Please pray for me. Today I left work early again. It's becoming a habit. Yesterday he set me off when he came by for the kids and I just paniced. I thought I was starting menopause!!!becuase I've been having these internal warming things going on. I reckon it's suppressed crying.(?)Anyway counselor told me to hold myself when the anxiety/crying attacks come on and count and pull myself back but I tell you they are getting worse,much worse. <P>Initially I called them panic attacks but now they are like a combination of rage,hopelessness,and intense sobbing. <P>Please,please pray for me. I could easily end up at the psych ward. Which obviously would not look good for me,my kids,nor my job. All of which I could lose.<P>Yes,and on a more positive note for the first time in my life I was DIRECTED to scripture. By the page no less: in my bible it was page 1187 and 902 (Hebrews-where God talks about Abraham and blessing him with children) and Hosea where it talks about restoring after the years of the locust eating......<P>Rather neat huh.<P>Please pray that I am given increased faith,strength,and perserverance--<P>God WILL bless us indeed.<P>LKD

LKD, You are a friend to me and to all of us here and we love to get your mail and your updates.<P>Do not worry about your panic attacks. You are nowhere near the Psych ward. You are very rational and express yourself well. I can tell that you are worried and upset but you have excellent reasons for being so. <P>If you were truly ready for the psych ward, you would be disconnecting from reality, seeing signs that no one else can see, making statements that don't flow from one sentence to the next and generally be unable to communicate with those around you.<P>Panic and crying attacks are not the same as psychiatric problems. I have been hospitalized four times now for psychiatric problems and I recognize the symptoms in myself and in others.<P>I want you to relax about that.<P>Nobody can take away your children because you have anxiety attacks in a situation like this. It would be illegal.<P>That said, you do need to give your brain a rest. This means cut back on coffee, especially in the afternoon. Find a way to get an hour a day all by yourself - in the car if necessary so that you can pray to Jesus however it comes out and He doesn't mind if you sob. He is right with you and leans down to hold you in your sobbing. Have you ever been sobbing and suddenly the tears just dried up and went away? That's the Lord. He loves you, sweetie, and He is so happy with your stand and with your walk toward Him.<P>LKD, Jesus is covering you as you read this. He is with you. He is covering you with the calm of His Holy Spirit. All you should feel is His Divine Love. His Mercy. His Sacred Heart pouring its grace over you. He is with you, dear LKD. Right now. Relax, and feel His Divine presence. Read this again and again until you feel Him and you will know by your tears.<P>LKD, I felt the Holy Spirit as I wrote these words and I know that you are turning a corner.<P>Repeat that you reject all the evil one tries to do and all his lies. Confess that Jesus is the Lord, the Only Son of the Living God. Here is a prayer to recite:<P>Dear Jesus, Only Son of the Living God, Your death brought life to the world. By Your Holy Body and Blood, free from all sins. Keep me faithful to Your teachings and never let me parted from you.<P>LKD, do not fear. The Lord has your situation under control. You are allowed to fall. You are allowed to make mistakes - it will only glorify Him more when He helps you recover.<P>You have to pray and you have to believe that the Lord is with you. You may walk through the valley of death, but you will have no fear because the Light is with you.<P>My revelation the last time I was hospitalized (five years ago) was that nobody and nothing could break me as long as I kept my faith and my ability to love. I could be put in a cave and I would love the spiders who were my company... You are not going to be tested like that but even if you were, you would stay sane remembering your faith and pouring out your love.<P>Now pray and pray that the Lord help you let go of the anger, the bitterness, the resentment and the disappointment that you have every "right" to feel. Humble yourself as Jesus was humbled. <P>The resurrection is not far away...

