Yesterday I did something I probably shouldn't have & I think I may have ruined my marriage once & for all. My H had an affair on me May 29, 2001. Now he wants a divorce. He said he doesn't know if he loves me, he's dead inside, & nothing means anything to him. He said I've caused him to not love me & not want to be with him anymore. He said it was NOTHING about the OW. He says why would I have had an affair if our marriage wasn't already over. I have been following Dr. Harleys plan & counselling with him. My H stopped last week. He said no one can help him. Anyway to make a long story short. My H had agreed several times to work on our marriage and stop contact w/ OW. Well, it has just been getting worse. Lying, sneaking ALL the time. Sometimes he takes off and doesn't come home until 1:00am through 2:00am in the morning on his days off. Sunday I caught him in another lye so I drove past OW house. He was there. He had to talk with her to see if the things again he heard about her were true. He was there from 2:30pm through 6:30pm. I called my sister-in-law and told her how hurt I was AGAIN. She said I have been very understanding & by my H doing this he is betraying me, our girls and entire family. She said she would pack some things & drop them off at her place. I did this. My H came home last night & said he was filing for divorce on Tuesday, July 10, 2001. He said he loves me but he has to move on. He said he doesn't care if we have to sell everything, go bankrupt and everyone talks bad, or who gets hurt he said if he has to think of him "self" & if he comes out of this feeling an inch taller that would be great for him. I said I love him, the girls love him & we want him to be part of our family. Our twin girls are only five years old. They are a lot of work & they are VERY active & busy learning. I told my H I couldn't work full-time anymore if I will be the only parent living with them. My H got kind of upset & said there's no judge that would allow me to work part-time or give me more money because I have always worked full-time in the past. He said he wants our acreage & I could just find some other place to live so the girls can keep their pony. He said I WILL continue to work full-time, too. He was so nasty then he was nice. He said it's not about the OW at all. He said I just don't understand. I said what I understand is that he's NOT ever tried to work on our marriage, the OW was always in the picture. He said he's tried for MANY years on our marriage. I said I never knew we had a problem besides the normal marital problems.<BR>He said he doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel & he doesn't feel he ever will. He said he has some what of a relief knowing he's leaving this marriage. He left last night & stayed in Motel. He told our girls he would be gone four sleeps. He left yesterday, I told him I love him & will miss him. He told me the same. He called later on that night & said he got the rest of his stuff from OW house & is in motel room. I told him his mother came to stay with me. He got REALLY upset & said we agreed not to involve them anymore. His mother got on phone & really chewed him out. He told her he was going to hang up because he was getting too upset & had to get ready for work. He was upset that I made them be on my side. I know he really hates me now. My mother-in-law watched the girls today & my H came home to get some more t-shirts. He said he was going back to talk to his dad. I am really scared he letting him know he is really done with me & the marriage that they will have to start getting used to it because my H can NOT do it anymore unless he goes CRAZY...I need LOTS of prayers I feel like this is all my fault. I know I have done wrong in the past but I truly want to keep my marriage, I love my husband. My H said we should have gotten help along time again & he probably should NOT have ever made the marriage committment. I told him he can NOT look upon the past because right now we have a lot of future depending on this we have twin girls. He thinks he will be much better father if he's gone, he will ALWAYS be there for them. I wish I didn't feel SO scared. The only people I have talked to about this is my H's family, they are all I have. So they of course have listened to me & is upset with my H. But all I did was tell the truth. My H is VERY upset that I brought them into our marriage AGAIN. <P>Needing lot of prayers feeling like it's over,<BR>LOVEMESS

I tried to post to you earlier but my connection got messed up midstream. I know it's very hard to not see a reply immediately,but hopefully you will feel a bit better once you read this. I have prayed for you. <P>First let me say that most of us are in or have been in your shoes to some degree or another. <BR>Please continue to read and review Dr. Harleys books and also if you can get the restore marriage books it may well help you-they are online at( I think) <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org." TARGET=_blank>http://www.restorem.org.</A> <P>They are realllllly hardline but like anything take what you need. What I found most interesting was the contentious wife bit. They also talk about not following your husband or tracking him and his whereabouts. I did everything wrong when my h had his little affair. I even went so far as to meet her and tell her off! <P>I now know that this is NOT the way to go. But at least you are praying hard about it and that is the BEST thing you can do. Please read your bible and seek out other like-minded women. I have been fortunate enough this time to get encouragement from some dear friends of mine. PRAY and ask everyone you know to pray for you and your family. <P>It is sooooo hard,but the Lord Will lift you up and give you everything you need. I am in the midst of my husband moving out,getting an apartment,filing for separation,and generally doing life without us as a family. <P>I have only managed to get through because of prayer and the grace God has given me. But I will tell you for free this is THE hardest thing I have EVER done. But God was very specific for me: Let go of him. I will fix it. Let's work on you. I will take care of it." I also was graced with having this confirmed by no less than 3 good christian friends of mine. God and only God can turn a person's heart. <P>Anything you do without his guidance will not last.<P>I know this and I am trying to be obedient to His direction but it is hard. <P>Please,please don't make the same mistakes I did. <P>Read everything you can. Books on restoring your marriage,stopping a divorce, anything,but especially scripture. Counseling with or without him would be in your interest as well-if you can afford it. <P>Furthermore,so you understand where I speak from: We have been married for 14 1/2 years together for 15 1/2 have 2 kids, a nice house,good jobs,for outward appearances "The Cleavers" but you know, I have done everything around/in/for my husband for YEARS to the point that he had no place here. Essentially, I immasculated him. Why would a man come home to a place where EVERYTHING is done for him?<BR>He is not perfect but I can only address MY issues,and failings and you can as well. <P>Please continue to vent here and seek out GOD. Goodness knows where I would be right now were it not for Him. <P>Oh, and one more thing. I noticed you said you had called your sister in law or somebody and had support there. I did this too but when we go out and get help it may well feel good to vent but be very careful who you talk to because it can easily backfire and put you on the rollercoaster of He said. She said. This may well seem right and helpful but when your in turmoil and need reasssurances its easy to call mutual friends who talk back and forth and get stuff wrong and you get hopeful, then depressed,then angry,then hopeful,....and on and on (done that too). This is not the work of GOD. God will lift you up,put good supportive christians in your path,just ASK HIM. <P>I hope this helps at least a bit.<BR>God will bless you.<BR>LKD

