I would appreciate anybody's comments on what to do in thebeginning stages of attempting to reconcile a 17 year marriage by myself. My husband left for 4 weeks, (affair was not exposed yet), he came home after the affair was exposed for 3 weeks and left again 2 weeks ago. Saying he wants a divorce and does not love me as a husband should love a wife. <P>He was gone only one day before he called to appologize for his behavior (very angry and screeming at me)when he left and tell me he had not "filed" yet. He came over the next day and we talked for several hours, cried and prayed together. I want reconciliation and he does not. I asked him if he could give us 6 months to a year before filing for anything. He said he would give it a few weeks and see what happens. I asked that we communicate openly about finances and we agreed he would find a room to rent for $400 per month. He also said he is not seeing the ow anymore. That it will never work with her. He claims to be living in his small office( he relocated there last year away from his maintenance shop) at work which I just found out is in the same building she works in. What a coincidence.<P>My question comes in with what do I do?? God has revealed to me over 6 weeks ago things that I was responsible in the marriage for and done a miraculous work in me. My husband saw the change and said I had turned 360 degrees from who I was before the affair was exposed. This came about when I had a near death experience in a forest fire while I was away camping with relatives. The next day God told me to go home and that was when the affair was exposed amd my heart change occured.<P>During the 3 weeks he was home we began to see a Christian Counselor, pray and read the word, go on dates, show affection (something we were not used to doing) and I really enjoyed it. The problem was my husband was dead emotionally. I did not understand what was happening. He got caught two times going back to sleep with the OW while he was home the first week. I was devastated but he insisted (after God took his breath away in the middle of the night with his back completly going out) that he would break it off with her. He was off work for one week from this injury that he later told me happened while he told me and his daughters he was going to a Bible study and really went to have sex with her. In fact God had given my 16 year old daughter Job 20 the day before that she shared with her dad about how if he did not repent from his sin God would take the tip of an arrow and put it into his back right through his liver. This was the livest example of a pay back I have ever seen God do.<P>But a phone bill arrived 2.5 weeks ago and it had the OW's # on it. I confronted him very lovingly and next thing he is packing and says he is never coming back. I then went into a pitiful sight of pleading with him not to go. It got very ugly and in the end I finally said "just go, I release you". <P>He has called almost every day since he left to talk about "nothing" and even came over for a "dinner date" with me last week. He still has not filed (he says he can only do one thing at a time and that is find a place to live)and said for me to keep waiting for him. He is consumed with finding a place to live since he is living at work (so he says. I do not believe this for one second. She lives right near his work and I just found out last night that he was with her at lunch yesterday due to his cell phone recording a conversation of him asking her how to check his voice mail. I had just called him and he did not answer (I wonder why) so I left a voice mail and when he went to check it for some reason it recorded him and her talking. I know his voice mail password so last night I called his cell phone and checked his messages and here was him and her talking!! I could not believe my ears. Needless to say I did not sleep much last night. <P>What plan should I be on?? <BR>I wrote him a letter and was going to give it to him next time I see him but now I am thinking it will not serve any purpose but make him angry and justify his behavior. <P>Should I file for a legal separation or divorce?? I don't want to but I don't know how long he will keep his check in our joint account.The bills are mounting up quickly.<P>Should I suggest he live with her?? Instead of wasting $1000 month in a share rental that he will never be at just to make it look like he is not seeing her.<P>Should I cut off all contact with him?? I get very down after talking or seeing him when he leaves. I get very emotional. He has not seen our daughters in 3 weeks and I was thinking of setting a schedule to force him to see them? He also tells the girls that he loves and misses them so much and is not abandoning them. This man is SICK!!<P>Any wisdom would be appreciated.<P>Thanks and Keep Praying!<BR>Pray2Day<BR>

I'm not quite sure how to respond, but I wanted to say I am thinking of you and praying for you and your H.

