I just read "Private Lies" and when reading about romantic affairs, I got the impression that Pittman thought lovebusting was just an annoying racket to the betrayer in his fantasy and really didn't make a lot of difference. My question for all of you is, did your spouse do any lovebusting? Even if they did, would the strong ties to your marriage before the affair still play a big role?<P>AD

Pittman was correct. <P>But I'll say this, when my wife said she wasn't going to tolerate my behavior anymore, and I realized how much I loved her and how I might lose her, I did change the attitude.<BR>

AD,<P>I'm not sure I understand your question... But almost anything the spouse does is lovebusting when one is in an affair. They can't do <I>anything</I> right. It's because they're being compared to the OP, who is (of course) perfect in every way.<P>So whether the spouse is love-busting or Plan A'ing, it's not a big difference.<P>--andy

airheart,<BR>I think that is also how my H feels. He actually got mad at me for offering to pay off some of our joint debt - even his lawyer doesn't understand that (probably because his lawyer isn't the one having an affair). <P>If it makes no difference, then why bother with Plan A? Sometimes it seems like it just makes him angrier, since the alternative would be feeling guiltier, and he certainly avoids that at all costs. Short of doing anything illegal, perhaps it would be better to not leave them alone to enjoy their little fantasy, to be a major annoyance to the OW, so perhaps at least she would tire of the relationship. In Plan A, he gets left alone, in Plan B, he gets even more left alone. Both of these plans let him avoid dealing with any unpleasant consequences of his actions. The OW told him that couples often get along better after divorce, and Plan A just proves her right.

Nellie, I'll tell you why to bother with Plan A:<P>1) Because he remembers LATER. When it matters. When he is finally committed to rebuilding.<P>2) Because it makes you a better person. You won't be bitter and angry all the time.<P>If you do things to destroy their relationship, do you think he's going to be grateful? No, he'll remember that and probably still have no interest at all in getting back together even without the OP.<P>The wayward spouse must recognize on their own that they want to go back. If you do things to break up the relationship, or if you do other love-busting actions, that will only drive him further away.<P>--andy<P>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited November 25, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited November 25, 1999).]

Oh, airheart, you always keep us on the RIGHT side of good!<P>Happy Turkey Day to you....<P>Roll Me Away

Isaac- what did you mean by:<P>"and I realized how much I loved her and how I might lose her, I did change the attitude"<P>Does this mean that you ended your relationship with OW when your wife made it clear to you that she would not tolerate it?<P>Reason I ask, is that sometimes I wonder whether I am prolonging H's position 'on the fence' by tolerating his behaviour, & attempting a Plan A. I mentioned to him today that I feared he was losing respect for me because I was being so patient with him. He replied that he actually had greater respect for me. Of course, that could be his way of manipulating me into keeping things status quo.<P>Andy- you are right about not being able to do anything right. In the beginning, I was described as "bitter", & unemotional. Now when I break down and cry, I am making him feel guilty. Lose/lose situation. <P>