Hi Everyone,<BR>My H and I have been separated since 8/5 because he had and is having an affair with a co-worker. We have been married for six years and have a beautiful two year old daughter. I suspected that he had been having an affair back in May (almost immediately after the affair started). He had all the classic symptoms: he suddenly became very bitter and angry, and had unexplained absences. I confronted him on 6/18 after he had been out late; he denied the affair at first, but four days later he confirmed it. I asked him to leave if he didn't end the affair...he left for one night, but came home the next day claiming that he had ended the affair and wanted to work things out. A few weeks past and I found recent love letters from the OW in his wallet. One of the letters read something like this: "I love you and will love you forever...and don't wish for sex on your birthday because you know that you are getting plenty of that!" I asked him about the letters (because he wasn't to have any contact with her), and he said that he had lunch with her on his b-day bcz he knew that she was hurting. I blew off the love letters, but I still suspected that he was seeing her. On 7/22 my co-worker and I followed him at lunch, and sure enough we watched my H go to a park alone and a few minutes later the OT showed up w/lunch for them. I decided to confront them...it was a very bad scene. I regret that I did this, but what really got me is that she had no shame and was very snide. I kicked him out of the house that afternoon (I regret this also). But, at the time I was so angry and hurt. My H lived in and out of motels for awhile, and then asked if he could come back home...live in the basement just to help out with our daughter. That lasted a week. He is pretty much living w/ the OW now in a bad part of town w/ her two kids (she's been married twice). But, after I got over the anger and hurt, I started to treat him w/kindness and pray like I never have before. I don't want a divorce...we had something really special at one time and I want that back. And, I know that I am partially responsible for this mess. However, we are dangerously close to a divorce. We have both seen lawyers. However, something amazing has happened recently...I feel closer to him now than I ever have before...I feel more passion for him now than I ever have before. So, I have asked him to consider coming home and working things out. And, for about a week, it looked like he was going to come home, but then suddenly his attitude changed again, and that he was thinking about filing. I keep trying to reach out to him...I know I didn't handle the situation well, but I really want to save our marriage and family. My question is: Do you think I should keep trying, or just give up? Do you think that I should keep trying to reach out to him? He really is a good person that is caught up in a bad situation. Thanks for your help!

I too am a junior member. My husband too is no living at home, though he is at his parents for now. I had to do some soul serching to figure out what I really wanted. A divorce or my life back. I want my life back and my husband. You have to decide if you love him enough to put up with the garbage they will dish out at you daily. One minute they want sex, or want to be with family and the next they are ready to run for cover. Remember, THEY are the confused ones. They think they are right in doing what they did. It will take time for them to come out of la la land. Hang in there. My husband did not want to have to go to Thanksgiving with him and our kids one day and now he is cooking dinner himself and invited us all over, including me. We are two months into this thing. He still works with O/W uugg. Hope this helps!

Welcome <B>Sleepless in STL</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principals and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! You'll need to start with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>As far as the <B>divorce</B>... try and hold off on this... for as long as possible!<P><B>Yes</B> Do keeptrying... <BR><B>Don't</B> give up...<BR><B>Yes</B> keep trying to reach out to him?... that is what <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is for.<BR>We know "H really is a good person that is caught up in a bad situation"... that's why we're here! <P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. This is the cornerstone text.<BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>But most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>But just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>Your probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 24, 1999).]

sleepless,<P>You have come to the right board for assistance. In my opinion NSR and K can give you the best whole scoop about this site and the Harley principles and books. My suggestions are ... read the articles on this site, especially how to deal with an affair (3 articles, for the 3 stages). Read the book "Surviving an Affair". You have to decide your course of actions. In the book and on this website, it discusses the PLAN A and PLAN B methods of attempting to bring your spouse out of marriage withdrawal and out of the affair. Some of what you have done is considered Lovebusting and damages your chances of getting your spouse to come around. The next few months (it sounds like you have already had some bad ones) will still be tough and the pain will take time to get over. But...if your spouse is not living with you, in my opinion it makes it harder to try to work on your marriage and is easier for them to stay attached to the other person. The "magic" mark of six months is coming up when the initial passion of affair may start to fade. His attempts at leaving the OW have failed, because his affair is like an addiction. He needs to completely break it off, no contact. My prayers are with you and I feel your pain.

Hi, Sleepless - and welcome.<P>Amazing coincidence - I've been separated since 8/5 too.<P>You've gotten some good advice. And don't worry too much about the waffling - it's normal. <P>You'll know when it's time to give up. Only when YOU'RE ready. Until then, give it all you've got. And come here when you need a hand.<P>Lori