Vry Hurt,<BR>Thanks so much for your reply. Just knowing someone is praying means alot. <P>Pray2Day

Hi Pray2day (gotta love your user name!)<P>I am going to tell you some things I need to remind myself of.<P>You promised before the Lord that you would love this man for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, for sickness and in health until parted by death. <P>That was a BIG promise. You signed a paper to emphasize that promise. Our government takes that promise seriously as part of the fabric of our society.<P>But mostly, the Lord was listening to you that day. He heard your promise. And I believe, if we all had listened to Him, we would have heard His promise: I am the Lord your God. I will give you the grace you need to maintain this promise you are making Me, as long as you continue to ask Me.<P>The Lord wants you married to this man. It's what you want and it's what He wants. Don't even think about filing for divorce. Put as many obstacles in the way as you can.<P>You need to pray most of all and to ask the Lord every day to restore your marriage IN HIM.<P>You were called by God and you even felt it. You know what's right and guess what? It's too hard for us. The burden is too heavy. We can't change our spouses' minds. We can't resist the temptation of finding new partners "who appreciate us". We can't forgive and forget. But the Lord can for us if only we let Him.<P>The hardest thing to put aside is your pride. (Let me tell you this from bitter experience ) This means you kind of want revenge for this outrage. You want to hurt your husband, make him share in your pain, you want to tell everybody what a jerk he is... but all that will only increase the time it takes for you to let the Lord take over with His simple smile, His mercy, His love, His forgiveness.<P>You said that you had fallen away from the Lord, or at least He wasn't first with you. What is the first commandment? You shall love the Lord your God with all Your heart and soul and shall have no gods before Him.<P>How many of us really obey that? This is a commandment we are talking about, not just "the right thing to do". It's a must. Yet the Lord doesn't take revenge on us for veering off and putting ourselves, our spouses, our careers, material wealth, our bodies or even our TVs (what an insult!!!) ahead of Him. He pardons us over and over and over. And He keeps calling us back sweetly and winning us over with His faithful and loving ways. Shouldn't we try to do the same with our spouses? <P>We should and we have to. It's what we are called to do. We can't just "wimp out" on God when His arms are outstretched ready to bless us profusely and send us His Holy Spirit to strengthen us. To back out of our promise is not to believe in God because we are saying we don't believe in miracles. Obviously, the One who made the laws of nature is able to suspend them. After the creation of a couple trillion stars, do any of us really think turning the hearts of our spouses is too big a trick?<P>Can it be instead that the Lord is allowing this trial because He needs to recruit more workers? What if the Harvest is nearing and this is His way of preparing us for it? We really can't know the Higher reason of the Lord who is infinitely wiser than us.<P>So we pretty much just have to accept this trial, pray for strength, look for support and keep our eyes on the narrow path...<P>Jesus, please bless Pray2day and all of us on this forum. Bring us closer to You each and every day. SHOWER us with Your grace. Expand our territory of love and our individual ministries. Let us glorify You today and every day. Amen.<P>

Tryingtohope,<P>Thanks for your response. I am a very committed Christian and have not fallen away from God since I got saved 10 years ago. I am not sure where I implied I had fallen away but just know I am definately "plugged in" to the right source and believing for a miracle.<P>Yes, I do believe in the covenant that I made before God on my wedding day. In fact that is what I keep telling my H. I am committed for life to him. <P>I also believe in the miracle working power of prayer and believe my husband will be home soon. <P>Keep praying!<BR>

Hi again - <BR>I'm sorry, I guess I misunderstood you when you were talking about your change of heart - I thought you meant that before that change of heart the Lord wasn't first with you.<P>It's hard to email because you can't see the person but when I said "you" I meant it in the generic sense. Think of it like a we, or else humans. I think it is human of each of us to want to strike back and really only God can help us to forgive fully.<P>The most important thing is that you are committed. Please stay committed - we need your commitment too! Really, I think each one of us helps the other to get through the rough spots.<P>Jesus, please bless Pray2day profusely when she reads this. Let her heart feel the love I am sending her and above all Your divine love. Allow this love to overcome all the pain she is experiencing. I ask this in Your Holy Name, Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Amen.

