Hi, everyone. I'm new so I guess I should give some background info. I'm recently divorced after 17 1/2 yrs of marriage. We have 4 children. 17yr old son, 15yr old daughter, 14 yr old daughter, and 12yr old son. My wife left may 28th 2001. She filed for divorce june 28th,and it was final Feb. 21,2002.
I don't know where to start. We both became Christians in 1991. My wife had had an affair, our early marriage was filled with all sorts of evil. I had been abusive, and she had repeatedly cheated on me.
After I accepted Christ in our Pastors ofc. everything changed. The first 2 yrs were amazing especially the first 6 months. We hardly ever had disagreements let alone fights. It seemed Jesus was carrying us around on a pillow. I thought it was all so easy. I guess that when the first real test of my faith came I was unprepared. My mom got cancer, And I prayed so hard for a miracle. I even got my dad to have her tested again, but the cancer was still there. They had to take moms eye out and her upper pallet. I really couldn't believe it. I was so sure there would be a miracle.I felt like God had let me down. Slowly my faith started to erode. But not my wife's. She got involved in alot of ministries,and was a very Godly example. I stopped going to church regularly. I left the spiritual leadership of my family vacant, so Kim took over.I just let her. I was so unsure of myself in God. It took a couple of years but slowly the old me started coming back, not the abuse, but the short temper and critical attitude. I think I resented Kim, and her faith. When I was first saved God placed a call on my life,but I was scared and ignored it.
Kim became a worship leader at church. She started begging me to really draw closer to God, but I was so proud,I wouldn't admit that I needed to. In 1999 we went to a marriage conference. When we left we were like newlyweds. But I didn't keep my commitments for very long. She started drawing away from me. Church became her whole life. She started neglecting her responsibilities at home, many times our kids didn't get dinner until 11pm. I made work my idol, working 80-90 hrs a week.I hated my job, but I served it like I had never served God. I would become angry and yell at her. That just pushed her further away. I've read the journals that she left,"he doesn't know how much he hurts me when he yells at me" It was true. I didn't.
She would withhold sex when she was upset. In oct of 2000 I got on the internet and looked at pornography for the first time since getting saved. I felt so convicted,dirty,and ashamed. I knew I had to tell someone. The next morning I confessed to Kim. She said that she forgave me, but 2 days later she told me she had grounds for divorce,according to her friends at church. I couldn't believe it.Was that forgiveness? I had confessed my sin to her, then she confessed my sin tom 8 women at church. She withheld sex for six weeks, saying she didn't want me thinking of the stuff I'd seen. I worked really hard to try to make it up to her. I was sorry that it had hurt her so badly,but I rationalized to myself that if she didn't use sex as a weapon then I wouldn't have done it. Finally after 6 weeks things suddenly got better. I started attending church. She was so happy. But i felt embarassed at church. After 2 months I stopped going again.
She was so frustrated with me,but I didn't care. She still neglected our family, so I told her if she didn't cook at least one meal a day and make sure I had clean clothes for work I wouldn't give her any money. This went on until the beginning of May. I finally followed through on my threat. I made her give me the atm card and the check book. She blew up,started cursing me and ran out of the door. She got in her car and started to leave, I jumped in to try and calm her down. She sped down the drive way. I threw the car in park, and she started hitting me. Yelling that she hated me. She got out and ran into the field. I got out holding my glasses in pieces,I went inside the kids asked if I was ok. I hadn't noticed my face was covered in blood, from my nose. I found her downtown. She came back home, but told me that as soon as she had enough money she was leaving.She got a job at a gas station. I tried talking to her every couple of days, but she said that "god wanted us to separate for 1 year". I told that was a lie from HELL. Not smart comming from me??!! After 3 wks I tried talking to her once more. She coldly said it wasn't going to work she would be leaving soon. I lost my temper and smashed my fist threw the stereo and told her to leave now if she was going to leave.She left. The next day I realized what I'd done and tried talking to her.She wouldn't talk.
I had a meeting with our pastor and told him what had happened. We agreed to meet the following week. I visited with Kim a couple of times and it seemed things were getting alittle better. I asked her to come to the meeting,and she did. I was such a jerk spouting scripture about how wrong she was. My pastor called me a pharise. From that point on Kim has felt justified. It took me a couple of weeks to really get down to repenting and going back to God. But by this time Kim was going to a domestic abuse counsellor( even though I had not been physically abusive in over 10 yrs.)
She filed for divorce and for a PPO on the same day. I've been dilligantly serving the Lord and have been praying for reconcilliation, but she shows no desire only hatred of me. It is immpossible to talk to her without her screaming at me. I sent her a letter saying some day I'd like to be her friend again. She called me up and yelled that the only relationship she wanted with me was as my EX-WIFE. then she hung up.
Have I screwed up so bad that she will never forgive me? She acts so happy at church. She tells people that she's forgiven me and isn't bitter. So they don't she the bitterness,or the anger. God I'm so sorry. I knpw God has forgiven me. Yet I still miss my family everyday. Somedays I don't think I can make it. Please pray for me and my family.

