Hi guys - <P>I'm starting ot loose hope. My hubby says we have not had what he shares with OW since before we got married - 9 years ago. I say it has been there - that it has some and gone. Maybe gone more than it should, but under the circumstances, very understandable. <P>Anyway, here is my question. I am convinced it will return, with work and time. I would like to know how many of you experienced loss of passion and had it return. Does your spouse light that room up again, is the I can't wait to have you back, is don't go away for even one night back? Am I naive or does it really work. Everything I read says yes, but I want to hear stories from you guys. PLEASE! <P>He says he loves me - like a family member - I'm his best friend - he doesn't want to hurt me etc. He thinks she will move on fast - so he doesn't worry about hurting her as much as he does me. He also is afraid that if he comes back that our heads will be hidden under the sand again and he will be happy as always, but that spark will never come back. He thinks he can maintain it with her - he doesn't hink life will take it away from them because of what he learned with us. <P>Thanks ahead of time for all your input!<P><BR>PS - Please always overlook my typos and those spelling goofs! <P>------------------<BR>H

Hey girlfriend, Let me start by saying first that, yes the spark was gone. The affection wasn't there neither was the communicating. We stayed on typical conversation of work and children, but nothing really deep. I'm probably going to look bad right now, but I'ld like to think I will help instead. Our love life to put it bluntly stunk. Not because of my H, but because of me. I had some issues that I had never shared with anyone that I think caused some of the problems. Also, I wanted him to make me feel good, so when he didn't then with holding love making was natural (so I thought). Anyway, when I found out about the affair, of course I was doing everything I could to make him see that I loved him, but to him, I was doing it because I was scared to loose him. But over time, and alot of counceling, we overcame that. We light up the room for each other now. If we go more than two nights without being with each other, we are both going crazy. In fact this morning we just laid in bed talking about how lucky we are, that most people don't have what we have, and we made it through an affair. I know we light up a room because we recently moved, and we have had numerous new friends tell us that we have something special, they see it in the way we look at each other. My H and I look at each other and think......If they only knew. I'm sorry that your H feels this way, but if it is any comfort, my H felt the same way. He said he no longer was "in love" with me. Don't give up hope, sometimes you have to loose everything before you can see what you had. Please know you can email me anytime..... comehere@intercom.net

Yes, the spark can return if you both want it too and are willing to work at it. But I think the important lesson we have learned is that the "spark" isn't what makes the marriage....the marriage makes the "spark". I had lost the spark and wondered if I still loved my husband.....he knew something was wrong but neither of us talked to the other about our feelings. He shared with a (supposed) friend at church and she began coming on to him....the rest is history. When the affair was revealed, he was already trying to end it and was terrified that I would leave him. The doors were blown off of everything we had been hiding from each other and the spark was a raging flame and I had no doubts that I love him.<P>We could not get enough of each other in the first several months after the revelation and end of the affair. The passion I thought I had lost was overwhelming for both of us......we literally were wearing each other out and we loved it. But we couldn't maintain that pace....the intensity was nice and we do miss it sometimes, but we have reached a much more maintainable level of sexual passion now (18 months later). <P>And the best thing is that we have realized is that sexual passion comes from the emotional and intellectual intimacy that we have now, not from some teenage hormonal thing. The level of open communication and honesty that we have now is the foundation of our love and marriage. This is something that too many of us get confused about.....people tend to think that sex is love and intimacy. But in reality you can't have an intense, satisfying sexual relationship without first establishing intimacy through open, honest communication and sharing.<P>Don't lose hope yet....stand firm on what you believe and let your husband know that you believe you can create a new spark that will outshine anything he thinks he has in this affair.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P><BR>

Look for a post from Very Sad. It is from the last couple days. It gave me hope that the spark could come back.<P>Hoping

I think the spark can come back, with time, and total devotion to one another. When he stops thinking of the OW and stops comparing the passion with her and with you. Try to spend some time with just him, and get to know one another again. Make him crazy with desire, and he will soon forget about the OW.<BR>Good luck, I hope it goes well :-)

Thanks to all those who said the spark comes back. I am so afraid and I know my h doesn't believe it. Of course since he is still in his affair, We haven't been given a chance to try.

Yes, yes and yes!!<BR>The spark can be recaptured, by both of you.Read "The Ten Second Kiss" and try some of Ellen Friedman's ideas. Remember that you married your spouse with the intentions of being his/her "everything' and get back into the thinking mode of being those things for him/her. Have fun, celebrate that you are together NOW. <BR>When my H is on trips I slip a least one love note or long sexy personalized letter somewhere in his bag, in which I, of course, am the star performer. I have had some fun pictures made of me by a close girlfriend, ie. Lady Godiva riding off in the distance or woman in Black, (use your imagination). Occasionally I slip one of those pics in his bag. I put my underwear up the sleave of his work jacket.<BR>He has begun to reciprocate with little love notes of his own, some slightly erotic e-mails when I am at school and lots, lots more affection than I was getting even the first year of our marriage. i have become what the OW was for him and I intend to keep it that way. <BR> "I'll be his wish, I'll be his hope. I'll be his fantacy."<BR> I want him to remember me when he is on a trip, not go out looking for someone else for companionship while he is gone.<BR> Kiss him, even when you don't feel it. Kiss him for 10 seconds and tell him you want a ten second kiss everyday! You are not his mother, sister or aunt, her father, brother or uncle. You are your spouse's LOVER, and you are the only one you want him/her to have and he/she is the only one you want so act accordingly! If you are going to divorce anything, divorce your negative feelings and memories long enough daily to act upon the loving ones. You will both feel a lot better prepared for the intense and threating conversations you may still need to have occasionaly, if a solid base of honest affection is established.<BR>I believe this with all my Heart.<P>Let me know if you, (or anyone else ) find it to be true!

dhj -- I don't know if my situation really applies to your question or not, but let me try and answer by telling you a little about my situation . . .<P>When my W walked out on me, she filed a restraining order against me (see posts by myself and my W "hopeful1771" for details.) The first time we spoke after going to court, she told me that I had only told her that I loved her three times in over four years of marriage. Now I may not have said that I loved her often enough, it was a hell of lot more times than three. I told her that I loved her everytime I saw her or spoke to her after that day. It still took almost two months after we started trying to work on our marriage before she even acknowledged that I said I loved her. When she said "I know you do", I thought my knees would buckle. It took almost another month after that day before she said that she loved me.<P>I guess what I am trying to say it that Yes the love an the "sparks" can and will come back. Sometimes it can take a long time, and even if it only takes a week it will feel like an eternity. Continue to build on what you have. Sooner or later the sparks will return.<P>God Bless