This is my first time writing. I've been reading for about a week now. I'll tell you my story. My H and I have been married for 12 1/2 years. About 7 years ago we were seperated and he told me it was because he committed adultery. He had once told me that if one of us ever committed adultery, our marriage would be over because he knows that trust could not come back. I proved him wrong. He eventually came back, after about a month, and we were together for 7 years and I trusted him implicitly. About a year or two after our first separation, he told me that he really never committed adultery, and gave me some other lame excuse for why he left. I told him it didn't really matter one way or another because I had already grieved over it believing that it happened. Our marriage was good, I thought, over the next seven years. People came to us for advice. I guess that's the problem - it was too good. He was not communicating with me his true feelings - afraid to hurt me. Apparently, the whole reason he left the first time was due to my weight and insecurity with myself in our bedroom. He held this in all these years. I tried several times to lose weight, but only got to a certain point. Two years ago he told me how he felt about my weight, and I began working on it (still not knowing this was the reason he left me the first time). I got down to a size 12 and things were good. I was still trying to lose when he decided he wanted me to have another baby (our 3rd). I was taking Metabolife, and I explained to him that if I was to get pregnant I would have to quit taking it, and would probably gain my weight back. We discussed it and he agreed to be behind me 100%, knowing that I could lose the weight. Well, June of last year I got pregnant. Then, all of a sudden, he went through this dramatic change, listening to younger music, staying gone until all hours of the night, doing anything to be away from me. I was completely alone through my whole pregnancy. I only gained 3 pounds during my pregnancy due to our problems. In February, a month before I had my baby, he told me he didn't love me anymore - not attracted to me, but he would try to make it work. He said that he hasn't loved me for years. At that time, he said it didn't have anything to do with my weight, but later admitted that this was the whole reason. Well, shortly after the baby was born, we went out. While we were out, he confessed to me that he had committed adultery. He was not having an affair, but was sleeping around. I found out later that he has been sleeping around for the last 5 years. We agreed to a trial separation and on March 29 he left. Two weeks later he said he wanted a divorce. Still, he says there is no OW involved. I believe this. On May 29, I convinced him to reconsider. I am now down to a size 9, and still losing. I'm not doing this for him, but I am doing it for our marriage. I have been standing on faith for our marriage for the last 4 months, and keep fighting for it. He has been showing signs of jealousy, and we spoke on the 4th of July, and again last night. He is now telling me that he resents me for letting it go to this extreme. He has forgotten how many times I worked on my weight. He only remembers that I never got past size 12, and wasn't comfortable with myself. He says he still cares about me very much, and loves me as the mother of his children, an is attracted to me, but doesn't have that same love that he once had. He says he is trying to decide if he wants to get over the resentment. We are and always have been best friends. He was asking me earlier questions about the type of men I would see, and what I would do in certain situations if he decided not to come back. I told him he is only asking about decisions that would be made if he didn't come back, but he's not questioning anything about if he does come back. Get this - his response to me was, "I know what it will be like if I come back. It will be good because we will both be doing what we need to do to make each other happy, and I (he) will be giving it everything and it will last forever." I told him, "Did you hear what you just said? You know deep in your heart that we could make it work, and yet you are being indecisive because of your resentment. You know that it would be good, and yet you are considering hurting 3 children (one a baby), knowing full well that life would be good for us."<P>I am still standing on faith for our marriage, but I am growing weak. It has been 4 months, and I never thought my husband would ever leave me. I keep praying, fasting, and asking God to make me strong, but I just don't think I have any more strength. I see his miracles every day. My H went from hating me practically, to reconsidering our marriage and spending time with us to see if we can make it work. In a couple of weeks he has to decide if he's going to move back with us, or get an apartment. He asked me what I would do if he couldn't decide by then. I told him I would have to move out of our rental house (which I love very much) because we won't be able to afford two households. I told him at that time we would have to split the bills and he would have to pay child support. I said I would move in with my sister so I could pay my bills off and afford to get a place of my own.<P>I don't understand this resentment. I have always forgiven him for everything, including his adultery, but he can't forgive me for not knowing how he felt about my weight, or for letting myself get out of shape. Please don't think I've lost weight just for him. He's right, I was insecure. I had every intention of losing the weight before he left me, but it came off pretty fast since I didn't gain any while I was pregnant, and then through my depression. <P>I love my husband, and the thought of being with someone else or having my kids with someone else disgusts me. Plesae pray for me and my 3 sons that God will have mercy on us and bring my husband home soon, and will bring him back to God. I know that the love will come back if he could just learn to forgive. Sorry for such a long story.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless You!

