I'm a regular on the GQII board. Like many here, have been thru the ringer and now D. <p>My XH is a repeat offender of infidelity and made babies with other women during our marriage and lied about the existence of one of them to get me to reconcile. Now years later he has done it again and revisted the A with one of the women he inpregnated. Left me again and then D me.<p>I want so bad to be released from this anger. It's tearing me apart at the seams. I pray all the time, I get on my knees and I tell God I will do anything He wants of me, just please give me some peace. I've read books, I've counseled but the anger never leaves me. Horrible thoughts go thru my head, ways to seek revenge, to hurt my H in a way so his heart and mind will be consummed with anguish like mine is.<p>I don't want to be this person I've become. I want to let the anger go, I want to forgive, how do I do it? If I can't rid myself of the anger and hate, what will happen to me. Will I be a lonely bitter, callous, mean person the rest of my life? Please, can someone help me that has been where I am, how did you exorcise these feelings for good from your life?<p>I really need all your prayers. I can't live like this.<p>Stats: I've been separated for 19 mos, D for 5 mos.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong>I really need all your prayers. I can't live like this.<p>Stats: I've been separated for 19 mos, D for 5 mos.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi, Resilient,
I have read many of your posts on GQII, and I think you are a MOST resilient, intelligent, strong woman! <p>DO NOT let this man tear you up inside like this....I just returned home from SUnday night service at church. I don't usually attend on Sunday night, just b/c I feel like I "need" the evening before the week starts to "get myself ready" to face the week. Dumb, huh? Trying to do THAT without the Lord! Ah, well.<p>Anyway, what I heard tonight might help YOU through this dark time. Our pastor was preaching about Jericho, and the "walls" that had to come down, so the people of Israel could pass by on their way to the promised land. He said that Jericho blocked their way from entering their rest in the promised land. I see your anger as YOUR "Jericho." Your walls that you have to gain power over, get past, release, etc. in order to get to the Lord's peace for you.<p>He DID say it is something we have to MASTER in our mind. I am also reading "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer right now, too. I speaks of taking control over our mind and thoughts, too. Seems easy enough, but it isn't! It's a constant struggle, and can pull us down, as you are experiencing.<p>Well, I don't know how much help I've been, just wanted to pass along what was shared with me tonight about how important it is to our future happiness to "conquer" our Jericho. It can only happen with the Lord's help, so I'll pray with you that the Lord gives you His peace, and removes the anger, and reveals whatever other "evil" thoughts He wants OUT of your mind!<p>He's waiting to love you, to forgive you for this, and to give you great things! You just need to believe that He will do all His Word promises for you......<p>God Bless,
Lupo<p>[ November 04, 2001: Message edited by: lupolady ]</p>

Hi Resilient,
I'm so sorry to hear you're having a rough time. You were so valiant in your efforts to save your marriage. If I were more like you, maybe my love could have reached my H. I don't have the tolerance that you do. The nicest thing I can say about your H is that he is a stupid fool to have ever let you go. Maybe even that isn't appropriate for the prayer forum, but the Bible does say to speak the truth. I hope my comments don't offend. I came here to post a prayer request of my own. I had a resurgance of anger today, and this is the kind of prayer that helps me. I had a period of several months where I said this kind of prayer. Hope it helps you too.<p>Lord, I lift up my heart to you and ask that you take it from me. Reveal to me the things inside which don't belong. Please soften my heart and give it back to me when you're done. I know I asked you to do this yesterday. I could feel that my heart was softer for a while, and I praise for you for answering my prayer. All too soon my heart has hardened once again. Please soften my heart. Remove from it the anger, bitterness and resentment that plagues me. I want to be a better person, the person you want me to be. I know this is possible, and I have faith that it will be so. IJN Amen<p>Jo, anger is a tough one to get rid of, and it tends to come back easily. Pray long and hard and often. I'll be praying with you.

Hey Resilient,
You know whenever I feel so angry and upset like that, just full of hatred and ill-will, I stop. Sit down somewhere quiet and ask myself, "What am I soooo hurt about?"<p>I pray and confess to God my anger and what I'm angry about then I try to get to the root of what is hurting me. Bring it all out in your time with God.<p>What your ex is doing is extremely hurtful to you. So ask yourself why? Do you still love him? Fine, then pray and ask God to help him. That is how we "bless those who have despitefully used us," by asking God to bless them! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It gets us out of the way for God to deal with the offender, AFTER THAT God can help US!<p>When we are wrathful, it gets in the way of God working His vengeance. Isn't it better if God dealt with those who have hurt us? What a better way for your husband to be dealt with than for God to get through to him and change his heart.<p>Your H is not your enemy, the devil is your enemy. He is tormenting you with thoughts of all this infidelity and cheating and how it has hurt you in the past. This is not God's will for you and you know it.<p>It's going to be okay but I think you need to figure out how come it still hurts you so much and ask God to heal the hurts. Once the hurts are healed, the anger will dissipate. I'm sure of it! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Amen to this. God can do anything and he will in our spouses.

