My husband left me 6 years ago after numerous EA - perhaps one long mid-life crisis - a year later our son was concieved and on the day I found out about my son I also found out about his physical affair. Using the tough-love approach, I went and hired an aggresive lawyer and with many sad choices he pushed and our marriage ended. We are still very much in-love, but he continues to pursue younger women/babies - and I continue to believe God intended us to be together....or is it satan controlling my thoughts and telling me lies? We are both 40 and I put him through college 5 years ago. Now he works at a hospital with many needy younger women and he tends to be a rescuer. Actually I believe it is his gift - to help others out - but it has turned into his biggest downfall. I have not dated - nor do I get calls - my priority is my son - yet it is so very lonely.
Daily I pray for acceptance and release from my emotional bondage to my ex-H.....am I crazy - can a reconcilation be possible? We talk daily, take trips together, not much physical contact fortunately - boundaries are helpful...I feel so stuck and I get so angry angry angry - I would like to date if I had the options - my loyalty and belief in one mate for life seems to be killing me from the inside out - 6 years is an eternity....I would like to have someone reach out to me to help me please....MB

Kordelia, I am sorry you are hurting. You are in a good place. Have you been in couseling individually or with ex-spouse. Read on this board, and also on the itternet there are other good sites for support.<p>I do not have advice for you really , but will try to give you encouragement.<p>I have not been divorced yet, but my H had an affair. It ended, but I am afraid of it restarting... she broke it off, and he is hurt.... AGGH! right now.<p>I am sorry your spouse went for other women... more than 1 is awful... I know about mid life crisis, but do not stop respecting yourself.<p>These affairs are awful betrayals of his obligations and commitments to you when married. You cannot control him now, but sounds like you are hoping to reconcile eventually. Maybe you will, please do not waste your life waiting.<p>Maybe you should consider dating, or at least trying it.<p>I think it might be good to outline what a healthy marriage is, and what you want from a marriage- and think about whether he did this for you, and if he could again? If like me, I am sure you will hope that he can and believe that he could if he wanted to.<p>Today - a marriage counselor asked me... If my H is not going to change and work hard on marriage would it be clear to me that we should divorce... I reluctantly sd yes, because the state of the marriage is unfair to me and not loving and kind and nurturing to me.<p>I love my H and I am totally oppossed to divorce, and I understand your continuting love for your spouse.<p>My mother in law has been divorced over 20 yrs and never remarried, and even 7-8 yrs ago I think she was trying to get him back... etc... but this has made her grow old alone. I am sad to see her pain and what her ex did to her.... and what she let him take from her in life.<p>You can remarry and have a happy life with someone who will love and respect you just like you do him. YOu can be on equal give and take footing with a spouse the way it should be.<p>Read all you can on this site, try Dr. Harley's books, His Needs, Her Needs, How to fall in love and stay In Love (I think that is the title)- Dr. Harley and the support on this site has a unigue PRO marriage perspective that I am not getting out there in the real world... although here we are in the real world... <p>I am tired as it is early am and I awoke with worry and back pain, going to lay down again... as I think my thoughts are losing coherency///<p>God bless you, do some nice things for you. Take care of you. I am sorry that you have been hurt and are still hurting. Pray for your spouse. Let go and let GOd take this from you.<p>Blessings, Lisa

Hi Kordelia:<p>Welcome to MB site. Many of us here find much comfort from each other and from prayer. It is good to see you here, although I'd rather you were in a happy, fulfilled M and NOT here!<p>Anyway, I hope you found your way around the site, and have read all the helpful information. <p>I'm so sorry to read about how horrible these last 6 years have been for you. Don't really know what to advise you, except to say that you should remember NO ONE can advise you, only God Himself, which it sounds like you know.<p>How long have you been M? Six years is a long time to be in "limbo" as you have been. I do NOT believe that has been God's Will, although I may be wrong. You have come to the right place....I believe God is ready to show you some direction and give you answers.....hang in there, and keep praying and we will help lift you up!<p>It's very early, yes, but I must get ready to go to work now. I will check in with you later. I will lift you up to the Lord in prayer. Believe He is ready to reveal Himself and His Will to you very clearly now, Kordelia, and He will!!<p>God Bless,
Lupo

I will be praying for your marriage. Please visit www.restorem.org. It is very good and also encouraging. Email me when you get a chance. I have an ebook I would like to send you.
Morriggs
morriggs@yahoo.com