<BR>Dear Trying to Hope,<BR>I am so very grateful for your message. But am curious about these:<P>I felt the Holy Spirit as I wrote these words and I know that you are turning a corner.<P>The resurrection is not far away<P>Could you elaborate please. You know last night we passed words (Of course initiated by me) I was giving him grief over the kids and he said look "I'm doing the best I can but you can't get blood out of me" and something went off in my head.<P>I called and apologized to him (seem to do a lot of that lately) and he said we can talk about the kid......just give me a call tomorrow. I said why don't you call me? He answered Okay, I will give you a call tomorrow."<P>I went to bed and started reading and you know : He left not because he's a jerk but because I have such high expectations that no one can meet. I am a horrible perfectionist. I can't even meet my standards,let alone someone else. I have also been incredibly critical of him so why wouldn't he leave? I certainly would have if it were reversed.<P>Now this is a guy who in February returned from a visit to his parents and said," Our anniversary is coming up and you said you wanted to renew our vows so why don't we do it in December and have everyone over."<P>And you know initially I said yes. and then I got in my head that it was his mom's idea and turned around later and said I didn't think it was the right time. <P>He said, Yes you are probably right."<P>Please continue to pray for me and if you have any wisdom or advice I am open. The Lord has given me everything so far. He has also assured me that he will fix it and that restoration is in the works. Not long. <P>Thank you again.<P>God will bless us all indeed.<P>LKD<BR>

<B>you know : He left not because he's a jerk but because I have such high expectations that no one can meet. I am a horrible perfectionist. I can't even meet my standards,let alone someone else. I have also been incredibly critical of him so why wouldn't he leave? I certainly would have if it were reversed.</B><BR>LKD,<BR> I have recently said these same words about my poor H when he left...NOT that I'm a perfectionist, because I'm far from THAT!! But just the fact that I have been incredibly critical, and WHY WOULDN'T HE LEAVE?!?! Who in their right mind WOULD stay???? Don't you recognize those words as MORE lies from Satan? IF these things were true (OK, so in my case, I believed they WERE), God still has the ability to HEAL....I have prayed about those things I did and said wrong (and there were MANY). I know God has forgiven me, and I'm waiting for the day to ask my H's forgiveness, too. BUT to dwell on them as your shortcomings, and see those as your H's reasons for leaving is NOT biblical!!! God doesn't want your M broken up. God doesn't want your H hurting (or you, either, for that matter). God wants to HEAL your M....and if the ONLY WAY he could get you (OR MYSELF) to look at our critical attitudes towards our H's was for THIS to happen, guess what?????? IT WILL BE WORTH IT!!! <P>I have been reading in Proverbs as my daily readings, and my oh my!!! SOOOO many scriptures talking about a contentious woman....a nagging woman is worse than a dripping faucet!!! GOODNESS!!! The torment I put my H through!!! I never saw it. I never realized. I never would have, either, probably if THIS hadn't happened. I KNOW "all things work together for GOOD to those who love GOD and are called according to His purpose..." I BELIEVE God is going to use this for GOOD. He is going to get all the glory, and HE is going to restore this M. NOT to what it was, but better than it was, because I WILL NEVER treat my H like I did before, and take him for granted, and be critical and angry all the time. I have learned. He deserves better than this from his HELPMATE. This is a major part, I believe, of what God is teaching me about how to treat my H, how to "honor" him, and respect him, etc. I DID NOT DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS. Fine, I can accept that and pray and change. You can, too. BUT stop beating yourself up! God WANTS you to see your sin so you WILL repent and change, but then let's move on.....<P>As far as the anxiety thing? I believe that is the enemy. God does not want you to feel that way. I know it's easier to say than to change it, but believe me, you DON"T want to expend too much energy on that negative behavior for too long, cause it becomes a "way of life" and it takes you away from where God wants you to be. When I start to "feel bad" or sad, or upset, or lonely or any of a number of other negative feelings, I start singing!! I sing hymns, or just loudly shout praises to the Lord (and hope I'm alone! ) This is the enemy, and he can't stand to be in the presence of the Lord, so I PUT MYSELF IN GOD'S PRESENCE and Satan will flee!!! Try it - it works!<P>sometimes all I can manage is to just repeat "Lord Jesus, I love you, Lord" over and over for awhile. This also will repel Satan, HE HATES THAT "NAME ABOVE ALL NAMES"....and the panic feelings go away. That helps, too.<P>As Trying... said to you, do something for YOU. For awhile, I was taking a bubble bath at night. Just dump in the bubbles, light a couple of candles, and soak away!! I don't think I'd taken a bubble bath before this summer since 1990, so this is a VERY unusual thing for me to do, but it WORKED!! I always slept better, I felt relaxed, and calmed.<P>You are on one WHALE of an emotional rollercoaster, so it's OK to get riled up. But God will not WORK when we are outside His will, so He wants us to turn to Him when we get UNfocused and He'll take over....just try it!!<P>You know that we are all here, that we are all praying for you , and we all believe God is working to fix this. It's always in HIS time, though, and that is the toughie for me. <BR>Just have to wait on Him, and in the meantime, put your time to good use, and BUILD yourself up, DON'T let Satan tear you down, or destroy your faith. He would love to do that. Then God wouldn't fulfill his promises to you! <P>God Bless<P>Lupo<P>

