Yesterday was a hard day for me. I went to a funeral without H. Just being there and not having his support broke my heart. I knew that H could'nt come though, his debts are enormous and he had to work to earn money to pay them off. Trying to understand how he got into this position is hard for me though, there are many many solutions to his problems, but i know i cant give them to him. This is something that he has to work through. Regardless, i feel he wouldn't listen to me at this point.
it was my birthday on the weekend, he was asked by friends to come to my party, which he did. He basically stayed over the whole time, then last night, after i told him about the funeral he pulled back again. It was almost like we hadn't spent so much time together. He left, went back to "his" place, i felt empty once more.
maybe my expectations are to high, i know he has alot to work through and maybe should give him his time and space. I feel the more i push to talk things through with him, the more he pulls away.
Lord, please give me direction, i feel in my heart you do not want me to give up on my marriage, but im suffering and struggling through day by day. The kids are suffering, all of us are on an emotional rollercoaster. Why do i feel like my H is worth all this ????? Is he really worth all this pain??? Lord, please strengthen my resolve again, i feel i have weakened the last two days. Amen

Shinobi, I know this is hard to hear but if you feel empty without H then he was first in your life. He has taken the place of God. Our God is a jealous God. I did the same with my W. I was devestated when she walked out. I felt i had no reason to live. It was then clear to me that she was my God. It took 2 years to break that. Then she came back into my life. We are not together under the same roof yet but I can see God is doing His work on both of us. I find i still fall back into her being first when she hurts me. I think its a daily thing to give them to God and not trust in them for our happiness.
The best thing to do is let the pain draw you to God, for it is there that you will find peace. I believe God starts to restore when our hearts are right and we are ready to handle it. I learned the hard way a year after first seperation. Things became a thousand times worse. I thanked God for restoring my M after 6 month seperation and went back to W being my Idol. Im on 3 and a half year seperation now with serious wreckage to heal from. <p>Dear Lord, I lift Shinobi up to you that you would draw her close to you and show her your Love and mercy. Give her your peace that you cant find from the world or another human. Touch her heart with your Holy Spirit. Deliver her of her fear.
In Jesus name, Amen

Lostpup,
You are so right in what you say. I have put H first in my life and it's only through reading your reply that it has fully dawned on me. My love for him has been selfish in that i never loved the Lord as much as my H.
Is it selfish that now in my time of need i turn back to the Lord? I know in my heart that i am having a major spiritual awakening. I also know that it is Jesus christ who is giving me a sense of peace throughout this time. I feel that very deeply.
My relationship with the Lord is beginning again and i know he is guiding me. When i pray to him i am feeling that what is happening now is the right thing. Not the pain and hurt, yet it is through this that i have found Christ again. Most of the time i feel im being guided to restore my marriage, to be patient and wait for H to return. Though at times i get impatient and question if it really is the Lord telling me to wait.
In my heart, when i pray alone, i know it is.
Please pray for me to be released from selfishness and single mindedness, that i may be always aware of the Lord in my life and not turn him away again.
Lostpup, thankyou for your honesty.

Dear Shinobi, Its not selfish to draw near the Lord. Its what He wants and what He really made us for. To have fellowship with Him. Our trials put us in the arms of the Lord, if we can see thats what they are for. His peace is His perfect love that drives out fear.
God will restore your marriage. It is His will. Most will find an excuse so they can believe otherwise. Trust in God to do it and keep continuing to place your life and marriage in His hands. Its like Abraham putting Issac on the alter to slay him. It wasnt Gods will for Abraham to slay him. God just wanted to see who was first.
God was, so Issac was spared. God already knew it. I think it was an example for us today. Let go of whom is nearest to our hearts and watch God restore. In the mean time, God wants us to get to know Him so much more. Keep drawing near Him. It makes all the hell seem like nothing when of course we keep our eyes on Jesus. Its not always so easy in this world today, but God will see us thru. He will never leave us or forsake us.
Mark

Your words ring true to me.
Im afraid there have been many times in my marriage where i have been the one who hasn't believed it would work, many times where i have pushed my husband away through fear and insecurities.
Those days are no more. God is working with me to restore my faith and my marriage. I am placing my trust in the Lord and his love. Something i should have done a very long time ago.
The peace you speak of i feel everyday when i think of god and pray to make it through this time. I think it is Gods love that will get me through this time, get my children through as well.
Its funny, my friends are not seeing a heartbroken and crying women (thats how i was through our first separation). Of course, there are times when i am alone that i shed tears, but because i do not cry in front of them this time, they believe i am "over" my marriage. That couldn't be further from the truth, i am more committed to my marriage than ever before. Yet this time, i do not feel i need to justify that to anyone, family or friends.
It truly is amazing how much more at peace i feel, and there is only one reason. GOD.
The more i come to this site, the more i feel i am heading in the right direction, that i am standing up for my marriage for the right reasons.
I sincerely pray that all of us here who share our pain and hard times with each other will be given peace through Gods love.
Mark, you have had some hard hard times, three and a half years of separation is a very long time. And yet you stand for your marriage..... through heartache you believe. The Lord will answer your prayers also. I pray that your marriage be reconciled, i pray that you also feel the peace of the Lord throughout your days and nights of lonliness. Amen
Thankyou again Mark for your good words and prayers.
Steph