I do appreciate all the input and advice - I frequently feel like I am wasting my time hoping for something and realize it is mainly trying to appease the fear of living alone and growing old alone - as far as dating - I would love to go out casually with someone - yet no options have presented themselves to me. I work a great deal and keeping up a house and a child leaves little time for socializing. I have made a new committment to go to church weekly- esp. for my son - who I pray God will bring a mentor into his life to show him how a Godly father could be - I also have begun to read the Psalms and pray daily which I have been doing all along but my heart was elsewhere...I was married to my h for 13 years and although it wasn't always special ... I have grown so much since - these 6 years -and know as well that the growth wouldn't have occurred if he hadn't of left me. I do not like being alone and believe God's promises -He doesn't want us to want for anything nor to be alone - I would like to remarry someday and yes to someone who I could be a team with and be treated with respect ...but as I said even dating seems like such a remote thing. I am also weary of family and friends suggesting I date and move on - like duh-you think I enjoy this misery? - of course I would like to date - but I also don't want to expose myself to a lot of disappointment...do you ever go to church thinking-"perhaps this could be the day ?' 0r 'check that guy - nope he has a ring on"....so I am open to an opportunity yet I am not trolling for other's husband. I smile when I think I even have myself listed on a dating website, but have had no responses - I think I scare men off with my list of requirements - I even mention J.Dobson --- isn't it funny what one can do in desperation? I also am looking to restorem.com and have changed my M.O. with my ex. - especially about the no-call issue. My ex. is a lost soul who , even up to this morning, keeps vascilating between me and being alone so he can keep his options open. He came on pretty strong physically today too which my son, in God's providence, came and interupted. My prayers are that ultimately my ex. comes to a deep commitment to Christ and only then could I accept a relationship with him - no compromise - he, I believed was a Christian when we married - but with his behavior and affairs I do not really know if it is just sin/back sliding - or if he wasn't of Christ to begin with. Also - is it an affair if you are no longer married to a man? We do not have a legal commitment - yet I still feel he is cheating on me when he is with other women. I do not believe he is still with the 31 year old of late since he is trying to be cozy with me - yet I still felt very betrayed to find evidence of her presence and of their sexual activity at his place. I am rambling - I appreciate having somewhere to vent - I tend to not talk to anyone about this because they already have heard it all and think I have moved on....Now that the holidays are coming, his family is asking him to bring me along - even though the last family gathering in Oct. he brought the 31 yr old. Prayers and more Prayers - I continue to work on myself and acceptance that
God can change and will change things in His time- even as far as bringing a man to date into my life. I feel better already....Anyone know a good Christian man in Oregon who is unattached and looking for a date? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Sweetheart, <p>After being divorced 6 years, I certainly believe that you should move on. How long is it "acceptable" for you to wait, even if the relationship was restructured?<p>You need to look out for yourself and you son now. You need to face the fact that is it extremely likely that your ex-husband will never be the man that you want him to be. I respect your fidelity and the amount of caring that you have in your heart, but hanging on like this cannot be healthy for you (or even your son).<p>You say that no options (dating) have presented themselves to you. Have you made yourself available in social situations? Have you attended your church's divorce support and/or singles events? If you're looking for a quality person, both are great places to start...<p>If you're a bit more adventureous, try posting a Christian personal: (cut and paste the text below into your browser, both lines)
http://search.excite.com/search.gw?c=web&search=christian+personals<p>As a woman, you're very much in the minority on the internet... If you post an ad, you WILL get a response, so don't even think about rejection! If I was a woman, it would be a great way to go because you can be totally discreet and VERY pickey. You said you've tried this - post on more than one site!!<p>I'm suprised that you feel that dating will expose you to disappointment. Dating will expose you to people who are going to try and make you laugh, have a good time, and want to get to know them. Sure, you probably won't find a compatable person right away, but you will meet a lot of nice people and hopefully make some new friends!<p>Your ex is a piece of work. I can remember when I was running around (not married) back in my college years. I thought that physical intimacy would bring personal fullfillment. It's very likely that your ex would love to have a physical relationship with you as well as a few other women. As men, we are wired this way by default.<p>Keep your boundaries clear and define them well to your ex. Don't get yourself in situations that could cause problems. I recognize you as someone that could be damaged even more emotionally if you fell into the trap of a physical relationship at this point. Be careful.<p>If you really want to "TRY" and work things out with him, don't be PASSIVE. STOP waiting for him to change. Invite him to church with you - he'll either accept or decline the offer. Church is safe and it just might put a bit of perspective in his life. It seems to me, just by your description of his behavior that it would take a lot to make him change into someone that you'd be happy with.<p>
You are obviously a Christian woman. I think you're making a very typical Christian mistake, that is, you're waiting for God to provide something in your life for you. God is much more likely to provide the opportunities (doors). You're going to have to step through those doors on your own. Let your faith carry you over your fears of rejection and negative outcomes... Use the tools that God has already given you to do something for yourself!<p>
Bless you... I wish you the best.<p>-d<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by kordelia:
<strong>I do appreciate all the input and advice - I frequently feel like I am wasting my time hoping for something and realize it is mainly trying to appease the fear of living alone and growing old alone - as far as dating - I would love to go out casually with someone - yet no options have presented themselves to me. I work a great deal and keeping up a house and a child leaves little time for socializing. I have made a new committment to go to church weekly- esp. for my son - who I pray God will bring a mentor into his life to show him how a Godly father could be - I also have begun to read the Psalms and pray daily which I have been doing all along but my heart was elsewhere...I was married to my h for 13 years and although it wasn't always special ... I have grown so much since - these 6 years -and know as well that the growth wouldn't have occurred if he hadn't of left me. I do not like being alone and believe God's promises -He doesn't want us to want for anything nor to be alone - I would like to remarry someday and yes to someone who I could be a team with and be treated with respect ...but as I said even dating seems like such a remote thing. I am also weary of family and friends suggesting I date and move on - like duh-you think I enjoy this misery? - of course I would like to date - but I also don't want to expose myself to a lot of disappointment...do you ever go to church thinking-"perhaps this could be the day ?' 0r 'check that guy - nope he has a ring on"....so I am open to an opportunity yet I am not trolling for other's husband. I smile when I think I even have myself listed on a dating website, but have had no responses - I think I scare men off with my list of requirements - I even mention J.Dobson --- isn't it funny what one can do in desperation? I also am looking to restorem.com and have changed my M.O. with my ex. - especially about the no-call issue. My ex. is a lost soul who , even up to this morning, keeps vascilating between me and being alone so he can keep his options open. He came on pretty strong physically today too which my son, in God's providence, came and interupted. My prayers are that ultimately my ex. comes to a deep commitment to Christ and only then could I accept a relationship with him - no compromise - he, I believed was a Christian when we married - but with his behavior and affairs I do not really know if it is just sin/back sliding - or if he wasn't of Christ to begin with. Also - is it an affair if you are no longer married to a man? We do not have a legal commitment - yet I still feel he is cheating on me when he is with other women. I do not believe he is still with the 31 year old of late since he is trying to be cozy with me - yet I still felt very betrayed to find evidence of her presence and of their sexual activity at his place. I am rambling - I appreciate having somewhere to vent - I tend to not talk to anyone about this because they already have heard it all and think I have moved on....Now that the holidays are coming, his family is asking him to bring me along - even though the last family gathering in Oct. he brought the 31 yr old. Prayers and more Prayers - I continue to work on myself and acceptance that
God can change and will change things in His time- even as far as bringing a man to date into my life. I feel better already....Anyone know a good Christian man in Oregon who is unattached and looking for a date? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote>

