My marriage is in a state of emotional separation...we started out 8 years ago "on the same page". My H and I tried early on to learn how to live our roles as described in God's Word...Shortly after the marriage, H decided to start a small business. The business required long hours and soon became the focus of all his energies. Eventually nearly every waking moment was devoted to the business. <BR> We date only on anniversaries and I have gone to bed alone and awakened alone most nights for the past several years. He often stays on the computer (home office is in our bedroom) most of the night, so that he is retiring when i am almost ready to start the day. I no longer rate a "good morning" and he rarely surfaces to eat with the family.<BR> <BR>Conversations tend to be centered around plans and goals for the business and it has been blamed for his being absent from most family meals, for not helping around the house, for not spending time with me, etc...Yet he often runs to the rescue of estranged family members when they need him and finds time for his recreational pursuits. <BR>He believes i should appreciate his function as provider and not expect him to be held responsible for meeting other needs in our marriage. I have been faithful despite being desparately lonely but I disconnected from him emotionally because it was less painful than hoping i would become important to him again. <BR>I suffered various ailments during the past six months which my doctor said were stress-related (have had panic attacks for 7 years, too)and had to handle it (and the kids) alone... I do not and have never believed that you can put a marriage on auto-pilot and then expect it to weather storms such as we are facing now. <BR>H now is wondering if he has the will to go on because i deviated from the "game plan" during an unusual set of circumstances we recently faced. He believes i was out to sabotage his efforts to provide for our family and I while I understand how he feels, that was not the case. <BR>I want this marriage to work and not end but i can't do it alone...so, i've turned to God for answers. He has brought me to a peaceful place and i am focusing on self-improvement. But a discouraging conversation with H today has caused the doubts to resurface...H believes he is the one who is being Godly and that he is separating from me emotionally to be in God's presence. We sleep in separate rooms (his choice, not mine) and behave like distant relatives. What i wish he could see is that by closeting himself in the office/bedroom away from his family, it has been like this all along, so this really isn't a huge change. Sorry for the long post...just needed to get that off my chest. Anyway we are in need of an intervention and i know that the fervent prayers of the righteous can move mountains and we are facing a huge mountain of unresolved issues. Help!!!<P><BR>[This message has been edited by SpyceyBBQ (edited July 19, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by SpyceyBBQ (edited July 19, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by SpyceyBBQ (edited July 19, 2001).]

I am praying for you. You are right. God can move this mountain.<P>Please read the Harley principles on this web-site, and read some of the posts. learn about emotional needs and love-busters, and make yourself a plan. And keep praying. The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie OMartian is a must read for you, if you haven't already. If you will learn the principles here, pray, and make changes in yourself and the way you treat your H, he will notice, and your relationship will move in a positive direction.<P>Come here to to vent and ask for prayers anytime. You can make it. God wants successful marriages - satan wants to destroy them. Don't let satan get his way. You hang in there, and trust God to lead you through this.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

I know how you feel. "It's business" was the excuse for every sort of neglect for years for me too. Now my husband is living with someone else which was a devastating surprise.<P>Anyway, God really does seem to bend down and pick us up when we are in deep trouble. I am so glad that you have turned to Him through all of this and I know your suffering will be rewarded.<P>Keep posting and praying for others and the Lord will keep a tight watch over you. This forum really saved me from depression. I will keep you in my prayers.<P>Jesus, this marriage is holding together by a string. Please help dissolve all the anger, disappointment and feelings of betrayal and replace them with love, forgiveness and joy. I ask this in Your Most Holy Name, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, Only Son of the Living God. Amen.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and may God bless you Faith1 and Tryingtohope...the prayers and encouragement were desparately needed .Meanwhile, i am rediscovering who i am...and learning who i was meant to be and how both persons are intertwined. I am also gaining clearer vision about how satan works to sabotage our efforts to change and grow. <P>My husband's treatment of me resulted in my loss of respect for him as a man which i am sure has come across to him...i have learned that my respect for him can't be based upon his behavior; he is human after all, and we will disappoint one another at times. As soon as i committed myself to being more respectful to him no matter how he behaved(even in thought), H began doing things that he knows are annoying (and have been previously discussed)to get a rise out of me. <P>But knowing who is behind the actions gives me the ability to resist (soooo hard at times) taking the bait...I have learned to feel Jesus' supportive hand on my shoulder when i get disgusted with the situation and want to give up.<P>Tryingtohope...did you doubt your worth/value as a wife? I have become more comfortable being a mother than a wife...it can be stressful but at least i know i am appreciated...<P>

I just wanted to write that I also have read the book 'Power of a Praying Wife' and it is excellent and yes, I see the results of praying for my H, (even when I didn't want to). The first chapter is on praying for his W (you) and it was an eye opener for me.<P>BTW, during my H's A, yes I felt I was failing as a wife and mother. Just remember, those words come from Satan, not God.

