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Joined: May 2001
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L
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L
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Faith1,
I just read a previous post of yours, re: a letter you wrote relatively early on to your WH....while I HAVE written a similar letter to mine, hmmm, maybe TWO - I feel that maybe I left something OUT? Here below is a portion of your post to refresh your memory:

I included in the letter my desire and belief in reconciliation... that i loved him and believed we could learn how to make the marriage better than it was. I expanded a little more about why I loved him. I ended by letting him know I was open for counseling and reconciliation for a time, but he would have to meet me 1/2-way.

OK, here's my ?
I included in MY first letter that I loved him and believed in HIM, explained my sins within the M, BUT did NOT mention OW, since he has never acknowledged any OP. Second letter, following the lead of Lostva, just "hi, how are you, and here's what's going on around here..."

In neither letter did I mention being open for reconcilation, counseling - although that was discussed in first phone conversation. That was not a "D-Day" conversation per/se, since he never acknowledged OW, just that he felt "our M was over, counseling was no good..." yadda, yadda.

OK, so to get to the point: Would it now maybe be a good idea to write "the letter" - the one that mentions the dreaded "R" word RECONCILIATION ?

iF SO, how to phrase it such that it doesn't come across like BEGGING or PLEADING etc. WIth so much time gone by now, it's almost like - what's the impetus? What would MAKE me write it NOW? Know what I mean? I mean, I'm feeling like it's TOO LATE and I should have already done it. Yet, NOW is the time I'm feeling like God has laid it on my heart to do it, NOT BEFORE......

Need input.....more input.....

TIA
Lupo


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Hi, Lupo! Sorry I'm just now seeing this....

Yes, I believe you should put it in writing. He needs to know what your feelings and intentions are - in writing.

I understand you feeling awkward at this point to send it, but I think it's a very good idea, and it's never too late. I think you can start your letter by saying that you feel the need - feel led by God to express a few thoughts and feelings.

Since it was been a while since he left - and I don't know how many letters/cards you have sent and what you have mentioned in them, but you may think about writing a letter similare to what sad_but_true was working on, and I was trying to get him to do.... telling your H that he has his freedom, you respect his need for some time and space, perhaps remind him of your acknowledgment in your share in the breakdown, and efforts you are making to learn about yourself and make some changes, why you love him, and that you believe God can restore - and wants to heal - your marriage, and that you are open - for a time - to counseling and reconciliation. I don't think that sounds like begging. I have my letter on my PC at work, and I will post some of it on Tuesday for you.... I can't remember the exact wording.... I worked on it for about a month, and showed it to my counselor also.... it started as a plan B letter, and evolved into a Dobson - Plan A letter.....

huggggsssss, sis.


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well, here's my letter... it may help - or may not... but here it is I gave this to H around July 12 or so.... yes, it's long, but I knew we didn't talk or see each other much, and I wanted it to have everything I needed to say so he could refer back to it and not wonder where I stood. It's the only "letter" I have given him. I have given short, sweet cards about once a week.

H,

It’s such a curious thing how a person loses perspective when he’s so close to a problem. It becomes difficult to see the issues clearly, and that has definitely happened to me more than once in the last 8 weeks. Perhaps it is time for me to pull back and look at it in a different light. I’ve been through some very tough moments since you first decided to leave. At first, I panicked, and I begged and pleaded with you to stay with me, because I loved you so much – I had “become one flesh with you”, and couldn’t bear the possibility of losing the BEST thing that ever happened to me. I wanted so desperately to understand why. As a person who expected to marry once and spend my whole life committed to that person, it was a severe shock to see our relationship unravel. Then, thanks to God’s never-ending love for me, I did the right thing, by letting you go and began working on myself and my relationship with God. Then, I allowed you to return to the comfort of your own home, refrigerator, TV, couch, and a pleasant atmosphere in the house, as well as sparing you the expense and hassle of finding your own place. I did this, even after you showed the greatest amount of disrespect that a husband could ever show his wife, by deserting me and having an affair, emotionally and physically. I told you at that time, that I didn’t know how long I could allow you this comfort and acceptance. When you agreed to counseling, and to make “100% effort to reconcile”, I knew I needed to allow you to stay. Your “100% effort” lasted for about 3 days (if that long) because when I found out on that Sunday that you were still seeing OW, that was proof that you were not making 100% effort.

The foolish mistake I made then was to let your reactions and lack of commitment affect my commitment to myself and to God, and I strayed from my focus of self-improvement. I also realize now that you have been making some poor decisions, and that I cannot take responsibility for your decisions. If you choose to self-destruct, I don’t have to self-destruct along with you. What I also find most confusing is how your reasons for unhappiness have kept changing over the last 8 weeks, including my weight, my family, my reactions to your leaving and your continued relationship with OW, and my past immaturities and imperfections. I am also concerned that you base your feelings and decisions on details that you are remembering incorrectly.

