Yesterday was one of the worst days yet. I went home on lunch hour to get mail. The cell phone bill came. The total was $310. I saw all the phone calls to OW home # & work #. The day my H went to his first divorce lawyer appointment on June 25 at 2:00pm, I saw she called him at 1:40pm then she left a message at 3:06pm & 3:08pm then my H called her home # & talked for 25 minutes. My is not good at looking up numbers & he even admitted that the OW gave him the lawyer #. Then on July 10, 2001 at 10:00am was his second lawyer appointment. He told me that Sunday that he was filing. I still have not seen any paperwork yet though. If you see my other post under PRAYER he has been living in hotel since Sunday, July 08, 2001. Not me or any of his family know what hotel. But I found out by accident because my H called me, then hung up so I did *69 & got the number. Then my H called immediately right back on his cell #. Anyway, after I got the cell phone bill on my way back to work I drove past the OW house her car was NOT there. I drove past the hotel and my H truck was parked out back and her little white car was parked right beside it. She sleeps during the day too because she works from 7:00pm - 3:00am. My H works 11:00pm - 7:00am. I was so sick to see her there with him. So after work last night I went to talk to some friends who work with my H. I am really close to them. The one lady used to work third shift with my H as a police officer but now she's first shift. The other lady works as a dispatcher with the OW. They are very christian people. They are sick & say they have been praying for us. I told them I was there to talk about this OW, what kind of a person is she anyway. They filled me in on a lot of details. She is a VERY conquering men person. She's cheated on her H many times. She brags that she can have any man she wants. She even told one person she works with that she could even get their spouse if she wanted. She actually tried too. How sick. She is NOT a lady. But my H seems to think she's it no matter what people say. My H told me straight out that if I could find hard proof that she is what everyone says she is that maybe he would try our marriage. People have been telling & telling my H things but her turns right around & goes to her & asks her, her side of the story. Which then he believes her again. I don't know what to do. I was given a suggestion last night that since there is so much phone calling between them at work if someone would mention this to the lead dispatch person this could be ended because all the calls are recorded. The OW has been in trouble and even suspended for all her trouble she caused with men and her flirting. In the last 18 months that she's been separated from her husband she has been with four men now mine makes the fifth. She got two of the men fired that she conquered. One of them got reinstated though. She's even gotten her own husband suspended from the police station. I have heard several times that they consider her dangerous and not 100% all there. I heard this from a lawyer who used to work with her at a bank, her husband & someone who works with her. I can not win. As soon as I tell my H something from my heart he goes right to her & she brain washes him more in her own inocent evil way. Someone even said that she's even to the point where she is considered unstable mother. Her H has the kids all the time. SHe doesn't know what she wants. I know she in her own way is very demanding to my H. My H believes its all me. It has NOTHING to do with the OW. My H thinks our twin girls will be just fine & he'll be a better father. He doesn't care if he loses everything, his home and everything else we have on our acreage. We would have to probably go bankrupt. Our twins love our acreage I love it. I just want our family back. My H said he has to only think of his "SELF". He doesn't care who he hurts what he loses or what finanial situation he would be in, if he comes out of it feeling an inch better he said it would be worth all of that. He said actually he already feels some what of a relief in his mind knowing that he is going to be done with his marriage. <P>I poured out my heart in a letter to him. I told him the only thing that I'm going to tell him about the OW that hurts me because it involves our little twin girls too. I told him that she said (bragged) that she was my H's consolor & made him believe things in his marriage & now he's getting a divorce and she was the "HOME WRECKER" and she does NOT care. What kind of a person is this thats proud they are ruining peoples lives including little children. I gave him this letter & card on Monday. Then yesterday, Wednesday, July 11, 2001 she's in the hotel room with him. He tells her everything I say & probably lets her read everything I give him to get her opinion of it because she's been through it & is the only one who's helped him. That's what my H thinks but she's filling his head with things like she thought it would work too in her but it doesn't. She's even told him that counselors told her sometimes marriages were not meant to be basically so that's what my H thinks. He said he doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel in our marriage. He basically said he knows what the outcome will be, that he won't ever see the light either. He loves me but has to