Im doing better now. My W has acually accepted my boundries finally and October is gone, praise Jesus. The last week in October has the worst memories for me ever. I had to fight to reach out to the Lords love. Its hard sometimes when after 3 years i expect things to always continue to grow between my W and I and when her past or past behaviour is brought up, it tears me apart.
This has been a very long trial for me. Over 3 years. I cant deny God has done great things and miracles. Neither can the enemy.
One thing im starting to finally learn is the Lord is my strenth, cause when i rely on my own, i want to give up and run or become vengful.
I pray the Lord would continue to work on our WM and teach us to decrease so He can increase. Ive been really struggling with taking matters into my own hands again out of anger. Ive been hearing the lies, that Gods taking to long and im just going to have to deal with things myself. I have wanted to repay my mother-inlaw evil with evil. Ive even asked the Lord, please just this once. Its frustrating when God says NO! Then He tells me to pray for her, cause she needs it. If i was her i would be praising Jesus her son inlaw(me) has Jesus in his heart. She would be in a world of trouble if that wernt true. But instead i get persecuted. Some people just dont know how much the Lord shines on them.
To this day, the Lord has been faithful to carry me when i needed it and to strenthen me, when i want to give up. The Lord will get the glory in our stands. Nothing is too great for the Lord. Most of us just need to wait on Him and His slow timing according to what we think is slow. Most of us know deep in our hearts God will restore our marriages. We just are not always willing to wait so long. I still have such a hard time trusting God in His so called perfect timing. My own understanding cant see how perfect it is. My understanding only sees how painful it is. I suppose we are not to lean on our own understanding. For good reason. We would of given up a long time ago. I praise God He never gave up on my W and of course me. I havent always nor am I yet such a perfect angle.
Mark

Hey, Lostpup. I tried to email you but added one too many letters to your name. Thought I would come for a visit to MB tonight.<p>Such a long battle/journey for you, my friend. Keep remembering the heroes of the faith from Hebrews 11...they didn't see the fulfilment of all that was promised them but great results came. I pray that God's mercy and His desire for your M to be whole and strong will be evidenced now and continually.<p>You are in a unique situation, Mark. It is very difficult for the spouse of one who suffers a mental illness. My own mental illness of chronic depression pales in comparison with your W's but H has been so good to me long before I had the A. There have been times I literally laid on the couch all day and H did everything..not always happily. I asked him once how he could stand it and his answer was that he loved me. <p>Mark, I know you love your W just as Christ loves His bride the Church. God will bless you for it.<p>Hang in there, my brother. <p>Blessings!

Mark,
It's SO good to hear from you! I'm sorry October was such an evil month for you. We will have to pray that there are NO MORE Octobers like this.<p>You are so strong. I know you don't believe that, but there are very few men that I know of who could/would endure what you have, and still cling to their faith. I KNOW God is planning great blessings for you! YOu know it too. Praise Him every day.<p>You know the best revenge is to pray for your MIL!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Please continue to "be carried" in Jesus' arms. You KNOW it's the only safe place for any of us. Please keep us updated about how things are going. YOu are a rock to me.<p>Blessings,
Lupo

Thank you Freshstart and Lupo for the encouragement. I also suffer from cronic depression FS. Me depression, W manic depression, what a combination huh. I cant blame her for my depression,(although she has added just a little) for i have it for most of my life, and used to self medicate for 20 years with pot. I have found only Gods presence is the only cure for depression. Lucky me that God counts me worthy for such a battle. I really wish He had picked somebody else, but now that im here i have accepted the road the Lord has me on.
Yes Lupo, i understand the burning coals concept [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] 4 years ago the Lord out of the blue asked me to pray foorr MIL and i laughed. But i knew it had to of been God, cause my own imagination couldnt of come up with that one, so i started to pray for her and a few days later i had a heavy vision. It was so real. I saw MIL on her death bed and she asked for me to come in the hospital room and pray for her. It was just too wild to be imagined. Im still not sure what it means, but it has helped me to forgive. It is a miracle i can forgive her, but she keeps doing so many more things all the time to be forgiven for [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I had a good last few days with my W and she started preachin to me [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Im starting to see Gods strenth made perfect in weakness in her. It comes out of nowhere, and its right on the button. It was about my lack of faith, and im telling you she amazed me. I was convicted and it doesnt seem possible for her to see what she saw.
I just pray she continues growing in that way.
The Lord does work in strange and mysterious ways...
Mark

Dear Mark,<p>Let me know more about what's also gone on in your life. And just like you, Praise Jesus! October is over. Awful, just awful month for me too. Days just ran together. You wake w/misery, turn it over to the Lord, and fight it with Him the rest of day. You put on His full armor and if even you have to read those verses in Ephesians, actually see and visualize yourself putting them on. What Paul, the apostle, was trying to show us visually, was how a Roman centurion would dress for battle. It is simply a verbal/spiritual comparison. But for me, it works. Just do that. I also read a good book that not only addresses infidelity, but addictions and other problems as well. Love Must Be Tough, by Dobson. <p>He says (paraphrasing and saying it in my own words as best as I can) that if your teenager came home drunk and stoned on drugs, what would you do? Would you say that it's no wonder you are doing this, we are such bad parents that we have driven you to this and we will help you get more. As Dobson puts it, weak love where no accountabiity or responsibility is shown by either a WS or a family member needs an appropriate response of both being tough and loving at same time. Good read my friend, and I refer to it often, like yesterday when I couldn't get off of the couch.

Mark, Just checking in to say hi and that you are always in my prayers. You are a true friend and I'm glad October is gone, too.

Dear NP, i have read about every book on the subject including many of dobsens and i find they do not help. They get me to trust in my own efforts. I try to just look at Jesus's example and go from there. <p>I had to let my W go for a while and she hit bottom herself without me around. It was one of the hardest periods in my life. I didnt see or hear from her in 7 months. I had to fully trust in God cause she was suicidal and shooting dope. She knew i loved her and would accept her back, but i was thru enabling her and i couldnt accept her behaviour. All i could do was pray for her. I honestly didnt think she would make it. She did overdose bad and should of died. It wasnt the first time, but this time she woke up.
The books that help me are books on missionary journeys. Biographys Like through the gates of splendor, and the recent one i read was Hudson Taylors Spiritual Secret. I got that book at goodwill for .99 cents and i didnt think it would be very good, but turned out to be the best book ive ever read. Its about the Original missions to China. It has put my life in perspective. It made me feel so spoiled rotton and such a baby christian. The book really humbled me. My road pales in comparison.
Here in america, we tend to covet and envy our neighbors alot, forgetting the condition of their souls. Most of the Cleavers i know dont know Jesus. Their lives are so good, they dont seem to need Him. What they have will end. They will envy us for all of eternity and not just a few short years. Knowing that doesnt make you or I feel any better, but its something the Lord likes to remind me, when im on a pitty party. I really cant wait for the Lord to come and take us away. I do not hold on to anything in this life anymore. I do not like, nor love life. It sucks far more than not. I will continue to pray for you and your husband.<p>Trying, You are always in my prayers also. May the Lord bless you with more of Him. No matter how it looks, its still in His hands. Keep praying and never give up.
Mark