Tryingtohope,<P>Your appology is accepted and yes I will stay commited. We are all going through a rough time and need each other to pray when the other is down. <P>Please keep praying for my husband Steve, he is so sure that what he is doing is right but also so confused (he won't admit that though). Just his statements that change every other minute show how confused he is. Pray for him to end this affair quickly. He says he is still homeless and looking for a share rental. I know he is living with her but pray that they do not move in together. I will loose it if he does. That would be the ultimate in rejection. Having him move in with the OW and call himself a Christian. She is Buddhist.<P>Thanks,<BR>Pray2day

Dear Jesus, <P>You said that we could move mountains into the sea if only we had faith. Lord, Pray2day has a lot of faith and is asking you to please keep her husband away from this other woman. Lord, I ask the same for my husband and all the spouses on this forum. Release them from this slavery of adultery and guide them back to You. <P>Lord, we ask You this in faith, not in desperation. Please let us know that You have heard our prayers. I ask this in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. <BR>Amen.

Pray- I will DEFINITELY pray for your marriage. Please see my post to lupolady on inspiring stories- I firmly believe God restored my marriage even though H filed for D on me- went thru 4 mo of waffling and moved out for some time. It was a long and difficult road. but we've been married 15 yrs and have 3 terrific kids- thats worth fighting for. Keep the faith- do not take any action that you are not truly spiritually prepared for. Pray for guidance on what to do. Please let God take control of the course of your marriage instead of being impatient believe me I had trouble with that! lifeismessy

Lifeismessy,<P>Thanks for your prayers. I will look for your post.<P>Are you reconciled with you husband? If so, how long did it take for him to come home? Is the divorce to going through?<P>Pray2Day

I am reconciling with my H due to the man upstairs intervening. Mine was a long and difficult process though emotionally. My H moved out of the house 10 days after d-day because he said our marriage was 'over in his head' before his EA became physical around last Dec. I asked him mid Jan if he was having an A ,he lied and said no. By the time Valentines day came I asked again and he finally confessed to me but said he was leaving me and not ending it with OW. 10 days later he stayed out all night with her so I prayed about it and asked him to move out. He was out of the house a month- stayed in OW's condo until it sold- she took a job transfer to put pressure on him because she was mad he wasnt divorcing me fast enough- he moved back home saying he wanted to reconcile but didnt really. He slept on couch another 2 mo consulting lawyer, looking at apts for himself on his lunch hrs. and secretly filed for D on me. He said our marriage was hopeless, that he was in love with her not with me, that counseling wouldnt help, etc.I would sometimes argue about divorce with him but I soon learned from my pastor to not engage in that type of discussion with him- just say no I disagree with divorce and dont discuss it further.He was provoking me to either agree to a simple mutual divorce to save money or to file on him first to alleviate his guilt- I did neither. I was devastated and stayed deeply in prayer most of the time. I did consult a lawyer to find out my rights and get free advice. I found one thru someone at church. I also counseled with my pastor and a therapist. H finally came to his senses the night after I was served with divorce papers and agreed to therapy with me for real this time. Then he went thru 2 more months of withdrawal from his love affair and not sure if he wanted our marriage or not. Then I went thru several months of anger and confusion due to suppressing my anger at H for so long. What a mess huh? But today we are about 2 mo into recovery- doing way better than I ever imagined possible. Hang in there- lifeismessy