move on. I am absolutely going CRAZY, I've lost my H & now I will lose my home & everything else I love plus it just kills me that our twin girls are going to suffer the most of all. They love all their farm animals, especailly their pony. What can I do? <P>The friends I went to talk to last night gave me a suggestion, since my H & OW call each other ALL the time at work that someone could tell the lead police dispatch person about it because ALL calls are recorded. Since the OW has a track record of this behavior anyway & has been suspended for it too something would be done. My H's cousin owns her own hair salon & wanted the OW's name to get information on her too. Last night I was drinking some wine at our friends house. (Our girls have been at Grandparents house because Fair is going on) I don't drink much & it affected me. I did something VERY sinful last night. I called a person who I used to work with who's my age. He always asked me to set him up with one of my friends. He's a really nice guy. I called him asked if he was seeing anyone. I told him my best friend just got a divorce & I wanted to set them two up. He was excited. He said to get a hold of him next week. This week he's busy working on his house pouring cement. This is true about my best friend but she's already seeing someone. I wanted to ask him if he would be interested in seeing me if I get a divorce. I started to think I wouldn't care about a divorce. Because this guy works a normal job Monday through Friday, he's funny, nice looking, never been married, plus I know him. My H is a police officer & has a messed up schedule. <P>Today I really feel TERRIBLE, I'm no better than my H or the OW. I'm trying to find bad things about her & was thinking of talking to another man. I am SO SINFUL. I've gotten too many people involved and it will probably all backfire. I just do NOT know what to do. I can't just NOT do anything & lose my love of my life, home & family.<P>My H thinks it all me. He said he's asked me to go to counseling many years ago & I didn't want to go. He's NEVER asked me, I swear on a bible. I have a good memory too. He said he's felt dead inside for years. He doesn't know if he can ever let go of those bad feelings he has about me. He really thinks it's all me. I know I've done some hurtful things but he's making me out live a devil.<BR>WHY WHY WHY......<P>LOVEMESS

LoveMess,<BR> I have been watching your situation for about 3 weeks now. I am going to say something that is going to sound very MEAN, but it is the truth.<P> You need to stop what you are doing. you are running around to everywhere and everyone, "What should I do? What should I do?" You have been told what to do on this forum. You should be Plan A'ing your H. You should be PRAYING to the Lord.<BR> You should GO HOME NOW, SHUT THE DOOR, GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES, and PRAY. PRay. PRAY. PRAY. DO NOTHING except PRAY. <BR> The poeople on this forum have told you over and over what to do. You are not doing it. You are pushing your H further and further away. He doesn't CARE what you tell him about this OW. He doesn't HEAR YOU!!! He's in a fog....everyone here knows about the fog. You need to STOP what you are doing, and let God handle it.<BR> Talking to all his co-workers about him and her is NOT "covering" him, as the Lord tells us todo with our Loved ones when they sin, we are to "cover their sin" - NOT expose it. If you keep up the way you are going, you are NOT going to get what you want (a restored, happy M) - you are going to get what Satan wants - ANOTHER DIVORCED home, and unhappy children.<BR> Please pray, then go back and reread what I said again. I'm sorry. I'm a very blunt person (one of my personality flaws, I guess), but I'm trying to help you. I see you doing EVERYTHING wrong. And then after you do it, you write to us, "I know I shouldn't have done it, but...WHAT DO I DO NOW???"<BR> Very soon you are going to push your H SO far away it WILL be impossible to get him back. Stop pushing. Stop trying to prove you are right. I doesn't matter right now. What matters is that you return to God so He can begin healing your M. It won'thappen until you quit cruising around and "finding" your H and OW together and them telling everyone about it. <BR> I'm sorry, but that's all I've got to say to you. I have NO words of wisdom for you, because you have gotten words of wisdom, and you refuse to accept them. I went back and re-read every single post from and to you again, and you have done NOTHING you have been advised to do. You keep doing the opposite and expect different results! It won't happen!<BR> I'm sorry to smack you over the head in your time of extreme pain like this, but you're only making things worse for yourself. The pain will only increase if you keep this up. Please talk to God about it and NO ONE ELSE.<BR> Lupo

I have to agree with Lupo. I couldn't even finish reading your post because the first paragraph bothered me so much. You are out playing detective when you need to concentrate on yourself and your twins and trust the Lord. <P>Don't find out anything more about this woman. It is a spiritual battle you are in. The rest is pointless. Keep your eyes on the Lord and ignore your husband's words. <P>Don't doubt. It will be okay if you let the Lord take over. I wish you all the best.