You married me of your own free will, and if you want your freedom to move out, I certainly can’t hold you, anymore than I could’ve forced you to marry me. I wasn’t a perfect wife, for sure, but no man has ever touched me emotionally or physically, nor have I ever lost my trust and belief in you. I have never thought for a moment that your commitments and promises to me would ever crumble! Now you have violated that trust. I’m no longer special to you as a woman. I can’t face that, and I would much rather face life alone than to be just another “female friend” – one of your harem. I’m still not sure how something so wonderful sank into the mud of apathy, blame, and infidelity, but that is between you and the Lord. We both have to answer to Him in our own way, and my conscience is clear.

H, it just won’t work if you want to share your heart with someone other than me. I can’t force you to come back, and I can’t force you to choose to renew your love for me, although it is possible for you to do so. I have done – and am doing – everything I believe that’s right – improving myself, learning and correcting my mistakes as a wife, forgiving you, and praying constantly. But maybe we do need some time apart. Our relationship was not all that God intended, and had become unhealthy in some ways. For one thing, we were looking for fulfillment in each other and in the marriage, instead of from God. These and other things can be corrected through <counselor's> wisdom as an instrument of God. I am learning and becoming the woman that God has created me to be. I hope that you choose to be a part of my transformation.

Please know that I love you with all my heart. I meant it when I committed to loving you, and only you, for the rest of my life. I truly admire who you are, and I have expressed my apologies for not communicating that to you clearly enough. You have been a shining example and an inspiration to many people (your “territory”, as in the Prayer of Jabez). You are so Christ-like, in your giving and uplifting spirit. You strive for excellence, and you believe in and teach others perseverance through challenges. H, I long for you, and it is very painful. But I know that God has “begun a good work” in you and in me, and I am waiting on Him. His Way, in His Time, is the only way that will work. I remember the fun times and want millions more of them. (Dates, traveling, music...) I remember the tough times, and want more of them too. I want to have a family with you – you will be an excellent father. And even if not, I want to be with you till I die and find out what else God has in store for us! He has promised us precious rewards for faith and perseverance. I want to admire you, trust you, let you lead, and help you become the man God has created you to be. I want to be the wife you truly deserve. I can learn to trust you again, if you are willing to do your part. God can heal this, but we have to give him a chance – our trust, and time to do His work.

I will continue counseling for myself, to continue learning what God has in store for me, to learn how to spare myself any more pain, and to learn how not to hurt you. We have many happy memories together that I will never forget. It won’t be easy living without you – you were my first and my only love – the only one I chose. But that was then and this is now.

I will not be pestering you, or expecting you to fulfill any of my emotional needs. I only request from you respect, honesty, and integrity, in that hopefully you will answer my reasonable questions, phone calls, text messages, or e-mails. I also expect the financial commitment that you and I agreed on, as well as the house maintenance we agreed on. Please know that I love you, and any lack of communication you may see from my end is not a lack of love and care, but is respect, to give you the time you need to search your soul and seek God’s will for your life. This is also the reason that it would be best for you to break all emotional ties with OW. So that your heart will not be clouded and you can more clearly hear God’s voice.
Please know that, for a time, I am open for marriage counseling and reconciliation, if you will meet me half-way. God can restore our love, passion, and commitment.

God Bless you, H. I love you, and I will miss you.
ME

[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited September 11, 2001).]


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Thanks, Faith.

I recieved your letter, will review it and pray about using parts of it for my H. I do appreciate your openness to share it.

However, right now is not a good time, and I am signing off now. Today has been a very bad day, starting with finding out one of my students from last year had his house burned down last week-end by his baby sister, who will probably pay for her childish act with her own life. Following that was the terrible, terrible events in our country. Following THAT is total SILENCE from my H, whom I would have thought would CARE and simply call to see if I was OK, or needed anything in light of today's tragedy. Ah, well. I "expected" something, I should know better. Maybe just a little human kindness? From a man I THOUGHT loved me and cherished me for 20 years? Well, too much to hope for, I guess. I suppose that's because I was such a TOTAL WITCH to him for all those years. Yeah. That's me.

Wallowing in self-pity right now, so I'm going off alone, to pray and see what God is trying to show me in this time of solitude (feels like solitary confinement = a punishment).

L


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(((((((lupo))))))
I'm so sorry you are having a bad day. It is certainly sad about about the attacks - just horrible. My H doens't care to talk to me today either. I left him a sweet voice mail jjust to tell him I was thinking about him in light of the tragedy and we never know what's going to happen.... haven't heard from him . He's out of town this week. But I know he gets my messages.

I know you said you were signing off, but I'm on here tonight if you wanna talk.

I'm soooo happy your test came back negative. I have been wondering about it.

wuv ya sis,

------------------
Faith1

"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"
Matt 15:28



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