It's been a long night. Took tylenol pm and got a little rest. I feel like time is moving forward and I'm staying frozen. Son is with his dad. I'm alone. As my post yesterday, H emailed me and basically said it's over. He offered me a silly settlement agreement and said to take it to my attorney. I filed for D ironically on 9/11 at 10:00 am. What a day huh? Everytime I hear anything at all about that day, that infamous day in our history, I think that although we live nowhere near the disaster sites, that another family perished that day. Just that trigger alone eats at me. Spent all day crying and just shaking. Felt like it was freezing. Just couldn't stop. I have and am a prayer warrior. Just felt the armor was too heavy to hold up yesterday. Lupolady, you are right. I will not let satan take my family down. I will choose to fight, but how do I take care of myself? I've totally hit rock bottom. When H told me last night that his OW (of one year) was going to fly in town last night to "take care of him" through his so-called crisis, I lost it and left a very nasty message w/her. You are right lupo, things had started to go better when I totally stayed out of their hideous A.
I desperately want to move back home to TN where my family and friends are. My old church is there too, along w/my friends. My home is there, still being paid for by us and I can take it off of the market. I am seriously considering what MB would call Plan B now. He is taking me down with him and know that in order to implement plan b, you have to give them a great ending on plan a. What an ending yesterday. I do not know if I need to do a little more A, then move, but almost feel like for me to survive, b is soon coming. Need to be where I can have a loved one just hold me sometimes. Have nothing like that now. I am isolated in suburban paradise right outside of Atlanta. Feel like a prisoner trapped in a most beautiful cage. It is horrible. I have decided that maybe I could just go home for 2 weeks to look around and decide. Don't know what to do about the moving thing and plan b. I want to save my M, but am powerless.<p>I have given everything over to God. Yet, why am I so very down and extremely depressed now. Feels like my stomach keeps on churning and won't quit. Got out of my bedroom long enough to turn to my friends here, don't have many here (like 3)and although they're good friends and encourage me, only one has had a situation even close to mine. She is so empathetic and prayerful, but her H did the right thing and they let God in their marriage and healed very nicely. Even after they had been separated. H was drinking last night and said that he didn't love me the way a H should. That he loved me b/c I'm the mother of his child, that he'd love me in some small way always, but was not nor ever could really love me or live with me again. Those words cut me so hard. I try not to get down. Been showing unconditional love and doing a strong plan A for at least 3 weeks now. I do not know what to do. I've been living as to give of myself and my heart unconditionally and 100% of my love to my H, who has given nothing in return, except for paying the bills for us. Together, after our son was born, we decided together that I'd stay at home with him. Now yesterday, he told me that I'd have to get a full time job. Our son needs me so much now. He's so little, only 3, and needs his mom. Would work part time, not full. H changed the rules on me. H is selfish and absorbed. He doesn't even believe in my faith. He says he is a Christian, but almost snickers, chuckles, when I tell him the only way I've dealt with this is on my knees, in prayer. He thinks I'm a nut b/c of that. I know satan has gotten a hold of him and is not letting go. I told satan to "get out" of our family, our marriage, myself. Prayed so hard that God would keep us from evil. I'm feeling like a miserable failure and just simply want to survive another day. Am going to sign off now and try to pray just to get through another awful, solitary, day alone. Feel too depressed to even want to leave house. <p>I think I'm feeling so defeated now, b/c women and men of faith just shouldn't get so down like I'm now. How has it happened that I spiral downward so quickly yet still pray? I know that the early Church had such great adeversity, yet they kept their faith alive. Mine's alive, but why do I feel so dead? One of my girlfriends from my hometown called me today and said that now is the time to move on. She goes to my old church and we've been friends a long time. She also went through a horrible divorce 7 years ago, but there was no chance ever of reconciliation. period. I know she wants what is best for me, yet I do not want to give up the fight for my family. I do not want to say I took the easy way out because life was becoming too unbearable for me to love my family, my H, through this hell. That I was too selfish to continue to fight. I do not know what to do. This OW has been in H's life for a year now and no sign of her leaving. He is so deep in the fog that you could cut it. Just want to break through all this pain and know where I'm going, where I will end up, how my family will end up. I trust God will protect us, but am so scared and fearful of making even the smallest wrong move, just like the huge wrong one I made last night by calling OW. Satan is attacking this family from all sides and I feel too weak to carry the armor. I'm going to give it my best shot, but still can't seem to stop crying. <p>Please pray and any advice is so welcomed. Lupo, thanks so much. I am praying for you and all here.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Thank you for your honesty and sincerity. I am going to be praying for you soon, my sister. Our faith is incredible and right now, it is the only incredible thread in our lives we hang on to. <p>I will especially pray for your health and well-being that you must not only take care of 3 children, but have your 4th on the way. May God bless you, wrap His loving arms around you now. I cry with you. I will pray with you. You are right. They (our H's) are very lost. They do not know where or what they are doing. I am going to try to muster up to being able to carry God's armor one more day. For my family, for yours, for all of us here. Satan will not triumph and we will not back down. I will use the tiny, eeniest bit of strength now to just try to pray today. Going to do that soon. Try to stay strong, I know it is hard, but please take care of yourself. Are you seeing a counselor? H is doing some horrible things to you & your family now. Will pray for God to remove Satan from your H's life and remove OW for good. You know that you are fighting the good fight. Try for one more day. <p>I understand the pregnant part and really want you to take care. I got very ill w/toxemia during my pregnancy and had an emergency c section @ 7 mos. and son was very small. Please take care of yourself and do not allow OW to enter your life, be around your kids, at all. We are both at a cross road here. We must pray which way to turn and how fast to proceed down our path. Although, we both know that our goal is for our families to be restored again, above all.