May God Bless you indeed. I will hold you in my prayers.<P>Unfortunately, I have no incredible words of advice except to keep GOD close to you through reading scripture and prayer. <P>A lot of us here have similar stories-so you are not alone.<P>Marriage is sacred and I too feel disgusted at the thought of divorce or separation (which we are right now). <P>It's as though everything I thought we were working for/toward has been discarded like old shoes. <P>However, I KNOW that GOD is moving in this situation (and in yours).<BR>God does not change. Trust in God and not in the situation-and yes, this is VERY hard, but you have to do it. <BR>LKD

Hi -<P>I am having a very hard time too today.<P>In case this can help you feel better: I'm 5'6", weigh around 118-120, size 4 or 6 the whole time I was married (14 years) but my husband says now he was never attracted to me. (And I have ample reason to believe him.) He often told me he wanted me to get in shape. (Like it's so simple when you have a child, work and your husband has odd hours. Women can't go running at night like men can and we usually take responsibility for the kids so we don't feel we can just up and go to the gym whenever we feel like it.)<P>I am not thin or strong enough for him. Meanwhile, if I lose one more pound I'll look anorexic.<P>What I am trying to say is that it is not your weight and it never was your weight. When a woman feels loved and cherished, she loses weight or when she is really depressed, she loses weight. In between these two extremes, it is very difficult to do so.<P>I think that most women gain weight because they don't feel loved so they try to get "affection" from food. That's why I don't believe it was the weight issue that started the problem but maybe when you weren't getting the affection you needed, you gained weight.<P>It really is a spiritual battle because you are probably attractive to at least 10-15 men right now but not to your husband. (Or not enough.) This goes to show you that it's not a physical thing but the enemy gets in between you any way he can.<P>I am really having a bad day and would love a good cry but I can't give in to it. Don't you give in either except to ask Jesus to take special care of your husband.<P>Jesus, please lift Trusting up in your arms and hold her. Her husband is part of her flesh, according to Your Word. Please lift him up too. I know You have a lot of space in Your arms so please lift me up and lift all of us reading this. Keep us close to Your Sacred Heart today, Jesus. Remember how blood and water came out of Your Heart, Lord. Please wash us in the blood and water that come from You. Purify our hearts so that we are not hateful and only love comes from our mouths. I am sorry for my mouth today and I ask Your forgiveness for all my sins.<P>Keep us faithful to Your teachings and never let us be parted from You. Amen.

I am here too. I am praying for you right now. I wish I had some encouraging words for you. <P>I am sad because of my weight also - and it was supposedly one of the reasons for my H's unhappiness. Although, he has always been overweight himself (double-standard!!). My H is in "the fog" as we say here on the GQII forum - saying mean things and harboring resentment and anger - and totally giving up when he is NOT the kind of man to give up on anything. he totally has a relationship with Christ and believes in perseverence and faith - but not these days - he is believeing the lies of the enemey. I just want to shake him!<BR> <BR>Have you been reading and posting on the GQII forum? I'm sorry I don't remember...I've been off-line for about 3 days and trying to catch up on everyone). <P>You truly have a doozy of a story, but nothing is too big for our God. keep trusting. Learn about the principles here and plan A. I believe it will help you. Get "Power of a Praying Wife" and pray the prayers. <P>Come here anytime, and know that we are praying for each other.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I have been having a bad week. My hustand still says he can't decide if he wants to work on our marriage. Someone mentioned Plan A. What do I do in Plan A, exactly, and how long before I go to Plan B?<P>I pray and pray, and I see God's work, but am so tired and lonely it's hard to hold on. Sometimes I'm tempted to just forget it all and quit trying to wait for our marriage, but then I look at my baby and imagine him growing up without ever experiencing what a family is, a real family with biological mother and father together. My other children at least got to experience it for 9 and 11 years, but this baby has never had it. <P>It would be so much easier just to move on, wouldn't it? I hurt so much now, and waiting for his decision, sitting here in limbo, is taking every ounce of strength I have. I truly love him, but it hurts so much knowing that he can't come to a decision, the right decision, to save our marriage, at least for the kids sake. He's scared I'll get too comfortable and start gaining weight again, or he still has resentment toward me, or he doesn't think I can truly ever trust him, always an excuse. I just want to say forget it sometimes, but I can't.<P>He seems so close to coming back. Please pray for us...<P>God, I am crying out to you, begging for mercy. I am so weak and tired now, and don't feel I have the strength to carry on. In Jesus' name, I ask you to bring my husband home and do whatever it takes to bring him to his knees and back to your loving arms. Please help me to be strong today, and every day, and let something good come from him today, something that shows that my battle is almost over, Lord. <P>Please also help all these people who are looking to you to restore their marriages, as well. I ask these things in Jesus' name - not my will but thine. Amen.<P>Thank you all for listening.<BR>TrustinginGod