You guys are wonderful ... thank you for helping me. I read and re-read your posts a couple times.<p>It's frightening how anger can take you over. My entire body and spirit feels consumed with it at times. And I know it's been nearly 18 mos since I've been separated, and I promise I'm making every effort at moving forward, but why is it taking so long? I feel so HIGH maintenance.<p>
BTDT
I absolutely love the idea that I should ask God to Bless my H, and that will get me out of the way so God can do His job. I did it when I was reading your post and it felt so good. For some reason it's easier to ask God to Bless him as opposed to asking God to help me forgive him.<p>How do you know this spiritual stuff? I know I'm not very Holy or anything, but I do believe in God and that Jesus is His Son and died for our sins to save us. But knowing how to pray and what to ask for is beyond me. I was brought up strict Catholic and was taught to pray specific prayers. So when I talk or pray to God, I just ask for what I need and promise I'll be a better person. Wish I knew better how to talk to him so I felt closer to Him.<p>LupoLady
You've been a lot of help. I waited here after posting this thread for someone to respond to me and there you were. Thank you! I remember the story of the Walls of Jerico from Bible Study and Catechism and I've heard really good things of the book you recommended "Battle Field of the Mind", I plan on buying it. I love to read. In the last two years my personnal library is full of nothing but self-help books. I've read so many on "Anger", and have done the exercises, but there are blocks of times where the Anger sneaks up on me, I have no idea what the triggers are. I usually internalize it and turn it inward, it hurts unbelievably ... like I could explode. <p>Lonesome Heart
You always post to me. Thank you. Your comments don't offend me regarding my H, he IS a stupid [censored]. <p>No kidding, I want God to soften my heart too. I have the worst fears I'll end up being alone because I'll be so hard and mean after all this. I wish my heart and spirit was like it was when I was a small. You're so right, LH. Anger is a tough one and it does come back easily. It feels like it has the potential to destroy me. But I'm not going to let it. I'm fighting it with all my will. I hope one day I won't have to fight so hard. LH, you are in my prayers too. I'm sorry you hurt and feel this same pain. Just know you're not alone in what you're struggling with.<p>Morriggs
Thank you for your "Amen", and reminding us we're not the ones in charge.<p>God Bless you All, I needed your words and they did help me.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ November 06, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Hey Resilient Jo,
I have come to realize that I have to get real with God. My most recent "revelation" was that I was angry WITH GOD! Imagine that? The ONE and Only One who could HELP ME! I never thought *I* could stoop that low, but after I kept asking and asking and asking why am I angry and why again, I realized that I was angry with God. I was shocked and horrified at myself!<p>One of the best prayers I ever heard comes from a lady preacher named Joyce Meyer, she said, "God, if You don't help me, I'll do it again!" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] It just cracked me up because it was so down to earth and sooo true and so appropriate to my situation (dealing with anger & unforgiveness!)<p>Anger eats us up because behind it is the evil spirit of murder. THAT's why it is so important to root it out of the inside of us. It consumes us like a spiritual cancer if we don't ask God's forgiveness for US and then to bless the person we have had it out for.<p>And you know? God will send people into that other person's life to speak His truth into them--people that they will listen to, even if these people say the same things to them that we had been saying all along but their ears were blocked or the timing wasn't right or whatever.<p>You're going to make it. It's about you, you know. It's not about what he & OW did to hurt you because what they did to you will NEVER be okay. He can NEVER make it up to you! Only God can but we have to give God the chance! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>That's what they mean by "let go and let God." Let go of what we can't control (circumstances, other people, out-of-control emotions), and let God take over by blessing others, changing the circumstances, comforting us... as many times in a day as we need it! <p>We can only live in and enjoy right now, this moment, so we have to forget about yesterday and tomorrow. Faith is good for right now only. Best wishes to you! See you out there on GQII. <3<3<3

Dear Resiliant, My W was also a serial cheater. Its a pain that almost took my life, cause i tried to take my life. i was able to forgive my W by asking the Lord to love her thru me and spending a lot of time on my face to the Lord. We have been seperated for 3 years and seeing each other for the last year. Just when i thought it was all going so well, i had enemies come from every direction. My inlaws have always been my enemys but they have grown more evil and relentless. My entire family has now turned on me. They all seek to destroy my W and my relationship. They are starting to win. I am becoming very angry again. I too want vengance. I must admit, ive been consumed with it recently. My W is mentally ill and they are destroying her and turning her againts me. Im finding i am wanting to turn againts her, to teach her a lesson. But she never learns. This all doesnt seem real. I have been going thru this for years, and i wonder how much i can take before i seek vengance or just give up. I know how to allow God to deal with the anger, but im finding when you become angry with God also, for allowing so much hell that its hard to turn fully back to Him.
I dont think we take being crucified so well. Jesus had the power to destroy those who crucified Him, but He choose not to. I guess im getting to the point once again were i cant handle this and the Lord needs to handle it for me. If i dont, the devil will get the glory for restoring my marriage and family and not God, because i want to compleatly destroy all those who are coming againts the restoration of my M. I have even thought about finding those whom played a part in tearing it apart.
I think we need to get alone with the Lord more and ask Him to please help us and forget about the circumstances. I could use some prayer myself right now. I want to run as far as i can and never look back, but Jonah keeps coming to mind.
Mark