Lifeismessy,<P>Your story sounds so familiar. I am in week 3 of him leaving after trying to reconcile for 3 weeks after the affair was discovered. <P>He says all the same things your H is saying. The only difference is he works and lives with her. He won't admit to seeing her or even living with her but I know for a fact that he is. I don't understand the lies and denial when the affair has been exposed already. He just doesn't want her to get the blame for breaking up our marriage.<P>Please pray for him to come to his senses real soon. I don't know how long I can go through this.<P>Are you living together?<P>Did you ever not talk to him (Plan B) during the separation?<P>I am still in contact with my H. I don't call him but he calls me. It is usually about nothing. Just an excuse to talk I guess. I mentioned that maybe we should not talk anymore and he said, "NO!, we have to talk!" He sounded kind of panicky about the thought of not talking to me. I will just keep loving him and trying to go on with my life with God and my daughters. It is so hard though. I want him home so bad. <P>P.S. He is coming for dinner tonight and taking our girls to Marine World. He will also be here on Sat & Sun to take the girls on separate dates. He will not be spending the night (I did invite him thought to save gas $$ but he said NO!). I don't understand his loyalty to her. I am his wife.<BR>Pray his heart will be touched this weekend. Pray he will miss me while he is here.<BR>Thanks,<BR>Pray2Day

Pray- I never stopped all contact with my H even during the month he was out of the house due to his wanting to see the kids alot- during that time he still worked with OW for awhile until she took her job transfer- they worked very closely together at their jobs which is how this all got so complicated in the first place. She gave him the key to her condo after she took her job transfer and he lied and said he was staying with friends. My H seemed to have major issues with both the affair ending, depression AND our marriage- that made things more messy. I did consult a lawyer though and could have locked him out and denied him visitation while he was out of the house. However I couldnt see the point of doing that with him. Even after finally ending contact he took awhile to make up his mind to work on the marriage. Of course that was because he was withdrawing from his addiction to OW also. He made our marriage sound much worse than it really was to our marriage counselor to rationalize what he was doing. This is hard to forgive him for believe me. But I take it one day at a time and lean on my faith. I will pray your H reaches that wanting to reconcile point sooner.

Lifeismessy,<P>I can't believe how similiar your story sounds. He also said he was living with a friend and then at work but is really with her. He still insists on needing to get his own share rental or something. I don't understand why though. She lives with other relatives and I guess it is uncomfortable for him.<P>He did come for dinner tonight and seemed really down. He seemed so comfortable when laying on our couch. I just pray he will see the change in me and want to give up this fantasy life with the OW. <P>His daughters are so hurt by this all that they did not even acknowledge him when he came. It was me and the dog who greeted him at the door. It's funny because he says he misses the girls so much but never calls and this is the first time in three weeks he has seen them. They are going on with their own lives and really don't care about him anymore (well, they do care but they are so tired of the lies and hurt from him that they are hardening their hearts toward him.)<P>I will pray for your situation! Pray that Steve will have a change of heart SOON!! It has been a total of two months and it needs to STOP SOON before he looses everything!!<P>Pray2Day<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Pray that Steve will have a change of heart SOON!! It has been a total of two months and it needs to STOP SOON before he looses everything!!<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Pray2,<BR>My H moved out on May 18, left me a note. Said he wanted a d. and papers were filed. I found them in the mailbox that very day. He did NOT want to talk to me. I was devastated. I knew I was not the perfect W, but was a shrew, I has angry outbursts, criticism for him all the time. He found someone who didn't treat him like that. I had NO SAY in the matter. He didn't give me a choice. He just made the decision for his life and LEFT><P>I am now in Plan A after finding this site. I did NOT contact him for a very long time (2 months!) I thought that's what he wanted. Now, I don't care what he says he wants. I am still M (he hasn't followed up on d papers I didn't sign) to him, and I send him notes, letters and have had occasion to talk to him by phone twice only.<P>My point, is: DON"T GIVE UP!!! No matter what it looks like, or what is happening! God is in control. NOT H. Just pray. That is what I do now. Nothing else, except when led by the Lord.<P>Yikes, big storm coming. Gotta get off 'puter.<P>Lupo<BR>

