Just thinking, What else is new. Has anyone else heard these statements from betrayed S, <BR>"You will be glad this happened, this has made me a better person, it has opened my eyes, ...It made me realize how much I love you...Just watch my actions from now on...<BR>This is the best thing that ever happened because I am a changed person....Our marriage will become better than it ever was......<P>I guess the problem I am having with these statements is, All the work I put into this marriage and the patients I have had all this time(years)didn't get through, it took having sex with someone else to wake up. I feel like all the time, effort, love, patients, affection, etc. failed when some stranger in ONE night of sexual pleasure breaks all the barriers I worked so hard to destroy. I guess I am somewhat jealous of the fact that I put in all the work, giving and giving and<BR>waiting and hoping and it took H being unfaithfull, destroying my trust, my confidence, my sexual ego, and my faith in the exclusivity of our relationship of intimacy to make HIM a better person, Husband and Father?<P>Does anyone have any opinons on this? I would appreciate feedback. Has anyone else had this said to them and if so what where your feelings and thoughts on this. I'm trying to work this out. And I am still confused. How is it that a man who had someone in his life who gave him everything to meet his needs jepordize it all for sex with a stranger? <P>I have asked him if I wasn't meeting something concerning his needs. He said I did but he thinks that his consuming interest in porn contributed to this act. Which now he claims is not an interest anymore. Right now I am not sure what to think about that.<P>I welcome any advice, suggestions, etc.

I have said that to my wife.<BR>I feel that is my way of saying-"wipe the slate clean". we both have made mistakes. I love her with all of my heart, whether or not she beleives me or not- or cares- i feel that towards her. I wanna be there for her - if and whenever she decides. I am sorry- as I am sure she is- that we are both in this place, and i know part (majority) of this to be my fault.<BR>I feel like tere is so much more i can say- but the words do not comne out. I hope I have helped with some perspective.

I have watched you post and have seen the content go from being lost, to optimistic, to trying to find something or someone to explain the whole mess (current).<P>You are letting this overwhelm you, perhaps you can't help it. Never the less it is. Your H loves you, you are the one that told us he did. You love him, again you told us. You are trying to get immediate answers that may not be there. There is no quick fix for the recovery of infidelity, ask K, ask Sir Hurts Alot, ask Wexwill, ask alot of people here.<P>Give it time, but during that time try not to destroy the love that you have between you. Infidelity is like a virus, it will infect your marriage and destroy it. If you let it. You wouldn't go to you Dr and tell them your sick, ask what to do, and then go home and sit and get sicker would you? No, you would listen to his advice, get the remedy he has given you and fight the virus to the best of you ability.<P>Fight the virus, fight the disease. Don't give up on your marriage and don't destroy it by not letting him in. He made a mistake, he knows it and you know it. I'm not saying get over it, I'm saying give it time. Allow him to try and win you back. Allow him to try prove his love. After all, he is trying, right?<P>We'll help in any way we can and I will continue to remember you in my prayers.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Well, I doubt you’ll be “glad,” even if you DO wind up with a marriage better than before (and I’m living proof it’s possible). Grateful things have worked out so wonderfully, but I think it’s despite the affair, not because of it. Sometimes such an eye opener is necessary, on <B>both</B> your parts.<P>About the only comment I have is on...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>All the work I put into this marriage and the patients I have had all this time(years)didn't get through<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Maybe you need to realize that what YOU thought of as constructive work wasn’t what your H saw. You were meeting what you <B>thought</B> were his Emotional Needs, but you weren’t meeting his <B>actual</B> needs. This does not, of course, excuse the affair, but if you don’t know what the needs are, how can you possibly be putting all your work into the right place? <P>You need to use the tools at your disposal, so history does not repeat itself. Find out the needs, and meet them if at all possible. Make your life so good that neither of you ever becomes “lost” again, and if things start to go that way, you have the ability to find yourselves again, with each other this time.<P><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Thank you for your response. I guess what I don't understand is why he chose to do this instead of respecting me and our marriage. He knows he could talk to me. But didn't give me that chance. Throughout this marriage I feel I have had to pay for what others did to him. I don't feel he ever saw ME. I feel that now he has satisfied this curiousity he is ready to focus on me and our marriage. <P>I guess what I'm trying to get at here is why did it have to come to this to make him wake up. I don't know and maybe no one does. Yes, he wants to 'wipe the slate clean'. It just hurts so much and I am struggling with the pain of knowing that he desired to have someone else instead of me. It makes me feel so insecure right now. And of course there are the fears of will he have these desires again and act on them? Call me stupid, but I honestly did not have a clue that he would ever do this. There was nothing esle I was more sure of that he would be faithful. Talk about Rock your World. I guess I am trying to figure out a man's phyche. Was it just one of those male things? Too much alchol,<BR>someone appealing flattering you, making sexual comments, and the temptation is too good to ignore? If this is the case, can any man ever be trusted?

devastated2,<P>Sorry your H's words hurt you so much.From a differnt perspective, I would be THRILLED to hear such words from my H - means he would love me and want to work on our marraige again - but he doesn't!<P>Your last question: "Can any man be trusted?"<P>Well, I believe that those of us who have experienced infidelity - betrayers, betrayed and OP's - OUGHT to have learned something from all the pain and anguish endured. The events happened - nothing will ever take that away, unfortunately. The real CRIME would be to NOT HAVE LEARNED some really big lessons here. If your H is truly contrite, which it sounds like he is, and both of you work really hard to LEARN from this, chances are you 2 would not experience this again. There are, unfortunately, NO guarantees in this area!<P>Roll Me Away

Okay. Your right Paul and WhoDat. I'm thinking too much. Sometimes it does overwhelm me and I can't help it. I do want to trust H and it is hard. Especially when you feel so insecure. I feel I lost something so precious, but then I say to myself that I guess I never really had it to begin with. At least not like I thought or this wouldn't have happened to us. Yes, I do love H and am in love with him. I also have been questioning my ability to be loved. An<BR>ego thing? Thinking if I were or had been enough......I think you all know what I mean here. However, I must get stronger and more confidence. Relax, Take a deep breath and allow time to show me, us just what we can accomplish. One day at a time, one emotion at a time. Not easy, but must not lose focus. Thanks for helping me refocus. I'm being impatient with myself and I have to learn to step back and not let my thoughts concentrate on all the wrong. It's just that sometimes I feel like I failed. I am the betrayed and I am feeling this. I keep all of you in my prayers and I am thankful for each and everyone of you.

I am sorry you H is acting this way. I pray God will touch his mind and heart. Your right, I should be thrilled but hurt is still too fresh perhaps. I'm trying to get past it, at least put it away so I can focus more positively on what REALLY matters here. A man who loves me and wants to become a better person for himself and me. I am lucky and I am trying to feel that. I just hate(as any of us do) all the emotions and fears that come at us from all sides at once. Right now I have to learn to take control of that. I'm fighting for that. <P>My prayers are with you and I hope your H realizes what he has lost and stands to gain by giving your marriage and you a chance. <P>Prayers and Hugs.....