Dearest Darin - I took your advice and signed up for another website - I am not savvy enough to put up a photo though - which I think would help my opportunities - but then I tell myself looks shouldn't matter, but this is different....I really appreciate your sincere and heart-felt reply - I felt the love my friend - I also agree with you that I am vulnerable right now and need to develop some safe male relationships so I develop some adult social interaction skills. I work with high school kids all day(10 hrs.) and sometimes, even at 40, find myself relating too much to them. I have 5 brothers who have been basically telling me the same thing but are much harsher now after so much time has passed - pray for me to look for those open doors and windows and to step on through.... Mary Beth

MB - <p>If you'd like some help posting a picture, just send me an email (my email address should be in my signature). I work with computers for a living.<p>Do you have any electronic pictures of yourself? If not, you can simply take one down to your local Kinkos and they can scan it in and put it on a disc for you.<p>Good luck...<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by kordelia:
<strong>Dearest Darin - I took your advice and signed up for another website - I am not savvy enough to put up a photo though - which I think would help my opportunities - but then I tell myself looks shouldn't matter, but this is different....I really appreciate your sincere and heart-felt reply - I felt the love my friend - I also agree with you that I am vulnerable right now and need to develop some safe male relationships so I develop some adult social interaction skills. I work with high school kids all day(10 hrs.) and sometimes, even at 40, find myself relating too much to them. I have 5 brothers who have been basically telling me the same thing but are much harsher now after so much time has passed - pray for me to look for those open doors and windows and to step on through.... Mary Beth</strong><hr></blockquote>