Lovemess,<BR>My heart goes out to you. I sense the panick and hysteria throughout your posting. I understand how hard it is for you to see your husband with the OW. I was fortunate<BR>in that for 3 out of the 4 years it took for my husband to break off his relationship with the OW, "I" didn't know she existed. He made a cleaver smoke screen plus I trusted him with all my heart.<BR>But even when I finally found out, I knew it had to be his decision to WANT to come back to me. She too was a co-worker and I too could've made waves at work for the two of them but it would have served no purpose. He might have just put even more blame on me. Besides, I wanted him to come back because he WANTED me and our marriage. He's told me many times that he would not except an "alternative" from me, bottom line. I found it served no purpose being bitter or spiteful towards OW. She was just being used by Satan to do his dirty work.Put the blame where it really is. On Satan! It's a spiritual battle! You really need to give all your anxiety, fear, and insecurities over to the<BR>Lord.This is too big for you or anybody in the same situation. They have allowed Satan to use the two of them. They NEED your prayers. Trust what Dr. Harley says about the fact that "MOST affairs die a natural death. In some cases, it's the lover who ends the relationship, finding the wayward spouse isn't living up to expectations. And in other cases, it's the wayward spouse who ends it, when the disadvantages of the affair begin to outweigh the advantages. Regardless of who ends the affair, it usually happens when the affair becomes more trouble than it's worth.....Because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness, they rarely survive. The same self-centeredness that creates an affair is also responsible for its destruction, because no relationship can survive long without honesty and consideration." End of quote from Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, his daughter. For my husband and the OW it was both of those examples that led to them ending it and<BR>as a result of answered prayer and my trust in the Lord.<BR>I also believed God's word. That He hates divorce. So if He was willing to show that much love and compassion for the divorced, how much MORE would he honor those who TRUSTED Him to bring HEALING to their marriage!<BR>But it wasn't just those things that convicted me. It was the fact that I had learned the hard way. I didn't trust the Lord before we were married for His will & TIMING for <BR>my husband and I to marry and so we've suffered for the last 26 years because of it. So I knew I HAD to give Him the chance this time to do His will in this. Not mine.He is just waiting anxiously for you to do the same and allow Him to do what He's cabable of doing! For example Ephesians 3:20 says "Now to him who is able to do immeasrurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Our kids need the assurance that God can do anything if we just let go let God. <BR>Lord, please help Lovemess trust you for restoring their marriage in your time. Help her to wait the time it takes for their affair to self destruct. Reveal to her whatever she needs to learn from this trial and that you love and care about all that she's going through and that if she is willing to trust you, you will turn it around for good.<BR>God bless her with hope and a peace that You have everything under Your control.<BR> Lord I also ask that You come against Satan and reveal his lies to her husband and the OW so they can see they are only being used as his instruments. That they have no hope for an honest relation-ship built on Satan's lies. <BR>Supply Lovemess with the support and resources she needs at this time to help her through the time it takes You to turn things around. I ask all these things in the power of Jesus' name. Amen.<BR>Love in Christ, ONTHEMEND<BR>And if I can just add one more comment, when I quoted Dr. Harley as saying "no relationship can survive long without honesty and CONSIDERATION", it blew me away to hear the word consideration. I remember remarking to my sister over the 4th of July camp outing that if there has been one HUGE difference in my husband since we've been 'ONTHEMEND' is that he is so CONSIDERATE of how I feel now! You have no idea!! It's the little things that really count. He's been feeding my dog and cat in the morning and lets the dog out so that I don't have to get up that early in that I am on shutdown this week and don't have to work. He makes sure if I haven't gotten the coffee pot ready the nite before that he gets it ready like I have done a million times for him. If he's making the breakfast, he makes sure I get the best egg like I've done for him so many times. Those are just a few! So hang in there, it will be worth it!!