Hi Trusting,<P>Don't get "suckered" into getting onto his rollercoaster. Be firm and nice about what you want - the restoration of your marriage - and turn the rest over to Jesus. There is no way you will convince him to come back to you with words, just like nobody has ever been converted to Jesus by words. It's something he will feel inside when the time is right.<P>Keep praying and looking to Jesus for EVERYTHING. You will feel the strength of the Lord soon. Amen.

Trying,<P>Thanks for responding. I don't seem to get much encouragement here, so it's nice to hear from someone. <P>I don't really think I'm getting "suckered in". I know he's just making excuses, and in the end God will be the one who decides what happens. It's just hard to hold on, ya' know?<P>Can you tell me what I do in Plan A? I've received no responses to this. <P>I feel okay today. Yesterday he was at my house and he saw me in this really nice dress and couldn't quit looking at me. He told my best friend, "*amn she looks good today." He was staring at me all morning while I was getting dressed. That was really a wonderful boost to my self-esteem, although I am still very sad that he hasn't come home yet.<P>However, I will continue to pray and do my part for the Lord. Getting closer to Him is what's important, and he will see to my needs. I know that, I believe that, but it still hurts.<P>Please continue to pray for me, as I will for you.<P>Yours truly,<BR>TrustinginGod

Hi, TiG! Sorry to leave you hangin'! We are here for you. THe more you post and read and learn for yourself, the more responses you'll get - that's what I found. We just have to get to know ya' a little. <P>It IS very hard to be in our situations - you are right. It's quite a roller coaster ride - so prepare yourself for that. You will have to decide, that with God's help, you will be the strong one in your marriage - you may feel like the only one that wants is to work - but God wants to help you. It seems easier to "just give up", but that is what Satan wants us to do.<P>Go back to the main Marriagebuilders.com web-site and click on Articles at the top. You'll see several topics there that you may find interesting, but there is one called What is Plan A and Plan B. Click on that one and read it. You'll want to read around some of the Harley's other Articles and Q&A's to learn as much as you can. Then go to the General Questions Forum and read as many of those posts as possible. This will get you started. Those are real people going through the same stuff you are - and even some wayward spouses - you can see their perspective - and some people going through worse situations than your own. SOunds like a lot of reading, but you'll learn so much, and be arming yourself with a plan and you'll feel more confident about handling your situation. I'm going now to try to log in (it's been sssllllooooowwww today ) and find you some more "welcome" type info. SOme other more experienced posters on GQ are great at welcoming "newbies". <P>Hang in there. I believe GOd led me to this web-site and discussion forum - perhaps you too. I have found that the Prayer Request forum is not very busy, but the answers are faith-filled and wonderful prayer and support. THe how-to's are in the General Questions forum and the MB web-site.<P>Keep praying - keep your chin up!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Hi Sweetie -<P>In 14 years I never got a comment like the one you got today! Take it and treasure it!<P>What I mean by not getting suckered in to getting on his rollercoaster is that you can't share in his ups and downs, confusion and indecision or you will go off the deep end. You have to be above it. You have to think of him as an unruly 14 year-old. He thinks he's an adult but he's not. He thinks he's rational but he's not. Put yourself above him and don't take him too seriously for the next few months.<P>The other thing to remember is that the only true self-esteem comes from loving the Lord, realizing how PUNY we are and not caring because though we are nothing, the Creator of the Universe loves us and calls us to Himself.<P>It is all terribly slow sometimes but you are going to have such great fruits if you stand for your marriage. It is just amazing how the love of the Lord can cover you and compensate for all the pain.<P>Take care and have a good day...

Dear Lord, i lift my sister TrustinginGod up to you that you would give her peace and your sternth Lord to make it thru her trials. Lord, i pray that you would give her that extra encouragment she needs to know its all in your hands and that you will restore beyond what she can see right now. In Jesus name, Amen<BR>Dear Trusting, the Lord will honor your commitment to draw near to Him. The Lord is a rewarder of those who earnestly seek Him. Believe it. Its Gods word. My prayers are with you and i share in your trials.<BR>Mark<BR>