Oh Lupo, I read before I noticed who was writing, should have known!!!!<P>You are an incredible help to me. Thank you so much.<P>I wrote what I did because I had a "revealing moment" last night and thought I ought to be honest. It is much easier to blame the person who left and be angry about it than it is to actually acknowledge that we played a significant role in our spouse's departure. This requires a lot of humbling. and if nothing else I am being humbled for sure.<P>I have read the contentious wife bit everywhere these past weeks and although I knew I had those issues it really didn't sink in until last night/today. I'm not beating myself up. This is such a large issue that has repercussions on every aspect of life that it takes some real thinking.<P>God has been so good and gracious to me all this time. I know that he will continue to do so. I just have to stay on task and in scripture and prayer. <P>Thank you beautiful woman for responding right when I need it. <P>May God Bless us all indeed.<P>LKD

Lkd,<P>What I meant about turning a corner was that you are not going back to where you were. You have turned a corner. You may fall back but it will be to where you are TODAY, no further. <P>You have understood some things about yourself and your relation to God and to your husband that only a situation like this could bring you to understand.<P>I have finally turned a corner too - I see that God wants me right next to Him. He loves me so much that He called me through this pain to feel His presence. I have never in my life had the Holy Spirit but now (sometimes) I do. These are great gifts worth every minute of the pain. I've never had the inner peace I have now either.<P>When I say the resurrection is coming - I mean your personal resurrection. Resurrection comes only after great suffering. Those who have never suffered greatly can't feel it. I mean resurrection of your spirit, feeling alive again, feeling peace again, really experiencing the love of our Father and our Lord. This only happens when we really let go of trying to control our circumstances and we trust in God to handle things.<P>I've said this before but we are like two year-olds next to Him. My daughter used to insist that the alphabet went A,B,D and she would be completely insistent about it. It used to drive me crazy when she would do this, because she doubted that I knew the alphabet. <P>That's what we do to to God when we try to run things. Who do you think can run your life better, you or God??? He has the whole game plan, can foresee the future, knows what we need and has an infinite love for us and we want to run our lives alone? Are we all nuts trying to do that when we have the "Big Expert" up there just asking us to step aside a minute?<P>Anyway, I hope this clarifies what I meant. You are already so close to God and this trial is going to polish up those last little bits. Then the Lord will bring your marriage back together in his time. If it takes a while, that's okay because it gives you more time to change, to convert to Him.<P>God bless you today and fill you with His peace and love. <P>Your anxiety will subside. Don't think YOU have to do anything. Step aside and let the Lord take over. You have to be really passive and calm. Don't talk if you can't control your emotions. Whatever has to be said can be said later. If you do mess up, just pray, ask forgiveness and start over. Don't meditate on mistakes but allow them to teach you. Let God drive this truck... <P>Dear Jesus, please help my friend lkd to love today. Help her be filled with Your love and Your peace. Help her to realize the gap there is between You and us so it becomes more natural to step aside. Show her that it's not up to her to change the situation but that You are going to change it when she and her husband are ready.<P>Thank You, Lord, for the friendships we have made and the support we feel here on this forum. Bless all those with troubled marriages and call them home to You. I ask this in Your Holy Name, Jesus Christ. Amen.