Lupo,<P>Thanks for your encouragement. I have been fortunate that my husband does stay in contact. He has only been able to go one whole day of not talking to me since he left 3 weeks ago. I don't understand this but I am trying to be as pleasant as I can when he does call.<P>He came over for dinner last night (this makes two times this week)and took my girls out on a date and when they got home he asked if I wanted to watch a movie with them. I hate watching movies, T.V., etc. but I said, "SURE!!" He did leave to go home to the OW and was back this morning taking one of our daughters to a Victory Outreach (Christian event)car show. <P>Please pray that I can show him how I have changed and not nag him about where he is spending our money, sleeping, etc.. This is why he left, (a nagging wife). God has totally shown me what I need to do but he says it is 17 years too late. <P>Please pray for me to remain steadfast in prayer and patient in hope! I know God is able but I also know my flesh seems to get in the way alot. <P>God Bless,<BR>Pray2Day

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He has only been able to go one whole day of not talking to me since he left 3 weeks ago. I don't understand this but I am trying to be as pleasant as I can when he does call.<BR>God has totally shown me what I need to do but he says it is 17 years too late. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Doesn't matter WHAT WH says! Only matters what God says. And HE says he HATES DIVORCE!!! It is not His Will. As for me, I want to be in God's will! Hence, I WILL NOT succomb to the world view that "we would be better off" divorced! Or that "after 20 years, he's ready to move on...." (newest lie coming from Satan's lair)<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Please pray for me to remain steadfast in prayer and patient in hope! I know God is able but I also know my flesh seems to get in the way alot. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Mine too! <BR>If you have not been to this website, please go there: <A HREF="http://www.rejoiceministries.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.rejoiceministries.org/</A> <BR>They are very committed to putting "broken" marriages back together. I get "encouragement" notices from them all the time. It helps a lot. Seems like when I need it the most, they send me something.<BR>Like last month...the day I talked to my H for the first time in 3 months (on exactly the day of 3 months of no contact at all) - well then in my mailbox, there were MUSTARD SEEDS!! Sent to me from this ministry....how cool....I like to tell people that "God sent me mustard seeds in the mail" to remind me that that is all the faith I need to have, and God is going to restore my M...this happened on the same day I just talked to him!! I was euphoric for days after that!! I KNOW God is in control and is working. He wouldn't give me these kinds of signs if He was going to "let me down" about my M. <P>He also knew I needed a "boost" and that I was faltering in my faith. God has been so good. And faithful to me. I KNOW He's working on my H, too. We cannot be "one flesh" without some of these cool things having an effect on him, too!<P>Also, I have started praying from "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartin. It's excellent! It has a prayer for every day of the month. I need to change into a Godly wife before God will bring my H home. I see that now. I am changing. I know God is happy with the changes.<P>Anyways, I'm rambling on, so I'll quit now. I'll be praying for your H to stop fence-sitting and come HOME where he belongs for good! <P>Lupo

Lupolady,<P>Pray for me, my flesh just got in the way!<P>My husband just came home from the Christian event he took my daughter to and asked for my Chevron gas card. I said to bring me a receipt and bring it right back. He then started in on why can't he have his own card (I cancelled his card after he charged $300 in one month for gas seeing the OW). He then said he is so broke why can't he get a charge card.<P>I ended up saying you have nerve to say you are so broke when you are just spent last weekend in Las Veags, he flew there and rented a car with the OW. I have no idea how he paid for the trip. He does side jobs and must have saved.<P>So he ended up getting very angry with me and I said that he would not be allowed over here anymore if this was how he was going to treat me. He drove off very fast and did not return with my gas card. <P>He is supposed to take our youngest daughter dirtbike riding on Monday and I have a feeling he will flake. <P>Please pray for him tonight. He was late for a date with the OW and that is one reason he was all stressed. At the Christian event my daughter said the guy said "There is a father out there that is drinking and gambling and you need to end the party." She said the whole event was speaking to him but he kept getting up to leave throughout the event. He obviously was very uncomfortable being in the presence of God. He has been a very faithful Christian for 10 years please pray for Satan to let him go!!<P>Thanks,<BR>Pray2Day