Dear Lord, i would ask that you would come and comfort my sister NP and show her your Love Lord. She is full of great pain and confusion and doesnt know what direction to go Lord. Help her to see that your hand is on her life and that you are their holding her thru her darkest hours. Carry her when she needs it and encourage her when she wants to give up. Give her hope that you can restore her marriage and that nothing is too great for the Lord to handle.
In Jesus name, Amen<p>
Dear NP, The Lord is with you thru it all. These kind of trials take more than just faith. They take endurence, and learning to fully trust in the Lord and not in our own abilities. Im not there yet, but i keep getting back on the horse. God is faithful, even when we are faithless. Dont worry about blowin it with your H and loosing all hope in restoration. He isnt the one who is going to restore, and neither are you. Its the Lords Job. Its a daily struggle to leave it in His hands, i know all to well. Cry, pray and talk to the Lord about how you feel. Crying always brings me close to God. Your going to grow close to the Lord thru all this.
Mark

Dear Mark (lost pup(<p>Thank you for praying online with me tonight. I'll be probably here for a while, as I posted in both prayer requests and info on whether to implement plan a anymore and move on to b to restore my sanity. Took some xanex and it's starting to calm me down. Two hard days of being alone and broken in a huge home with your son gone is hard, but when you receive the email that I got yesterday, the hard becomes unbearable. I would like to know more about you and your situation. Will read your post and give you an answer. <p>Thank you for taking the time to pray for, and help give good information to a stranger. I feel that so many of us who live in this little electronic bulletin board are kinda like neighbors. When things get good, or other opportunities, they move along, and we rejoice for them, for their families. But friends remain always.<p>I am so sorry for your situation too. I will pray for you, be sure of that, tonight. I call it my "knee time" b/c to humbly place my heart before God, I feel I must give Him all honor. I pray that you are strong enough and that God use you and us here as positive tools to help you reconstruct your marriage and family. I'll try to keep the armor and not take it off. <p>3 weeks ago, I took off my wedding ring. Funny, I still feel it there. Used to have this habit of twirling it around my finger. Now I do this, not even really realizing, and feel nothing there as I attempt to twist around my finger that something which is not there anymore. After D day #2, I took if off briefly, but never like this.<p>You are so kind hearted. May God bless you and wrap His loving arms around you tonight to embrace you in his all-consuming love. Although none of us can probably experience unconditional love, much less physical things, like a hug, know that through our prayers, we are asking Holy Spirit to descend upon you to give you the strength to hold on and feel the Spirit which is what, I believe, gives us the will to go on and persevere, despite whatever setbacks we encounter. We are on a path and will not falter. <p>I'm going to your posts now. May God's peace, abounding love and grace, and wisdom be yours my friend, as you wrestle and dig into the trenches, as I call it. The special forces in the East right now are doing it--it's a moral war and we are too in those deep trenches and are under heavy fire. But we must stop giving them their ammo. I have given my H and OW ammo yesterday. Today, nothing. Take care, friend. I am praying for restoration and just comfort and peace for now for you. Restoration and recover takes time. I may never even get to experience it, but want it unselfishly for you. We all want the best for each other here. <p>You are with friends and are prayed for by a usually strong, yet recently broken again, prayer warrior. Dig in, keep it up. You will have no regrets of outcome. I still believe in faith, miracles, and friends like you.<p>"Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to stand your ground; and after having done EVERYTHING to stand."<p>God has promised us that . That's my new life verse.

NP,Oh i wish i had some Xanax [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] . I did take it when this all first hit my life 3 years ago and W disapeared with the kids. Then i couldnt get anymore and was not happy. I shut down, lost my job, couldnt get out of bed, my church turned their backs on me, wife stole my money and took a baseball bat to my car window(she has manic depression and was shooting meth) I then ended up in a looney farm myself cause i was suicidal. They gave me paxil [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] and it made me worse. I felt like i was in hell. I walked out of the mental ward sold all i had, lost my house, ended up homeless and turned to God with all that i had left in a cold warehouse. God came and comforted me and lifted me out of the pit i was in, but the enemy has thrown me back many times since. Thats the fun stuff that happened that i can acually laugh about now. I could write a book about my wonderful journey, but would be too painful. <p>My W is doing well today and has 1 year clean and sober and taking her meds daily. Shes in a half way treatment house and spends 2-3 nights a week with me. There still is a long ways to go and a lot of rough edges, not to mention a very angry devil but the Lord has done many miracles along the way, and we are in love with each other again and that can also be rough and scary. She came back to me many times, but her heart wasnt really in it until a year ago. She said the bottom hit her that time. <p>I guess im here to pray and encourage others. Restoration doesnt happen over night. I expected it to. I have told the Lord many times how i dislike His timing. So i have keeped praying and crying and never give up.(maybe a few times)But, the spirit of the Lord would not let me give up and i tried very hard a few times.
My W and I are almost there. The Lord just has to work out some details. The enemy hasnt been short on schemes. But, the Lord allows it , so i will continue to trust only in Him and not my own efforts that i take great pride in sometimes.<p>NP, I know where your at and know i cant say anything to comfort you. When you start to cry, get alone with God and juust pour out how you feel. His peace will show up, and He will love and encourage you.
PS If you were a Pot head or liked downers like me, be careful of the Xanax. Get off it slowly. And dont take prozac or all the other junk they prescribe. Gods peace is the best...
Mark