If you are saved and you are a believer, go to Joyce Meyer Ministries - she is a Christian TEACHER. <p>She explains that when we are 'walking in the spirit' and NOT THE FLESH, then whatever we're dealing with should not be such a struggle and should go fairly smoothe. <p>when God gives us something to do, overcome or handle in our lives, he also gives us the grace (ability, power, etc.) to go thru it, overcome it or tolerate it. <p>He provides EXACTLY what we need (grace) to do what it is He wants us to do in every incident in life. <p>If it's our doing, NOT God's, she says it produces INTOLERANCE, FRUSTRATION, NO PEACE, NO RESULTS, no progress and it's always struggling, struggling, struggling. <p>Maybe you might want to ask Jesus if this is HIS direction.<p>Seems this H of yours has had too many EA's and he just wants his cake and eat it too. <p>Maybe he loves himself more than anything or anyone, maybe he has obviously a SEVERE intense ego problem and needs to constantly impress and build himself up AT YOUR EXPENSE. Selfishness takes and has no regard for others.<p>LOVE GIVES - LOVE GIVES OF ITSELF - IT'S NOT SELFISH. Doesn't make up excuses to keep doing wrong, causing hurt, disregarding feelings of others. THAT'S NOT LOVE...

Jordan - thanks for the thoughts - I will look into the J Meyers Ministries - I tend to look for a definitive answer from people -which is so very wrong - after reading items and issues from this site and restore ministries, I am more focused on Christ than ever and have been overcome with feelings that amaze me. For example, my prayer life is so important to me and I see things happening in my ex's life - just in the last days that I can't believe... my attitude is so much more one of peace as well. I would now ask that prayers for his coverage when it comes to evil influences that are presenting themselves to him. I don't mind so much if his life is one of difficulty because I want him to turn to the Lord. He - my ex - is making huge moves in my direction and the funny thing is it scares me to death. I will not compromise for someone who isn't committed to Christ and so a new relationship is developing on a daily basis between us. It is all through God's power because before I would just give up and give in to anything my ex. asked for out of desperation....now I actually feel nervous around him - almost giddy - not due to love but due to a peace that the next move to be made is beyond my plans or hopes - God is in the driver's seat. I do not want to be married to the man who left 6 years ago - I want a new relationship with a new Christian man - and I essentially shared this with him. I think he is curious as well as amazed by the individual I am becoming. Please pray that I continually search for God's will in my life and that I am willing to follow it with His power. -- Mary Beth

Kordelia,
I can't remember if I sent you the ebook yet. I have lost your email addy, so please email me and let me know if I did. I have been pretty busy lately and tend to be foregetting things. I am praying for you though, don't ever doubt that.
Barb
morriggs@yahoo.com

Kordelia,<p>I am so sorry that you are feeling such a terrible pain. But I am well acquainted. My husband just revealed to me that he has been cheating for the 2 years that we have been married and the 4 we have known each other prior to that. It is an awful pain, I know.<p>But, God loves you. I was crying out in my spirit one day at work and God led me to the Psalms. It really blessed me, because my instinct is to hang on and try to work it out--NOT DIVORCE! God does not want that so, I will write the words that encouraged me so much that day. <p>PSALMS 27<p>The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear, the Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid....for in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavillion; in the secret place of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up on a rock (God knows I wanted to hide)...and now shall my head be lifted up above my enemies round about me (lift up your head Kordelia, God has not forgotten you) therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing praises unto the Lord!.....I HAD FAINTED UNLESS I HAD BELIEVED TO SEE THE GOODNESS OF THE LORD IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING...WAIT ON THE LORD; AND BE OFGOOD COURAGE AND HE SHALL STRENGTHEN THINE HEART WAIT I SAY ON THE LORD.<p>Oh it blessed me. It still blesses me to write it to you now. Trust the Holy Spirit in you to lead you. Walk on, girl, hold your head up. It is hard, God knows it is hard. But "be strong IN THE LORD (I know your stength is zapped, but God is omnipotent) AND IN THE POWER OF HIS MIGHT.<p>I hope it helped!<p>In His love,<p>
Tracey M.