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> At the Christian event my daughter said the guy said "There is a father out there that is drinking and gambling and you need to end the party." She said the whole event was speaking to him but he kept getting up to leave throughout the event. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Lord, You know what is needed to bring our WS's back home. Lord, we trust You to speak to them and say exactly what they need to hear. Father, open their ears to hear Your Words. We know, Father, that Your Words do not return to You void. We know, Father, that you love them more than we can possibly understand.<P>Lord, please understand that we love them, too. We don't want them hurting, or lost, or to recieve your punishment, but Father, we are willing, like a good parent understands, to see discipline done to a wayward child to get it to come to its senses!<P>We praise you, Lord, that you hear our cries, you tend to our tears, and you have already answered our prayers. Thank you, Jesus, you died for us. That is all we need. The rest is totally Your will to give us riches in Christ, or not. We will love you and worship You for whatever you choose to do with our lives, cause they belong to you, bought and paid for. This is true with our spouses, too. Thank you, Lord, for watching over them, and please, Lord, do NOT allow them to get into anything they cannot handle. You are a faithful, loving God and you have promised us we will never be tempted above what we are able, but will also have a way of escape. Please show that way to our spouses.<P>Father, we know you HATE DIVORCE, so Father, we already know you are going to bring our WS's home. Please, Lord, I plead that you will make the days short for this to happen so that we don't get discouraged. You will recieve Glory by others who see our faithfulness and Your mercy on us. <P>Father, give Pray2Day a peace about what happened last night. We know you can use every situation for good. You can turn the king's heart whichever way You please. Turn her H around and make him see how wrong he acted last night.<P>Forgive her impatience, Father. You know we are but flesh and our flesh is tempted sometimes to fight. We KNOW this is a spiritual battle. Please help all of us, Lord, to keep our flesh OUT of the fight! We know it's hard. Keep us close to you, Lord. Help us cry out to You in times of temptation when we think we can jump into the fight. Help us lean harder on You.<P>Thank You, Jesus. Where would we be without YOU to fight this fight for us? Thank You, Lord. Thank You, Holy Spirit. You live inside us, and guide us. Thank You, Father that you knew we are TOO weak to walk the Christian walk without the Holy Spirit to lead us every step of the way. Help us learn to NOT make a step without consulting Him! Amen.<P>Lupo

Thanks for the awesome prayer for myself and Steve. You are right on that this is a spiritual battle. I have started telling myself not to look at the circumstances and look to Jesus. He is my peace. He is the one working behind the scenes in my husbands heart. <P>I don't know how someone can know God and then go this far down the road to hell and not feel anything is wrong. My husband looks terrible and says he would rather be homeless than live with me. I can't believe the rationality of this. A loving wife, home, children, material wealth, and most of all the love of God and peace that surpasses all understanding. How could he trade that for the hell he has chosen? Well, it is because he believes the lie that he doesn't love me like a husband should love a wife. He remembers only bad about me. He even said he has not one positive memory in 17 years with me. That is about as far off the truth that he could have went. <P>I hope to share a praise report very soon. My H life is spiraling down hill very fast. I just hope he doesn't have to take us down the pit with him and bring us into financial ruin. <P>He is living a very extravegant life right now without the $$ to support it. He had taken (without my knowing) money out of our retirment account and that money ran dry real fast. He has threatened to get a credit card for "emergencies" only. Right, emergencies only. His life is an emergency right now. He thinks $$ will help him to feel better. He is getting very angry that he gives his "whole" paycheck to me and he gets nothing. That is not true but that is what he believes. <P>Pray for him to not make bad financial choices. Pray for me to not have to file for a legal separation. I will not have enough to pay our bills if the court orders the support amount. I do need all of his check to maintain our household and not get behind. Please pray he would stay faithful to provide for us. Pray against his selfishness.<P>God Bless,<BR>Pray2Day