Been in Plan A for about the past 4 months since my late June discovery of my wife's affair with a coworker. She is still in the indecision stage concerning where she is heading. <P>Though I see continuing positive signs that she will eventually decide to stay, is there a downside to this lingering limbo. I'm willing to make things as good as possible for her and our family during this time, but a times I have many doubts. <P>There are times when I just cannot understand what she thinks about and how she could even consider giving up the life she has. We have two teenage boys and any such revelation that mom & dad were having problems would be devestating. <P>So after some rambling, my question. Is it better that the betrayer is confused and continues to "debate" in their mind what they want, and does the period of time reflect a decision that may be made.<P>I know that when this first came to light there was much talk of separation and divorce by my wife. As time goes by those topics do not come up anymore. That's the basis for my question. <P>I appreciate any insight and experience that can be shared.

What's the situation with the coworker, still involved, could be the reason for the indecisiveness (sp)

Paul, yes there is still verbal contact at work. That is a major part of the problem, but I hope that will end soon. Supposedly he is trying to find a new job. He also is going through a divorce that will be finalized in late 1999/early 2000. That's part of the problem with him getting a new job, he doesn't want to give up more money tp his wife. He told his wife after I discovered and she started the divorce when he indicated he wasn't willing to work on their marriage. She dropped him in short order. <P>Basically for us, my wife is trying to decide what will make her "happy." Why is it that this is so often the response they have but insist on making their life and so many others unhappy because of this choice they have made?<P>The night my wife told me about her affair, (I asked if there was someone else because she was acting so different), she said "I just want to be happy, what makes you happy?" I answered that "I already have it," and she looked at me so surprised. It's amazing how they look elsewhere for happiness when it's inside your own person. Up until almost 6 months ago I thought I had the world by a string. It's truly amazing how things can change. <P>Anyway, yes there is still contact, and I know that has an effect on her. I also believe that he is becoming impatient, probably even more so than I am because his world is really upside down right now. He is in an apartment, divorcing, and waiting on someone who really has no commitment to him. <P>My wife comes home every evening, we have dinner as a family, do things together, and lay down beside each other every night. Except for the 10,000 lb. gorilla with us, our lives are pretty much the same as always. No one, except for her sister, knows in either of our families. She certainly hasn't made a move to be with him since this has been revealed. <P>I read somewhere that someone has been doing Plan A for nearly a year and that they are finally starting to see results. I know that I don't want to wait that long but right now I'm getting pretty good at not lovebusting, and I see improvement in her and her reactions to me. I think it's just a matter of time for her, it's just an incredibly slow process. <P>I did read somewhere that if the discoverer hopes that the marriage will survive, he should know that confusion, as opposed to certainty, is a good sign. It went on to say that the probability that ambivalent partners will decide that they want to remain in the marriage is relatively high. <P>I guess I am looking for some experiences that reflect these situations and reflect positvely on our situation. I'm sure you know what it's like to see a silver lining in the gray clouds.

You wrote: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I read somewhere that someone has been doing Plan A for nearly a year and that they are finally starting to see results. I know that I don't want to wait that long but right now I'm getting pretty good at not lovebusting, and I see improvement in her and her reactions to me. I think it's just a matter of time for her, it's just an incredibly slow process.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yup, it is. Four months is not long in the general scheme of things when dealing with infidelity. The fact that there is still contact at work is a major factor in indecisiveness. Your patience and dedication to saving your marriage by using recommended techniques is what is needed to achieve what you want: a healthy marriage.<P>Even after she makes a decision to commit to the marriage and you feel that you are well on the road to "recovery", your patience and continued dedication to the principles of marriage building will help to keep the marriage healthy and loving. Use all the tools available from this site and others (http://www.divorcebusting.com http:://www.lighyourfire.com and more).<P>Technically, at this point her affair still continues if she is having any contact with the OM, particularly if it is not limited strictly to the necessity of conducting business. I can't say enough about the need for patience - it takes a looooooong time, and you're just beginning, really.<P>Wishing you a quick and loving resolution to your situation ... <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<BR>

I'm a betrayer and the guilt alone makes me very confused. I left my H and married OM. Huge mistake and now I'm trying to leave and want to reconcile with my ex. I wish my ex would have fought harder for me, I know I made the decision....I also wish I found this website a lot sooner when we were having problems in our marriage. Be patient, loving, and supportive. Read this website, check out his books. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.<P>PS I live in Columbus too!

