Yikes,<BR> After being calm and rational, going out on a pleasant "date" Tuesday, I lost it last night. H spent the day Out while I was working, was especially cool in the evening, then said he was going to sleep in the other bedroom so he could get some sleep. I lost it, cried for awhile alone the went in and told him no it was'nt ok. He came back to our bed, mad, no contct, me saying I need some closeness him saying nothing. Now I'm waiting for him to get up. I feel like I may explode. I feel its bad for my health to hold this all in all of the time (I have a history of cancer) I want to tell him I am starving for some affection, I need to know he cares for me even half as much as he cares for this friend that he claims to not be having an affair with. He is so withdrawn from me, I understand your techniques but what is it doing to my immune system to have this knot in my gut all of the time. I am not good at talking or comfronting at all, but I'm getting to the end of my rope. How can anything change when he is in denial and my being nice and non confrontaional just makes it easier for him to tell his lies or say nothing at all.Thanks for listening Lora

Lora<BR>Are you still there? I had to duck out for a while this morning and I guess I just missed your post.<BR>This is a very hard time for you to keep your emotions in check. try to take care of yourself. I remember shortly after discovery in my house I had to take a LOT of showers and baths just to get myself back together. <BR>I realize your H is in denial. I've been there too. my h spent years denying there was anything wrong with his "friendship" with the bimbo he evetually had a full fledged sexual affair with.<BR>the thing I learned is thatsometimes you have to step back and take care of yourself. <BR>If you want him to stop denying you will have to make it comfortable for him to be honest. I know that is one of the toughest things anyone could ask you to do. Try to make it your goal to speak as calmly as possible.<BR>Take some deep breaths, go for a walk, have a shower. Find a way to let your emotions out away from your H. You can't hold them in forever but it's not good to let them out on him. You know all that I'm sure. Just try really hard to find an outlet elsewhere. Keep talking here. this is a really slow day at that forum of course. I'm in Canada so I already had Thanksgiving. I'll be checking in all day. Hang in there!!!

Walking is a fantastic way to clear your head and help boost your immune system at the same time. Especially if you can be outside in the fresh air - it can really eliminate some of the tension....

Lora - you doing ok? Did he survive?<P>Wassi has some good advice. Just yell here w/ the rest of us today!!<P>Hang in there. The journey's hard, but you can do it.<P>Lori

Thanks for the responses everyone of course they came too late. I sort of confronted him with all my evidence read him a part of my journal and told him he needed to make a decision on if he wants to work on this marriage or not. He of course is confused, fell out of love with me, can talk to her better, doesnt know what he wants, can't remember when things were good with us, we could never talk like he can with her.Any of this sound famililar? Sounds like every post on here i have read so far.I left it by telling him clearly that I loved him and want to stay in this marriage and improve it. He said he would think about it.<BR>Then we went to his familys and had a nice time, almost seemed better, maybe just a show for the family, I don't know.Where do I go from here, have I set us totally back to square one? I was calm and rational I tried to keep it more about us and not really attack him about his OW. I guess I just can't let it be. Can you really tell me if I ignore his lies and going out with her and follow plan A that this will end someday? Any idea of how long that might be? I work with people, am usually very patient, but this feels so out of my control and hurts so bad. Lora

{{{{{{{{{{<B>Lora</B>}}}}}}}}}}<P>I'm sorry for your sadness.. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Can you really tell me if I ignore his lies and going out with her and follow <B>plan A</B> that this will end someday?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... I'm sorry I can't. I can't say it will be true for <B>anyone</B> in particular here... It may not be true for me! (so many people tell me so... even my oldest son is losing heart.)<P>But as is said in the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. ...and... (#4.) If the (betrayed) spouse follows the plans (A & B), and they(the plans) fail, the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... are the realities of an imperfect world.<P>Plans... A, B, A/B, C... cannot guarantee the recovery of our marriages... If it existed... every betrayed would flock to it and the divorce rates would plummet.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>... but this feels so out of my control and hurts so bad.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... is something <B>we</B> can all agree with. This is the pain we are given by our spouses.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How can anything change when he is in denial...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... I'm afraid it can't... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Lora... I feel for you... and all of us who are working without a reward in site during Plan A. If you ever get to the stage where you need to protect yourself and your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> for him... it is time for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>. I intend to be there in Jan/Feb of next year... It will be a tough transition... but my <B>being, needing affection and protection of her love</B> will need me to change my course.<P>Prayers for your patience... <BR>When I get emotonally down... or am driving in my car... I say a rosary... (it calms my fears... and lifts me spiritually...)<BR>Consider joining the POAPW group... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009313.html" TARGET=_blank>Open Invitation to Join The Power of A Praying Wife prayer group</A> <P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 26, 1999).]