but you know what? I don't know that. I don't need to know that. Maybe he isn't joyful. God isn't allowing me to know anything. I just need to be where I am so God can fix ME. Most of the time I am joyful being where I am, cause it means God can work on Me and I am (trying) letting Him take care of the Marriage.<P>What lessons God is teaching my H aren't for me to know now. In His perfect time it will all be revealed to me, but it isn't my business right now, cause I ain't perfect, and God has A LOT of work to do on me, so I can't be looking over God's shoulder at how he's "healing" my H's hurts from our marriage. That's what God does best! Heals people! SO let him!! And let it start with YOU!!!!<P>Praying for God's peace for you.<P>Lupo

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lupolady:<BR><B>Joe,<BR>Wow! I am so grateful for what you said. You sound like a prayer warrior. I am trying daily to be exactly what God wants me to be. I wasn't really trying before this happened. What a hard way to get right with God, only I have no control over my wife and I don't believe it is very likely she will do the right thing. Even an hour ago my son's little league coach, who knows what is going on between me and my wife, told me my son is "messed up" and is only "a shadow of himself as a player". Those are hard words for a father of a 12 year old to hear.<BR>I will pray for you and appreciate your answer.<P>Don't worry about the emotions right now. The most important thing is to remain STILL and close to God so He can do His work. <P>"Be Still and Know that I AM God."<P>My H's family is actually part of the reason he left. They (apparently) were told Horrible things about me (from him), so they figured he needed an "out" so they fixed him up with old girlfriend from before we married. He has been to attorney and sent me divorce papers to sign. I want NO ONE else now, anyway, so best to just leave it in the Lord's hands and pray.<P>Yes, I am lonely. The funny thing, is if my H had approached me for sex while he was here, I usually had an excuse. Now? Now I can't wait for him to want me again!! I am feeling VERY lonely, and undesirable. But I know it's all part of God's plan, and it is probably (can't second guess the Lord!) part of His plan to make me desire my H again when he returns so that I don't shut him out again, which is the main part of why he left.<P>Don't think in terms of 2 1/2 years. God's plan is perfect. He may return your W sooner, you just have to allow God to work His perfect plan for your life. Don't try to put a time-table on Him. It takes as long as it takes. I know this. I know it takes as long as it will take ME to learn my lessons!! Yes, MY lessons. I know God is dealing with my H, but I have absolutely NO CONTACT with him. I can imagine him being joyful and "In Love" with his old flame, but you know what? I don't know that. I don't need to know that. Maybe he isn't joyful. God isn't allowing me to know anything. I just need to be where I am so God can fix ME. Most of the time I am joyful being where I am, cause it means God can work on Me and I am (trying) letting Him take care of the Marriage.<P>What lessons God is teaching my H aren't for me to know now. In His perfect time it will all be revealed to me, but it isn't my business right now, cause I ain't perfect, and God has A LOT of work to do on me, so I can't be looking over God's shoulder at how he's "healing" my H's hurts from our marriage. That's what God does best! Heals people! SO let him!! And let it start with YOU!!!!<P>Praying for God's peace for you.<P>Lupo</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

HA!! ME A PRAYER WARRIOR?!?!?!? Joe, that's the funniest thing I've heard in a very long time. No, I didn't seek God's face like I should have for a long time, altho have been a Xn for many, many years, this is a shame to me, and I've confessed it to the Lord.... the truth is, when this all happened, I knew where I needed to be, where I should have been all along, and now I guess God IS turning me into one...<P>It's the only way to win back our WS's. We've got to hold them up to the Lord all day long. Yes, your W is in with evil people, Satan's scum. So is my H, but they are HIS FAMILY!! Yes, you're worried about your children, and your W's safety, happiness, etc. But you have to believe GOD IS IN CONTROL...until you DO know it and believe it - LISTEN TO THIS JOE.... UNTIL YOU DO KNOW THAT GOD IS IN CONTROL -- ARE YOU LISTENING??????<P>UNTIL YOU KNOW AND BELIEVE THAT GOD IS IN CONTROL. . . . .<P>GOD CAN'T WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE IN THE WAY!!!!<P>Sorry to have to shout at you, but get it into your head. Get OUT of God's way!!!!!!!!!! He's got a plan. WE have a Plan A and Plan b, and they work, BUT God's plans are SOOOO much higher and better than ours!!! LET HIM WORK!!!!!!!!!<P>This is precisely WHY you must become a prayer warrior...you must pray a HEDGE of protection around your W and particularly around your children. You said yourself, you son is starting to "act out" because of this situation...God must be allowed to work, and prevent further damage to your children during this time. <P>Believe me, when God talks to your W, and she sees what she is doing, it will NOT be a happy day. She will have so much to be repentant for. Pray her days of sin are shortened, but beyond that, GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God must do whatever He must to get through to her. Imagine that if WE fear what God will do, what will happen to the wayward one, imagine how it must break God's heart? But it's necessary - just like disciplining your own children.<P>Get on your knees, Joe. Do it now, do it all day long, "when you rise up, and when you slumber", everytime you think of her, and after awhile, during your day, God will "remind" you to pray. He has done that to me. 'Course, then I start wondering, "Hmmm, why NOW, Lord? What's going on right at this moment?" BUT IT'S NOT FOR US TO KNOW!! So we won't.<P>Joe, at least you KNOW where your W is, what she's doing, HOW she's doing (not well). I feel at least this might be better. But maybe not. You see, I HAVE NO IDEA where my H is (well, I know he's living at OW's house), but have NOT gone over there, have no idea if he's working, or sick, or well, or who he hangs with, or if he's drinking (again) or smoking (again). Don't know anything. And God (apparently) needs to keep it that way for me, in order to work on my H. I HATE IT!! But now I see what you are going through, I think maybe it's better this way. I don't think I could stand watching WS self-destruct like you are. That's the beauty of Plan B. You DON'T watch. You go in the other direction. Gives you a reason NOT to stay attached. If she wants to give you time with your children, arrange it through a mutually agreed upon 3rd party. Get AWAY from the situation with your W. It's causing you too much pain, and nothing can get accomplished.<P>Sorry for writing so much. Sometimes I just can't stop. I think you get the idea. I'm still praying for your WS and especially that you have peace about your children in all this.<P>Lupo

Have any of you ever gone to:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>www.restorem.org</A> <A HREF="http://www.rejoiceministries.org" TARGET=_blank>www.rejoiceministries.org</A> <P>I am in the word everyday and visit these sites daily, all have been an encouragement to me during my stand.<BR>I was saved this past October, so I feel as if I am still a babe, but there is so much I still need to learn, but I can tell you this..God will restore my marriage and he will for you too.<P>Barb<BR>morriggs@yahoo.com