waitinB,<P>I too am in Plan A... although under less desirable circumstances... W and OM are living together... <P>Consider yourself somewhat more fotunate. Although... after discovery my wife was like your's for 5 1/2 month's and then off she went.<P>Is there any chance you can get her.<BR>1. Into counseling with you? (counselor who goes with Harley's methods)<BR>2. Have her commit to recovery/rconciliation?<BR>3. Have her join the MB forum?<BR>4. Consider learning of the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>? through <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A>.<P>Your W's confusion is in general a good thing... but for there to be <B>real</B> progress... she has to decide {whether she is leaving OM!) You can't force her decision... but you can show her that <B>you</B> have changed to meet her <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>!<P>That confusion may be a recognition of changes in you... but it may take more time. I don't about "one year" though... it could be. For me that is just <I>too</I> long... I'm patient... but not that patient. My discovery was in April... I'll be going to Plan B in Jan/Feb of next year... (have had a <B>solid</B> Plan A from September only... a weak Plan A since discovery.)<P>Prayers for you...<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Thanks for all the words of encouragement and thoughts. <P>terri...I know we'll have a long road once she decides what she is going to do. That's one of the things that seems so unbelievable, we aren't even to that point of working on us yet, just trying to hold on to get that chance. I think it will be very uplifting to my spirit to be working on our relationship rather than being in limbo land. I know it will be much better for me then. <P>I agree that it will be important to maintain my present attitude once we start recovery. Heck, that really isn't different than our relationship was before. I think however, we are both more attuned to each other now, talking more, spending more time together, and doing things together that were often done individually. The way she is reacting to me makes me feel good that she is noticing changes in me as well<P>Big Dog's Wife...Funny, some of our friends call me the "big dog," even her brother. <P>Anyway, i think her guilt does get the best of her often. She has almost continuous headaches and stomache pains, and also wants to sleep a lot. I know these things will stop once her fog clears. <P>I know she appreciates all that I am doing for us at this time. Just this past week she started cryuing as I was holding her one morning. She said "I can't believe how patient you have been with me. I know it's hard to wait but I'm trying to get us back to normal." You can't believe how good that made me feel. I know I've been waiting for even a small sign the she can see the effort and has an understanding of what I'm willing to do for us. I'm willing to suffer quite a lot for my family to survive. <P>NSR...I amtrying to avoid a separation at all costs. I really feel for your situation. It seems that a separation is no guarantee for the results that I want. I think I'm a lot better off with my wife coming home. I really don't see her leaving and think I realize that I'm strong enough to pull us through until she realizes what she has. As Dr. Harley says...nearly all affairs end, and I want to be there when that happens. I've read that it is normally the betrayed who has a choice about keeping the marriage intact, and my decision is to fight for my family. <P>Yes we are in counseling, both individually and jointly, though right now it is more individual. Our counselor noted that what she is dealing with are more her issues than things that deal with me or our marriage. I get the feeling from our conversations and my reading that this is more MLC than anything else. <P>I've printed from this and other sites and also given my wife selected chapters from some of the books I've read. I try to make the info non-offensive but she still isn't interested in reading. She says, "I'm not to that point yet," whatever that means. I think this is typical of some of the denial that goes along with their fantasy. The counselor says this is normal and just give her time. He calls her a work in progress, so I'm just waiting. <P>The counselor doesn't particularily ascribe to Harley's methods, but I think he has a definite plan that we are working through. Earlier I had some doubts about his stategies but I do see things progressing, so I guess I'm comfortable for now. <P>Like you say, I can't force a decision. My thought is that slow change is better than no change. I also keep several comments in mind:<P>Change that occurs in stages is usually more permanent than those made hastily.<P>When you demand a decision, remember that forcing something to bloom before it's time will kill it. <P>You can be patient because you want to meet your spouse's needs -- and one of the needs right now is not to be pushed. <P>I know that I've come so far since June. So has our relationship. I wasn't really lashing out but there were days when I was lovebusting and didn't understand my role in getting us through this. <P>Over 15 years ago I promised to love my wife forever. Until she tells me differently I'm standing by her during this crisis. I know we can get through this and have a better relationship when we get beyond this because of our hard work. <P>I really appreciate all the thoughts and comments. It does me more good than you will ever know to read and respond to your thoughts and comments.