Dear Lovesamess, You are torturing yourself. I agree with lupo and Trying. You really need the peace of God right now or you will end up with another man yourself. Most of us have gone thru very painful situations and understand what you are feeling. Many of us have made many mistakes along the way also. I would let go of your husband right now and give him to God. Continue to pray for him and learn to forgive. Ask God to love him thru you, and ask God to have mercy on him and ow. Remember she may not make it to heaven for her sins, but you will, cause your a child of God and your sins have been forgiven. This ow is just the thing that is going to bring your husband on his face to the ground and he will probably turn to the Lord with all his heart, when she gets thru with him. She is more than likly going to destroy him compleatly. My wifes om gave her Hep C and turned her into a junkie. she told me 9 months ago that she didnt hit bottom this time, the bottom hit her. After 3 years we are slowly putting our marriage back together with Gods grace. There is a lot of destruction and she has payed a high price but i still love her with all my heart and that finally reached her and broke her down and she is in love with me again. Her om is sitting in prison now. I really believe it has a lot to do with me learning to forgive even the om, my worst enemy. If i didnt, i would of been the one sitting in prison. Right now you need more than anything to sit quietly alone with the Lord and cry out to Him and talk to him about your hurt and pain and ask the Lord to draw nearer to you and give you His rest. Read Psalms 34 and 37 and 107. They helped me thru a lot and encouraged me. The Lord is there to comfort you and strenthen you. Dear Lord i pray that you would come and comfort my sister with your love and mercy. Give her your peace Lord and show her how near to her that you really are. Lord, you see her pain and she doesnt know what to do right now and is blinded by all the hell and circumstances. Lord , show her how real you are and calm her heart. I ask this in Jesus name, Amen<BR>Mark

You all are totally right. I have been reading lots of books, praying, talking to Dr. Harley, reading the bible and posting here. I have not trusted or listened to anyone. I just lose it sometimes because my H says he wants to give up EVERYTHING. He needs to think of his "SELF". I actually came to the same conclusion that I will leave it to GOD. This is VERY hard. Is it common for my H to not be interested in talking to me? There is no other man imaginable that I could spend my life with. My H & I have done everything together. We love the same things. He's not lazy. He doesn't sit around watching TV or at friends house. He is a true "FAMILY MAN". He will cook, clean. He does everything just as well & sometimes better than I can. Only thing that REALLY scares me is that he's in so deep it scares me. He's a POLICE OFFICER & the OW is a dispatcher they work the same shift & have the same days off. I'm scared he will endanger his life & others, that's why I really feel a strong urge to do something. This kind of A is a lot different from the normal ones. This OW has gotten written up and suspended for these kind of actions. She has my H believing things that she believes in. His mind is elsewhere at work. Remember he's there to protect & serve & carry a LOADED gun. But yet he can get suckered into believing that this OW is totally right, his marriage hasn't been good in a long time. He's dead inside & I made him. He lost his "Self" like she did. But now she's happy (separated divorce not final yet). I will leave it to prayer now. LOVEMESS <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lupolady:<BR><B>LoveMess,<BR> I have been watching your situation for about 3 weeks now. I am going to say something that is going to sound very MEAN, but it is the truth.<P> You need to stop what you are doing. you are running around to everywhere and everyone, "What should I do? What should I do?" You have been told what to do on this forum. You should be Plan A'ing your H. You should be PRAYING to the Lord.<BR> You should GO HOME NOW, SHUT THE DOOR, GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES, and PRAY. PRay. PRAY. PRAY. DO NOTHING except PRAY. <BR> The poeople on this forum have told you over and over what to do. You are not doing it. You are pushing your H further and further away. He doesn't CARE what you tell him about this OW. He doesn't HEAR YOU!!! He's in a fog....everyone here knows about the fog. You need to STOP what you are doing, and let God handle it.<BR> Talking to all his co-workers about him and her is NOT "covering" him, as the Lord tells us todo with our Loved ones when they sin, we are to "cover their sin" - NOT expose it. If you keep up the way you are going, you are NOT going to get what you want (a restored, happy M) - you are going to get what Satan wants - ANOTHER DIVORCED home, and unhappy children.<BR> Please pray, then go back and reread what I said again. I'm sorry. I'm a very blunt person (one of my personality flaws, I guess), but I'm trying to help you. I see you doing EVERYTHING wrong. And then after you do it, you write to us, "I know I shouldn't have done it, but...WHAT DO I DO NOW???"<BR> Very soon you are going to push your H SO far away it WILL be impossible to get him back. Stop pushing. Stop trying to prove you are right. I doesn't matter right now. What matters is that you return to God so He can begin healing your M. It won'thappen until you quit cruising around and "finding" your H and OW together and them telling everyone about it. <BR> I'm sorry, but that's all I've got to say to you. I have NO words of wisdom for you, because you have gotten words of wisdom, and you refuse to accept them. I went back and re-read every single post from and to you again, and you have done NOTHING you have been advised to do. You keep doing the opposite and expect different results! It won't happen!<BR> I'm sorry to smack you over the head in your time of extreme pain like this, but you're only making things worse for yourself. The pain will only increase if you keep this up. Please talk to God about it and NO ONE ELSE.<BR> Lupo</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>