Dear Lostpup (mark),<p>Thank you for telling me about yourself and your struggles. Yes, they have been incredibly hard. Sometimes I think that Jerry Springer's producers should just read the posts on this web site to find his future guests. Ha.<p>I am having a very very rocky morning. Actually did sleep last night. I do not know what to do. H actually spends more time w/son now b/c we are separated. H was always too busy to see and tend to son's needs. Now, he at least sees him for one whole day (never does two nights) and that is wierd. Almost makes him be able to justify his situation.<p>No, never used any kind of drugs, except those prescribed by physician. I'm actually, in my former life before M, before son, a health care professional. Although still licensed, I quit b/c H wanted me instead to help w/his business. But if we look carefully at MB principles, which I'm trying to learn about and break down for my brain, which is overloaded and fried, that A's and addictions are very similar in the pattern the WS's are. Both have withdrawal periods. Both involve waffling back and forth. I have nicknamed my H "Waffle House King" so for any who read this, I'll refer to whk. I call his OW, "Silicon Co-Dependent Trashbag" so I'll call her scdt. How about that? <p>I have very little humor left and no more tears to cry. Please read my post in Plan A & B. That is what I'm struggling with now. Do not know what to do at all. I know that I cannot stay in this city any longer. I live in the Beaver Cleaver-land suburbs and am about 20 miles from the biggg city here in GA. He lives in apt. downtown near the really cool places. He is drinking (I don't believe he does it every day), seeing his OW, and a very fallen Christian. Hurts so much b/c he laughs at me when I tell him of my faith. Even snickers. Says he doesn't know who I am. I became saved when I was in 2nd grade. I went to a private, Christian school and there was this missionary who spoke to us during our weekly bible assembly. He spoke of working with abused kids. No one ever knew of any of my pain, including teachers or friends. On the outside, I was this cute little girl who made good grades and was from a happy family. Remember crying so hard during that service. I accepted Christ that day. I had so many years of pain. Although no one knew it. It was always that my mom would tell me that I'm not smart enough (making a 3.8 instead of 4.0 gpa) or got second place in a beauty contest (started young), then I grew. At 16 I was Miss Teen Tennessee. Never was good enough. And when I told her otherwise or got upset, I was either hit or scratched. I have tiny little scars on my wrists where she would grab me and sink her nails into my skin. In college, still had to prove myself to her, to everyone else or I wasn't worth anything. Became ambitious just to have or be worthy of love. <p>Now I am in this situation. My past, which was up till now, was never dealt w/properly by a counselor is now. It's like all of the past problems combining w/the present M situation. I lost my dad 9 months after my little boy was born. I got severely ill w/pregnancy-induced toxemia and had to give birth 2 mos. early by emergency c-section. Son was extremely small. Because of my background, I knew the odds and risks. He was in intensive care for a month. God was so good to me and our son. He is healty and wonderful. The light that shines in my life. Please keep your faith. You will have severe ups and very severe downs too. <p>I am praying for you and thank you for your prayers for me and my family. Pray for my H, that he finds his faith again and turns from OW and to God. If he does that, then I'm sure he will return to us. I'm praying that you two will stay and help each other through your hard times. I have decided not to drink alcohol (never been more than a margarita or glass of wine anyway), because that just adds to depression. Consider that also. Take up some form of exercise together, that releases similar hormones in brain that can boost your spirits, but you will only have positive, not adverse side effects. I'm praying for you and keeping my armor on for another day. Dreading the time today when my H comes back to drop off son. I do not want to see him anymore. It hurts me too much now. I broke down this weekend and he proved how much he cared--not one phone call or anything. <p>God Bless You Both. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Not Peachy,
I tried to post you last night but my daughter was here and hit something and I lost it. <p>I am at the end of my patience tonight and I ask the Lord what He wants from me. <p>I hope He enlightens you too, to let you know if you should go back to Tennessee or not. I know how hurtful it is to see your H act like this. <p>You are not alone. I wish I could comfort you but I'm really far away. Where do you live? Anywhere near Smyrna?

Hi Tryingtohope,<p>I live in Suwanee, near Fulton Co. line. Is that close, I'm a stranger around these here parts. Sent B letter 5 minutes ago and my counselor is phoning soon. Please email and maybe we could meet.

I live near Nashville.
Morriggs@yahoo.com