Hi Sweetie - <P>I have been there too. I thought I would die from the pain of it - I almost ended up in the hospital but I was afraid to lose my daughter so I made myself stay well.<P>This was in January. My husband moved out in May. He's living with someone - same girl.<P>Luckily, I don't know her name. Luckily, I didn't call her. Someone called the other day anonymously to tell me where they lived but that only made me feel worse.<P>I can tell you that life is very good right now. I am living alone in peace and prayer and growing closer to the Lord, also thanks to this forum.<P>I feel sure in my heart that our marriage will be restored. I stopped trying to fix it or to talk him into staying or discussing the why's of his situation. I don't care about it. He is under the influence of the bad guy and so nothing he says is relevant right now. It's just air. I don't listen to it, don't ask for it, don't want to know.<P>That is what saved me - NOT TALKING ABOUT IT. <P>The less said, the better I feel.<P>I think the Restore books are excellent too. They tell you not to be a cop and they're right. It just makes you feel worse and brings you down to the level of the A's. It's so juicy and tempting - but it just brings sorrow. <P>I want you to know you will feel peace. You have to let go and give your husband to God. Pray to your H's guardian angel and to Jesus to not let him die in the midst of this and to bring him back to Jesus and to you.<P>I know that the pain is real, the pain is there and you are going to suffer but Jesus will take away 70% of the pain if you let Him.<P>Your suffering is going to bring a lot of people to the Lord so thank Him for that opportunity. When you get to Heaven, you'll find out who you helped and why this happened to you. <P>It is so cool to be with Jesus and watch situations adjust. Just look back at old parts of this forum and you'll see the miracles He has wrought out of the ashes.<P>God bless you and your twins on this day. Always praise their father. He will come back. <P>

I will add my .02 here and say that the blessings you will receive from STAYING in God's will are far better than knowing what your H is doing, and where he is, and who he's with and what his family thinks about what he's doing,e tc are worth it! You have 2 little ones to think about right now. You can't change your H's heart anyway, so quit trying. It IS validating that you are not wrong to talk to people, but that won't change a thing. Only God can reach him and change him, so start talking to God about changing YOU! You'll feel better, and you'll know exactly what you need to know about where your H is. God will reveal as much as you need to know, and nothing more is required. I find this the hardest thing, to not know where he is, and how he's doing, and IF he's wanting to speak to me (he doesn't), but the more I dwell on it, the harder it is to accept. I accept the FOG state that he's in right now.<P>I pray, I believe God's promises. God HATES divorce, so I am believing God's promise that if He hates divorce, he will not make this M end in D. I am standing on that promise (and others) - and by standing, I am telling others to "watch a miracle" and my H WILL return. This is stepping out in faith, and God will work it out. I can't. I certainly can't make the impossible possible, but God can!<P>I know that is how I'll know I am in God's will. When I can go out and strongly proclaim a victory on God's word before I see the outcome, I am trusting God totally. Of course, then I have to come back into my prayer closet and make sure God has wanted me to stand on that promise or whatever, but it helps ME stay strong and close to God, too, cause the LAST thing I want to do is have someone turn away from God becasue I assured them God would do a thing, and it turn out otherwise.....but when you claim victory in God, you can never be proven wrong. It may take some time, that depends on YOU. How much are you willing to let God have of your life to work this out? It may hurt, think of it like surgery. Yes, there's a lot of pain at first, but the sickness that cause the surgery to be necessary MUST come out, and only more pain at the front end will bring about the best results at the end.<P>Praise God for all things UNseen that He will perform for us!! Praise God that He holds us dear, and that He loves us and will give us the desires of our hearts, if we love Him.<P>Big storm rolling in....gotta get off before comp. gets zapped.<BR>Lupo