Hi Jerry,
Welcome to MB (marriage builders).
Let me get all the formalities out of the way first. Make sure you look around this site and read everything you can about Dr Harley and his techniques. Basic concepts is a good place to start, it will give you a feel for the site. There truly is a wealth of information here, good ideas on how to act and react to certain situations. You will also find many people who are in similar situations to yourself and quite often that may help you cope emotionally.
The prayer page where you have come is very supportive. You will find many people here will pray for you and keep you in their thoughts. <p>Your story is heart rendering, whats more, it has gone on for such a long time. Separation from the ones that we love is never an easy thing, im sorry that your W (wife) is also acting very bitter towards you. Its a reminder of the things we have done wrong when people are bitter towards us. Keep your faith Jerry, for that will get you through this, God works in some weird and wonderful ways as you probably already know. W cannot act like she doesn't like or respect you forever, especially if she see's you are a wonderful man. A man who has recognised his mistakes and is moving forward with his life. Who knows, God may also want you to reconcile, that could be part of his plan for you both. But if not, you also need to feel a sense of self worth and self like.
I kind of get the feeling that your wife has hidden from the past, from her mistakes by entrusting her whole life to god as a way to escape her infidelities in your early marriage. I could be wrong about that though. And by all means, i would never say that turning to God was the wrong thing, but to live, one must also deal with the past and move on with Gods help.
Your abuse of her also in your early marriage obviously did alot of damage that she couldn't cope with back then. It seems she is trying to cope now and her way of doing that is by pushing you out totally. If you have been abusive and you realise that maybe some counselling of your own, for yourself might help. Even if it has stopped now, to figure out why it happened and put closure on it for yourself cannot be a bad thing.
God will help you let go of any pain, regret, anger and resentment towards your wife for the hurts that you may feel. Pray, and be faithful to the Lord, for he will see you through this Jerry. He will be the one to fill your heart and mind with peace of self.... and love. All you have to do is ask. Work on yourself, work on becoming a whole person again, in time W will see that you are a beautiful person, that you can also survive pain and suffering.
And remember, no one can ever screw up so bad that they do not deserve forgiveness or second chances. The healing starts with self forgiveness and that can be hard.
Pls, look after you. Try and maintain a good relationship with your kids, love them as much as you can, tell them you love them. Try and spend time with them.
Hope you are doing ok.
Write again and let us know... also know that i am praying for you Jerry.<p>Steph

Thanks for answering my post. I really appreciate it. I'm still praying for reconcilliation. I just pray that W will someday be able to allow us to have a regular conversation. I pretty much stay away from her. I have as little contact with her as possible because I just can't emotionally handle her yelling. I guess that it just shows that the law of sowing and reaping is true.

WHEN MY LIFE WAS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN I WAS HURT AND UPSET ANDLIKE YOUR WIFE WANTED TO GET EVEN, EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE AROUND ME THOUGHT I WAS DOING GREAT. TIME AND PRAY WILL MAKE THINGS BETTER LOOK FOR THE GOOD AND TAKE BABY STEPS THAT IS ALL AND GOD BLESS