Yes - I have always felt like a failure because I know that I am "intelligent" on test scores or whatever, but I am a TOTAL IMBECILE when it comes to the rest of life.<P>I am kind of like the absent-minded professor, daydreamer type, very romantic, optimistic, put people before things etc etc and I drove my husband absolutely up a wall. I put all my mental concentration on work and then I would be so exhausted that when I came home I wouldn't care about anything except being with my daughter, letting her know I loved her and being with friends or family on the phone. <P>(Because my husband didn't want anything to do with me for years - or so I felt. He would stand perfectly still when I asked for a hug. Not even lift his arms. In all those years, I think he initiated intimacy around 5% of the time. This really hurt me very deeply.)<P>Unfortunately, two things stopped me from changing:<P>1. My pride. <P>I was sure that I was right - that it was more important to take care of people (which it is) than things. But you have to have balance and I didn't have it. Everything fell to my husband. He did most of the work as far as taking care of the house. He did laundry, painted spots that needed painting, fixed lights that needed fixing, watered the plants and the yard, mowed it, took out the trash... <P>I educated my daughter - taught her a lot of things, cared for her, hugged her, played with her and took care of dinner and cleaning the kitchen and getting her ready for bed (story time, prayers, cleaning up, etc.)<P>I also did half the ironing - but my husband really did a lot more than me. (Paid bills, etc.)<P>2. My husband's criticisms blocked me from caring about the rest.<P>He never said "Good job" about ANYTHING. No matter how I tried to change - he would never notice the 99% effort but just pick on that last 1% which wasn't right. <P>I learned to be neat, learned to pick things up, put things away in drawers, wipe the kitchen sink and wipe our bathroom with a cloth every time it got wet (!!!)<P>For me, this was a huge, gigantic effort but he never seemed to give me any credit so I would get angry and think "Fine, I don't care - I won't do anything anymore."<P>He gave me three or four compliments about my appearance in 14 YEARS of marriage. (I think that in itself is grounds for divorce )<P><BR>Anyway, this separation was probably needed so we can reengineer our relationship. I have to get organized. I have to get the whole house under control and spotless (!!)<P>Yes, even the windows... <P>And I need to file for my taxes - wouldn't that be a good idea? I am three years behind because it's not clear what I need to do so I keep putting it off.<P>I need to do those nitpicky things I never found time for.<P>I never knew it was an emotional need to have a clean and well-managed house so now that I know it, I'm working on it.<P>I believe my husband will come home for Christmas. That's just a prediction, not a prophesy. But my heart says he's coming back.<P>So I better go clean out the closets before he comes home, right?? <P>Ciao, T<P>

Thanks for replying, T. BTW, when you finish overhauling your home, wanna start on mine? I have four miniature tornadoes who seem to delight in seeing mom do "floor-touches","mop-ups","deep-knee under-furniture reaches", and the "howl-and-yell-i-stepped-on-a-block-hop"!!! .<P>H has started doing little things around the house recently...i am trying to appreciate his help and stay away from cynical "hmmm...what's this about?" thought patterns.<BR>He may be genuinely trying to change. He's neat with his things, he just doesn't usually get involved in the routine house- cleaning process, do laundry, or cook (doesn't know how). <BR>I have finally broken the habit of trying to win his approval/appreciation. (i think) I focus on trying to please the Lord whether H appreciates my efforts or offers endless criticisms. (i think: if you can do it better...do it!) I would welcome having certain tasks be H's responsibility...but i haven't been able to depend on him to be consistent. <P>H is not a terrible person...he has just allowed his work to become a higher priority than his marriage/family relationships. After seven years, it is affecting his marriage and his relationship with his children. They are often hurt by his curt manner and absence from the family (although he works at home) and I am running out of excuses for him.<P>We're under a tight budget right now, but i will try to get the 'Power of A Praying Wife" book as soon as I can. I see that is a highly recommended read. Thanks for the suggestions and encouragement everyone.<P>God Bless, S.<P>

I also have 4 children so I sympathize with you--just did a camping weekend with them plus our youth group at church.<P>I also very well know how the budget is. I have that book and will mail it to you if you would like. If you are interested e-mail me at prayer859@aol.com

How very kind of you, V. I appreciate the offer and you will hear from me soon. I have a strong feeling that I need that book.<BR>Camping...now there's something i haven't done since childhood. Wonder if I still know how? Can I plug my microwave into a tree? <BR>I commend you for being willing to help someone else. Wow. Just when you think you've had a rough time, you learn that others have been through even more. <BR>Thank you again. I will add you to my prayers, S.<BR>